Feeling low after child born
Discussion
I was going to make an anonymous username for this but I don’t care anymore.
A couple weeks ago my partner gave birth to our baby boy. The first day I was fine but after our first night at home I felt extremely anxious to the point I was trembling.
This has continued for days to the point I’ve had to go to the doctors. They gave me sertaline and diazepam but the diazepam helps for an hour or two then I’m the same.
Sertaline will take weeks to work but I’m struggling to function now, today.
I don’t want to harm myself or the baby but I feel low and don’t know how to get over what I’m feeling. I always wanted kids so it’s not that I don’t want my baby.
Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like a lost cause and a loser.
I know what this place is like so not expecting everyone to be helpful but I’ve seen good advice on serious topics before.
Thank you.
A couple weeks ago my partner gave birth to our baby boy. The first day I was fine but after our first night at home I felt extremely anxious to the point I was trembling.
This has continued for days to the point I’ve had to go to the doctors. They gave me sertaline and diazepam but the diazepam helps for an hour or two then I’m the same.
Sertaline will take weeks to work but I’m struggling to function now, today.
I don’t want to harm myself or the baby but I feel low and don’t know how to get over what I’m feeling. I always wanted kids so it’s not that I don’t want my baby.
Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like a lost cause and a loser.
I know what this place is like so not expecting everyone to be helpful but I’ve seen good advice on serious topics before.
Thank you.
It’s hard being a new parent, sometimes horrific
What you are feeling is understandable- for many including myself I fully relate
It will get easier as time goes on.
Lack of sleep and routine really mess you up
Try and get out the house,even if it’s for a quick walk to the shops
Tell your partner you are proud of them, they are doing a great job
Don’t feel shy to ask friends to help where possible, even if it’s them doing some cleaning,m washing , running errands.
Well done for sticking with it, please shout if you need anything
What you are feeling is understandable- for many including myself I fully relate
It will get easier as time goes on.
Lack of sleep and routine really mess you up
Try and get out the house,even if it’s for a quick walk to the shops
Tell your partner you are proud of them, they are doing a great job
Don’t feel shy to ask friends to help where possible, even if it’s them doing some cleaning,m washing , running errands.
Well done for sticking with it, please shout if you need anything
Difficult times need increased resilience, that in my experience is built up by the following:
Not really linked to resilience, but an important one that us men don't do well is...
- Eating properly. A healthy, balanced diet gives you a decent foundation to build on. If you're struggling for time, possibly worth short term getting something like Berocca, which will top you up and also hydrate you. Which leads us on to...
- Drink enough water or non-alcoholic fluids. Stay hydrated. Makes a big difference and also helps with...
- Exercise. I can't stress enough how massive a role exercise plays in how you feel. As I understand it, there's a push to replace many antidepressant prescriptions with prescribed exercise. It's one of those that you never want to start, especially when you feel s
t, but if you can get out for a jog or a brisk walk regularly, it'll improve your mental well-being massively.
- Sleep. This is obviously the hardest with a new baby, but if you can get a nap in at all regularly to top up from the broken nights, it can make a huge difference.
Not really linked to resilience, but an important one that us men don't do well is...
- Talking. Obviously you have made a start, but a forum isn't the same as a conversation. Do you have a mate or family member you can open up to and share what's on your mind?
Well done for posting. It can be lonely in those first few months.
I really struggled with our first and found it quite horrible so you are not the only one.
For me, there was the tactical day to day struggle with the baby combined with the going to work each day etc. For me in the first year or so, I pretty much dreaded coming home from work as the wife wanted to hand over the responsibility to me - I hated the thought of being left with the baby for a few hours on the weekend. This only actually got better for me at about 2 years old / when the second came along.
And there was the more strategic bit of it having completely changed your life (and seemingly not in a good way). You can feel guilty for wanting to pop to the pub to see a mate or doing whatever you used to do pre kids. For all that you don’t want it to change your life, it will.
In our case, I tried to get over it the strategic bit by doing stuff with a baby in tow. We took it on 3 holidays in the first year including driving round New York, Boston etc at 2 months old and then sailing round Greece at 4 months old. I’d advise anyone to do more holidays in year 1 for this reason.
This doing stuff definitely helped with “getting over” the change to your life but really I describe it as a period of mourning for the life you used to have which did come as a bit of a shock.
The other bit for me that I found hard is that you always meet people who say things like “once I held it in my arms? I’d never felt love like it” etc - in my case this was utter rubbish - it took maybe 2 years for me to actually get comfortable with the whole parenthood thing.
The good news is that it gets way way better. Once they get past the baby stage, it’s brilliant, once they get past the toddler stage, it’s brilliant, and so far school age has also been brilliant and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I really struggled with our first and found it quite horrible so you are not the only one.
For me, there was the tactical day to day struggle with the baby combined with the going to work each day etc. For me in the first year or so, I pretty much dreaded coming home from work as the wife wanted to hand over the responsibility to me - I hated the thought of being left with the baby for a few hours on the weekend. This only actually got better for me at about 2 years old / when the second came along.
And there was the more strategic bit of it having completely changed your life (and seemingly not in a good way). You can feel guilty for wanting to pop to the pub to see a mate or doing whatever you used to do pre kids. For all that you don’t want it to change your life, it will.
In our case, I tried to get over it the strategic bit by doing stuff with a baby in tow. We took it on 3 holidays in the first year including driving round New York, Boston etc at 2 months old and then sailing round Greece at 4 months old. I’d advise anyone to do more holidays in year 1 for this reason.
This doing stuff definitely helped with “getting over” the change to your life but really I describe it as a period of mourning for the life you used to have which did come as a bit of a shock.
The other bit for me that I found hard is that you always meet people who say things like “once I held it in my arms? I’d never felt love like it” etc - in my case this was utter rubbish - it took maybe 2 years for me to actually get comfortable with the whole parenthood thing.
The good news is that it gets way way better. Once they get past the baby stage, it’s brilliant, once they get past the toddler stage, it’s brilliant, and so far school age has also been brilliant and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Having a new baby is hard, hard work. Really hard. Not only is it a difficult time even for an experienced parent, but right you don't really know what you're doing, the little one probably just seems to cry all the time, and nothing you do seems to make it any better. What you are feeling right now is common for fathers as well as mothers, although mothers get to call is 'post natal depression'. Some babies are harder work than others, too, and that's not their fault or yours - it's just the way it is. Our first was hard work, but compared to the second, she was an angel. A week or two after the second one was born, I just collapsed onto the sofa and cried like a baby myself from the sheer effort and exhaustion of looking after the two of them.
Don't be hard on yourself, it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed. The awful lack of sleep is the main culprit here. It does get easier, believe me (and I know that right now you won't), but before you know it you'll look back on these days and it will seem like a distant bad dream. Right now, you just have to plod on, and if you feel like you're going through the motions of parenting, that's fine too. No-one's life with a new baby is instagrammable all day. When the first smiles start to come, and the cries start to become babbling, your mood will lift dramatically.
Don't be hard on yourself, it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed. The awful lack of sleep is the main culprit here. It does get easier, believe me (and I know that right now you won't), but before you know it you'll look back on these days and it will seem like a distant bad dream. Right now, you just have to plod on, and if you feel like you're going through the motions of parenting, that's fine too. No-one's life with a new baby is instagrammable all day. When the first smiles start to come, and the cries start to become babbling, your mood will lift dramatically.
We all feel a bit like that at first OP our son was born early at 3lb10oz SO small! When they let us out I couldn’t quite believe we had been trusted to look after him after months in an incubator. Didn’t sleep a wink for the first few weeks I remember prodding him in the middle of the night just to reassure myself he was still alive.
You will get there stick with it try and do a little bit more with him each day.
You will get there stick with it try and do a little bit more with him each day.
Well done for posting this, it will help lots of people to know they aren’t alone.
Having your first child turns your world upside down. It’s probably the most stressful life event I have ever encountered. Literally overnight, it takes away your sleep, changes your relationship with your significant other, gives you more responsibility for another human than you have ever had, requires the steepest learning curve imaginable, all while well meaning friends and family look on, providing “gems” of advice, while you wish they would fk off and mind their own business 
Having said all this, here is the upside…
Kids are way more resilient than you think. They would probably survive just fine, with the smallest of input. As long as they are fed, rested and clean, everything else tends to take care of itself. While it might not get easier for a while, if you accept you can only do your best, you WILL get used to the new routine. Sleep whenever you can, even if it’s for 20 mins while the baby sleeps.
I think it can be surprising, when everyone, including the classes you attend beforehand, paint a picture of an incredible experience, to be cherished and enjoyed, when in actual fact, the first few months can be an absolute nightmare. If most new parents were absolutely honest, they probably feel overwhelmed and exhausted, at least for the first few months.
Lastly, most parents end up having another child, after the first, which probably gives an indication of how things move on, and how quickly we forget
Good luck, and all the best.
Having your first child turns your world upside down. It’s probably the most stressful life event I have ever encountered. Literally overnight, it takes away your sleep, changes your relationship with your significant other, gives you more responsibility for another human than you have ever had, requires the steepest learning curve imaginable, all while well meaning friends and family look on, providing “gems” of advice, while you wish they would f
k off and mind their own business Having said all this, here is the upside…
Kids are way more resilient than you think. They would probably survive just fine, with the smallest of input. As long as they are fed, rested and clean, everything else tends to take care of itself. While it might not get easier for a while, if you accept you can only do your best, you WILL get used to the new routine. Sleep whenever you can, even if it’s for 20 mins while the baby sleeps.
I think it can be surprising, when everyone, including the classes you attend beforehand, paint a picture of an incredible experience, to be cherished and enjoyed, when in actual fact, the first few months can be an absolute nightmare. If most new parents were absolutely honest, they probably feel overwhelmed and exhausted, at least for the first few months.
Lastly, most parents end up having another child, after the first, which probably gives an indication of how things move on, and how quickly we forget
Good luck, and all the best.
It's a big change to go through. I think when you have your first kid you sort of got through a period of grief. The old life is gone the full focus of everyone is on the Mrs and of course the baby and we're just a kind of like a semi useless figure shuffling about fetching towels and cups of tea. I couldn't wait to go back to work.
The other thing nobody tells you is that babies are pretty annoying and very rude waking up at all hours and generally making life insufferable. This will carry on until they are about one year old then they start being interesting.
What I'm trying to say is that despite what other new parents and especially new parents on social media will try desperately to get you to believe it's not all deep joy all the time with kids in fact it's about 2% deep joy and 98% graft with babies. The result of all this front people put on when it comes to babies is that parents can be having these feelings that they feel bad about but OP please don't despair there's nothing wrong with you these feelings are perfectly normal.
The bond with your kids will come don't be disheartened that you aren't jumping for joy right now here in the real world it's just not that straight forward.
Dad of 3 here two of which just to piss me off were twins who are now 9 and my whole world.
The other thing nobody tells you is that babies are pretty annoying and very rude waking up at all hours and generally making life insufferable. This will carry on until they are about one year old then they start being interesting.
What I'm trying to say is that despite what other new parents and especially new parents on social media will try desperately to get you to believe it's not all deep joy all the time with kids in fact it's about 2% deep joy and 98% graft with babies. The result of all this front people put on when it comes to babies is that parents can be having these feelings that they feel bad about but OP please don't despair there's nothing wrong with you these feelings are perfectly normal.
The bond with your kids will come don't be disheartened that you aren't jumping for joy right now here in the real world it's just not that straight forward.
Dad of 3 here two of which just to piss me off were twins who are now 9 and my whole world.
fridaypassion said:
PS try and throw the meds away and don't underestimate the power of sleep at this time. No shame in sneaking off your mum's for a nap as I did back in the day!
I’m sure you mean well, but that’s terrible advice (other than the sleep bit)!OP, there is no shame at all in using meds to help balance you out. Give the Sertraline the time that needs and then make an informed decision on your medication with the advice of your doctor.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. I had similar issues when we had our second/third (twins). The fact that you’ve recognised it and are acting for the good of you and your baby tells me you’ll be a great Dad - you just have your own journey getting there.
Is you partner aware of all this?
I said "try" and throw away the meds. If theres no existing history of MH issues its a pretty poor show from the docs just to throw medication at the issue. SSRI's are horrible drugs that should a last rather than first resort. The useful stuff on the NHS like counselling unfortunately have wait times that are too long to be of any use.
fridaypassion said:
PS try and throw the meds away and don't underestimate the power of sleep at this time. No shame in sneaking off your mum's for a nap as I did back in the day!
Alternatively, discuss the medication with a professional medical practitioner. Advice on medication from a stranger on the internet is irrelevant at best, and dangerous at worst. The sleep part couldn’t be more accurate though.
Edited by andyeds1234 on Saturday 18th November 19:37
I concur with all the above - arrival of new baby is a catastrophic event.
It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed. Those folk on social media sat smiling with their newborn saying how it’s the best time of their lives are talking sh!t.
A lot of the issues are down to lack of sleep IME, the lack of it is cumulative and really affects you.
It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed. Those folk on social media sat smiling with their newborn saying how it’s the best time of their lives are talking sh!t.
A lot of the issues are down to lack of sleep IME, the lack of it is cumulative and really affects you.
A child is a lifetime responsibility that's full of up's and down's
It's a daunting responsibility and will change everything in life as you know it from this point forwards.
Just take each day at a time, and for now, focus on caring for your wife, helping her cope and accepting she'll be feeling the same or similar.
Talk to her and just do what comes naturally. It'll work out in its own way as there's no blueprint that works for all.
It's a daunting responsibility and will change everything in life as you know it from this point forwards.
Just take each day at a time, and for now, focus on caring for your wife, helping her cope and accepting she'll be feeling the same or similar.
Talk to her and just do what comes naturally. It'll work out in its own way as there's no blueprint that works for all.
Men get postnatal depression as well as women - it’s not talked about hugely but there are changes to testosterone (I guess to stop you immediately running off to father more children with other cavewomen, before your partner is through the early stages).
I got it very badly this time round (second child - first was fine). It does get easier and talking about it helped a lot.
I got it very badly this time round (second child - first was fine). It does get easier and talking about it helped a lot.
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