Struggling to do life
Discussion
Long time poster, I've made a new username for the purpose of this thread.
Mid thirties and I feel that my life is spiralling out of control through apathy. It's entirely my doing, but I feel helpless to do anything. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD, and this may or may not be a contributing factor.
I've been depressed in the past due to not knowing what to do in life. I spent a whole year out of work wondering what to do with myself. I wasn't suicidal (and neither am I now), but in the past i've had thoughts about the point in living, and my purpose in life. These thoughts went away when I eventually fell into a career path that I started to enjoy. I haven't felt depressed in the same way for a few years.
I'm currently out of work since October and I have no motivation to do anything with my time. Most days I lie in bed until midday or later, and then eventually I get out of bed and sit around doing not much other than watching tv/youtube or playing games. Everything turns into 'it's too late in the day now, i'll do it tomorrow'. But tomorrow never arrives. In fact, it's taken me a long time just to bring myself to write this.
I have several projects and goals in life that i've started but not finished. I just can't force myself to do anything at all. Especially during the winter months. This does slightly improve as the weather warms up, but everything is just a chore and extremely slow going. There are things that i've left on the back burner for years.
I feel that this is holding me back in my career as well. I'd like to progress up the ladder but I need to gain more professional qualifications to do so. Again, there is no desire to want to take time to study. My brain seems to like small constant dopamine hits than anything meaningful.
Work-wise, I can be a hard worker, but over the past couple of years I've been struggling with motivation. Working from home makes it worse. I get by doing the bare minimum and at a leisurely pace. I have no desire to do more.
I know I can be quite productive when I put my mind to it, but it doesn't come easy. And I fear it's getting worse with age. I want to address it but I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I feel that life is running away from me, and sooner or later i'm going to have a real mid life crisis.
Mid thirties and I feel that my life is spiralling out of control through apathy. It's entirely my doing, but I feel helpless to do anything. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD, and this may or may not be a contributing factor.
I've been depressed in the past due to not knowing what to do in life. I spent a whole year out of work wondering what to do with myself. I wasn't suicidal (and neither am I now), but in the past i've had thoughts about the point in living, and my purpose in life. These thoughts went away when I eventually fell into a career path that I started to enjoy. I haven't felt depressed in the same way for a few years.
I'm currently out of work since October and I have no motivation to do anything with my time. Most days I lie in bed until midday or later, and then eventually I get out of bed and sit around doing not much other than watching tv/youtube or playing games. Everything turns into 'it's too late in the day now, i'll do it tomorrow'. But tomorrow never arrives. In fact, it's taken me a long time just to bring myself to write this.
I have several projects and goals in life that i've started but not finished. I just can't force myself to do anything at all. Especially during the winter months. This does slightly improve as the weather warms up, but everything is just a chore and extremely slow going. There are things that i've left on the back burner for years.
I feel that this is holding me back in my career as well. I'd like to progress up the ladder but I need to gain more professional qualifications to do so. Again, there is no desire to want to take time to study. My brain seems to like small constant dopamine hits than anything meaningful.
Work-wise, I can be a hard worker, but over the past couple of years I've been struggling with motivation. Working from home makes it worse. I get by doing the bare minimum and at a leisurely pace. I have no desire to do more.
I know I can be quite productive when I put my mind to it, but it doesn't come easy. And I fear it's getting worse with age. I want to address it but I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I feel that life is running away from me, and sooner or later i'm going to have a real mid life crisis.
Apathy sucks! It can be difficult to get motivated, especially this time of year, but as you probably realise, doing stuff will improve your mood. You say you have started several projects but given up on them. Don't look at it as 'given up' but more as ' stalled' or temporarily on hold. The ground you have made on these is progress, an achievement for which you deserve to give yourself credit. Don't look at these projects and say 'theres loads to do, I'll never finish' but look what small steps you can take on them. When I was a cyclist I used to climb hills and not look at the top of the hill, which can be discouraging, but look at the road a few yards ahead. A journey of a thousand miles starts with, and consists of, a single step
DO NOT write off the day thinking it's too late to start now, make a cup of tea and plan what little jobs you can do to get yourself going. Try to think of a few. When you've done one, you will fill better, and motivated to do another little job while you're active. It is hard to get motivated this time of year, but that's not just you, that's a lot of people. The first step is the hardest, but you can do it.
Also, kudos to you for baring your soul on here. Knowing what it can be like on here, that must've been tough, but you still did it, so you should consider that as a start. You have the will, now you just need to act on it. Be strong, you have the ability to make things better. Good luck and best wishes, Super.
DO NOT write off the day thinking it's too late to start now, make a cup of tea and plan what little jobs you can do to get yourself going. Try to think of a few. When you've done one, you will fill better, and motivated to do another little job while you're active. It is hard to get motivated this time of year, but that's not just you, that's a lot of people. The first step is the hardest, but you can do it.
Also, kudos to you for baring your soul on here. Knowing what it can be like on here, that must've been tough, but you still did it, so you should consider that as a start. You have the will, now you just need to act on it. Be strong, you have the ability to make things better. Good luck and best wishes, Super.
Slowboathome said:
I feel for you mate.
On the subject of not feeling inclined to do stuff: habits trump motivation.
I've read a shed load of popular psychology books, and written a few, but this is the one I would recommend in your situation.
Very good book. Recommended to me by my counsellor, which is another avenue I would recommend going down. On the subject of not feeling inclined to do stuff: habits trump motivation.
I've read a shed load of popular psychology books, and written a few, but this is the one I would recommend in your situation.
Congrats, you made it this far, look how far you have come, consider anyone of worth in your life and how long it may be until they expire, then decide what you want to achieve or experience before your facing a real problem, like the end of your days without control of it, or knowing your so old you could go any minute now.
Good luck, you likely only have one shot at being anything you want to be, do it or you will never get to be what you otherwise could.
I mean it, take time to think about your life from being a kid up until now, all the achievements you made you perhaps never knew you would or wanted when little, getting a car, mutual connections, how you wanted them and think what's better for you to achieve, have or experience, and figure out what you would want to experience if you only had a month of life left, imagining you actually do only have a month, and you want to live, but can't because of some condition or circumstance, imagine loosing people of value to you, and what you would do different if they just died, and you want them back but you can't, then be grateful you likely have more time and crack on, if depressed work out, over time you'll have a good physique, more options, and people will likely treat you better, motivation will grow and goals will improve.
Just my own experiencing life after loosing all multiple times and figuring out how to limit, avoid or blow the living poo out of otherwise dire situations, which then don't play out as badly as thought or result in me becoming more focused to achieve better or richen my experience.
Good luck, you likely only have one shot at being anything you want to be, do it or you will never get to be what you otherwise could.
I mean it, take time to think about your life from being a kid up until now, all the achievements you made you perhaps never knew you would or wanted when little, getting a car, mutual connections, how you wanted them and think what's better for you to achieve, have or experience, and figure out what you would want to experience if you only had a month of life left, imagining you actually do only have a month, and you want to live, but can't because of some condition or circumstance, imagine loosing people of value to you, and what you would do different if they just died, and you want them back but you can't, then be grateful you likely have more time and crack on, if depressed work out, over time you'll have a good physique, more options, and people will likely treat you better, motivation will grow and goals will improve.
Just my own experiencing life after loosing all multiple times and figuring out how to limit, avoid or blow the living poo out of otherwise dire situations, which then don't play out as badly as thought or result in me becoming more focused to achieve better or richen my experience.
Edited by NFT on Saturday 6th January 01:09
Don't think I can offer any words of wisdom but I have felt the same on and off peaking in my mid 30's. I kind of learned to live with it, I could feel depression coming on almost like the onset of a migrane. Eventually come to the conclusion I just had to ride it out and not fight it, a week later (usually) and I'd be on a more even keel.
Then I had a couple of kids and that forces you to focus while also giving you purpose, something i wasnt getting from a career. Virtually everything I do now revolves around them in some way or other.
I think there's a good chance I'd be in a pretty dark place in my 40's and without the kids.
Then I had a couple of kids and that forces you to focus while also giving you purpose, something i wasnt getting from a career. Virtually everything I do now revolves around them in some way or other.
I think there's a good chance I'd be in a pretty dark place in my 40's and without the kids.
I don't have any advice for you other than to say that there's no such thing as adult ADHD. It's just ADHD and if you have it now, you always had it and just didn't know. That means that you would likely have found school difficult, or at least the parts of learning that you weren't interested in. There are quite a lot of videos on Youtube covering ADHD - I'm sure that like me you've found them and seen how well they describe you and explain a lot of your traits that other people as well as you find to be negative or at least challenging.
I'm a bit older than you (will be 50 later this year) and I haven't been formally diagnosed as my doctor thinks I am a high achiever and that if I am affected, have obviously found ways to cope so what's the point in a diagnosis? I do see his point, but in a way a diagnosis would help me to feel that my struggles in life aren't my fault. I'm not naturally a high achiever at all. I can be very lazy, I leave EVERYTHING to the very last minute, I can't get anywhere on time, and I live life for the moment rather than planning for the future. A suffer from extreme apathy, especially after the death of my mother in 2022 who I had been caring for. I have to absolutely force myself to do things, and when they're not necessary I just don't do things. I even have to absolutely force myself to do fun things like going to parties or going on holiday.
Over Christmas I was off work from the 23rd December to the 3rd of January, which is what, 10 or 11 days? I have so many started and not finished projects, and what did I do? I reverted to my natural body clock, which has me waking up after midday and then just wasting time lounging around on the computer or playing 8-ball pool on my tablet. By the time I manage to shower and get dressed, it's getting on for 4pm and it's dark outside. So all the things I thought I would get on with over the break remained undone. So instead of doing genuinely useful things, I sat at my desk and surfed the web. I've been meaning to learn to program in C. So I watched a ton of videos on that and wrote a few simple programs. And I watched a ton of videos on FreeCAD, because I've been wanting to get myself a 3D printer and what would be the point if I don't know how to design things. So I learnt how to make a few objects in FreeCAD, but I decided against the 3D printer because I don't actually need one. I just want one - a childish whim. I ended up sitting at my computer until 4 or 5 in the morning before realising that I really ought to go to bed. And the cycle repeated itself. I only left the house to go to the supermarket when I'd run out of food. Oh, and the kitchen is a mess because I couldn't be bothered to do any washing up. It's still like that. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I'm sitting here typing this at 2am.
So many started projects that I can't be bothered to finish.
My only saving grace is that I have a job that I enjoy - that gets around most of the ADHD issues and means I can hyper-focus. I work from home and often do 12-hour days in my pyjamas. Sometimes longer. Because I'd rather be working than washing up or doing the ironing. But I still have to force myself to get out of bed in the first place. Thankfully I have a cushy job with a fantastic company who don't care when I work as long as things get done. They pay me handsomely so I don't have financial stress but were it not for my work I'd be completely lost. The only stress is when I have a business trip which means that I have to try to behave like a normal person for a week or two. And then things get better. When I'm around colleagues I start to feel a lot better. And then once I'm back home, alone and isolated, I descend back into my state of apathy.
I know I need to get a life, but I just can't be bothered. But I know I'm not alone and that lots of people are in the same boat, especially when they live alone and work from home.
I'm a bit older than you (will be 50 later this year) and I haven't been formally diagnosed as my doctor thinks I am a high achiever and that if I am affected, have obviously found ways to cope so what's the point in a diagnosis? I do see his point, but in a way a diagnosis would help me to feel that my struggles in life aren't my fault. I'm not naturally a high achiever at all. I can be very lazy, I leave EVERYTHING to the very last minute, I can't get anywhere on time, and I live life for the moment rather than planning for the future. A suffer from extreme apathy, especially after the death of my mother in 2022 who I had been caring for. I have to absolutely force myself to do things, and when they're not necessary I just don't do things. I even have to absolutely force myself to do fun things like going to parties or going on holiday.
Over Christmas I was off work from the 23rd December to the 3rd of January, which is what, 10 or 11 days? I have so many started and not finished projects, and what did I do? I reverted to my natural body clock, which has me waking up after midday and then just wasting time lounging around on the computer or playing 8-ball pool on my tablet. By the time I manage to shower and get dressed, it's getting on for 4pm and it's dark outside. So all the things I thought I would get on with over the break remained undone. So instead of doing genuinely useful things, I sat at my desk and surfed the web. I've been meaning to learn to program in C. So I watched a ton of videos on that and wrote a few simple programs. And I watched a ton of videos on FreeCAD, because I've been wanting to get myself a 3D printer and what would be the point if I don't know how to design things. So I learnt how to make a few objects in FreeCAD, but I decided against the 3D printer because I don't actually need one. I just want one - a childish whim. I ended up sitting at my computer until 4 or 5 in the morning before realising that I really ought to go to bed. And the cycle repeated itself. I only left the house to go to the supermarket when I'd run out of food. Oh, and the kitchen is a mess because I couldn't be bothered to do any washing up. It's still like that. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I'm sitting here typing this at 2am.
So many started projects that I can't be bothered to finish.
My only saving grace is that I have a job that I enjoy - that gets around most of the ADHD issues and means I can hyper-focus. I work from home and often do 12-hour days in my pyjamas. Sometimes longer. Because I'd rather be working than washing up or doing the ironing. But I still have to force myself to get out of bed in the first place. Thankfully I have a cushy job with a fantastic company who don't care when I work as long as things get done. They pay me handsomely so I don't have financial stress but were it not for my work I'd be completely lost. The only stress is when I have a business trip which means that I have to try to behave like a normal person for a week or two. And then things get better. When I'm around colleagues I start to feel a lot better. And then once I'm back home, alone and isolated, I descend back into my state of apathy.
I know I need to get a life, but I just can't be bothered. But I know I'm not alone and that lots of people are in the same boat, especially when they live alone and work from home.
Just remembered, you can get LED light bulbs that simulate sunrise, had one for a while and I woke up naturally finished with sleeping and ready for the day, some swear by them for winter blues and claim to be more motivated and in a better state of well-being.
Strive to achieve what you want, even if later you find it was just what you thought you wanted and found better, or you simply won't.
Hope it helps.
Strive to achieve what you want, even if later you find it was just what you thought you wanted and found better, or you simply won't.
Hope it helps.
Edited by NFT on Saturday 6th January 13:39
i have ADHD, was diagnosed 3 yrs ago at age 40.
i was made redundant in october, i can identify with a lot of what you are saying.
my recommendation to you is to ditch this anon account and come join the adult ADHD thread under your usual username. its a very open thread with lots of experiences. a common one is career apathy, another a history of depression/anxiety [or usually a cycle of both] in the preceding years.
sorry if this sounds harsh but if you can't be you on a faceless online forum, the chances of you acting on information from it and making real change are next to f
k all.
so drop the mask and jump in the thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
i was made redundant in october, i can identify with a lot of what you are saying.
my recommendation to you is to ditch this anon account and come join the adult ADHD thread under your usual username. its a very open thread with lots of experiences. a common one is career apathy, another a history of depression/anxiety [or usually a cycle of both] in the preceding years.
sorry if this sounds harsh but if you can't be you on a faceless online forum, the chances of you acting on information from it and making real change are next to f
k all. so drop the mask and jump in the thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
shirt said:
i have ADHD, was diagnosed 3 yrs ago at age 40.
i was made redundant in october, i can identify with a lot of what you are saying.
my recommendation to you is to ditch this anon account and come join the adult ADHD thread under your usual username. its a very open thread with lots of experiences. a common one is career apathy, another a history of depression/anxiety [or usually a cycle of both] in the preceding years.
sorry if this sounds harsh but if you can't be you on a faceless online forum, the chances of you acting on information from it and making real change are next to fk all.
so drop the mask and jump in the thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
I know this wasn't aimed at me but thanks for the link - I hadn't seen that thread!i was made redundant in october, i can identify with a lot of what you are saying.
my recommendation to you is to ditch this anon account and come join the adult ADHD thread under your usual username. its a very open thread with lots of experiences. a common one is career apathy, another a history of depression/anxiety [or usually a cycle of both] in the preceding years.
sorry if this sounds harsh but if you can't be you on a faceless online forum, the chances of you acting on information from it and making real change are next to f
k all. so drop the mask and jump in the thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
terne said:
Long time poster, I've made a new username for the purpose of this thread.
Mid thirties and I feel that my life is spiralling out of control through apathy. It's entirely my doing, but I feel helpless to do anything. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD, and this may or may not be a contributing factor.
Sorry to hear what you have been going thru. However in my opinion what you are describing is classic ADHD Inertia, pure. and simple. Mid thirties and I feel that my life is spiralling out of control through apathy. It's entirely my doing, but I feel helpless to do anything. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD, and this may or may not be a contributing factor.
https://adhdhomestead.net/newtons-first-law-of-adh... other articles/resources are availble in 'tinternet.
Can I ask if you are on meds? For me that would be a good place to start. If you are consider type/dosage you are currently on speak to your psychiatrist you are under,
If you are not, is there a reason why?
Secondly if you have cash (maybe you dont) look at ADHD coaches they can be very helpful in getting you going.
Some people have mentioned other techniques, which are perfectly good, but I suspect what you are experiencing is not 'behavioural' but more pervasive and these techniques don't perhaps take into account the ADHD.
Edited by sparkyhx on Sunday 7th January 22:31
Someone always has it worse that doesn't mean it isn't something that concerns terne.
FWIW if I was terne and if they haven't already I'd get stuck into the other thread as suggested.
Appreciate everyone sees these things differently but there's plenty I can relate to in terne's post and there's nothing there that feels like it should worry someone to talk about
FWIW if I was terne and if they haven't already I'd get stuck into the other thread as suggested.
Appreciate everyone sees these things differently but there's plenty I can relate to in terne's post and there's nothing there that feels like it should worry someone to talk about
smashy said:
Im going to be hard here,if you do not live with constant chronic pain every single minute of the day then you are the luckiest person in the world think about that and just get going with your life.
That, as a concept, is incredibly unhelpful - and doesn't work.Edited by TheJimi on Sunday 7th January 21:09
smashy said:
Im going to be hard here,if you do not live with constant chronic pain every single minute of the day then you are the luckiest person in the world think about that and just get going with your life.
Absolute garbage, some people are mentally in pain where everyday feels like torture, I have a lifelong condition that needs managing daily, I've had days where i have just wanted to check out but i can't because i know what it'd do to my family, so instead i tend to sleep a lot as that's my only way of escaping reality, not just through my illness but life in general.Absolutely nobody wants mental health problems, and for me anyone who says what you have has clearly never experienced it and i hope you never do but to come out and say that is ridiculous.
I've ordered the Atomic Habits book, thanks for the pointer .
I recognise a lot of the traits pointed out in this thread - notable career and general life apathy, combined with swings in anxiety.
I've not been diagnosed with anything, and neither am I seeking diagnosis. However, I would like to improve my mindset and approach to life - I think a new job/tweak in direction would help a lot... it's where I spend most of my time... but apathy...
.I recognise a lot of the traits pointed out in this thread - notable career and general life apathy, combined with swings in anxiety.
I've not been diagnosed with anything, and neither am I seeking diagnosis. However, I would like to improve my mindset and approach to life - I think a new job/tweak in direction would help a lot... it's where I spend most of my time... but apathy...
TheJimi said:
smashy said:
Im going to be hard here,if you do not live with constant chronic pain every single minute of the day then you are the luckiest person in the world think about that and just get going with your life.
That, as a concept, is incredibly unhelpful - and doesn't work.Edited by TheJimi on Sunday 7th January 21:09
There has been a lot of good advice and insight so far.
One thing you wrote, OPer, was that you notice your need for quick dopamine hits. You'll be getting this and training yourself to want more by playing games and watching YouTube etc. I'd get off those and do something else when you get up.
The post about habit > motivation is a good one and yes that book is great.
I'd say to find something small/simple to do everyday because then you feel like you've achieved something even if it's minor (eg going for a walk/exercise, reading 1 page of a book, going for a drive, writing in a journal, reading a website about some aspect of the industry you work in). It's a snowball effect - one minute you're just reading an article that takes 3 minutes, the next minute you're signing up for a 3 month CPD course. Right now it might seem ridiculous to consider a CPD but a 3 minute article might just be the step it takes to eventually signing up.
One thing you wrote, OPer, was that you notice your need for quick dopamine hits. You'll be getting this and training yourself to want more by playing games and watching YouTube etc. I'd get off those and do something else when you get up.
The post about habit > motivation is a good one and yes that book is great.
I'd say to find something small/simple to do everyday because then you feel like you've achieved something even if it's minor (eg going for a walk/exercise, reading 1 page of a book, going for a drive, writing in a journal, reading a website about some aspect of the industry you work in). It's a snowball effect - one minute you're just reading an article that takes 3 minutes, the next minute you're signing up for a 3 month CPD course. Right now it might seem ridiculous to consider a CPD but a 3 minute article might just be the step it takes to eventually signing up.
Edited by Hoofy on Monday 8th January 11:08
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff