Death and bereavement
Discussion
Mrs S passed away in July and I’m struggling to come to terms with it,she was 52.
Most days are ok and I muddle on but yesterday I was on the verge of crying all day,nothing I did stopped it.
I know it’s still early days but as the days pass my feeling of loss gets greater and everything seems more of a weight on my shoulders and getting heavier.
We have decided to move back to the UK and that seems like a mountain rather than a hill.I know it’s the right decision in the long term but it’s a daunting prospect.
I know in time it will get easier but that doesn’t help now,and it’s now life seems s
t.
Most days are ok and I muddle on but yesterday I was on the verge of crying all day,nothing I did stopped it.
I know it’s still early days but as the days pass my feeling of loss gets greater and everything seems more of a weight on my shoulders and getting heavier.
We have decided to move back to the UK and that seems like a mountain rather than a hill.I know it’s the right decision in the long term but it’s a daunting prospect.
I know in time it will get easier but that doesn’t help now,and it’s now life seems s
t.
Sorry to hear of your loss, especially at such a young age. Nothing I can type will really help, but make sure that you lean on your friends and family throughout the harder times. I know it's a cliché but time does help.
My dad was killed in 2018 in a hit and run while driving his car. We had to move house the week after and I couldn't have been more useless if I tried.
There will be a phase where you're walking around like a zombie, but hopefully the planned move to the UK gives you something to focus on.
It's important to let yourself cry (maybe take yourself away to a quiet place and wait until your eyes look normal again).Try to talk to friends, I promise you won't be a burden.
The truth is, bereavement is a horrible, lengthy process but it does get easier. I'm so sorry for your loss.
My dad was killed in 2018 in a hit and run while driving his car. We had to move house the week after and I couldn't have been more useless if I tried.
There will be a phase where you're walking around like a zombie, but hopefully the planned move to the UK gives you something to focus on.
It's important to let yourself cry (maybe take yourself away to a quiet place and wait until your eyes look normal again).Try to talk to friends, I promise you won't be a burden.
The truth is, bereavement is a horrible, lengthy process but it does get easier. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Didn't want to read and run OP.
First, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I can only imagine what a blow it's been to you.
One of the (many) horrible things about grief is that it's never linear. It really is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and you can never predict how you will feel on a daily basis. You can even go a whole week where you'll feel okay and will start to think that maybe you're moving on and processing it. And then suddenly you'll find yourself sobbing randomly. You have no idea what the trigger is, you have no idea how to avoid it next time. It's just the way grief is. Please let yourself cry it out, don't feel like you need to stop it (although if you're worried about being seen then go and lock yourself in a loo for it). It's a natural part of the grief process.
Yes, moving back to the UK is a big thing. I would say it is indeed a mountain, even if you feel it should be "easy" since you're returning to the country rather than moving somewhere new. I assume "we" means yourself and children, which makes it doubly hard.
Personally, and you can ignore all this if it doesn't feel right, I would make two lists when in a slightly better frame of mind. List 1 is "Big tasks" and List 2 is "Small tasks". Big tasks list will be things like legal issues and big spends, such as finding somewhere to live in the UK, booking flights, booking removals etc. Small tasks is things like getting the kids to clear out clothes they've grown out of, using up things in the food cupboard, collecting important paperwork into one folder etc.
On days where you feel pretty good, tackle the big list. If you have trusted friends or family members then maybe even delegate. Could someone go and have a look around prospective properties for you? Could someone sit and stare at flight information for 30 minutes and send you 3 options? Can someone check international removal company feedback on various websites to check you're hiring a reputable company?
On less good days that's when you take a look at the small tasks list and maybe try to find 10 minutes to start on one of them. It's a distraction, it'll be a quick mood boost if you get something completed, and it will bring you one step closer to your goal.
I promise you, you don't need to be an emotionless rock in all this. If you have supportive people then they will actually want to help! So when you need it do the really brave thing and ask for help. And keep posting here, there will be other PHers who have been through this.
First, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I can only imagine what a blow it's been to you.
One of the (many) horrible things about grief is that it's never linear. It really is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and you can never predict how you will feel on a daily basis. You can even go a whole week where you'll feel okay and will start to think that maybe you're moving on and processing it. And then suddenly you'll find yourself sobbing randomly. You have no idea what the trigger is, you have no idea how to avoid it next time. It's just the way grief is. Please let yourself cry it out, don't feel like you need to stop it (although if you're worried about being seen then go and lock yourself in a loo for it). It's a natural part of the grief process.
Yes, moving back to the UK is a big thing. I would say it is indeed a mountain, even if you feel it should be "easy" since you're returning to the country rather than moving somewhere new. I assume "we" means yourself and children, which makes it doubly hard.
Personally, and you can ignore all this if it doesn't feel right, I would make two lists when in a slightly better frame of mind. List 1 is "Big tasks" and List 2 is "Small tasks". Big tasks list will be things like legal issues and big spends, such as finding somewhere to live in the UK, booking flights, booking removals etc. Small tasks is things like getting the kids to clear out clothes they've grown out of, using up things in the food cupboard, collecting important paperwork into one folder etc.
On days where you feel pretty good, tackle the big list. If you have trusted friends or family members then maybe even delegate. Could someone go and have a look around prospective properties for you? Could someone sit and stare at flight information for 30 minutes and send you 3 options? Can someone check international removal company feedback on various websites to check you're hiring a reputable company?
On less good days that's when you take a look at the small tasks list and maybe try to find 10 minutes to start on one of them. It's a distraction, it'll be a quick mood boost if you get something completed, and it will bring you one step closer to your goal.
I promise you, you don't need to be an emotionless rock in all this. If you have supportive people then they will actually want to help! So when you need it do the really brave thing and ask for help. And keep posting here, there will be other PHers who have been through this.
Discendo Discimus said:
<clipped>
My dad was killed in 2018 in a hit and run while driving his car.
Mine too, in 2015, in similar circumstances. Eight+ years on and I think I've come to terms with it, however, I do sometimes get caught out by a moment, triggered by a memory or thought. Most of it is because you feel there was more time to be had, a bit like not finishing to read a book.My dad was killed in 2018 in a hit and run while driving his car.
Smiffymoto - the only thing on your side is you. You have to look after yourself. As you're realising, time will heal, and it's getting through the difficult hours and days that will bear heavy. Be strong, for the sake of Mrs S. Nothing I can say will help you where you are right now. The only thing I, we, your friends and family can offer you is support. Ultimately, you have to stand up and find a way to cope.
Keep checking in here, but do also distract yourself with something that will keep your mind occupied.
Very sorry to hear of your loss, I can only imagine it's so much harder to deal with when it's someone so young. I hope you have someone you can talk to to help you deal with it, it really does help. I've found that it gets easier to remember and talk about happy memories as time goes on. It all just sticks in your throat at first.
smifffymoto said:
Mrs S passed away in July and I’m struggling to come to terms with it,she was 52.
Most days are ok and I muddle on but yesterday I was on the verge of crying all day,nothing I did stopped it.
I know it’s still early days but as the days pass my feeling of loss gets greater and everything seems more of a weight on my shoulders and getting heavier.
We have decided to move back to the UK and that seems like a mountain rather than a hill.I know it’s the right decision in the long term but it’s a daunting prospect.
I know in time it will get easier but that doesn’t help now,and it’s now life seems st.
You say "we", I ask as is this a term you used or do you have children in France with you because depending on the exact circumstances, maybe the best solution might not be the most obvious.Most days are ok and I muddle on but yesterday I was on the verge of crying all day,nothing I did stopped it.
I know it’s still early days but as the days pass my feeling of loss gets greater and everything seems more of a weight on my shoulders and getting heavier.
We have decided to move back to the UK and that seems like a mountain rather than a hill.I know it’s the right decision in the long term but it’s a daunting prospect.
I know in time it will get easier but that doesn’t help now,and it’s now life seems s
t.After something so sad for you, is it possible that in such a short time adding the stress of relocating and jobs etc putting additional pressure on, I guess if there is a better support structure here for you then it makes sense but if not, could you not allow yourself time and maybe put things in place over a longer period of time to decide, moving house is stressful, moving house in different countries must be more so and add in the bereavement and it seems like a lot pressure especially if you can delay things for a while.
There is of course no easy answer but perhaps doing nothing for a while might be worth considering
https://youtu.be/5wVLDHUc5ic?si=Dbyj63gjh1JkCbfv
This is only the one minute clip of a longer video but this explained it all to me. I'm sure everyone else has different theories, ways of coping etc but as soon as I saw this a lightbulb went off and I "got it".
The incident in question, the death of a great friend is now multiple years old and it's stood me in good stead over the years. Good luck OP.
This is only the one minute clip of a longer video but this explained it all to me. I'm sure everyone else has different theories, ways of coping etc but as soon as I saw this a lightbulb went off and I "got it".
The incident in question, the death of a great friend is now multiple years old and it's stood me in good stead over the years. Good luck OP.
Sorry to read another young death in this forum.
My wife passed away from leukaemia just over two years ago. Just 5 short weeks from diagnosis to death.
I’m not convinced things do get easier. Things just change. There was the time before I met my wife, 23 years with my wife and now this third final chapter where it’s me against the world
I’ve turned into a miserable angry bloke. I get cross at the things she is missing (our children grow up, exam results, lots of firsts) and then I get angry at her because I’m now running around with the chores of two adults condensed into one adult whilst still working full time. I get angry at the children and sometimes I just want to take my seat belt off when I’m in the car in my own and just drive as fast as I can into a bridge support.
I get no help from friends or family and it’s like the entire event has been forgotten about. I go to work, I return home and feed my animals and children then go to bed at the earliest opportunity. I do nothing and I’m happy being miserable. Given the age my grandparents lived before they passed away I have potentially another 50 years of this.
My advice is that you don’t let the death be forgotten. I wrote a diary straight after the death, only for a few months but it helped me with my anger and feelings. I read it occasionally because I don’t won’t to forget home much I loved my girl. I still buy things for her when I go food shopping and I still record her favourite tv programs (...and play them on the TV to an empty house when I go to work..). My excuse is that the cats like the TV on!!
I’m not really sure what the point of this message is other than just record and remember how you feel at the moment. If that makes sense . It’s such a tough time, not only are you grieving but you’re having to adapt to being on your own. Simple things like not hearing her in the shower early morning or having conversations about work when I get home, it all hurts. If I could swap with her I would.
Keeps checking in, there have been a few reported deaths in the health forum. People at different stages may help you.
My wife passed away from leukaemia just over two years ago. Just 5 short weeks from diagnosis to death.
I’m not convinced things do get easier. Things just change. There was the time before I met my wife, 23 years with my wife and now this third final chapter where it’s me against the world
I’ve turned into a miserable angry bloke. I get cross at the things she is missing (our children grow up, exam results, lots of firsts) and then I get angry at her because I’m now running around with the chores of two adults condensed into one adult whilst still working full time. I get angry at the children and sometimes I just want to take my seat belt off when I’m in the car in my own and just drive as fast as I can into a bridge support.
I get no help from friends or family and it’s like the entire event has been forgotten about. I go to work, I return home and feed my animals and children then go to bed at the earliest opportunity. I do nothing and I’m happy being miserable. Given the age my grandparents lived before they passed away I have potentially another 50 years of this.
My advice is that you don’t let the death be forgotten. I wrote a diary straight after the death, only for a few months but it helped me with my anger and feelings. I read it occasionally because I don’t won’t to forget home much I loved my girl. I still buy things for her when I go food shopping and I still record her favourite tv programs (...and play them on the TV to an empty house when I go to work..). My excuse is that the cats like the TV on!!
I’m not really sure what the point of this message is other than just record and remember how you feel at the moment. If that makes sense . It’s such a tough time, not only are you grieving but you’re having to adapt to being on your own. Simple things like not hearing her in the shower early morning or having conversations about work when I get home, it all hurts. If I could swap with her I would.
Keeps checking in, there have been a few reported deaths in the health forum. People at different stages may help you.
Edited by oldaudi on Wednesday 4th October 00:07
Really sorry to read this.
My Mum died 18 months ago and it was horrendous. The celebrant said "you don't stop loving someone just because they have gone on holiday" and the words really stuck with me.
Over time I have managed to compartmentalise things so the love for her hasn't changed but the pain of not being able to see and speak to her isn't as acute.
Time helps and there are good times ahead.
My Mum died 18 months ago and it was horrendous. The celebrant said "you don't stop loving someone just because they have gone on holiday" and the words really stuck with me.
Over time I have managed to compartmentalise things so the love for her hasn't changed but the pain of not being able to see and speak to her isn't as acute.
Time helps and there are good times ahead.
I’m so sorry Smiffy 
I remember your move from the Pyrenees to here for a new adventure together and to hear it cut so short is truly sad and is my biggest fear for our adventure..
Have you read ‘waiting is the hardest bit’ the pages detailing the loss of Lily might give you some comfort and insight of how to get through, that thread has never left my memory..
I would offer to meet up but i doubt it would help, if you feel it would then pm me, i wont patronise with words of advice as ive not been through it, i feel for you is all i can say but thats little comfort in your position.
Stay strong and remember what you enjoyed together and what she’d like to see you doing now to get through it.
I remember your move from the Pyrenees to here for a new adventure together and to hear it cut so short is truly sad and is my biggest fear for our adventure..
Have you read ‘waiting is the hardest bit’ the pages detailing the loss of Lily might give you some comfort and insight of how to get through, that thread has never left my memory..
I would offer to meet up but i doubt it would help, if you feel it would then pm me, i wont patronise with words of advice as ive not been through it, i feel for you is all i can say but thats little comfort in your position.
Stay strong and remember what you enjoyed together and what she’d like to see you doing now to get through it.
I think I’m pissed off,like oldaudi said.
I am now responsible for everything and get very little help.My FIL lives with us and he now has the expectation that I am going to house him for ever.That is not going to happen but I have the extra hassle of that.
I can’t put an 82 year old out on the street but he has to accept things have changed and not for the better.
He isn’t my responsibility or obligation.
My only responsibility is me and our children,they are young adults who feel the same loss as I do.
I am now responsible for everything and get very little help.My FIL lives with us and he now has the expectation that I am going to house him for ever.That is not going to happen but I have the extra hassle of that.
I can’t put an 82 year old out on the street but he has to accept things have changed and not for the better.
He isn’t my responsibility or obligation.
My only responsibility is me and our children,they are young adults who feel the same loss as I do.
I’m really sorry to hear about Mrs S and wish you and your family all the best.
Grieving is a normal process but everyone is different and it takes time.
As Oldaudi has said ( 2 years also isn’t a long time ).
Crying can be a release valve and is much better for you than bottling it up.
I think it’s known as “ good grief “ - yes I know - but that stage will pass.
When my father died ( I know that’s completely different to losing a partner ) and whilst under very different circumstances I went through many stages of the grieving process including the “ seeing him “ one even though I knew that was not possible.
It took a good few years and even now years later I can occasionally get upset ( briefly ) if I think of something close to him.
But you will always have memories and things will get better but it takes time.
Knowing you have others to think of it will also occupy your mind - including the move.
Thinking of you.
Grieving is a normal process but everyone is different and it takes time.
As Oldaudi has said ( 2 years also isn’t a long time ).
Crying can be a release valve and is much better for you than bottling it up.
I think it’s known as “ good grief “ - yes I know - but that stage will pass.
When my father died ( I know that’s completely different to losing a partner ) and whilst under very different circumstances I went through many stages of the grieving process including the “ seeing him “ one even though I knew that was not possible.
It took a good few years and even now years later I can occasionally get upset ( briefly ) if I think of something close to him.
But you will always have memories and things will get better but it takes time.
Knowing you have others to think of it will also occupy your mind - including the move.
Thinking of you.
Smiffy - having experienced something similar when i was 22 i can only sympathise deeply.
I would like to say that "time heals" and to some extent it does but it's a bit like losing a limb, or part of your heart. Gradually you learn to live with the pain because you have no choice. You HAVE to, for the sake of others
I'm not going to type any more because it won't help. I hope you can find peace and solace.
I would like to say that "time heals" and to some extent it does but it's a bit like losing a limb, or part of your heart. Gradually you learn to live with the pain because you have no choice. You HAVE to, for the sake of others
I'm not going to type any more because it won't help. I hope you can find peace and solace.
Really sorry to hear of your loss.
Do you manage to find any time for yourself to exercise? Whether that be gym, cycling or even getting out for a walk / jog?
I can't see this situation ever getting easier, but you will one day, as hard and unlikely as it seems now, find things more manageable.
Do you manage to find any time for yourself to exercise? Whether that be gym, cycling or even getting out for a walk / jog?
I can't see this situation ever getting easier, but you will one day, as hard and unlikely as it seems now, find things more manageable.
Today is st.
Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
t.Every time I go in the kitchen and prepare lunch I turn around and see her sat at the table waiting for me to take her her sandwich. Then it happens,I hear her complain about the pain in her head,then I see her slump and fall off the chair,never to return home.
From that moment she didn't regain consiousness and that was it,6 days later they took her off life support.
I didn't get to say good bye,I didn't get to give her one last kiss and tell her I loved her.From then on she didn't hear my words or feel my touch.I smell her pyjamas to remember what she smelt like but now they just smell of washing powder,or is that her smell. I just don't know.
This is somehow a release,blatherring on to random blokes on an internet forum.
Thanks for listening so far.
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