Been/going through hell

[Alpine2002]

Had what you would have called a great marriage for 20 years - both had great jobs, travelled the world, achieved most things we set our mind to.

Around 5 years ago my wife started sneaking the odd extra drink in the evening, that led to more of the same but lying about it when asked. Wine bottle hidden in the back of the wardrobe etc. I probably did not not how to handle in and at times judged her. Situation gets worse. From the outside everything is fine - high functioning alcoholic as you might say.

We have filed for divorce and she moves out of the house in 1 month. Today she kept going up-to her study for no reason after opening fizzy water - that’s one bottle of vodka, one bottle of red wine and a white claw hidden around the house. Think its fair to say she has a serious issue - we are over but I hope one day she can get the help she needs.

To top it all my mum died on Monday last week - she was the best mum anyone could have wished for and I miss her like crazy.

Over the last 3 months, I have cried more then I knew was possible and found out who my real friends are.

Sharing this to help others going through a difficult time - here is what has helped me

Staying physically active - gym, garden, anything to keep you up and moving
Therapy - never been before this, but it helped me massively - someone to talk through what was happening and help me better understand my emotions
Meditation - again never done it before but found a 5 min one online that helped me through the hard days - it calmed my emotions down.
Crying - sooo many tears shed but letting it out helped
Friends - reach out and talk to people
Drinking - keep it in check. I have 1 drink a night if I feel like it. No drinking to drown my sorrows.

Thanks

[toohuge]

Sorry to hear the journey you are currently going through.

But thank you for sharing your experience and techniques are you putting in place to help you cope with this significant shift in personal circumstances.

Stay strong and keep exercising those positive behaviours

[NoMoreMug]

You are going through a tough time - and are doing well.
It is only human to feel many different ways in these situations, which are, let's face it, life-changing and massive.

You had a lovely relationship with your mum, so in that way, you have been lucky and must have a lot of precious memories.
It probably feels worse to have lost her at this point - but knowing that she loved you, and you loved her, must be a great comfort.

Your marriage going awry is tough - the only way through it is, as they say, "through it" - and
you seem to be doing the best you can for yourself while it's all happening. Staying in control of what you can is
powerful and reassuring. You are doing great - so keep it up.

[Al Gorithum]

Sorry to hear OP. Difficult times I'm sure. Sounds like you're coping well so keep on keeping on!

[Alpine2002]

I am starting to see how easy it is to get on a downward spiral. I am finding emotions come in waves, that can knock you over. Remembering it will pass and spending time to control my emotional state (meditation) is helping. Thoughts like 'I will be alone for ever' are not helpful for me and remembering they will pass is key.

Also having my ex who is unable to acknowledge the role her relationship with alcohol played in the breakup leaves me without closure

[Four Litre]

Sorry to hear that OP. Take it one day at a time and remember in time this will be a distant memory of a really bad time you got through.

[toohuge]

Alpine2002 said:

Also having my ex who is unable to acknowledge the role her relationship with alcohol played in the breakup leaves me without closure

2 pieces of wisdom I learnt on my journey:
1 - the only thing you can control in the world is how you react to it

2 - closure can only come from within, difficult as it is to accept and practice

Waiting for / expecting closure from someone else is not a productive use of your energy whilst you're trying to heal.

Continue your mindfulness and seek closure from within and you'll pull yourself through

[JimmyConwayNW]

Alpine2002 said:

I am starting to see how easy it is to get on a downward spiral. I am finding emotions come in waves, that can knock you over. Remembering it will pass and spending time to control my emotional state (meditation) is helping. Thoughts like 'I will be alone for ever' are not helpful for me and remembering they will pass is key.

Also having my ex who is unable to acknowledge the role her relationship with alcohol played in the breakup leaves me without closure

The ex is unable to face that she has an alcohol problem.

I have had a close family member / relative, I don't really like to discuss it much, but was essentially an alcoholic, secret drinking.
Not rolling about in shop doorways, pubs, or park benches, but would drink until they fell asleep / passed out. Hiding the drinking, nipping out to empty bin, nip out to the car to get something, hiding in utility rooms, cupboard, upstairs rooms.

They never and even to this day accepted they had a problem with alcohol. They were a functioning alcoholic and their relationship with alcohol was not pleasant.