I am depressed. I know why, but I can't fix it
Discussion
Hi I’ve been a longtime lurker & a lifelong car fan but I’ve noticed I’ve been quite active in the Pie & Piston forum recently.
Thinking about this, I guess I’ve been comparing my life with other men in similar situations, seeing how my mid-life crisis compares to others. Maybe it's all been leading up to this post...
On the surface- life looks pretty good. Late 40s, healthy, married to an attractive wife, 2 teenage kids, earn a high income in a relatively stress free job. Not absolutely loaded but no debts or money worries. Able to save up to £5k a month recently. Have a couple of fulfilling hobbies and a general personal direction in life.
I suffer from a reasonable amount of social anxiety, think I’m depressed but generally seem quite popular, no shortage of friends, but I often suffer from imposter syndrome as it seems to be called. Overall though I think I’m pretty mentally stable and have avoided asking for antidepressants purely because I know for certain what is depressing me!
My wife.
It really is 100% related to my wife. I physically fancy her and most people think she’s lovely (objectively she is) but although we have grown together and share many fundamental values, we are very different people behaviourally.
Behind closed doors she’s constantly argumentative, aggressive and shouts at me daily for trivial things. She comes from a very argumentative family, whereas my family almost never argued. She’s outwardly kind and will do anything for me except show any kind of love, affection. This has been the case since the start of our relationship 25 years ago.
We saw relate in lockdown. We didn’t really get anywhere- my wife said the counsellor was useless and wouldn’t do the exercises. In fact she will literally never sit down and spend any time with me unless there is an external distraction such as dinner, a film. theatre etc.
Her behaviour toward some has largely been consistent from the early days of our relationship although more recently she is on medication for depression & menopause and is currently being tested for ADHD which would explain a lot.
Of course we all think this at times, but I know could be happier in another relationship and desperately want to feel loved and in love. I’ve worked out I could probably afford to move out, but she controls our daily life and our teenaged kids attitudes towards me. I love our kids more than anything and I feel it is so wrong that it is me that would have to leave. One will be going to Uni next year but the other is 14. I’ve been a very good, supportive and attentive Dad although the argumentativeness has spread to them. I know that some of this is just typical teenager behaviour, but I know that some of this is due to my wife. The thought of losing them would end me. Even the thought of living on my own without having my a family around me is terrifying and I worry I would spiral into serious depression and lose everything I've worked for.
What do I do? (apologies for the long rambling post- I wasn’t going to post this, but I thought I’d give it a try). Feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Thinking about this, I guess I’ve been comparing my life with other men in similar situations, seeing how my mid-life crisis compares to others. Maybe it's all been leading up to this post...
On the surface- life looks pretty good. Late 40s, healthy, married to an attractive wife, 2 teenage kids, earn a high income in a relatively stress free job. Not absolutely loaded but no debts or money worries. Able to save up to £5k a month recently. Have a couple of fulfilling hobbies and a general personal direction in life.
I suffer from a reasonable amount of social anxiety, think I’m depressed but generally seem quite popular, no shortage of friends, but I often suffer from imposter syndrome as it seems to be called. Overall though I think I’m pretty mentally stable and have avoided asking for antidepressants purely because I know for certain what is depressing me!
My wife.
It really is 100% related to my wife. I physically fancy her and most people think she’s lovely (objectively she is) but although we have grown together and share many fundamental values, we are very different people behaviourally.
Behind closed doors she’s constantly argumentative, aggressive and shouts at me daily for trivial things. She comes from a very argumentative family, whereas my family almost never argued. She’s outwardly kind and will do anything for me except show any kind of love, affection. This has been the case since the start of our relationship 25 years ago.
We saw relate in lockdown. We didn’t really get anywhere- my wife said the counsellor was useless and wouldn’t do the exercises. In fact she will literally never sit down and spend any time with me unless there is an external distraction such as dinner, a film. theatre etc.
Her behaviour toward some has largely been consistent from the early days of our relationship although more recently she is on medication for depression & menopause and is currently being tested for ADHD which would explain a lot.
Of course we all think this at times, but I know could be happier in another relationship and desperately want to feel loved and in love. I’ve worked out I could probably afford to move out, but she controls our daily life and our teenaged kids attitudes towards me. I love our kids more than anything and I feel it is so wrong that it is me that would have to leave. One will be going to Uni next year but the other is 14. I’ve been a very good, supportive and attentive Dad although the argumentativeness has spread to them. I know that some of this is just typical teenager behaviour, but I know that some of this is due to my wife. The thought of losing them would end me. Even the thought of living on my own without having my a family around me is terrifying and I worry I would spiral into serious depression and lose everything I've worked for.
What do I do? (apologies for the long rambling post- I wasn’t going to post this, but I thought I’d give it a try). Feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Edited by bongo96 on Sunday 22 October 12:21
Edited by bongo96 on Sunday 22 October 12:22
Bongo, I would think that wasn’t easy for you to post. Sharing with other people how you feel can be difficult, so you have my respect for starting this thread.
I know PHers can be an argumentative and difficult bunch but they can also be extremely caring and helpful. I hope you get some good advice.
I know PHers can be an argumentative and difficult bunch but they can also be extremely caring and helpful. I hope you get some good advice.
Perhaps if you split this down into two:
You mention the menopause, has she always been like this?
And the other point you make re argumentative, is she? Or are you unable to engage in what might be referred to as healthy discussion? I say this because my partner cannot face any form of combat, she actively avoids it at all costs. When you live with this it becomes unbearable, I think psychologists call it stonewalling, and I get it daily. If we need to talk about something I get ignored and then if I say anything that could mildly be construed as rude she just removes herself from the discussion.
They say never go to bed on an argument. I don’t think we have ever resolved one… then in the morning it’s back to normal.
After a while it does cause huge damage.
You mention the menopause, has she always been like this?
And the other point you make re argumentative, is she? Or are you unable to engage in what might be referred to as healthy discussion? I say this because my partner cannot face any form of combat, she actively avoids it at all costs. When you live with this it becomes unbearable, I think psychologists call it stonewalling, and I get it daily. If we need to talk about something I get ignored and then if I say anything that could mildly be construed as rude she just removes herself from the discussion.
They say never go to bed on an argument. I don’t think we have ever resolved one… then in the morning it’s back to normal.
After a while it does cause huge damage.
Scrump said:
Bongo, I would think that wasn’t easy for you to post. Sharing with other people how you feel can be difficult, so you have my respect for starting this thread.
I know PHers can be an argumentative and difficult bunch but they can also be extremely caring and helpful. I hope you get some good advice.
Thank you Scrump. I guess I've been on here a lot recently to test the water & see what people really think about such stuff as I know people are more able to voice their true feelings anonymously. I know PHers can be an argumentative and difficult bunch but they can also be extremely caring and helpful. I hope you get some good advice.
Sure there are a few old school keyboard warriors, but I have been impressed the generally helpful tone that you mention. It seems a different place than it was in 2006, but probably just a reflection of a more progressive society. Having said all that- it I clearly need to get a f
king grip, then I would want someone to tell me that. This section of PH is a friendly, supportive group (mostly! 
).
I was going to ask about whether your wife was depressed or dealing with menopause. I would see how that plays out because it any treatment she takes on may change things. I've experienced similar to you and you can only change how you respond to things (which may still mean leaving) - but it means you're feeling better about everything if you can process things in a different way.
As for being happy in another relationship, well, there are no guarantees and you may well end up posting similar in a few years' time (unless you go for someone in her early 20s and bail before perimenopause kicks in - tongue in cheek, obvs).
I would do some research into perimenopause. I know some of her behaviour is from her family and you'll have to put up with it, but perhaps it's got worse.
Also, is she generally negative about everything? Does she drink booze? Do you drink booze? Alcohol can make depression and anxiety worse for all concerned.
One final thing to consider - that you're posting this suggests that you deep down want to stay so keep fighting on. If you love her and she loves you, then it's worth it.
).I was going to ask about whether your wife was depressed or dealing with menopause. I would see how that plays out because it any treatment she takes on may change things. I've experienced similar to you and you can only change how you respond to things (which may still mean leaving) - but it means you're feeling better about everything if you can process things in a different way.
As for being happy in another relationship, well, there are no guarantees and you may well end up posting similar in a few years' time (unless you go for someone in her early 20s and bail before perimenopause kicks in - tongue in cheek, obvs).
I would do some research into perimenopause. I know some of her behaviour is from her family and you'll have to put up with it, but perhaps it's got worse.
Also, is she generally negative about everything? Does she drink booze? Do you drink booze? Alcohol can make depression and anxiety worse for all concerned.
One final thing to consider - that you're posting this suggests that you deep down want to stay so keep fighting on. If you love her and she loves you, then it's worth it.
dave123456 said:
Perhaps if you split this down into two:
You mention the menopause, has she always been like this?
And the other point you make re argumentative, is she? Or are you unable to engage in what might be referred to as healthy discussion? I say this because my partner cannot face any form of combat, she actively avoids it at all costs. When you live with this it becomes unbearable, I think psychologists call it stonewalling, and I get it daily. If we need to talk about something I get ignored and then if I say anything that could mildly be construed as rude she just removes herself from the discussion.
They say never go to bed on an argument. I don’t think we have ever resolved one… then in the morning it’s back to normal.
After a while it does cause huge damage.
It's always been like this, I think her depression / menopause / medication has added another 20% You mention the menopause, has she always been like this?
And the other point you make re argumentative, is she? Or are you unable to engage in what might be referred to as healthy discussion? I say this because my partner cannot face any form of combat, she actively avoids it at all costs. When you live with this it becomes unbearable, I think psychologists call it stonewalling, and I get it daily. If we need to talk about something I get ignored and then if I say anything that could mildly be construed as rude she just removes herself from the discussion.
They say never go to bed on an argument. I don’t think we have ever resolved one… then in the morning it’s back to normal.
After a while it does cause huge damage.
I'm usually the one to walk away because of the sheer anger I see in her. I have stonewalled her a number of times as it's the only defence I feel I have. There is no reasoning with her when she is like this. I do try to talk to her when things are calm but she immediately starts shouting again. We too have never really resolved an argument. After a day or so she smiles at me and says something nice and I'm putty in her hands again.
While typing this (in the bedroom) for the past hour she's barged in twice, scowled at me on my laptop, asked me what I'm going to cook for dinner. The second time she cam in she asked me to leave the room so she can get changed. I refused and now she is clattering around agressively, huffing a lot and playing loud music.It really is a constant battle, but I just can't imagine living apart from my kids.
Sounds like you don't like her. If you really don't, the counselling route will be something you will cringe about later when you are free from the ball & chain she controls.
Too many men stay because of kids and financial ties. These men will often look it and become nasty jaded individuals later in life - I think you know what I mean here.
I'd move on. You don't need to worry about your teenage kids. They are teenagers yeah? They will already know what's up and if they are daft enough to believe only their mother's side of things, then so be it. They will come around when they need some of your money... or is it love. Do you have daughters? I stil wouldn't worry too much.
Don't be a useless provider. You will just end up happy. Only the bravest of men will pursue their own lives. Most have already been relegated to ATM duties.
You need to know that I have always dumped problem women and have never looked back, so my advice is to not put up with being stuck with someone you don't like for the rest of your life and sooner is better than later.
Too many men stay because of kids and financial ties. These men will often look it and become nasty jaded individuals later in life - I think you know what I mean here.
I'd move on. You don't need to worry about your teenage kids. They are teenagers yeah? They will already know what's up and if they are daft enough to believe only their mother's side of things, then so be it. They will come around when they need some of your money... or is it love. Do you have daughters? I stil wouldn't worry too much.
Don't be a useless provider. You will just end up happy. Only the bravest of men will pursue their own lives. Most have already been relegated to ATM duties.
You need to know that I have always dumped problem women and have never looked back, so my advice is to not put up with being stuck with someone you don't like for the rest of your life and sooner is better than later.
PositronicRay said:
I've not been in that situation.
But I think I'd 1st try a councellor, you need your head straight before embarking on anything.
I saw a counsellor in lockdown due to my anxiety. After about 8 sessions she concluded that I was well enough not to need further help. But I think I'd 1st try a councellor, you need your head straight before embarking on anything.
So then, knowing what the real issue was, I suggested relate. Again we had about 8 sessions but my wife wasn't really into the exercises. In retrospect I do think this was ADHD/ her own depression rather than a lack of love for me.
Hoofy said:
This section of PH is a friendly, supportive group (mostly! ).
I was going to ask about whether your wife was depressed or dealing with menopause. I would see how that plays out because it any treatment she takes on may change things. I've experienced similar to you and you can only change how you respond to things (which may still mean leaving) - but it means you're feeling better about everything if you can process things in a different way.
As for being happy in another relationship, well, there are no guarantees and you may well end up posting similar in a few years' time (unless you go for someone in her early 20s and bail before perimenopause kicks in - tongue in cheek, obvs).
I would do some research into perimenopause. I know some of her behaviour is from her family and you'll have to put up with it, but perhaps it's got worse.
Also, is she generally negative about everything? Does she drink booze? Do you drink booze? Alcohol can make depression and anxiety worse for all concerned.
One final thing to consider - that you're posting this suggests that you deep down want to stay so keep fighting on. If you love her and she loves you, then it's worth it.
It does 100% run in her family. She normalises and says my family are weird for never arguing- which is partly true! I had a happy upbringing though. She didn't. ).I was going to ask about whether your wife was depressed or dealing with menopause. I would see how that plays out because it any treatment she takes on may change things. I've experienced similar to you and you can only change how you respond to things (which may still mean leaving) - but it means you're feeling better about everything if you can process things in a different way.
As for being happy in another relationship, well, there are no guarantees and you may well end up posting similar in a few years' time (unless you go for someone in her early 20s and bail before perimenopause kicks in - tongue in cheek, obvs).
I would do some research into perimenopause. I know some of her behaviour is from her family and you'll have to put up with it, but perhaps it's got worse.
Also, is she generally negative about everything? Does she drink booze? Do you drink booze? Alcohol can make depression and anxiety worse for all concerned.
One final thing to consider - that you're posting this suggests that you deep down want to stay so keep fighting on. If you love her and she loves you, then it's worth it.
She's not super motivated as a person, but her friends and family would say she presents very positively. I don't think she's an alcoholic. She does drink maybe a little more than her friends. At social gatherings she likes to get pretty drunk, slightly out of control, but everyone thinks she's the life and soul. I think she medicates herself with food to an extent. She's obsessed with food and cooking and although we both eat good food and eat healthily, she constantly struggles with her weight. This isn't an issue for me- I do find her physically attractive.
Re: your final note I do appreciate it and it's what I've felt all along. However I've been feeling this for 20+ years, always thinking things will improve. If I stay, I guarantee I will be here in 20 years, feeling the same, wondering what could have been.
My current least worst "plan" is to wait until the youngest leaves for university in 4 years. But that's 4 more years of being disingenuous to the kids who are both well aware of our arguing. As I said this has gone on for generations in my wife's family and I would like to do what I can to set an example for my kids' future relationships
It shouldn’t be a massive and priority consideration but what are your relative financial situations like? Have you contributed equally? Do you feel you have invested more and that is clouding your judgement?
It’s understandable you want to put your children first but if today is a stereotypical day, it doesn’t sound particularly good.
It’s understandable you want to put your children first but if today is a stereotypical day, it doesn’t sound particularly good.
I can't imagine spending another 40 years in a relationship like that.
Maybe you could draw up a plan just for yourself setting out a path to moving on over the next 6-12 months. You could use this time to work on yourself (I'd suggest with a counsellor), think through your financial/housing options, start to think about strengthening support networks.
Commit to doing something each day for 10 minutes that moves your plan forward.
I suspect that the next 12 months might be pretty st, but once you've been through them you'll be glad you did it.
ETA: you won't be the first couple to split up when you've got kids, and you won't be the last. 40% of couples get divorced. It's not fun, but they survive.
Also: be choosy about your next counsellor if you do go down that route. It's like buying a car or a house: keep looking until you find the right one for you.
Maybe you could draw up a plan just for yourself setting out a path to moving on over the next 6-12 months. You could use this time to work on yourself (I'd suggest with a counsellor), think through your financial/housing options, start to think about strengthening support networks.
Commit to doing something each day for 10 minutes that moves your plan forward.
I suspect that the next 12 months might be pretty s
t, but once you've been through them you'll be glad you did it.ETA: you won't be the first couple to split up when you've got kids, and you won't be the last. 40% of couples get divorced. It's not fun, but they survive.
Also: be choosy about your next counsellor if you do go down that route. It's like buying a car or a house: keep looking until you find the right one for you.
Edited by Slowboathome on Sunday 22 October 13:17
GilletteFan said:
Sounds like you don't like her. If you really don't, the counselling route will be something you will cringe about later when you are free from the ball & chain she controls.
Too many men stay because of kids and financial ties. These men will often look it and become nasty jaded individuals later in life - I think you know what I mean here.
I'd move on. You don't need to worry about your teenage kids. They are teenagers yeah? They will already know what's up and if they are daft enough to believe only their mother's side of things, then so be it. They will come around when they need some of your money... or is it love. Do you have daughters? I stil wouldn't worry too much.
Don't be a useless provider. You will just end up happy. Only the bravest of men will pursue their own lives. Most have already been relegated to ATM duties.
You need to know that I have always dumped problem women and have never looked back, so my advice is to not put up with being stuck with someone you don't like for the rest of your life and sooner is better than later.
I don't like her 80% of the time due to her behaviour. I really like her 20% of the time, although I'm not sure exactly why. Although it might seem contradictory, I respect her 100% of the time as she does seem like a good person to many people and outwardly she is a kind, caring, all round great person. I am convinced that if I leave her- most of our friends and family will think it's a "me" issue.Too many men stay because of kids and financial ties. These men will often look it and become nasty jaded individuals later in life - I think you know what I mean here.
I'd move on. You don't need to worry about your teenage kids. They are teenagers yeah? They will already know what's up and if they are daft enough to believe only their mother's side of things, then so be it. They will come around when they need some of your money... or is it love. Do you have daughters? I stil wouldn't worry too much.
Don't be a useless provider. You will just end up happy. Only the bravest of men will pursue their own lives. Most have already been relegated to ATM duties.
You need to know that I have always dumped problem women and have never looked back, so my advice is to not put up with being stuck with someone you don't like for the rest of your life and sooner is better than later.
Agree with pretty much all of this.
Yep- I'm at risk of becoming nasty and jaded- I've seen it happen. I think it explains where grumpy old men come from.
I have dumped problem girlfriends in the past pretty quickly no issues there. With my wife she never really seemed to have any problems- she just made me see all my problems. Gaslighting maybe, but if so- she's either really good or it's by accident. I genuinely believe she is not a nasty person.
We have a Daughter and a son (17/14). I didn't leave earlier because I couldn't bear the idea of another man living with them. Now they are heading towards independence, that's no longer a worry. I still can't imagine enduring xmas time, their milestone birthdays and weddings etc as a divorcee. I imagine they are some of the low points?
I don't want to be an ATM Dad, or even a pity case. I have always been and always want to be an active parent. Our relationship will change over the years, but I want the kids to always know I am there.
dave123456 said:
It shouldn’t be a massive and priority consideration but what are your relative financial situations like? Have you contributed equally? Do you feel you have invested more and that is clouding your judgement?
It’s understandable you want to put your children first but if today is a stereotypical day, it doesn’t sound particularly good.
I earn about £175k and she was on £20k part time until recently. She's just gone back to full time work this year. Earning about £40k. Despite all this it will still be a struggle for me to keep paying for this house and get myself a place in the same area. House is worth ~£750k approx with ~£250k mortgage. I'd need to borrow another £300k to get somewhere I think. I haven't spoken to a mortgage adviser about affordability and dread to think what all the other household bills will come to. It’s understandable you want to put your children first but if today is a stereotypical day, it doesn’t sound particularly good.
I've always paid for everything. All the bills, Holidays, cars, etc. I've spoiled her at big birthdays, but she's not a particularly material person & never really seemed to appreciate anything. Not ungrateful, just emotionless. It's genuinely never been a sore point for me though.
I would have loved her to earn more and really push her career for her own well being, but I've barely mentioned it and it's not been a constant theme. I've always been generous to a fault- even when we met and I had no money.
Every day is like this. For the past couple of years I've myself heading off to bed at 9:30pm before her or the kids as I can't stand being in the same room. I was shouted at 3 times yesterday- all the while while asking her to stop. Then this morning she brought me a cup of tea and started talking about an upcoming holiday.
bongo96 said:
dave123456 said:
It shouldn’t be a massive and priority consideration but what are your relative financial situations like? Have you contributed equally? Do you feel you have invested more and that is clouding your judgement?
It’s understandable you want to put your children first but if today is a stereotypical day, it doesn’t sound particularly good.
I earn about £175k and she was on £20k part time until recently. She's just gone back to full time work this year. Earning about £40k. Despite all this it will still be a struggle for me to keep paying for this house and get myself a place in the same area. House is worth ~£750k approx with ~£250k mortgage. I'd need to borrow another £300k to get somewhere I think. I haven't spoken to a mortgage adviser about affordability and dread to think what all the other household bills will come to. It’s understandable you want to put your children first but if today is a stereotypical day, it doesn’t sound particularly good.
I've always paid for everything. All the bills, Holidays, cars, etc. I've spoiled her at big birthdays, but she's not a particularly material person & never really seemed to appreciate anything. Not ungrateful, just emotionless. It's genuinely never been a sore point for me though.
I would have loved her to earn more and really push her career for her own well being, but I've barely mentioned it and it's not been a constant theme. I've always been generous to a fault- even when we met and I had no money.
Every day is like this. For the past couple of years I've myself heading off to bed at 9:30pm before her or the kids as I can't stand being in the same room. I was shouted at 3 times yesterday- all the while while asking her to stop. Then this morning she brought me a cup of tea and started talking about an upcoming holiday.
The suggestion of a med term plan to move on, whilst seeing a counsellor and finding some outlets of your own, sounds very sensible.
bongo96 said:
I don't like her 80% of the time due to her behaviour. I really like her 20% of the time, although I'm not sure exactly why. Although it might seem contradictory, I respect her 100% of the time as she does seem like a good person to many people and outwardly she is a kind, caring, all round great person. I am convinced that if I leave her- most of our friends and family will think it's a "me" issue.
Agree with pretty much all of this.
Yep- I'm at risk of becoming nasty and jaded- I've seen it happen. I think it explains where grumpy old men come from.
I have dumped problem girlfriends in the past pretty quickly no issues there. With my wife she never really seemed to have any problems- she just made me see all my problems. Gaslighting maybe, but if so- she's either really good or it's by accident. I genuinely believe she is not a nasty person.
We have a Daughter and a son (17/14). I didn't leave earlier because I couldn't bear the idea of another man living with them. Now they are heading towards independence, that's no longer a worry. I still can't imagine enduring xmas time, their milestone birthdays and weddings etc as a divorcee. I imagine they are some of the low points?
I don't want to be an ATM Dad, or even a pity case. I have always been and always want to be an active parent. Our relationship will change over the years, but I want the kids to always know I am there.
I think you need to remove the emotions you attach to having spent many years with this woman. She sounds rather unpleasant and very very cold. I have met women like this before and they, to put it frankly, scare me. Mental illness does not mean you need to take it all. And it also doesn't mean she is your problem. Agree with pretty much all of this.
Yep- I'm at risk of becoming nasty and jaded- I've seen it happen. I think it explains where grumpy old men come from.
I have dumped problem girlfriends in the past pretty quickly no issues there. With my wife she never really seemed to have any problems- she just made me see all my problems. Gaslighting maybe, but if so- she's either really good or it's by accident. I genuinely believe she is not a nasty person.
We have a Daughter and a son (17/14). I didn't leave earlier because I couldn't bear the idea of another man living with them. Now they are heading towards independence, that's no longer a worry. I still can't imagine enduring xmas time, their milestone birthdays and weddings etc as a divorcee. I imagine they are some of the low points?
I don't want to be an ATM Dad, or even a pity case. I have always been and always want to be an active parent. Our relationship will change over the years, but I want the kids to always know I am there.
I commend you for enduring for so long. It may be time to really focus on being an active parent. One that your kids can respect, love and look to as a role model. The behaviours of your wife are both genetic and nurtured. Please focus on the nurturing side as your kids need someone who is not cold as steel.
There are so many fine women out there to have fun with. There's also plenty of things to do in life with your time. And more importantly, a lot of self fulfilling things you can do once you shake the burden that's been weighing you down for years.
My view is you need to sprint as fast as you can and than hold a 5KM pace until you are out of ear shot. Only then will you find the strength to actually move on and achieve things that you want without the burden. You certainly deserve to be your best self rather than some grumpy old man in the making.
OP, I don't think you are depressed. It sounds more like you have realized that you are trapped in an abusive relationship.
It also sounds like divorce is going to be expensive as well as painful. You have my sympathy.
You could try more relationship counselling, but I suspect you should expect and plan for the worst.
It also sounds like divorce is going to be expensive as well as painful. You have my sympathy.
You could try more relationship counselling, but I suspect you should expect and plan for the worst.
bongo96 said:
Behind closed doors she’s constantly argumentative, aggressive and shouts at me daily for trivial things.
She comes from a very argumentative family, whereas my family almost never argued. She’s outwardly kind and will do anything for me except show any kind of love, affection. This has been the case since the start of our relationship 25 years ago.
Well that's simply no good, although I find it very difficult to believe that anyone would marry a person that has never shown them any love or affection, is that really the case? If so what was your motivation to marry her. She comes from a very argumentative family, whereas my family almost never argued. She’s outwardly kind and will do anything for me except show any kind of love, affection. This has been the case since the start of our relationship 25 years ago.
If we look at the first statement, that's abuse and no way should anyone be subjected to that coupled with zero affection no wonder you're feeling blue about things, but again I can't square up the daily aggressive behaviour vs being kind and will do anything for you, those are diametrically opposed actions.
simplistically you don't like her 80% of the time, say she was 80% as bad even before the menopause and you get shouted at and gaslighted several times a day.
You go to bed early to avoid her.
Your staying for the kids and to avoid the financial pain.
Nothing will change. You need an exit plan
You go to bed early to avoid her.
Your staying for the kids and to avoid the financial pain.
Nothing will change. You need an exit plan
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