Getting through Mid life crises

[Babber101]

I am early 40s white male with wife and kids

Well paid mid level job in blue chip plc

I think I would classify my job as a bull&£it job - only exists in a large company and of only real value to that company

Feel like I’ve really hit a mid life crises with a combination of the below:
- Pretty unfulfilling, low challenge bland job
- Minimal skills
- Chronic positive discrimination at work contributes to little prospect for promotion
- Although I have a plc background I missed out on any DB pensions so can’t grin and bear it until 55 yo - rather 75 is the new 55
- Very well defined parameters in life - need to live where we are for schools, need to earn what I earn to maintain lifestyle, not a huge amount of time or freedom

Wish I could just switch my brain off to suppress these thoughts but I can’t and it creates a downward spiral

Just curious as to how others have gotten through this fog ? I know I won’t be alone

I feel like I reflect UK plc - everything is there, but nothing works very well (trains, utilities, public services) and it feels like a long slow decline from here onwards

Apologies this is very negative - just the way I feel and I think it would help to feel I’m not alone with this

[lizardbrain]

Babber101 said:

it feels like a long slow decline from here onwards

Just on this point, statistically it's the time of life when you have the most challenges for the least reward, but it does generally trend up from here. Perhaps of small consolation when you are in the midst of it.





You mention having to maintain your lifestyle, what does this mean?

Edited by lizardbrain on Saturday 21st October 13:22

[alock]

Have a hobby that's yours. Not with your wife and not with your kids.

Carve out a few hours a week and do something for yourself.

[Babber101]

lizardbrain said:

Just on this point, statistically it's the time of life when you have the most challenges for the least reward, but it does generally trend up from here. Perhaps of small consolation when you are in the midst of it.





You mention having to maintain your lifestyle, what does this mean?

Edited by lizardbrain on Saturday 21st October 13:22

Earn a decent salary and no mortgage but still don’t have loads left every month after usual bills, kids clubs, general living costs

[Babber101]

alock said:

Have a hobby that's yours. Not with your wife and not with your kids.

Carve out a few hours a week and do something for yourself.

It’s a good idea - I took up guitar which has been good (but hard)
Not sure it’s really helping as still feel the same way.
I think I’ve got so many layers of deadened feelings it’s hard to reach what I enjoy and what flicks the switches

[boyse7en]

Babber101 said:

Earn a decent salary and no mortgage but still don’t have loads left every month after usual bills, kids clubs, general living costs

Nobody does

Everyone pretty much spends everything they earn (or put it in pension etc, the net result is the same)
Whether you are on £20k or £200k, you'll spend the lot.

Personally, I took up running. Its cheap (pair of running shoes per year), helps your fitness, can be a social activity if you join a club or group, and I find it a great way of clearing the head - I can't be stressed about bills when my legs are burning and Im blowing out of derriere. YMMV

The bit in your post that draws the eye is the "maintaining a lifestyle". But you aren't enjoying that lifestyle. Do you need a new car, or exotic holiday? Would spending that money on weekend trips to London/Alton towers/the lake District be better? Or spend it on a motorcycle

[Vasco]

Babber101 said:

Earn a decent salary and no mortgage but still don’t have loads left every month after usual bills, kids clubs, general living costs

So, is money (lack of savings ?) at the root of it?

As mentioned above, you're at a prime age for feeling a bit low/depressed. You'll get over it.

Try out different hobbies/sports. Read/play music or go for an interesting drive ?

[okgo]

boyse7en said:

Nobody does

Everyone pretty much spends everything they earn (or put it in pension etc, the net result is the same)
Whether you are on £20k or £200k, you'll spend the lot.

Personally, I took up running. Its cheap (pair of running shoes per year), helps your fitness, can be a social activity if you join a club or group, and I find it a great way of clearing the head - I can't be stressed about bills when my legs are burning and Im blowing out of derriere. YMMV

The bit in your post that draws the eye is the "maintaining a lifestyle". But you aren't enjoying that lifestyle. Do you need a new car, or exotic holiday? Would spending that money on weekend trips to London/Alton towers/the lake District be better? Or spend it on a motorcycle

Obviously that first para is just totally untrue.

I do agree that it feels money related, does sound OP like the thought of having to work for another 25 years is getting you down and potentially getting a plan/finances sorted (someone in a good job with no mortgage assuming not private school should be OK really) might give you a bit of a lift? Or maybe a career change?

Hobbies etc always good but tough with younger kids.

[Boozy]

I refer to it as mid life realization rather than a crisis. It’s only a crisis if you let it get in top of you. Go for a walk, take in the fresh air and clear your head, it’ll help you figure out what’s wrong and then get after it. You’re winning in life because you are alive, anything else is a bonus. Sounds like you have most stuff nailed down, work on yourself and your mental and physical well being.

[vindaloo79]

Babber101 said:

Wish I could just switch my brain off to suppress these thoughts but I can’t and it creates a downward spiral

Just curious as to how others have gotten through this fog ? I know I won’t be alone

Time for a motorcycle me thinks… all stress melts away

Edited by vindaloo79 on Saturday 21st October 15:20

[Maxf]

Sounds cheesy but I found the ‘five minute gratitude journal’ very helpful in making me realise there were loads of good things in the grind - I feel like I appreciate them more when they are happening now rather than just feeling swept along.

A good book rather than binge watching Netflix/doom scrolling before bed helps me too.

[Crumpet]

Boozy said:

I refer to it as mid life realization rather than a crisis. It’s only a crisis if you let it get in top of you. Go for a walk, take in the fresh air and clear your head, it’ll help you figure out what’s wrong and then get after it. You’re winning in life because you are alive, anything else is a bonus. Sounds like you have most stuff nailed down, work on yourself and your mental and physical well being.

I think I’d agree with the ‘realisation’ bit.

I’m similar to the OP; 41, wife and kids and by almost every metric I’d say I was winning at life (except the baldness, but even that saves time and money!) but there’s nothing like a good health scare to make you realise you’re not immortal.

Fortunately mine amounted to nothing but it set the ball rolling for a bit of a slump. I think I realised that I won’t live forever, that I’d lost contact with lots of friends, I’d lost almost all my hobbies and I was working myself to death. And also I now know a handful of chaps in their early to mid 40s who’ve either died, had heart attacks or had strokes.

The health scare made me realise I’d neglected my health for a long time. Ironically the new healthy lifestyle meant I stopped drinking completely and, while physically I was getting in great shape, mentally I was having a slump. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that now I’ve started having 3-4 pints a week that I’m back to normal. Don’t underestimate the positive social aspect of a few drinks.

I think you just realise you’re in a routine of working to support and raise your family and you neglect yourself. Coupled with a nosedive in testosterone and it’s pretty easy to see how you end up with a bit of a crisis.

Some things I’ve done:

Be nice to people. Say nice things to them and do nice things for them, if it’s at work give positive feedback to their managers. I’ve found that to be a real mood boost.

Get a hobby back. I’ve fallen in love with fishing again. It’s ace. Watch ‘Mortimer and Whitehouse - Gone Fishing’, that’s been a bit of a catalyst for me.

Set some goals. A six pack by next spring, a promotion at work and a family holiday to France next summer are mine.

I still plan on doing the mid-life-crisis 911 or Aston. Much to the wife’s disagreement! I think it’s going to be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission on that one.

By the sound of it it’s all fairly normal, though.

[Smint]

So many people seem to be in jobs they hate, you spend a massive number of hours days weeks months years of your life at work, it should be something you enjoy and something you can take a pride in doing well, not something that feels like being sent to a day/night prison for 8 to 12 hours per shift just watching the clock turn so you can be released and go home.

A unfulfilling work life must affect how things are in the rest of your life.

[anonymous-user]

You talk a lot about work, salary and lifestyle etc.

All that is just peripheral stuff and real, true happiness usually stems from home life and the relationships you have...

Are you happily married, still love your wife etc?

How well do you both communicate, spend time?

[fourstardan]

Start golf...then the mental problems start!

Whats with the discrimination statement? Feels like you've got to maybe recognise a bit of need to diversify/change?

[Pistonsquirter]

vindaloo79 said:

Babber101 said:

Wish I could just switch my brain off to suppress these thoughts but I can’t and it creates a downward spiral

Just curious as to how others have gotten through this fog ? I know I won’t be alone

Time for a motorcycle me thinks… all stress melts away

Edited by vindaloo79 on Saturday 21st October 15:20

I was going to suggest Porsche. OP have you ever driven a Porsche..?

[Babber101]

boyse7en said:

Nobody does

Everyone pretty much spends everything they earn (or put it in pension etc, the net result is the same)
Whether you are on £20k or £200k, you'll spend the lot.

Personally, I took up running. Its cheap (pair of running shoes per year), helps your fitness, can be a social activity if you join a club or group, and I find it a great way of clearing the head - I can't be stressed about bills when my legs are burning and Im blowing out of derriere. YMMV

The bit in your post that draws the eye is the "maintaining a lifestyle". But you aren't enjoying that lifestyle. Do you need a new car, or exotic holiday? Would spending that money on weekend trips to London/Alton towers/the lake District be better? Or spend it on a motorcycle

It’s just standard living costs - like lots of people it’s amazing how many thousands a month it costs to just run a house, cars, kids etc
Have an overseas holiday a year, nothing fancy and no exotic or extravagant spending. Just seems to cost a lot to stand still (like millions of other)
I think that’s part of the problem - you spend so much time doing something you don’t enjoy and your just standing still, doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere

[okgo]

So perhaps a budget is in order?

With not mortgage and kids not in private education it shouldn’t be that horrendous month to month unless it’s a stately home?

[Babber101]

lord trumpton said:

You talk a lot about work, salary and lifestyle etc.

All that is just peripheral stuff and real, true happiness usually stems from home life and the relationships you have...

Are you happily married, still love your wife etc?

How well do you both communicate, spend time?

Not sure we are in love, not sure we have a huge amount in common. I think we are very different people but now have these 2 kids to look after.
I wouldn’t ever do anything until kids are older and on their own feet plus the thought of losing half of what I have in the run into my retirement doesn’t fill me with enthusiasm


I think in hindsight I am a classic example of - if you don’t have a clear vision of who you are, what you want and what you enjoy - you will end up with someone else’s choices and life. Very hard to unpick now, I suspect I just need to make do and try to distract myself and accept the odd episodes of depression/regret/grief will come to the surface

[bitchstewie]

Smint said:

So many people seem to be in jobs they hate, you spend a massive number of hours days weeks months years of your life at work, it should be something you enjoy and something you can take a pride in doing well, not something that feels like being sent to a day/night prison for 8 to 12 hours per shift just watching the clock turn so you can be released and go home.

A unfulfilling work life must affect how things are in the rest of your life.

I agree with this but it's also very easy to say "just change it" when it's not always so easy to do.

I basically get paid to do a hobby and if I have a bad day it's probably still better than some other poor sods best days.

If I were Babber101 I might think how I really feel about the job and the people I work with as it can make a very big difference to your mood and general wellbeing.

Also don't rule out seeing a GP or doctor as it's easy to dismiss it as a mid life crisis but ultimately it's all mental health.