Sex after having kids

[CraigNewmarket]

Hi All I need some advice.

I'm 42 my fiancee is 40, we have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and simply my fiancee isn't intrested in sex anymore or bothered that I want sex and its making me reconsider the whole relationship.

I just feel like she doesn't care about me at all and it getting to the point I'm thinking if she isn't putting effort into the relationship why should I.

Anytime I bring sex up she rolls her eyes, I feel like I need sex to keep my connection to her and honesty it gets me through the week and she's just pushing me away. I feel she doesn't care about me happy. When I said to her are you not bothered or feel sorry we don't have sex anymore she said no

It also makes me feel incredibly insecure which is not me at all.

What are other people experiences of having sex after kids?

[GT3Manthey]

Read this so many times .

If she has a downer on sex now prepare yourself for that not to change.

[CraigNewmarket]

GT3Manthey said:

Read this so many times .

If she has a downer on sex now prepare yourself for that not to change.

The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments.

The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?

She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.

[sagarich]

I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…

It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.

[Pieman68]

Communication is massive here. Had a similar issue with my ex after our daughter was born which drove us apart in similar circumstances - up to the point that my reduction in effort led to a snake sneaking in and saying all the right things to lure her away.

I've learnt from that. Slightly different scenario now as my good lady and I are older, but similar scenario has arisen with the arrival of the menopause. I won't go into detail but the physical side of things is the same.

I understand the insecurity and the lack of connection - but you need to remember that she has been through massive hormonal changes twice in the last few years and is probably insecure about what it has done to her body.

Reassure her, tell her how you feel about her, romance her. In short, prove to her that your relationship is not all about sex. In time hopefully, this will help her to overcome her insecurities and her mental state towards it may change.

Although I would prefer a bit more on the physical side of things, our relationship is as strong, if not stronger, than ever.

I hope that you can resolve things in a way that works for you both.

[GT3Manthey]

CraigNewmarket said:

The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments.

The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?

She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.

I wouldn’t change your financial planning it’ll make no difference in the event you split if that’s your thinking ?

You hear about women that have a sex drive but I don’t think it’s that many . Others will be along to suggest weekends away , councilling, doing more of the evening/weekend workload with house chores etc which is no bad thing but it’ll take commitment and constant planning from you.

[CraigNewmarket]

sagarich said:

I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…

It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.

Thanks for your reply, for me it's mental as much a physical she claims she loves me etc then rejects me its hard to want to be with someone when it feel like they dont want you.

I just feel why I should I put effort into our relationship if she's doesn't. How do you manage?

[Nomme de Plum]

CraigNewmarket said:

GT3Manthey said:

Read this so many times .

If she has a downer on sex now prepare yourself for that not to change.

The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments.

The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?

She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.

I had a conversation with a long term GF a couple of years ago her husband had lost interest in sex and her sex drive had never really changed. They had 3 lovely children but he would not discuss the issue.

Eventually they got help counselling and some medical checks. He was low on testosterone. Upshot was with intervention he got some semblance of sex drive back and their marriage survived.

Sometimes external assistance is required. Communication is the start.

[Jamescrs]

CraigNewmarket said:

The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments.

The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?

She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.

How long have you been together and how was the sex life before the children? Was it enjoyable for both of you or was it a means to an end for the purpose of procreating?

Have you looked after yourself and kept yourself in good shape since the children? Does she still find you attractive?

Is your wife overly tired from trying to deal with two preschool children?

Sometimes there are greater issues in the relationship and men don't realise until the sex tap is turned off.

Edited by Jamescrs on Tuesday 29th August 09:54

[CraigNewmarket]

sagarich said:

I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…

It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.

Thanks for your reply, for me it's mental as much a physical she claims she loves me etc then rejects me its hard to want to be with someone when it feel like they dont want you.

I just feel why I should I put effort into our relationship if she's doesn't. How do you manage?

[Skeptisk]

Have you considered she might be struggling with motherhood? I don’t know how you split the workload but two young children are a challenge. You might need to address other issues first before the sex part of your life. If you love her and care about her and want to be with her long term you might have to satisfy yourself for a while.

You could move onto someone else but everyone has issues and everyone changes over time so what might look like greener grass might turn out to be the same or worse in a year or two.

[Muzzer79]

CraigNewmarket said:

sagarich said:

I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…

It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.

Thanks for your reply, for me it's mental as much a physical she claims she loves me etc then rejects me its hard to want to be with someone when it feel like they dont want you.

I just feel why I should I put effort into our relationship if she's doesn't. How do you manage?

You appear to be wrapping this lack of interest in sex up as her "not putting effort in" to your relationship.

You know, of course, that it's deeper than that. Is she affectionate? Does she support you in your interests? Is she a good mother? Is she funny, interesting, intriguing? Does she make an effort with her appearance?

Any of all of these things also count as her putting effort in.

You have young children. She is of an age where she is focusing on them and the monumental changes that her body has been through over the last 5 years; physically and hormonally.

Cut her some slack. She may be being a bit abrupt with you, but women can be in these situations.

Be patient. Talk to her. Be sympathetic. Being a good husband is much more likely to result in increased affection than stamping your feet because you're not getting laid regularly.

[OMITN]

OP a genuine piece of advice: go and search for similar threads on Mumsnet.

There are threads on exactly this subject, almost all from the perspective of mothers. You should get a fresh perspective from women.

Being candid, it does seem that you - the person for whom there has been no physical or hormonal impacts from carrying, birthing and caring for children - are expecting things to be as they were for your benefit without considering what your wife needs or wants. This isn’t a black and white issue. Talk to her. But don’t pester her for sex - that’s about as big a turn off as it gets.

[CraigNewmarket]

Jamescrs said:

CraigNewmarket said:

The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments.

The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?

She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.

How long have you been together and how was the sex life before the children? Was it enjoyable for both of you or was it a means to an end for the purpose of procreating?

Have you looked after yourself and kept yourself in good shape since the children? Does she still find you attractive?

Is your wife overly tired from trying to deal with two preschool children?

Sometimes there are greater issues in the relationship and men don't realise until the sex tap is turned off.

She a stay at home mum and I work not from home so naturally she does most of the childcare. We have been together 8 years, the sex was really good it was one of the things I really liked about her she really used to put the effort in. If anything it was too much!

We were having sex while she breastfeeding but she just kept saying how painful it was for her so we stopped. She does have body confidence issues also since our boy was born.

She hasn't had a normal cycle yet and has changed her pill to see if this help things .

I'm sure she is tired of me asking when are we having sex as much as I'm tired of not having sex.

She still talks about planning our as yet unplanned wedding

[ZedLeg]

OMITN said:

Being candid, it does seem that you - the person for whom there has been no physical or hormonal impacts from carrying, birthing and caring for children - are expecting things to be as they were for your benefit without considering what your wife needs or wants. This isn’t a black and white issue. Talk to her. But don’t pester her for sex - that’s about as big a turn off as it gets.

I didn't want to be the one to say it but that. Have you sat down and had a conversation (not an argument) about this? Your wife has gone through huge mental and physical changes over the last 5 years, she may just need time and a little understanding rather than a horn dog.

[CraigNewmarket]

OMITN said:

OP a genuine piece of advice: go and search for similar threads on Mumsnet.

There are threads on exactly this subject, almost all from the perspective of mothers. You should get a fresh perspective from women.

Being candid, it does seem that you - the person for whom there has been no physical or hormonal impacts from carrying, birthing and caring for children - are expecting things to be as they were for your benefit without considering what your wife needs or wants. This isn’t a black and white issue. Talk to her. But don’t pester her for sex - that’s about as big a turn off as it gets.

Thanks, sometimes I think is it me but I'm worried the longer it goes on the more likely it will never come back. You hear about loads of sexless relationships and honesty I couldn't be in one long term.

[jonsp]

Muzzer79 said:

You appear to be wrapping this lack of interest in sex up as her "not putting effort in" to your relationship.

No disrespect to the OP but it could be he isn't putting enough effort in to making sex enjoyable for her.

If a person isn't enjoying sex hard to blame them for not wanting to have sex.

[CraigNewmarket]

ZedLeg said:

I didn't want to be the one to say it but that. Have you sat down and had a conversation (not an argument) about this? Your wife has gone through huge mental and physical changes over the last 5 years, she may just need time and a little understanding rather than a horn dog.

Yep we have spoke about it, we never get to the arguement stage because she just shuts down and doesn't speak.

It just ends in her saying I don't want sex and when I say but you want to have a sex life again don't you she just says I'm just not bothered for it.

[ParkerTalbot]

It's a big thing for blokes and it can have a big impact on us, but it's very common.

Agree with a lot of the posts above. Accept that as a bloke you'll never really understand just how enormous an effect hormones have in women. We get to about 18 and stay the same way virtually our whole lives. They change multiple times, from teens/puberty, then motherhood, then menopause. These are massive life changes, massive internal changes and can effect everything about them, from mood to self esteem, cause effects similar to depression, anxiety, erratic behaviour, loss of sex drive and everything in between.

I've been through similar to you after 2nd child, it then bounced back for many years and now we seem to be facing similar with early perimenopause. I almost cannot describe some of the things I've witnessed/heard from someone so close to me over the past year which then seemingly change with the flip of a coin. Quite scary and it's taken a while to understand it as neither of us had a clue what was going on.

Be supportive, be understanding, don't throw your toys out of the pram. A year or two is nothing in the grand scheme of things when you have two children and a previously solid bond.

[Muzzer79]

CraigNewmarket said:

I'm sure she is tired of me asking when are we having sex as much as I'm tired of not having sex.

Having an adult toddler pulling at her skirt asking

"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"

Will not help. Quite the opposite in fact.

Would you want to have sex with her when she's only doing it for your benefit? I can think of nothing worse.

Park the testosterone for a while - Favourite Pronhub if you need to.
Support your wife.