Discussion
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t see the point in anything.
Moved half way round the world, no close friends here. Wife of a very few years says she doesn’t like being married as she can’t do whatever she wants (I’ve never stopped her, I actually support whatever she wants to do), now doesn’t want any physical intimacy. Kid number 2 is depressed, and dumps problems on me daily. Aging parent is carer to my stepfather and has no life, so leans on me all the time. Manager at work has all kinds of personal issues and dumps on me. I’m pretty sure she’ll quit soon. And the company is planning layoffs so my former staff members keep coming to me for advice on how to plan their part.
I’m financially ok, don’t enjoy hobbies any more, just do chores, fix stuff around the house, gawp at the internet. If I want to go and do something solo like listen to music, practice guitar, go for a drive then I’m not spending time with wifey even though it seems we have few common activities. I try to show interest in hers, but she has zero interest in mine.
I’m just so damn tired of it all.
And my dog is on his last legs.
Sorry for whinge, nobody wants to listen to what I need. Yes I have a therapist through a work funded org, she offers no practical advice.
Right now I’m lying in bed at 8am, been awake for hours being texted by kid #2 with latest woes.
Not suicidal, just don’t know how to get out of this.
Moved half way round the world, no close friends here. Wife of a very few years says she doesn’t like being married as she can’t do whatever she wants (I’ve never stopped her, I actually support whatever she wants to do), now doesn’t want any physical intimacy. Kid number 2 is depressed, and dumps problems on me daily. Aging parent is carer to my stepfather and has no life, so leans on me all the time. Manager at work has all kinds of personal issues and dumps on me. I’m pretty sure she’ll quit soon. And the company is planning layoffs so my former staff members keep coming to me for advice on how to plan their part.
I’m financially ok, don’t enjoy hobbies any more, just do chores, fix stuff around the house, gawp at the internet. If I want to go and do something solo like listen to music, practice guitar, go for a drive then I’m not spending time with wifey even though it seems we have few common activities. I try to show interest in hers, but she has zero interest in mine.
I’m just so damn tired of it all.
And my dog is on his last legs.
Sorry for whinge, nobody wants to listen to what I need. Yes I have a therapist through a work funded org, she offers no practical advice.
Right now I’m lying in bed at 8am, been awake for hours being texted by kid #2 with latest woes.
Not suicidal, just don’t know how to get out of this.
Thanks! It feel like it’s getting worse. Kid 2 is really going through it, problems with mental health, had to move into an Airbnb (my expense) to get out of a house share where the other tenant was getting very difficult and borderline abusive, still has nowhere to live although has a couple of possible rentals lined up, for her everything is hopeless and has self harmed. I’m scared stiff of setting any boundaries in case she does something stupid to herself.
Wife has a go about every 3 months about not wanting to be married but when I tell her ok, let’s split up, backs off quickly
Feels like a downhill spiral. I see hope in many of these areas, but it all evaporated this morning when the latest crisis hit my text at 5am.
Wife has a go about every 3 months about not wanting to be married but when I tell her ok, let’s split up, backs off quickly
Feels like a downhill spiral. I see hope in many of these areas, but it all evaporated this morning when the latest crisis hit my text at 5am.
gawdelpme said:
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t see the point in anything.
Moved half way round the world, no close friends here. Wife of a very few years says she doesn’t like being married as she can’t do whatever she wants (I’ve never stopped her, I actually support whatever she wants to do), now doesn’t want any physical intimacy. Kid number 2 is depressed, and dumps problems on me daily. Aging parent is carer to my stepfather and has no life, so leans on me all the time. Manager at work has all kinds of personal issues and dumps on me. I’m pretty sure she’ll quit soon. And the company is planning layoffs so my former staff members keep coming to me for advice on how to plan their part.
I’m financially ok, don’t enjoy hobbies any more, just do chores, fix stuff around the house, gawp at the internet. If I want to go and do something solo like listen to music, practice guitar, go for a drive then I’m not spending time with wifey even though it seems we have few common activities. I try to show interest in hers, but she has zero interest in mine.
I’m just so damn tired of it all.
And my dog is on his last legs.
Sorry for whinge, nobody wants to listen to what I need. Yes I have a therapist through a work funded org, she offers no practical advice.
Right now I’m lying in bed at 8am, been awake for hours being texted by kid #2 with latest woes.
Not suicidal, just don’t know how to get out of this.
That sounds like a very full plate , you’ve got to find a way to create some space for yourself , even if that’s to go for a walk or start some sort of fitness routine , something that’s mindful and gives you some mental space . Without some self care you will lurch into a more serious situations which aren’t benefit to anyone , sounds like things are suffering already already - time to get a handle on it - hardest step is always the first . Moved half way round the world, no close friends here. Wife of a very few years says she doesn’t like being married as she can’t do whatever she wants (I’ve never stopped her, I actually support whatever she wants to do), now doesn’t want any physical intimacy. Kid number 2 is depressed, and dumps problems on me daily. Aging parent is carer to my stepfather and has no life, so leans on me all the time. Manager at work has all kinds of personal issues and dumps on me. I’m pretty sure she’ll quit soon. And the company is planning layoffs so my former staff members keep coming to me for advice on how to plan their part.
I’m financially ok, don’t enjoy hobbies any more, just do chores, fix stuff around the house, gawp at the internet. If I want to go and do something solo like listen to music, practice guitar, go for a drive then I’m not spending time with wifey even though it seems we have few common activities. I try to show interest in hers, but she has zero interest in mine.
I’m just so damn tired of it all.
And my dog is on his last legs.
Sorry for whinge, nobody wants to listen to what I need. Yes I have a therapist through a work funded org, she offers no practical advice.
Right now I’m lying in bed at 8am, been awake for hours being texted by kid #2 with latest woes.
Not suicidal, just don’t know how to get out of this.
As others have said definitely finding someone professional to talk to is going to be priceless, if the therapist you have isn’t any good for you then change them until you get one you click with.
Going through some big stuff myself at the moment and fitness routine and mindfulness activities , have kept me sane just about . Been doing ice bathes last few months , had a huge positive effect .
Get your head up and keep reaching out !
Hi,
What area are you in?
You need to talk to someone or have some support, andysmanclub is a good start and they have Monday meetings all over, check their site for your closest.
The biggest step is going through the door but once you are in you'll feel the group and the warmth that you are not alone.
What area are you in?
You need to talk to someone or have some support, andysmanclub is a good start and they have Monday meetings all over, check their site for your closest.
The biggest step is going through the door but once you are in you'll feel the group and the warmth that you are not alone.
gawdelpme said:
Thanks! It feel like it’s getting worse. Kid 2 is really going through it, problems with mental health, had to move into an Airbnb (my expense) to get out of a house share where the other tenant was getting very difficult and borderline abusive, still has nowhere to live although has a couple of possible rentals lined up, for her everything is hopeless and has self harmed. I’m scared stiff of setting any boundaries in case she does something stupid to herself.
Wife has a go about every 3 months about not wanting to be married but when I tell her ok, let’s split up, backs off quickly
Feels like a downhill spiral. I see hope in many of these areas, but it all evaporated this morning when the latest crisis hit my text at 5am.
How about finding an activity you can do with your daughter? Something that can get you both out of the house and have a bit of fun would do both of you a lot of good.Wife has a go about every 3 months about not wanting to be married but when I tell her ok, let’s split up, backs off quickly
Feels like a downhill spiral. I see hope in many of these areas, but it all evaporated this morning when the latest crisis hit my text at 5am.
With regards to the wife if she really doesn't want to be with you/married (same thing really) tell her to pack her s
t and go. That sort attitude isn't helpful to anyone Thanks guys, this helps. I’m in the US, so after about 6pm the family and work pressures go away for a while. I do walk our younger dog, and I occasionally use our rowing machine. In the summer we have a pool so I swim. I play in a couple of bands, the guys are cool but I wouldn’t say we’re close mates. Without the desire to practice my playing is not where I want it to be - and then there’s always band drama which I don’t need.
My wife doesn’t want to leave, she just rails against what she perceives as the constraints of marriage. Also has lost interest in intimacy so I feel rejected, unloved etc. plenty of space on the internet dedicated to that!
I’m realising that a lot of this is my kid 2 emotionally dumping on me. I don’t know how to handle that.
My wife doesn’t want to leave, she just rails against what she perceives as the constraints of marriage. Also has lost interest in intimacy so I feel rejected, unloved etc. plenty of space on the internet dedicated to that!
I’m realising that a lot of this is my kid 2 emotionally dumping on me. I don’t know how to handle that.
Daughter is in the UK and has no local friends. This is part of the problem. Her mother is 3-4 hours away and they don’t have the greatest relationship. This is why I end up talking to her for quite some time each day. I love her but the constant downer is hard work.
The “constraints” seem to be that my wife feels she can’t go where she wants (she can), can’t spend her money on what she wants (she does) and feels obliged to actually have a relationship with her husband. In some ways she pushed me to get married so it’s a bit hypocritical.
The “constraints” seem to be that my wife feels she can’t go where she wants (she can), can’t spend her money on what she wants (she does) and feels obliged to actually have a relationship with her husband. In some ways she pushed me to get married so it’s a bit hypocritical.
I’m no expert on your particular problems, but I have managed to get myself from suicidal ideation to being present and living my life to the max, so it’s totally possibly to create a huge shift in your circumstances over time, and with lots of personal effort of course.
I believe what’s key to this is removing and avoiding toxicity in your life, and from what you’ve posted your marriage sounds broken, and you would be far better off out of it (as I was without knowing it at the time).
Yes it’s a huge step to take, but the situation is no doubt having a massive negative impact on your wellbeing and life, so if you can get that sorted it’ll give you more time and energy to focus on your daughter, but you also need to focus on you, so you can kick back and chill and be kind to yourself as well.
I found writing lists of triggers/issues helped me focus on how I could sort things out, and prioritise what needed doing first. Some issues seemed huge but they weren’t in reality.
I also posted about my journey on PH which helped me no end just by sharing what I was going through and there are an awful lot of seriously helpful and kind people on this site, who will I’m sure be happy to guide and help you too.
It can and will get better!
I believe what’s key to this is removing and avoiding toxicity in your life, and from what you’ve posted your marriage sounds broken, and you would be far better off out of it (as I was without knowing it at the time).
Yes it’s a huge step to take, but the situation is no doubt having a massive negative impact on your wellbeing and life, so if you can get that sorted it’ll give you more time and energy to focus on your daughter, but you also need to focus on you, so you can kick back and chill and be kind to yourself as well.
I found writing lists of triggers/issues helped me focus on how I could sort things out, and prioritise what needed doing first. Some issues seemed huge but they weren’t in reality.
I also posted about my journey on PH which helped me no end just by sharing what I was going through and there are an awful lot of seriously helpful and kind people on this site, who will I’m sure be happy to guide and help you too.
It can and will get better!
It’s an awful lot to be going through in one go, my sympathies.
I would suggest dealing with each issue in isolation / one problem at a time and don’t let each issue flow over and affect something else.
Your relationship with your wife is probably the largest contributing factor here, that needs to be addressed and you deserve to know where you stand.
You might feasibly be more than strong enough to cope with everything else but if your home life isn’t on the strongest foundation, you would find this disproportionately affects everything else downstream.
If you can sort through the mess / chaos you feel that you are living through, what small steps can you take to make little changes to start to nudge things in the right direction?
While you are the common factor being at the centre of this chaos (you might feel), look to separate each issue out (write them down if needed) and also make suggestions as to what you can do to address them as individual issues. It will also help you visualise that you can tackle them when they aren’t bundled up together.
If you do have time for hobbies, helping a homeless charity might give you a sense of balance and a feeling of putting back you might find helps you in these other areas of your life.
If the band hobby is proving a drama for example - can you take a sabbatical from this and have one less thing to worry about?
As above, also keep posting on here and ask for advice, you might find something you can use in day to day life that helps you.
I would suggest dealing with each issue in isolation / one problem at a time and don’t let each issue flow over and affect something else.
Your relationship with your wife is probably the largest contributing factor here, that needs to be addressed and you deserve to know where you stand.
You might feasibly be more than strong enough to cope with everything else but if your home life isn’t on the strongest foundation, you would find this disproportionately affects everything else downstream.
If you can sort through the mess / chaos you feel that you are living through, what small steps can you take to make little changes to start to nudge things in the right direction?
While you are the common factor being at the centre of this chaos (you might feel), look to separate each issue out (write them down if needed) and also make suggestions as to what you can do to address them as individual issues. It will also help you visualise that you can tackle them when they aren’t bundled up together.
If you do have time for hobbies, helping a homeless charity might give you a sense of balance and a feeling of putting back you might find helps you in these other areas of your life.
If the band hobby is proving a drama for example - can you take a sabbatical from this and have one less thing to worry about?
As above, also keep posting on here and ask for advice, you might find something you can use in day to day life that helps you.
Edited by 996Type on Sunday 18th February 16:44
Sorry to hear all that. I can imagine it's tough when everyone is using you as a free therapist. I would encourage them to seek professional help (whatever that means for each individual case) because you DO need to set boundaries to look after yourself.
I also would be encouraging them to decide what they want to happen. I hate it when people just offload for the sake of it. It does nothing. A problem shared is a problem doubled in my books. I actually ask if offloading will actually be any use as I prefer to solve a problem not just whine about it for an hour... unless I'm allowed to watch TV at the same time. I am not a counsellor.
When someone is on full whine mode, you can tell they're not happy, so it isn't a problem halved. My attitude is sort it out or suck it up.
Someone else put it more kindly: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
But sorting it out could mean many things - seeking a therapist, speaking to an advisor, making a decision, taking action. But not just dragging someone down because you fancy whinging about it.
As for your wife, she sounds depressed and frustrated. What does she really want? Is she just trying to get a reaction? Is she just trying to get you to do something good/useful? (It takes two to tango!) If she's serious, she'd have gone ages ago. Certainly, I would be speaking to her. Set aside time when it's right for you both, don't just bring it up on the way to Tesco or suddenly during breakfast. "Just before you go..."
I also would be encouraging them to decide what they want to happen. I hate it when people just offload for the sake of it. It does nothing. A problem shared is a problem doubled in my books. I actually ask if offloading will actually be any use as I prefer to solve a problem not just whine about it for an hour... unless I'm allowed to watch TV at the same time. I am not a counsellor.
When someone is on full whine mode, you can tell they're not happy, so it isn't a problem halved. My attitude is sort it out or suck it up.Someone else put it more kindly: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
But sorting it out could mean many things - seeking a therapist, speaking to an advisor, making a decision, taking action. But not just dragging someone down because you fancy whinging about it.
As for your wife, she sounds depressed and frustrated. What does she really want? Is she just trying to get a reaction? Is she just trying to get you to do something good/useful? (It takes two to tango!) If she's serious, she'd have gone ages ago. Certainly, I would be speaking to her. Set aside time when it's right for you both, don't just bring it up on the way to Tesco or suddenly during breakfast. "Just before you go..."
Hey OP, I completely feel for you. You’re obviously a decent sort as it sounds like people warm to you and confide / dump on you - but that’s leading to a very very full plate. Anyone in your position would also be crumbling.
First off, I think it’s important to find another councillor as it’s really important you have a place to vent, and talk things through. Counselor’s have other counselors to offload to for that very reason - it’s very hard to hold onto and be involved with other peoples problems. But you have to realise they won’t give advice, just act as a sounding board and lead you to get your own mind in order as how things should be be dealt with.
As another poster above said, next step is to get your relationship with your wife back on track or not in ‘limbo’. I’m incredibly fortunate and wife my is my ‘team’ and always has my back, and you can accomplish anything when you have a partner in crime or someone to discuss ‘life’ with. I don’t know quite how you do it, but somehow you need her to start communicating with you to find out what’s really at the heart of her issues. I assume you want the marriage to survive?
I’d also suggest your daughter also seeks help in the UK if she’s self harming. With the utmost respect thats not something you can ‘sort’ - I really think professional help is essential here.
I wish I had practical solutions for you, and was able to say do this, say that etc, but as above I think the two issues at the heart of everything, need to be seriously discussed (relationship with your wife and your daughter seeks outside help). You can’t continue to carry all this weight - as you’re finding it has a huge impact on you.
Rant / vent as often as you need to or want to here. There are quite a few decent sorts on PH
First off, I think it’s important to find another councillor as it’s really important you have a place to vent, and talk things through. Counselor’s have other counselors to offload to for that very reason - it’s very hard to hold onto and be involved with other peoples problems. But you have to realise they won’t give advice, just act as a sounding board and lead you to get your own mind in order as how things should be be dealt with.
As another poster above said, next step is to get your relationship with your wife back on track or not in ‘limbo’. I’m incredibly fortunate and wife my is my ‘team’ and always has my back, and you can accomplish anything when you have a partner in crime or someone to discuss ‘life’ with. I don’t know quite how you do it, but somehow you need her to start communicating with you to find out what’s really at the heart of her issues. I assume you want the marriage to survive?
I’d also suggest your daughter also seeks help in the UK if she’s self harming. With the utmost respect thats not something you can ‘sort’ - I really think professional help is essential here.
I wish I had practical solutions for you, and was able to say do this, say that etc, but as above I think the two issues at the heart of everything, need to be seriously discussed (relationship with your wife and your daughter seeks outside help). You can’t continue to carry all this weight - as you’re finding it has a huge impact on you.
Rant / vent as often as you need to or want to here. There are quite a few decent sorts on PH
Cheers all, I’ll try to respond.
Hoofy is right. I can’t be everyone’s therapist. I need better boundaries. Some of the work stuff is normal mentoring, which is fine, but my manager pushes it over the line. Can’t tell you the details but I’m there as backstop for when she inevitably leaves. I dotted line to someone waaay above her. She knows this. So every time she has a rough time she tells me she’ll probably quit soon. It’s a drip drip of pressure.
My daughter is also a constant drip drip of issues, some minor, some not so much. She has a therapist but leans on me between sessions. I feel with therapy, meds, a new place to live and a new job which she should hopefully start soon she’ll be on the right road. It will be a long road though.
My wife and I had a serious discussion earlier. We do love and care for each other, but she’s had awful experience of marriage and that, with likely hormonal changes and other stresses don’t help. I’m trying to do more stuff together and she’s kind of trying too. Shes now suggested I go and find someone else for the physical stuff to take away that pressure on her. Not really what I want and clearly gets complicated quickly. But I get it. She doesn’t like the idea of marriage coming with expectations and obligations. I wish she’d be prepared to get some couples therapy to discuss our respective thoughts without an argument. Unlikely at the moment, but I may have to threaten to leave if not. That gets VERY complicated!
Anyway, appreciate the opportunity to vent. I will put the effort in, hope she will reciprocate. Maybe I’ll end up on the Match thread soon!
Hoofy is right. I can’t be everyone’s therapist. I need better boundaries. Some of the work stuff is normal mentoring, which is fine, but my manager pushes it over the line. Can’t tell you the details but I’m there as backstop for when she inevitably leaves. I dotted line to someone waaay above her. She knows this. So every time she has a rough time she tells me she’ll probably quit soon. It’s a drip drip of pressure.
My daughter is also a constant drip drip of issues, some minor, some not so much. She has a therapist but leans on me between sessions. I feel with therapy, meds, a new place to live and a new job which she should hopefully start soon she’ll be on the right road. It will be a long road though.
My wife and I had a serious discussion earlier. We do love and care for each other, but she’s had awful experience of marriage and that, with likely hormonal changes and other stresses don’t help. I’m trying to do more stuff together and she’s kind of trying too. Shes now suggested I go and find someone else for the physical stuff to take away that pressure on her. Not really what I want and clearly gets complicated quickly. But I get it. She doesn’t like the idea of marriage coming with expectations and obligations. I wish she’d be prepared to get some couples therapy to discuss our respective thoughts without an argument. Unlikely at the moment, but I may have to threaten to leave if not. That gets VERY complicated!
Anyway, appreciate the opportunity to vent. I will put the effort in, hope she will reciprocate. Maybe I’ll end up on the Match thread soon!
gawdelpme said:
My wife and I had a serious discussion earlier. We do love and care for each other, but she’s had awful experience of marriage and that, with likely hormonal changes and other stresses don’t help. I’m trying to do more stuff together and she’s kind of trying too. Shes now suggested I go and find someone else for the physical stuff to take away that pressure on her. Not really what I want and clearly gets complicated quickly. But I get it. She doesn’t like the idea of marriage coming with expectations and obligations. I wish she’d be prepared to get some couples therapy to discuss our respective thoughts without an argument. Unlikely at the moment, but I may have to threaten to leave if not. That gets VERY complicated!
"We do love and care for each other" - that's good to hear and that probably means her saying she wants to finish it is her trying to say that she needs you to help her to sort out your relationship. Marriage guidances/couples therapy is probably a very good idea.I feel like if you found a mistress, that would be the end of your marriage. I'm not the best to speak about women but if you make her feel good about herself physically then that will open her up, so to speak.
Do you find her attractive? If not, can you fake finding her attractive very well? If she's peri-menopausal or menopausal that will affect her mood ie she will probably be depressed and probably feels very unsexy. The expectations and obligations (I assume you mean re physical intimacy) shouldn't be that way. They should come naturally as part of you both wanting to enjoy each other physically. This will come when she feels good about herself.
As I say, I am not the best to speak about women so am happy for someone to tell me that I'm talking s
t. I do understand the psychological aspect of things, though.Yes, I find her attractive. Actually, me telling her that apparently makes her feel pressured if I do it in a sexual way. I would be happy to be faithful for ever, but not celibate.
She’s been working on her weight and fitness, as have I. I fancy the wotsits off her. If she would at least acknowledge that lack of libido is a problem, and be prepared to work through it, I’d be content for now.
She’s been working on her weight and fitness, as have I. I fancy the wotsits off her. If she would at least acknowledge that lack of libido is a problem, and be prepared to work through it, I’d be content for now.
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