BIL’s Suicide Attempt, Ideas to Help Him Move Forward?
Discussion
BIL (43) has played his entire life on hard mode. I think he’s a 
but i deeply love his family.
He Was born a normal kid but at the age of 4 he got a brain injury in an accident when playing with friends. Family were dirt poor living in eastern europe so although the life threatening injuries were handled in the immediate aftermath, nothing else was done in terms of brain injury and on account of needing fairly intensive support the kid was transferred to a hospital in another city half way across the country, away from parents. Spent the next 3 years in hospital with monthly parent visits, way too expensive to visit more frequently. Kid didn’t do so well, didn’t start any kind of school.
A christian charity mission worker person visited one day after a few years, he didn’t adopt the kid but got some kind of legal responsibility for him, took him to his place even further away but paid for a couple of years of rehabilitation and paid for ultra poor MIL and FIL to visit semi regularly. Kid begins school about 6 years late but makes a little progress. Leaves school at 16 with the educational attainment of around a poorly performing 9-10 year old. Christian mission person appears to have been nothing but an angel but on leaving school tells BIL he needs to begin to make his own way in life. Missionary has a bunch of more or less adopted kids living with him.
Whole family relocates to the UK circa 2000, BIL begins trying to hold down a job. Fails miserably. Starts by working with FIL in some kind of illegal gig paid under the table as far as i can tell. Dangerous industrial work, turns up on time but has several accidents. Seriously struggles to follow directions, just seems incapable of learning.
Tight family bond with angel continues, one time he visits with a friend who conducts something like an IQ test, as a twenty-something BIL scores below the threshold for the test to give a conclusive result, this psychologist or whatever they are estimates an IQ around 80 and explains to the family that this is so low it should be handled as a disability, engage UK NHS and take it from here. Family doesn’t do this - bad past experience with medical profession back home means they don’t trust the UK doctors either, they also suspect there will be hidden costs and have not long escaped repaying a 15+ year debt that sounds like some kind of loan shark thing in retrospect and so they decline taking it further. Absolute madness IMO.
BIL tries hand at a few other jobs, bus driver but fails to pass the necessary tests, bin man but has money stolen regularly by colleague and generally bullied for 4 months until MIL permits him to quit, security doorman but ends up with cauliflower ear most months.
Despite being pretty useless at life, basically incapable of doing anything to look after himself, BIL is blessed with model good looks despite being thick as st. The whole family are blessed in that department. BIL does very very well with the ladies interest and catching their eye but is too useless to do anything with the recurring interest, never capitalises on the interest. Also Has horrible breath too from general failure to look after himself but MIL and GF at the time (wife now) basically dress him so he usually looks presentable.
Until this point i felt sorry for him, i knew him by this point but didn’t really like him but did give him some help a few times.
Ends up having a child with a grotesque scheme gremlin after a one night stand. Scheme gremlin is incapable of looking after kid but BIL is convinced he’s in love and he’s going to make a happy family. BIL is obviously also unable to look after kid since can’t look after himself so MIL/FIL step up to make sure kid survives. Relationship is as rocky as you expect, social services and all sorts involved. Kid is spending 6 nights a week with MIL/FIL.
Suddenly one day scheme goblin, kid and dog disappear off the face of the earth. Police later trace to a town south of london but not before BIL has first suicide attempt.
A year or so passes, BIL meets some kind of social worker who is helping him somehow. Falls in love. Unbeknownst to everyone this person has previous for fraud and wrongful accusation of rape by ex husband, but this is all unknown. Web of deceit ensues, family ends up 10k in debt for this woman. They get married, she accuses him of rape, police tell him to stay away from her, he believes he can’t live without her, goes back immediately on release, this time her rape story sticks and there’s a court case whereupon BIL spends the next 7 years at her majesties pleasure.
Family finally gets some respite for a few years no longer having to look after BIL since he’s pretty safe in prison and things generally get better. Best thing that happened all round. He enjoys the structure and safety, family enjoys the safety. Everyone is happy.
BIL gets deported on release back to eastern europe. Life falls apart immediately upon release. He’s unable to do anything, things go from bad to worse and now another suicide attempt.
What the fk is supposed to happen now? This guy is incapable of looking after himself. Parents reaching end of life. His sister doesn’t want anything to do with him.
but i deeply love his family.He Was born a normal kid but at the age of 4 he got a brain injury in an accident when playing with friends. Family were dirt poor living in eastern europe so although the life threatening injuries were handled in the immediate aftermath, nothing else was done in terms of brain injury and on account of needing fairly intensive support the kid was transferred to a hospital in another city half way across the country, away from parents. Spent the next 3 years in hospital with monthly parent visits, way too expensive to visit more frequently. Kid didn’t do so well, didn’t start any kind of school.
A christian charity mission worker person visited one day after a few years, he didn’t adopt the kid but got some kind of legal responsibility for him, took him to his place even further away but paid for a couple of years of rehabilitation and paid for ultra poor MIL and FIL to visit semi regularly. Kid begins school about 6 years late but makes a little progress. Leaves school at 16 with the educational attainment of around a poorly performing 9-10 year old. Christian mission person appears to have been nothing but an angel but on leaving school tells BIL he needs to begin to make his own way in life. Missionary has a bunch of more or less adopted kids living with him.
Whole family relocates to the UK circa 2000, BIL begins trying to hold down a job. Fails miserably. Starts by working with FIL in some kind of illegal gig paid under the table as far as i can tell. Dangerous industrial work, turns up on time but has several accidents. Seriously struggles to follow directions, just seems incapable of learning.
Tight family bond with angel continues, one time he visits with a friend who conducts something like an IQ test, as a twenty-something BIL scores below the threshold for the test to give a conclusive result, this psychologist or whatever they are estimates an IQ around 80 and explains to the family that this is so low it should be handled as a disability, engage UK NHS and take it from here. Family doesn’t do this - bad past experience with medical profession back home means they don’t trust the UK doctors either, they also suspect there will be hidden costs and have not long escaped repaying a 15+ year debt that sounds like some kind of loan shark thing in retrospect and so they decline taking it further. Absolute madness IMO.
BIL tries hand at a few other jobs, bus driver but fails to pass the necessary tests, bin man but has money stolen regularly by colleague and generally bullied for 4 months until MIL permits him to quit, security doorman but ends up with cauliflower ear most months.
Despite being pretty useless at life, basically incapable of doing anything to look after himself, BIL is blessed with model good looks despite being thick as s
t. The whole family are blessed in that department. BIL does very very well with the ladies interest and catching their eye but is too useless to do anything with the recurring interest, never capitalises on the interest. Also Has horrible breath too from general failure to look after himself but MIL and GF at the time (wife now) basically dress him so he usually looks presentable.Until this point i felt sorry for him, i knew him by this point but didn’t really like him but did give him some help a few times.
Ends up having a child with a grotesque scheme gremlin after a one night stand. Scheme gremlin is incapable of looking after kid but BIL is convinced he’s in love and he’s going to make a happy family. BIL is obviously also unable to look after kid since can’t look after himself so MIL/FIL step up to make sure kid survives. Relationship is as rocky as you expect, social services and all sorts involved. Kid is spending 6 nights a week with MIL/FIL.
Suddenly one day scheme goblin, kid and dog disappear off the face of the earth. Police later trace to a town south of london but not before BIL has first suicide attempt.
A year or so passes, BIL meets some kind of social worker who is helping him somehow. Falls in love. Unbeknownst to everyone this person has previous for fraud and wrongful accusation of rape by ex husband, but this is all unknown. Web of deceit ensues, family ends up 10k in debt for this woman. They get married, she accuses him of rape, police tell him to stay away from her, he believes he can’t live without her, goes back immediately on release, this time her rape story sticks and there’s a court case whereupon BIL spends the next 7 years at her majesties pleasure.
Family finally gets some respite for a few years no longer having to look after BIL since he’s pretty safe in prison and things generally get better. Best thing that happened all round. He enjoys the structure and safety, family enjoys the safety. Everyone is happy.
BIL gets deported on release back to eastern europe. Life falls apart immediately upon release. He’s unable to do anything, things go from bad to worse and now another suicide attempt.
What the f
k is supposed to happen now? This guy is incapable of looking after himself. Parents reaching end of life. His sister doesn’t want anything to do with him.Edited by disago on Friday 28th July 22:19
fk me !
I’m really sorry. I’m at a loss. Sometimes life just deals someone a really stty hand. It seems that your BiL is one of the unlucky ones.
I don’t really think that there is much you actually can do for him. Perhaps a case of just being there and being really, really supportive of your Mrs.
I’m sorry I couldn’t offer anything even approaching help or advice.
k me !I’m really sorry. I’m at a loss. Sometimes life just deals someone a really s
tty hand. It seems that your BiL is one of the unlucky ones.I don’t really think that there is much you actually can do for him. Perhaps a case of just being there and being really, really supportive of your Mrs.
I’m sorry I couldn’t offer anything even approaching help or advice.
He's effectively beyond support now unless you're going to go to eastern Europe and DK everything for him as it doesn't sound like anyone else will. Ultimately, he will have to make a choice now of whether or not he wants to live or die. Perhaps he feels this is the only real choice he has ever had. If he decides to keep on living then I would stay in touch.
disago said:
Parents reaching end of life. His sister doesn’t want anything to do with him.
This is the important bit IMO. Without his sister on board I don't see what you can do. If she is then either paying for some level of care at home seems most straightforward, or I guess a right to family life human rights case.
He’s barred from the UK.
Parents have been sending money but that’s come with its own problems, the halfway house kind of thing he’s in doesn’t seem to be able to stop other residents taking his money so now it’s got to the stage they’re phoning food deliveries when he’s not eaten for a few days.
Family in the country rapidly burned out and not willing to help.
Parents return regularly to help which is costing a fortune on top of the halfway house place which is not free. Parents don’t want to relocate back permanently for other reasons.
I don’t really see what’s going to happen except end of life. I don’t really like him but feels wrong to just let whatever happen. That said, there doesn’t seem to be a way to train him in basic life skills either.
One thing that he has in his favour is he has no drink or drugs issue, doesn’t drink, never took drugs.
Parents have been sending money but that’s come with its own problems, the halfway house kind of thing he’s in doesn’t seem to be able to stop other residents taking his money so now it’s got to the stage they’re phoning food deliveries when he’s not eaten for a few days.
Family in the country rapidly burned out and not willing to help.
Parents return regularly to help which is costing a fortune on top of the halfway house place which is not free. Parents don’t want to relocate back permanently for other reasons.
I don’t really see what’s going to happen except end of life. I don’t really like him but feels wrong to just let whatever happen. That said, there doesn’t seem to be a way to train him in basic life skills either.
One thing that he has in his favour is he has no drink or drugs issue, doesn’t drink, never took drugs.
I'm probably going to go it alone here, however here goes.
Through no fault of his own, he'll destroy your life given the chance.
You might want to consider the selfish option.
My mum was bedridden for 10 years and attempted to control my life for part of 30.
It's st, you'll feel terrible, however in all honesty what on earth are you going to do, other than seemingly give up your own life to look after him.
Through no fault of his own, he'll destroy your life given the chance.
You might want to consider the selfish option.
My mum was bedridden for 10 years and attempted to control my life for part of 30.
It's s
t, you'll feel terrible, however in all honesty what on earth are you going to do, other than seemingly give up your own life to look after him.Have to agree with the above. Some people are natural drainers - through their repeated misfortune, misadventures and misplaced loyalty they will drain you of emotions, money and energy.
It’s not your fault or your responsibility. They only way you could make a meaningful difference is if you sacrificed absolutely everything for them
It’s not your fault or your responsibility. They only way you could make a meaningful difference is if you sacrificed absolutely everything for them
dundarach said:
I'm probably going to go it alone here, however here goes.
Through no fault of his own, he'll destroy your life given the chance.
You might want to consider the selfish option.
My mum was bedridden for 10 years and attempted to control my life for part of 30.
It's st, you'll feel terrible, however in all honesty what on earth are you going to do, other than seemingly give up your own life to look after him.
I'm in agreement I'm afraid.Through no fault of his own, he'll destroy your life given the chance.
You might want to consider the selfish option.
My mum was bedridden for 10 years and attempted to control my life for part of 30.
It's s
t, you'll feel terrible, however in all honesty what on earth are you going to do, other than seemingly give up your own life to look after him.We are estranged from a family member who has addiction to drugs and alcohol. At various times, all the family have tried to help, but the individual has no intention of making a change to their lives and has no qualms about stealing from family.
I guess at some point in the near future they will have an early demise and there will be questions about why the family weren't around to provide support.
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