Mother’s Neighbour abusing her?

[livinginasia]

Dear all

My elderly mother has bad dementia, type 2 diabetes and is lactose intolerant. She still lives in her own home and has carers coming in and out during the day.

She has a very sweet tooth, and last year ended up in hospital with a huge impaction due to eating all the wrong foods, unfortunately the dementia means she has no idea what she is doing.

The carers prepare lovely food for her: a good balanced diet, but one of her Neighbours keeps going in every day and bringing her chocolate, chocolate biscuits, cakes, apple pies and all manner of high sugar products, most of which contain milk.

Her blood sugar is now swinging wildly, it was 30 yesterday morning, then 17, then 4, then two hours later 17 and then violent diarrhea all afternoon.

I checked the security camera and again the Neighbour has been in giving her chocolate cake and biscuits late at night.

I have repeatedly asked her to stop, and she says she has, but the camera doesn’t lie.

Clearly, mum loves her visits and all the sweet treats, but has no idea that she is eating them, or the cause.

I can’t see how I can ban this woman from visiting my mother, they have been Friends for many years.

I am wondering if this is deliberate abuse from the Neighbour or whether she just thinks she is keeping mum happy and refuses to accept the outcome of what she is doing.

Any advice here would be very welcome please as to how I can manage the Neighbour.

Thanks as always

[2HFL]

Tricky situation but this actually strikes me as a little sinister? Aren’t there any services to which this can be reported, who can intervene and take appropriate action against said neighbour. Does the neighbour have all her marbles?

Finally, your Mum hasn’t changed her will has she, without your knowledge.

[r3g]

It';s not necessarily as straightforward as you think. If they've been friends for years then they will have their own little "secrets" between each other and being brought chocolate may be one of things she looks forward to so tells the friend to keep bringing them once you are out of the way. It could well be that she's telling you one thing - ie. agreeing with you that they are bad for her and promises that she won't have any more, but by your admission, she has a sweet tooth and that's a hard habit to break, so once you are gone, she feasts. I went through similiar shenanigans with my own mother.

[livinginasia]

r3g said:

It';s not necessarily as straightforward as you think. If they've been friends for years then they will have their own little "secrets" between each other and being brought chocolate may be one of things she looks forward to so tells the friend to keep bringing them once you are out of the way. It could well be that she's telling you one thing - ie. agreeing with you that they are bad for her and promises that she won't have any more, but by your admission, she has a sweet tooth and that's a hard habit to break, so once you are gone, she feasts. I went through similiar shenanigans with my own mother.

Thank you - she is definitely asking the Neighbour to bring her stuff, but then she readily admits she doesn’t know she is eating them. She is hugely overweight and can now hardly walk.

[livinginasia]

2HFL said:

Tricky situation but this actually strikes me as a little sinister? Aren’t there any services to which this can be reported, who can intervene and take appropriate action against said neighbour. Does the neighbour have all her marbles?

Finally, your Mum hasn’t changed her will has she, without your knowledge.

Thank you - I agree it seems sinister, and I honestly have no idea if Neighbour has lost marbles as well. I am going to call Age Concern today, I was wondering if anyone can suggest any other organisation to talk to.

Hadn’t thought about the will - I know it’s with a local solicitor so I doubt I can check, although I do have both POAs.

Thanks again

[2HFL]

livinginasia said:

2HFL said:

Tricky situation but this actually strikes me as a little sinister? Aren’t there any services to which this can be reported, who can intervene and take appropriate action against said neighbour. Does the neighbour have all her marbles?

Finally, your Mum hasn’t changed her will has she, without your knowledge.

Thank you - I agree it seems sinister, and I honestly have no idea if Neighbour has lost marbles as well. I am going to call Age Concern today, I was wondering if anyone can suggest any other organisation to talk to.

Hadn’t thought about the will - I know it’s with a local solicitor so I doubt I can check, although I do have both POAs.

Thanks again

I wouldn’t know who to suggest to be honest, as I have never had to go through something like this. Hope you can get somewhere, I know if it were my Mum I’d want to do whatever I could to protect her too.

[Baldyboy]

Who set up the carers? Was it done through you or had she had some form of social worker/key worker assigned?
I’d be contacting Adult social care/safeguarding adults board and potentially the police.
Section 42 care act 2014 risk of significant harm, she has dementia and is unaware of the harm (lacks capacity) is at risk of and sounds like is suffering significant harm. She needs an intervention, neighbours need talking to about the severity. She is suffering abuse irrespective of the intent behind it.
If you need further advice pm me. Good luck.

[smifffymoto]

She has asked her friend for sweets and friend has delivered the sweets.

I would suggest it’s nothing more than that,not everyone had an angle.

[andyA700]

2HFL said:

Tricky situation but this actually strikes me as a little sinister? Aren’t there any services to which this can be reported, who can intervene and take appropriate action against said neighbour. Does the neighbour have all her marbles?

Finally, your Mum hasn’t changed her will has she, without your knowledge.

Your final point is very relavent as I have found out over the past couple of years.

[Baldyboy]

She is being given food that is having a detrimental effect on her health and well being irrespective of the intent behind it and she is not in a position to help herself therefore needs an intervention. We do not know what the back story is, it would be far better for someone trained in capacity assessments and elder abuse to assess this and establish the facts than to allow her blood sugar levels to be going this high as well as all the other medical issues present. It could be two old friends one of whom is sneaking what is in effect dangerous food to her because they are friends without any malice however that doesn’t detract from the harm that is being done.

[andyA700]

livinginasia said:

2HFL said:

Tricky situation but this actually strikes me as a little sinister? Aren’t there any services to which this can be reported, who can intervene and take appropriate action against said neighbour. Does the neighbour have all her marbles?

Finally, your Mum hasn’t changed her will has she, without your knowledge.

Thank you - I agree it seems sinister, and I honestly have no idea if Neighbour has lost marbles as well. I am going to call Age Concern today, I was wondering if anyone can suggest any other organisation to talk to.

Hadn’t thought about the will - I know it’s with a local solicitor so I doubt I can check, although I do have both POAs.

Thanks again

Maybe try this, very best of luck, you are right to be concerned.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

[dundarach]

Tricky

If your mum can open her own door changing the locks won't help.

Try explains to the neighbor that what she's doing is making mum poorly.

I'd tell her about the cameras and ask that if she brings sweets, can she leave a note explaining this to the carers so perhaps they can adjust food. Not sure what you can do with Type2 Mrs D is type 1 so I understand that a little more!!

HOWEVER

If you point out the cameras, the friend may not like the idea and never come again!

I guess the choice is allowing mum some pleasure from friends and sweets in her old age, or perhaps giving her a few more years without either??

[greygoose]

Perhaps the friend and her visits with sweet treats provide some joy to your mother, she obviously has various health issues and seeing an old friend is no doubt welcome. The sad truth is that your mother isn’t going to live forever and perhaps she prefers to spend time with her friend eating the wrong things than a dull diet with carers despite the possible repercussions.

[livinginasia]

dundarach said:

Tricky

If your mum can open her own door changing the locks won't help.

Try explains to the neighbor that what she's doing is making mum poorly.

I'd tell her about the cameras and ask that if she brings sweets, can she leave a note explaining this to the carers so perhaps they can adjust food. Not sure what you can do with Type2 Mrs D is type 1 so I understand that a little more!!

HOWEVER

If you point out the cameras, the friend may not like the idea and never come again!

I guess the choice is allowing mum some pleasure from friends and sweets in her old age, or perhaps giving her a few more years without either??

Thank you. I have told everyone who goes in that the camera is there, the neighbour calls it my "spy machine". She has also been telling mother that I am "Neurotic" about what she is giving her to eat, yet continues to do it regardless.

I fully understand about the little treats, and the doctor is supportive of her having an occasional treat, we are taking about a box of Mr Kipling cakes every day, plus chocolate, chocolate biscuits and other things.

I really appreciate your feedback, its extremely kind

[livinginasia]

andyA700 said:

Maybe try this, very best of luck, you are right to be concerned.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Thank you, I will look at the website, much appreciated.

[Billy_Rosewood]

If it was my mum I wouldn't hesitate to remind that neighour her behaviour may end up being lethal and she needs to stop.

I'd even drop in a few "hints" that if anything ever happened you'd have to go through the camera footage to see who the last person to visit was (inferring you don't trust the carers even if you do - that way you are not pointing the finger at her)..

Maybe drop a few more hints that anyone feeding her the wrong types of food intentionally may be liable to some sort of criminal negligence/manslaughter charges, even if that's made up too..

If she kept doing it I'd straight up confront her that you've seen her on camera.

[livinginasia]

Baldyboy said:

Who set up the carers? Was it done through you or had she had some form of social worker/key worker assigned?
I’d be contacting Adult social care/safeguarding adults board and potentially the police.
Section 42 care act 2014 risk of significant harm, she has dementia and is unaware of the harm (lacks capacity) is at risk of and sounds like is suffering significant harm. She needs an intervention, neighbours need talking to about the severity. She is suffering abuse irrespective of the intent behind it.
If you need further advice pm me. Good luck.

Thank you so much, thats extremely kind. I may well take you up on your offer. I agree that an intervention is needed, I just have no idea how to arrange that, My sister has set up all the carers, she has had no professional help.

[dundarach]

Have you reported all this to her GP and Social Services?

As the previous poster suggests, might be something more 'legal' you could do.

It is a worry, my mum was bed bound with carers at home for many years, it would have annoyed me a situation like this, especially if you've told her and she knows she's on CCTV.

I think you need a balanced (professional) opinion, GP and Social would be my next call, ring the Council and ask for you mums area adult social work team or something like that.

[hidetheelephants]

livinginasia said:

2HFL said:

Tricky situation but this actually strikes me as a little sinister? Aren’t there any services to which this can be reported, who can intervene and take appropriate action against said neighbour. Does the neighbour have all her marbles?

Finally, your Mum hasn’t changed her will has she, without your knowledge.

Thank you - I agree it seems sinister, and I honestly have no idea if Neighbour has lost marbles as well. I am going to call Age Concern today, I was wondering if anyone can suggest any other organisation to talk to.

Hadn’t thought about the will - I know it’s with a local solicitor so I doubt I can check, although I do have both POAs.

Thanks again

Worth trying the police, given you have LPA they may be prepared to speak to the neighbour. Maybe see if the neighbour can be persuaded to either reduce the amount of sweets or change to sugar free varieties, although those have their own dangers if eaten in large quantities.

livinginasia said:

I fully understand about the little treats, and the doctor is supportive of her having an occasional treat, we are taking about a box of Mr Kipling cakes every day, plus chocolate, chocolate biscuits and other things.

In the circumstances that is abuse; no doubt it would be expensive but it may be possible to take out an injunction against the neighbour, given they perceive their activities as harmless it's likely they would continue but with the CCTV it would be straightforward to involve the police once the injunction was breached.

[K77 CTR]

Could you find something that is lactose free and low in sugar content and ask the neighbour to take that? Could reach a compromise and have the neighbour working with you rather than against you