Discussing Death with Young Children

[Tom8]

Sadly my mum has an untreatable condition and not long to live. I have a bright eight year old daughter and we have been weighing up if we should tell her this so when mum does die then it is less of a shock and also until then she can appreciate her grandmother that bit more before that time.

Our view at the moment is we should tell her.

Has anyone else had similar and what did you chose? Is there anything we should be wary of?

Many thanks.

[Radec]

Yes of course tell her, death is part of life and at 8 she will understand what's going on.
It will probably bring them even closer if she wants to spend more time with her before she goes.

Whatever you decide it's going to be upsetting in any case.

Plus if you prepare her now it won't be such a shock in the future.

You will only get one shot at this so just be honest and open with her and get her prepared for the inevitable and she can deal in her own way with your support.

[dundarach]

Yes my mum died when mine were 9 and 11.

We told them, however they didn't come to mums funeral, we held it deliberately when they were at school.

[Tom8]

dundarach said:

Yes my mum died when mine were 9 and 11.

We told them, however they didn't come to mums funeral, we held it deliberately when they were at school.

Actually that was another question, at what age do you take children to funerals as we were thinking not to. Thanks for sharing.

[Slow.Patrol]

At the age of 11, my Grandmother died and my parents decided that I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. I regret that I didn't go as I had a close relationship with her as I would call in on my way home from school every day for tea and biscuits.

My Brother in Law died recently and both his sons took their children to the funeral. They are 5, 6 and 12. It was actually lovely to see them, even if they didn't sit still or spoke at the wrong moment. It was a great reminder that life goes on and also the legacy that their Grandfather had a part in creating.

[VEIGHT]

Sorry to hear about your mum.

It's a really good question and at 8 I'm sure they would understand what's going on.

I'm no expert but I would maybe start to explain that grandma is poorly as a reason why she would suddenly not be around anymore.

A really good resource is a fantastic charity called Winston's Wish - here is just a page about how to tell a young person that someone has died.

https://www.winstonswish.org/telling-a-child-someo...

[2 GKC]

Tom8 said:

Actually that was another question, at what age do you take children to funerals as we were thinking not to. Thanks for sharing.

I took my 5 year old to my dad’s funeral last year. Think it would have been odd for him not to be there.

[Tom8]

VEIGHT said:

Sorry to hear about your mum.

It's a really good question and at 8 I'm sure they would understand what's going on.

I'm no expert but I would maybe start to explain that grandma is poorly as a reason why she would suddenly not be around anymore.

A really good resource is a fantastic charity called Winston's Wish - here is just a page about how to tell a young person that someone has died.

https://www.winstonswish.org/telling-a-child-someo...

Thank you that is helpful.

[Tom8]

2 GKC said:

Tom8 said:

Actually that was another question, at what age do you take children to funerals as we were thinking not to. Thanks for sharing.

I took my 5 year old to my dad’s funeral last year. Think it would have been odd for him not to be there.

Thanks for sharing. Did he he know what it was about?

[Muzzer79]

Quite some time ago, but I was the youngest at my Grandfather's funeral, aged 12.

My cousins - aged 7 and 5 - did not attend.

I think it depends on the child. It's not so much a case of how they behave, it's more that they have to understand what's happened otherwise there's little point in them attending.

[Tom8]

Muzzer79 said:

Quite some time ago, but I was the youngest at my Grandfather's funeral, aged 12.

My cousins - aged 7 and 5 - did not attend.

I think it depends on the child. It's not so much a case of how they behave, it's more that they have to understand what's happened otherwise there's little point in them attending.

Yes I think my concern is her being upset because her parents and those she loves are upset. I find that is worst thing at funerals as you see those you care about being upset.

[solo2]

My mum passed away and we had her funeral last month. My daughter and son in law brought their kids (aged 4&5) to the funeral. Whilst the kids had no idea what was going on, it was lovely to see them there and everyone doted around them.

I was never told my grandfather had died for years when I was little so never went to the funeral and I missed him and asked after him for a long time before my parents confessed he'd died. I very much disagree that they had not let me go and say goodbye to him and I miss him very much still to this day.

[sherman]

I went to my grandads funeral when I was quite young. I got taken to the wake at the local hotel straight from the church whilst the older members of the family went to the grave. Its the right thing to have the kids included to help them understand and grieve in their own way but maybe not traumitise them. Let them eat cake and sweets that day. Build it into a happy memory for them to remember.

[Vasco]

Radec said:

Yes of course tell her, death is part of life and at 8 she will understand what's going on.
It will probably bring them even closer if she wants to spend more time with her before she goes.

Whatever you decide it's going to be upsetting in any case.

Plus if you prepare her now it won't be such a shock in the future.

You will only get one shot at this so just be honest and open with her and get her prepared for the inevitable and she can deal in her own way with your support.

^^^^^^ This

Absolutely.

[spaximus]

I agree with the comments on here. The other benefit is as your mother declines she will not have to try to hide anything and be herself around your daughter.

I would also take her to the funeral as she in many ways is your mums immortality and her legacy

Also do not lose sight of your needs during this period I got so involved with my mum and family that I didn’t find time for myself

[MajorMantra]

Tom8 said:

Yes I think my concern is her being upset because her parents and those she loves are upset. I find that is worst thing at funerals as you see those you care about being upset.

While it's upsetting to see family upset, it's also healthy for a child to see adults expressing their emotions.

Teaching a child that difficult emotions should be hidden or bottled up is counterproductive in the long-term.

We're not very good at talking about death in this country and IMO that really needs to change. Anyone who's been bereaved will tell you how isolating it can be when everyone just avoids the subject because confronting it is too difficult or emotions are somehow seen as being embarrassing.

Btw for anyone dealing with grief or who simply wants to understand it better, I recommend the podcast Griefcast. There are episodes that discuss explaining death to children, and indeed for every other scenario.

[Howitzer]

Something to remember also is you may learn a lot more about the deceased if any of heir friends attend.

I was 30 when my grandpa passed away so not the same but learnt so many little cool stories about him from some of his friends and it was really nice to hear. Although they are a grandparent to them it’s not all they were.

Dave!

[dobly]

Tom8 said:

Sadly my mum has an untreatable condition and not long to live. I have a bright eight year old daughter and we have been weighing up if we should tell her this so when mum does die then it is less of a shock and also until then she can appreciate her grandmother that bit more before that time.

Our view at the moment is we should tell her.

Has anyone else had similar and what did you chose? Is there anything we should be wary of?

Many thanks.

Certainly tell her, and be honest and totally transparent about exactly what is going on. They need to spend time together, if at all possible to bond (if they haven’t already - if they have then all the more reason to create more good memories). Unless the condition is totally hideous and disfiguring, your daughter will be fine and thank you for the opportunity to have known an older generation down the track.
If your daughter were 6, it would be a much tougher decision, but at 8 she will be more than able to cope, as long as you and your wife are sensible and sensitive. There are probably books that you can refer to - the only one i can think of off the top of my head is by Cariad Lloyd - You Are Not Alone, which is also the title of her podcast which I’m sure you will get something from too.
(As an aside, I looked up how to spell her name, and see that she has a new book planned for release next year called Where Did She Go, which is exactly the book you need now…)

[Ashfordian]

Tom8 said:

dundarach said:

Yes my mum died when mine were 9 and 11.

We told them, however they didn't come to mums funeral, we held it deliberately when they were at school.

Actually that was another question, at what age do you take children to funerals as we were thinking not to. Thanks for sharing.

The above is really poor advice. At 8 it depends on the relationship the child has/had with the deceased. I would only not take them if the relationship is distant.

I was not allowed to go to a funeral of someone I was close to when I was slightly older than your child, and every funeral since has added sadness because I reflect back on that situation.

[dontlookdown]

Ashfordian said:

Tom8 said:

dundarach said:

Yes my mum died when mine were 9 and 11.

We told them, however they didn't come to mums funeral, we held it deliberately when they were at school.

Actually that was another question, at what age do you take children to funerals as we were thinking not to. Thanks for sharing.

The above is really poor advice. At 8 it depends on the relationship the child has/had with the deceased. I would only not take them if the relationship is distant.

I was not allowed to go to a funeral of someone I was close to when I was slightly older than your child, and every funeral since has added sadness because I reflect back on that situation.

It's odd this not taking kids to funerals of close relles business. I was not allowed to go to the funeral of my grandpa, who died when I was 8. We had been quite close, and it is something I regret to this day.

I've taken my daughter to all our family funerals, including one of her grannies when she was 3.

For the OP, definitely tell her and be entirely open about what is going on. She will thank you for it, both now and in the future.