Why do i feel so guilty?
Discussion
Hi guys
Let this be known beforehand that i am no stranger to anxiety and depression and have documented so on here in the past with a lot of people giving me some excellent advice, unfortunately i am still struggling and decided to tell my partner.
My life has been pretty much plagued with the above for as long as i can remember, and with a couple of bereavements over the last couple of years and with a couple of family members adding further to the upset with their behaviour it's just seemingly a never ending nightmare that i just can't seem to escape, I went part time within my work over a year ago now not completely because of my mental health but i felt that my work was having a big impact on everything, making me question life and what i actually wanted out of it, I am very rapidly approaching 40 years of age and very much look at my life and where it is and to be completely blunt i feel a complete f
king failure.
Having told my Mrs how i feel in a lot of depth, I told her that i feel as if i have lost all purpose in life and that i have no direction anymore, and that i am simply existing rather than living and that i have lost any passion for what i use to get any sort of excitement from, or that desire to wake up early in a morning for the thrill of an exciting day or an event or anything at all really.
She knows that when i was much younger i was heavily interested in Mountain biking, and so she suggested tonight that i bought a new mountain bike to gain back a thrill i used to love and being outdoors in the hills etc, It's worth mentioning that i am a Type 1 diabetic and i continue to seriously neglect myself because for the same reason i mentioned before i just feel as if i am existing and what's the point in life, I know that if i carry on the way i am doing that it will only be a matter of time before my Type 1 and not taking my insulin will put me in a position where i won't have the option of trying to get myself better because it'll eventually kill me.
And so i went ahead and purchased a new mountain bike where whilst i did consider briefly (can i afford this) and the slight uplift i had ordering it and trying to take control of my life the second i had bought it i instantly come crashing down with this seemingly other voice telling me in my head that i am a selfish prick and how i should feel guilty for doing this when i have 3 children also and thinking all about myself, This isn't a buyers remorse post but more of why is it everything i do i have to feel guilty about for doing, why does my mind do this to me? Does this happen with others too? It seems no matter what i do this overpowering side of my mind (presumably the depression) talks to me negatively, I've read up so much online about talking to people and medications etc but 1 thing i constantly see is how people say exercise is great for the mind and body and that's about the only thing i haven't done as stuffing my face with comfort food all the while not taking my insulin and dwelling over how st my life has been plagues me constantly.
I don't even know why i have posted this, I'm just sat here at gone midnight, thoughts in overdrive, everyone asleep and me just typing away to anyone who'll listen to me, I don't think i would wish this way of thinking i have on anyone.
Let this be known beforehand that i am no stranger to anxiety and depression and have documented so on here in the past with a lot of people giving me some excellent advice, unfortunately i am still struggling and decided to tell my partner.
My life has been pretty much plagued with the above for as long as i can remember, and with a couple of bereavements over the last couple of years and with a couple of family members adding further to the upset with their behaviour it's just seemingly a never ending nightmare that i just can't seem to escape, I went part time within my work over a year ago now not completely because of my mental health but i felt that my work was having a big impact on everything, making me question life and what i actually wanted out of it, I am very rapidly approaching 40 years of age and very much look at my life and where it is and to be completely blunt i feel a complete f
king failure.Having told my Mrs how i feel in a lot of depth, I told her that i feel as if i have lost all purpose in life and that i have no direction anymore, and that i am simply existing rather than living and that i have lost any passion for what i use to get any sort of excitement from, or that desire to wake up early in a morning for the thrill of an exciting day or an event or anything at all really.
She knows that when i was much younger i was heavily interested in Mountain biking, and so she suggested tonight that i bought a new mountain bike to gain back a thrill i used to love and being outdoors in the hills etc, It's worth mentioning that i am a Type 1 diabetic and i continue to seriously neglect myself because for the same reason i mentioned before i just feel as if i am existing and what's the point in life, I know that if i carry on the way i am doing that it will only be a matter of time before my Type 1 and not taking my insulin will put me in a position where i won't have the option of trying to get myself better because it'll eventually kill me.
And so i went ahead and purchased a new mountain bike where whilst i did consider briefly (can i afford this) and the slight uplift i had ordering it and trying to take control of my life the second i had bought it i instantly come crashing down with this seemingly other voice telling me in my head that i am a selfish prick and how i should feel guilty for doing this when i have 3 children also and thinking all about myself, This isn't a buyers remorse post but more of why is it everything i do i have to feel guilty about for doing, why does my mind do this to me? Does this happen with others too? It seems no matter what i do this overpowering side of my mind (presumably the depression) talks to me negatively, I've read up so much online about talking to people and medications etc but 1 thing i constantly see is how people say exercise is great for the mind and body and that's about the only thing i haven't done as stuffing my face with comfort food all the while not taking my insulin and dwelling over how s
t my life has been plagues me constantly.I don't even know why i have posted this, I'm just sat here at gone midnight, thoughts in overdrive, everyone asleep and me just typing away to anyone who'll listen to me, I don't think i would wish this way of thinking i have on anyone.
I'll listen to you fella . You do need to start looking after yourself , you deserve better and so does your wife and children . Start by taking the meds , make time to use the bike and you will find a sense of satisfaction in yourself . Small steps one at a time , sounds like the missus is very supportive so bounce your thoughts off her , despite what we might think sometimes they can be very astute .
Look after number one then you can take care of the others .
Look after number one then you can take care of the others .
I’m no expert, but to be as good as you can be for your family, you need to be good to yourself too. Get the bike, get a plan for a routine to get fitter, a useful focus point, and build from there. Maybe hook up with a local cycling group for more outside contact. One day at a time etc. Oh, and take your meds…
fttm canada said:
I'll listen to you fella . You do need to start looking after yourself , you deserve better and so does your wife and children . Start by taking the meds , make time to use the bike and you will find a sense of satisfaction in yourself . Small steps one at a time , sounds like the missus is very supportive so bounce your thoughts off her , despite what we might think sometimes they can be very astute .
Look after number one then you can take care of the others .
This is the thing one part of my mind knows that i need to start looking after myself and i know the bike will hopefully contribute towards this, we've had arguments over how i have been in the past but then i have never really told the full story as i haven't wanted to hurt the people closest to me, I hate with a passion this other side of my mind that constantly tells me to feel bad no matter what i do and that i am insignificant to everything and everyone.Look after number one then you can take care of the others .
The one thing that really really hurt me a short while ago now was one of my daughters saying to me (shes only 11) that she never sees me smile and that it upsets her, how i didn't break in front of her i don't know.
abzmike said:
I’m no expert, but to be as good as you can be for your family, you need to be good to yourself too. Get the bike, get a plan for a routine to get fitter, a useful focus point, and build from there. Maybe hook up with a local cycling group for more outside contact. One day at a time etc. Oh, and take your meds…
I am absolutely horrible to myself, the negative side telling me i am nothing and that everyone is better than you, you deserve nothing, very rarely i will have a "better" day but when it's bad which is most of the time i will refuse to take my insulin which in turn leads to me feeling much worse and doing damage inside that i can't see but the overpowering mindset i have makes me not care. You need to open up , talk to your wife about getting professional help , might take a while to find someone you can talk to without feeling like a goon but they are out there . Something is going on in your head but when you eventually get a correct diagnosis ( you will know when they tell you the symptoms) you'll hopefully be able to recognize them when they occur and keep them in check , and yourself . Not always that easy of course but don't live your life behind a mask , it's not fair to anyone . I repeat , be open regards how you feel .
Had similar issues. Generally feeling useless and whats the point. Tried all the things I used to enjoy but got no joy from them. It came to a head and opened up to my wife. While that helped as she could understand why I was doing certain things, she could also step in before things got out of hand. I still had problems fully opening up, she was just too close to it.
I eventually went to the doctor and placed on some medication. I really didn't want medicated, I don't take pills for anything. This step was hard as I was telling people I didn't know how to fix it myself. But looking back they gave me the room I needed to start being better. I eventually stepped away from the medication, it was a big driver to get better.
I also got to speak to a counsellor. This was the hardest to describe what it did as there was no magic wand, no moment where it all clicked. We didn't even dig that deep. I don't consider my issues to be massive. I don't know if it was just being able to unload on someone fully removed from my life. I do however believe it helped. Again I eventually stepped away from that.
Regarding the selfishness. It's easy to feel guilty about it. When our kids were young money was tight. With the kids older and my wife and I earning decent money it still feels odd to spend money without thinking there must be something the kids need, a birthday or a large bill to pay.
I would throw yourself at the mountain biking if it is giving you any sense of feeling better. I would even try doing it with the kids (depending on ages) but even being selfish and affording yourself a couple of hours on the bike away from everything will help. New hobbies can be a way of meeting new people also, people who don't know you or your story.
There is no magic wand but don't be scared to try different things. I found lots of little things helped.
Vent where you can. If it's on here then go for it.
I eventually went to the doctor and placed on some medication. I really didn't want medicated, I don't take pills for anything. This step was hard as I was telling people I didn't know how to fix it myself. But looking back they gave me the room I needed to start being better. I eventually stepped away from the medication, it was a big driver to get better.
I also got to speak to a counsellor. This was the hardest to describe what it did as there was no magic wand, no moment where it all clicked. We didn't even dig that deep. I don't consider my issues to be massive. I don't know if it was just being able to unload on someone fully removed from my life. I do however believe it helped. Again I eventually stepped away from that.
Regarding the selfishness. It's easy to feel guilty about it. When our kids were young money was tight. With the kids older and my wife and I earning decent money it still feels odd to spend money without thinking there must be something the kids need, a birthday or a large bill to pay.
I would throw yourself at the mountain biking if it is giving you any sense of feeling better. I would even try doing it with the kids (depending on ages) but even being selfish and affording yourself a couple of hours on the bike away from everything will help. New hobbies can be a way of meeting new people also, people who don't know you or your story.
There is no magic wand but don't be scared to try different things. I found lots of little things helped.
Vent where you can. If it's on here then go for it.
You are depressed. The feeling of helplessness, worthlessness, low self esteem and overwhelming guilt are classic, as is the self neglect (and comfort eating).
You would benefit from medication. In your situation, they could be a game changer to get you out of this vicious circle.
It sounds like you have a supportive partner. You have 3 kids. I'm sure you'd want to be well, both mentally and physically for their sake.
I'd suggest you see your GP to discuss this +/- the option of counselling/therapy.
You would benefit from medication. In your situation, they could be a game changer to get you out of this vicious circle.
It sounds like you have a supportive partner. You have 3 kids. I'm sure you'd want to be well, both mentally and physically for their sake.
I'd suggest you see your GP to discuss this +/- the option of counselling/therapy.
James_33 said:
And so i went ahead and purchased a new mountain bike where whilst i did consider briefly (can i afford this) and the slight uplift i had ordering it and trying to take control of my life the second i had bought it i instantly come crashing down with this seemingly other voice telling me in my head that i am a selfish prick and how i should feel guilty for doing this when i have 3 children also and thinking all about myself
In order to be a great Dad you need to have some modicum of contentment in your life. If Mountain Biking can deliver this, it is as far from being selfish as you can get. Sinking one's self into an interest is a highly effective way to balance one's life - doing something for no reason other than you like doing it. You've a hobby that gets you outside too and the benefits of this on mental health are well established. And it will keep you fit - another tried and tested means of improved mental health.
Plus, I rather suspect your kids will think you rather cool as the majority of their mate's Dads will not be tackling the hills and trails at the weekend. On top of this, it's something that they might also get into as they get older. Heading out with them on their bikes at some point in the future should therefore give you a pleasing goal to work towards and thus underpin your purpose in life. So look upon your biking now as prep for when the kids are old enough to join you.
StevieBee said:
James_33 said:
And so i went ahead and purchased a new mountain bike where whilst i did consider briefly (can i afford this) and the slight uplift i had ordering it and trying to take control of my life the second i had bought it i instantly come crashing down with this seemingly other voice telling me in my head that i am a selfish prick and how i should feel guilty for doing this when i have 3 children also and thinking all about myself
In order to be a great Dad you need to have some modicum of contentment in your life. If Mountain Biking can deliver this, it is as far from being selfish as you can get. Sinking one's self into an interest is a highly effective way to balance one's life - doing something for no reason other than you like doing it. You've a hobby that gets you outside too and the benefits of this on mental health are well established. And it will keep you fit - another tried and tested means of improved mental health.
Plus, I rather suspect your kids will think you rather cool as the majority of their mate's Dads will not be tackling the hills and trails at the weekend. On top of this, it's something that they might also get into as they get older. Heading out with them on their bikes at some point in the future should therefore give you a pleasing goal to work towards and thus underpin your purpose in life. So look upon your biking now as prep for when the kids are old enough to join you.
Before you can look after anyone else you have to look after yourself, it is not selfish to want to be happy, it is selfish to want to be happy at the expense of someone else's happiness.
Sounds to me like you have a good wife who loves and supports you, in that you are lucky.
My Son in law can be prone to periods of depression and anxiety, thinks his family is too good for them and would be better off without him in his worst moments. I worked with him on developing some mantras to recite each morning of the positive things in his life that helped to apply some balance to his negative thoughts, from that we moved on to adding goal mantras so he had some positive outcomes to work toward/look forward too.
In the time since we started that (a good couple of years now) he has been more stable and the periods of depression and anxiety have been less frequent, less intense and more manageable.
It does feel a bit stupid talking to the mirror in the morning and evening about your positives but it does really work if you stick at it.
positive things happen to positive people.
I'm in a similar position to OP, just a bit younger.
I was put on Sertraline a few years back when my Dad died but all they did was make me throw up every morning.
I've tried since to be put on alternative medications but GPs have told me I need to go to a therapist.
When I asked if they could refer me to anybody the answer was no, and that I'd have to go private.
I really can't afford that so I've left it alone for now. Got a house move and a newborn to focus on before I can delve into the mess that is my mind.
Is it too much for them to put me on a drug that actually makes me happy? I'm half tempted to start microdosing or smoking the odd spliff again. Used to do wonders for my stress.
I was put on Sertraline a few years back when my Dad died but all they did was make me throw up every morning.
I've tried since to be put on alternative medications but GPs have told me I need to go to a therapist.
When I asked if they could refer me to anybody the answer was no, and that I'd have to go private.
I really can't afford that so I've left it alone for now. Got a house move and a newborn to focus on before I can delve into the mess that is my mind.
Is it too much for them to put me on a drug that actually makes me happy? I'm half tempted to start microdosing or smoking the odd spliff again. Used to do wonders for my stress.
Discendo Discimus said:
I'm in a similar position to OP, just a bit younger.
I was put on Sertraline a few years back when my Dad died but all they did was make me throw up every morning.
I've tried since to be put on alternative medications but GPs have told me I need to go to a therapist.
When I asked if they could refer me to anybody the answer was no, and that I'd have to go private.
I really can't afford that so I've left it alone for now. Got a house move and a newborn to focus on before I can delve into the mess that is my mind.
Is it too much for them to put me on a drug that actually makes me happy? I'm half tempted to start microdosing or smoking the odd spliff again. Used to do wonders for my stress.
Does your employer offer any kind of Employee Assistance Program? Mine facilitated me using Silvercloud, an online therapy program. Really helped with stress and anxiety.I was put on Sertraline a few years back when my Dad died but all they did was make me throw up every morning.
I've tried since to be put on alternative medications but GPs have told me I need to go to a therapist.
When I asked if they could refer me to anybody the answer was no, and that I'd have to go private.
I really can't afford that so I've left it alone for now. Got a house move and a newborn to focus on before I can delve into the mess that is my mind.
Is it too much for them to put me on a drug that actually makes me happy? I'm half tempted to start microdosing or smoking the odd spliff again. Used to do wonders for my stress.
CHLEMCBH said:
Does your employer offer any kind of Employee Assistance Program? Mine facilitated me using Silvercloud, an online therapy program. Really helped with stress and anxiety.
Thanks for the reply!I imagine they have something in place, however my HR manager is the biggest gossip in our very small company and unfortunately it wouldn't be long before everyone at work knew my business.
I'm 52 and would welcome a nice heart attack or stray bullet.
I'm not suicidal and don't think about or plan ways to end my life, I've had someone very close do that and it isn't good!
However I'm tired, really tired or trying and being kicked all the time.
Job is okay when I'm not being kicked, home life is okay, kids would miss me, but they don't care, they're kids, wife and I are okay, she'd probably be better with a younger model which my tragic death might encourage her to sort herself out.
Then I recognise that life is really hard, for everyone I know.
I look forward to having a quiet pint, or Mrs D and I going to see the Fast Show Live, or watching the kids at school, eating a nice bun.
I've realised now that feeling st is okay, that how things are, nothing wrong with it, don't need to change it, nothing will or needs to make me joyous all day everyday.
What does matter is enjoying the little things in life, carving out time for them and when for the other 23 hours in the day I'm fking misserable and tired, it's okay as that pint etc. is worth it.
Take care, you're not alone!
I'm not suicidal and don't think about or plan ways to end my life, I've had someone very close do that and it isn't good!
However I'm tired, really tired or trying and being kicked all the time.
Job is okay when I'm not being kicked, home life is okay, kids would miss me, but they don't care, they're kids, wife and I are okay, she'd probably be better with a younger model which my tragic death might encourage her to sort herself out.
Then I recognise that life is really hard, for everyone I know.
I look forward to having a quiet pint, or Mrs D and I going to see the Fast Show Live, or watching the kids at school, eating a nice bun.
I've realised now that feeling s
t is okay, that how things are, nothing wrong with it, don't need to change it, nothing will or needs to make me joyous all day everyday. What does matter is enjoying the little things in life, carving out time for them and when for the other 23 hours in the day I'm f
king misserable and tired, it's okay as that pint etc. is worth it.Take care, you're not alone!
James_33 said:
Hi guys
Let this be known beforehand that i am no stranger to anxiety and depression and have documented so on here in the past with a lot of people giving me some excellent advice, unfortunately i am still struggling and decided to tell my partner.
My life has been pretty much plagued with the above for as long as i can remember, and with a couple of bereavements over the last couple of years and with a couple of family members adding further to the upset with their behaviour it's just seemingly a never ending nightmare that i just can't seem to escape, I went part time within my work over a year ago now not completely because of my mental health but i felt that my work was having a big impact on everything, making me question life and what i actually wanted out of it, I am very rapidly approaching 40 years of age and very much look at my life and where it is and to be completely blunt i feel a complete fking failure.
Having told my Mrs how i feel in a lot of depth, I told her that i feel as if i have lost all purpose in life and that i have no direction anymore, and that i am simply existing rather than living and that i have lost any passion for what i use to get any sort of excitement from, or that desire to wake up early in a morning for the thrill of an exciting day or an event or anything at all really.
She knows that when i was much younger i was heavily interested in Mountain biking, and so she suggested tonight that i bought a new mountain bike to gain back a thrill i used to love and being outdoors in the hills etc, It's worth mentioning that i am a Type 1 diabetic and i continue to seriously neglect myself because for the same reason i mentioned before i just feel as if i am existing and what's the point in life, I know that if i carry on the way i am doing that it will only be a matter of time before my Type 1 and not taking my insulin will put me in a position where i won't have the option of trying to get myself better because it'll eventually kill me.
And so i went ahead and purchased a new mountain bike where whilst i did consider briefly (can i afford this) and the slight uplift i had ordering it and trying to take control of my life the second i had bought it i instantly come crashing down with this seemingly other voice telling me in my head that i am a selfish prick and how i should feel guilty for doing this when i have 3 children also and thinking all about myself, This isn't a buyers remorse post but more of why is it everything i do i have to feel guilty about for doing, why does my mind do this to me? Does this happen with others too? It seems no matter what i do this overpowering side of my mind (presumably the depression) talks to me negatively, I've read up so much online about talking to people and medications etc but 1 thing i constantly see is how people say exercise is great for the mind and body and that's about the only thing i haven't done as stuffing my face with comfort food all the while not taking my insulin and dwelling over how st my life has been plagues me constantly.
I don't even know why i have posted this, I'm just sat here at gone midnight, thoughts in overdrive, everyone asleep and me just typing away to anyone who'll listen to me, I don't think i would wish this way of thinking i have on anyone.
Good on you for raising how you feel mate, a massive step in the right direction. Let this be known beforehand that i am no stranger to anxiety and depression and have documented so on here in the past with a lot of people giving me some excellent advice, unfortunately i am still struggling and decided to tell my partner.
My life has been pretty much plagued with the above for as long as i can remember, and with a couple of bereavements over the last couple of years and with a couple of family members adding further to the upset with their behaviour it's just seemingly a never ending nightmare that i just can't seem to escape, I went part time within my work over a year ago now not completely because of my mental health but i felt that my work was having a big impact on everything, making me question life and what i actually wanted out of it, I am very rapidly approaching 40 years of age and very much look at my life and where it is and to be completely blunt i feel a complete f
king failure.Having told my Mrs how i feel in a lot of depth, I told her that i feel as if i have lost all purpose in life and that i have no direction anymore, and that i am simply existing rather than living and that i have lost any passion for what i use to get any sort of excitement from, or that desire to wake up early in a morning for the thrill of an exciting day or an event or anything at all really.
She knows that when i was much younger i was heavily interested in Mountain biking, and so she suggested tonight that i bought a new mountain bike to gain back a thrill i used to love and being outdoors in the hills etc, It's worth mentioning that i am a Type 1 diabetic and i continue to seriously neglect myself because for the same reason i mentioned before i just feel as if i am existing and what's the point in life, I know that if i carry on the way i am doing that it will only be a matter of time before my Type 1 and not taking my insulin will put me in a position where i won't have the option of trying to get myself better because it'll eventually kill me.
And so i went ahead and purchased a new mountain bike where whilst i did consider briefly (can i afford this) and the slight uplift i had ordering it and trying to take control of my life the second i had bought it i instantly come crashing down with this seemingly other voice telling me in my head that i am a selfish prick and how i should feel guilty for doing this when i have 3 children also and thinking all about myself, This isn't a buyers remorse post but more of why is it everything i do i have to feel guilty about for doing, why does my mind do this to me? Does this happen with others too? It seems no matter what i do this overpowering side of my mind (presumably the depression) talks to me negatively, I've read up so much online about talking to people and medications etc but 1 thing i constantly see is how people say exercise is great for the mind and body and that's about the only thing i haven't done as stuffing my face with comfort food all the while not taking my insulin and dwelling over how s
t my life has been plagues me constantly.I don't even know why i have posted this, I'm just sat here at gone midnight, thoughts in overdrive, everyone asleep and me just typing away to anyone who'll listen to me, I don't think i would wish this way of thinking i have on anyone.
I've gone through this a little bit and thankfully through the other side. When I was at my lowest I really was feeling awful with no purpose. It can take time and you have to go easy on yourself. Beating yourself up or being overly self critical won't help even though it feels natural to do so.
Take each day as it comes and maybe take small steps with getting a bike and riding it.
Also, get regular sleep in, stick to a pattern, ignore the phone... Usual stuff to help you switch off. Drink plenty of water and eat lots of fruit and veg.
Above all, keep us posted. You can do this mate. I mentioned how I was and I am living, happy proof that people can get through things. If someone had said this to me all those years ago I would have believed them.
Take care mate.
Discendo Discimus said:
Thanks for the reply!
I imagine they have something in place, however my HR manager is the biggest gossip in our very small company and unfortunately it wouldn't be long before everyone at work knew my business.
It should be run by an external agency/company and nobody at your employer should have access to it.I imagine they have something in place, however my HR manager is the biggest gossip in our very small company and unfortunately it wouldn't be long before everyone at work knew my business.
Don't feel guilty about filling your own cup up. You'll be completely useless to your wife and kids if you're not right. Take the time to fix yourself and don't feel guilty about it.
As guys we think we always need to be the strong one and take all the kicks life gives you but that helps no one.
The positive things are, you've recognised what is wrong and plan to fix it and it sounds like you're wife has got your back 100%
As guys we think we always need to be the strong one and take all the kicks life gives you but that helps no one.
The positive things are, you've recognised what is wrong and plan to fix it and it sounds like you're wife has got your back 100%
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