Mentally broken...
Discussion
Dear readers - I have been a member of the PH community for over 20 years and enjoyed the helpful forum comments on various car related topics.
I am now turning to you for help. Please be kind....
[ETA] a few people know me by my original handle here, so i have created a new login as i am embarrassed by my position.
I need help. My life is collapsing all around me and looking back at it, it was happening a while back and I just did not want to acknowledge it was happening. I will try to explain.
I have been married for 25 years with two teenage daughters, the youngest who is just about to leave home for university this September. My wife and I have slowly drifted apart the last two to three years. Our jobs are both high stress and in recent years she has started to earn at least £50k more than me a year. She works a commute away and leaves early and I work from home and work late into the evenings. I think that matters have been made worse by the peri menopause and it seems that everything i say or do (or don't say or do) is wrong. She has always been a feisty woman, which i liked when i met her, but now it is verging on the ' i don't need anyone to do anything for me' type. Particular heroes for her are Wednesday Adams and Slander from the Girls with Dragon Tattoo films. Both characters are strong and alone.
I am really broken. I cant wake up in the mornings anymore, but know i have to. University for two children needs paying! When we do speak to each other it is small talk about the weather or similar or normally her work and what is going on. We have not been normal for at least a year if not more. I really dont know what to do anymore. At home I am always the one who is doing something wrong. I dont communicate or i am quiet - its always me. Recently she has started to ask friends from work advice and help with things that she would have spoken to me about. They are always more understanding and dont talk down to her. I sit at home and fester thinking that maybe it is me and i am a horrible person. I have lost all confidence and this is effecting my work.
After seven years on the wagon, i started secretly drinking last Xmas and this was found out, causing massive trouble to me. I been considering drinking again and often worse thoughts cross my mind. I really dont know what to do or where to go. I have few friends and my family do not keep in contact with me due to my early marriage issues.
Friends, what to do?
I am now turning to you for help. Please be kind....
[ETA] a few people know me by my original handle here, so i have created a new login as i am embarrassed by my position.
I need help. My life is collapsing all around me and looking back at it, it was happening a while back and I just did not want to acknowledge it was happening. I will try to explain.
I have been married for 25 years with two teenage daughters, the youngest who is just about to leave home for university this September. My wife and I have slowly drifted apart the last two to three years. Our jobs are both high stress and in recent years she has started to earn at least £50k more than me a year. She works a commute away and leaves early and I work from home and work late into the evenings. I think that matters have been made worse by the peri menopause and it seems that everything i say or do (or don't say or do) is wrong. She has always been a feisty woman, which i liked when i met her, but now it is verging on the ' i don't need anyone to do anything for me' type. Particular heroes for her are Wednesday Adams and Slander from the Girls with Dragon Tattoo films. Both characters are strong and alone.
I am really broken. I cant wake up in the mornings anymore, but know i have to. University for two children needs paying! When we do speak to each other it is small talk about the weather or similar or normally her work and what is going on. We have not been normal for at least a year if not more. I really dont know what to do anymore. At home I am always the one who is doing something wrong. I dont communicate or i am quiet - its always me. Recently she has started to ask friends from work advice and help with things that she would have spoken to me about. They are always more understanding and dont talk down to her. I sit at home and fester thinking that maybe it is me and i am a horrible person. I have lost all confidence and this is effecting my work.
After seven years on the wagon, i started secretly drinking last Xmas and this was found out, causing massive trouble to me. I been considering drinking again and often worse thoughts cross my mind. I really dont know what to do or where to go. I have few friends and my family do not keep in contact with me due to my early marriage issues.
Friends, what to do?
Edited by ThrowWrench on Tuesday 25th July 09:42
Don't underestimate how much of an effect the menopause is having, it can turn a lovely 'normal' woman into a maniac.
Sounds like you need some time together away from 'normal life' and have a proper chat about the situation.
She'll still be going through the menopuase so it might not change much for next X years, but at least you might both understand a bit more about each other's situations?
Sounds like you need some time together away from 'normal life' and have a proper chat about the situation.
She'll still be going through the menopuase so it might not change much for next X years, but at least you might both understand a bit more about each other's situations?
I'm no expert but I am a family man of two children and have been with my partner (never married) for over 20 years, so I suppose I do have some experience.
Have you tried talking to her? I mean really talking to her? Chances are, she is feeling just the same as you, she may be putting on a hard, shell like exterior but I bet on the inside, she is longing for the closeness you once shared.
Book time off together and go away for a long weekend or even a week if you can. Your children are old enough to fend for themselves for a few days. Book a high end lodge in Cornwall with a hot tub so you can both unwind in the evenings and try and rekindle what you once had, so you can both start working as a team again.
Do not start drinking again - that would be the end of it all but you already know that.
Don't give up and good luck.
Have you tried talking to her? I mean really talking to her? Chances are, she is feeling just the same as you, she may be putting on a hard, shell like exterior but I bet on the inside, she is longing for the closeness you once shared.
Book time off together and go away for a long weekend or even a week if you can. Your children are old enough to fend for themselves for a few days. Book a high end lodge in Cornwall with a hot tub so you can both unwind in the evenings and try and rekindle what you once had, so you can both start working as a team again.
Do not start drinking again - that would be the end of it all but you already know that.
Don't give up and good luck.
Thanks River_Rat. I found a charity to help her with the menopause and they wrote her a letter to take to the doctors and this in turn got her some tablets and gel to put on her arms. She was told to go back regularly to the Dr ask the dose would need to be adjusted. She never went back and totally refuses to believe that she is doing anything wrong or odd.
My two daughters are afraid to rock the boat so side with her often. Its lonely here.
[ETA] Thanks Welsh_John - Your reply has me sitting in tears here in my Zoom meeting. Thank god for camera off button. I will try. Let me see what I can do. At the moment she cant even look at me in the mornings.
My two daughters are afraid to rock the boat so side with her often. Its lonely here.
[ETA] Thanks Welsh_John - Your reply has me sitting in tears here in my Zoom meeting. Thank god for camera off button. I will try. Let me see what I can do. At the moment she cant even look at me in the mornings.
Firstly you're not alone.
I'm 50 and feel exactly the same, in fact was talking about it an hour ago with a mate over coffee!
You've two issues I feel
Firstly your relationship with your wife - this will be resolved (one way or another) by talking to her. Women like honest and open conversations, they're emotional beasts and you should try and talk through things with your wife. Get her understanding of things and how to fix them up. Whether she or you want to, is another thing.
Secondly you need a passion - this isn't something anyone else (or perhaps even you) can identify quickly, it's also about mind set for wanting to try things. I've interests but no passion and it's making my life feel boring and pointless.
I don't think the world around us is helping.
I don't think the news helps.
I suspect the drinking isn't helping, I know I need to cut it out and haven't!
Keep talking!
I'm 50 and feel exactly the same, in fact was talking about it an hour ago with a mate over coffee!
You've two issues I feel
Firstly your relationship with your wife - this will be resolved (one way or another) by talking to her. Women like honest and open conversations, they're emotional beasts and you should try and talk through things with your wife. Get her understanding of things and how to fix them up. Whether she or you want to, is another thing.
Secondly you need a passion - this isn't something anyone else (or perhaps even you) can identify quickly, it's also about mind set for wanting to try things. I've interests but no passion and it's making my life feel boring and pointless.
I don't think the world around us is helping.
I don't think the news helps.
I suspect the drinking isn't helping, I know I need to cut it out and haven't!
Keep talking!
Thank you all. I am not sure how to thank you enough. Just seeing replies coming back is overwhelming and emotional. I have bottled this up for so long. I have even thought of how and where to end it all, in recent months.
I have had to sign off the zoom for now. I cant hold it together....
Thank you so much for taking your time to respond. Its nice to hear that I am not alone.
I have had to sign off the zoom for now. I cant hold it together....
Thank you so much for taking your time to respond. Its nice to hear that I am not alone.
Is your job home based with no office? Home working can really build claustrophobia and anything such as you are going through now is only then made worse. If you have an office start going in more. Meet and see people, talk to them and build your confidence again and give you something more to talk about at home.
As others have said here a good holiday or break for the two of you would be very good and if it helps as a buffer then take the kids. You need to break the cycle you are stuck in now especially where alcohol looks like the next option.
Good luck with it you will sort yourselves out.
As others have said here a good holiday or break for the two of you would be very good and if it helps as a buffer then take the kids. You need to break the cycle you are stuck in now especially where alcohol looks like the next option.
Good luck with it you will sort yourselves out.
Al Gorithum said:
FWIW and IMO life is too short to live it unhappily.
Speak to her and explain your feelings. If it can't be resolved then it's time to move on in the best interests of everyone involved.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and please let us know how it works out.
What he said...Speak to her and explain your feelings. If it can't be resolved then it's time to move on in the best interests of everyone involved.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and please let us know how it works out.
Talk to her. Get marriage guidance.
You are not alone going through this, the menopause can be a b
d, both for your wife and for you.
I can resonate with a lot of what you said, and it's far more common than you think.
Talk to your partner, and as others have said, get yourselves away just the two of you, it doesn't have to be expensive even a meal out or a walk together on the weekend.
Oh, and also conversely, make sure you both have some hobby, be it small or large to enjoy outside of work.
It will pass, honestly.
P.S. lay off the drink.
d, both for your wife and for you.I can resonate with a lot of what you said, and it's far more common than you think.
Talk to your partner, and as others have said, get yourselves away just the two of you, it doesn't have to be expensive even a meal out or a walk together on the weekend.
Oh, and also conversely, make sure you both have some hobby, be it small or large to enjoy outside of work.
It will pass, honestly.
P.S. lay off the drink.
As others have said - this is not unusual (although you might think it is).
I've been married 15 years, 2 children. My wife and I always had a great relationship (still have) but things started getting weird about 5 years ago - it turns out she had started the menopause earlier than expected and I had no idea how much this affects some/most/all women. I'm not sure she realised it either to be honest.
I feel like I understand it a bit more now and can deal with some erratic behaviour from her (luckily it's less and less now) but it can be extremely difficult to understand at first (and actually all the time!).
Point is - this is not your fault and to be fair, it's not her's either. It's a hard thing for both of you to be dealing with.
IMO best thing you do and have a proper chat - get both of your feelings out in the open and try and deal with it going forward.
Good luck - it will get easier!
I've been married 15 years, 2 children. My wife and I always had a great relationship (still have) but things started getting weird about 5 years ago - it turns out she had started the menopause earlier than expected and I had no idea how much this affects some/most/all women. I'm not sure she realised it either to be honest.
I feel like I understand it a bit more now and can deal with some erratic behaviour from her (luckily it's less and less now) but it can be extremely difficult to understand at first (and actually all the time!).
Point is - this is not your fault and to be fair, it's not her's either. It's a hard thing for both of you to be dealing with.
IMO best thing you do and have a proper chat - get both of your feelings out in the open and try and deal with it going forward.
Good luck - it will get easier!
Thanks again.
Marriage counselling will be hard as she has never admitted that it might be her. Actually this has got a lot worse since the menopause. Everyone else is at fault and never her. She will not even admit that the menopause has had an effect on her.
We have never had any time away. I have an office in central London, about 1.5 hours by train. I am trying to make the effort to go at least once a week. Travel is at my cost as i work for a start up. Whenever I go in, i feel free and relaxed. I spoke to my wife about us buying a flat in London, but this would make her commute hard and would then mean that i lived in the flat and her on her own in the family home. Effectively splitting up. The latest disagreement is all about this.
I will see if a simple airbnb without the kids could be an option for one weekend. You are right, this is worth a go.
Marriage counselling will be hard as she has never admitted that it might be her. Actually this has got a lot worse since the menopause. Everyone else is at fault and never her. She will not even admit that the menopause has had an effect on her.
We have never had any time away. I have an office in central London, about 1.5 hours by train. I am trying to make the effort to go at least once a week. Travel is at my cost as i work for a start up. Whenever I go in, i feel free and relaxed. I spoke to my wife about us buying a flat in London, but this would make her commute hard and would then mean that i lived in the flat and her on her own in the family home. Effectively splitting up. The latest disagreement is all about this.
I will see if a simple airbnb without the kids could be an option for one weekend. You are right, this is worth a go.
ThrowWrench said:
Recently she has started to ask friends from work advice and help with things that she would have spoken to me about. They are always more understanding and dont talk down to her. I sit at home and fester thinking that maybe it is me and i am a horrible person. I have lost all confidence and this is effecting my work.
Firstly, sorry to hear. As others have suggested, don't get back into drinking.Edited by ThrowWrench on Tuesday 25th July 09:42
I quoted the above as it stuck out. Not because I want to criticise but just that you're obviously aware that your approach is not coming across in the way it's intended. This suggests a definite breakdown in both of your perceptions of how you interact with each other.
I've friends like this and it doesn't matter what one says, the other takes it in the worst possible way (and vice versa). From a neutral perspective it looks completely inoculous but I think growing tensions lead to this situation. Obviously if you are talking down to her then you can change this but possibly you're not but need to change the delivery, if that's how she feels.
You're clearly not a horrible person as you're acknowledging there's a problem and want to solve it. It's how you do it.
As others have suggested, you need to have a frank conversation. Tell her how you feel and that you're not an enemy or trying to cause upset. If you're still in love with her and want to work it out then she needs to know. If she's on the same page you can exchange perspectives and go from there.
All the best with it..
ThrowWrench said:
Thanks again.
Marriage counselling will be hard as she has never admitted that it might be her. Actually this has got a lot worse since the menopause. Everyone else is at fault and never her. She will not even admit that the menopause has had an effect on her.
It isn't her though, it's 'us' iyswim, as an entry point. The time to unpick things is when you're with the counsellor who can take a dispassionate view.Marriage counselling will be hard as she has never admitted that it might be her. Actually this has got a lot worse since the menopause. Everyone else is at fault and never her. She will not even admit that the menopause has had an effect on her.
Bonefish Blues said:
It isn't her though, it's 'us' iyswim, as an entry point. The time to unpick things is when you're with the counsellor who can take a dispassionate view.
Valid view point.I am no going to say much other than to add my sympathies, we're mid 30s with an 18 month old child and presumably no menopause, but I can also relate very much to a lot of what's being said at the moment, its not easy and I feel the pain.
I can empathise OP.
My wife experienced a stress breakdown during Covid from work (she earns more than me too and is similar to your wife I suspect). She then entered menopause and her daughter - my stepdaughter went through mental issues that saw her hospitalised for 3 months.
With all this going on I supported her as best I new how and encouraged her to make friends, take up a hobby or sport - she had none.
She joined a hiking group, made a friend with an ex-colleague…
I thought things were improving only to be asked for a divorce…she had met someone on her hiking group, her new friends were offering advice that I was holding her back.
Messy divorce.
I have since met someone else and I’m happy and moving on.
My advice echoes others: speak to your wife and see of you can address the drifting apart. I thought I was doing well keeping my wife happy only to learn I wasn’t!
All the best
My wife experienced a stress breakdown during Covid from work (she earns more than me too and is similar to your wife I suspect). She then entered menopause and her daughter - my stepdaughter went through mental issues that saw her hospitalised for 3 months.
With all this going on I supported her as best I new how and encouraged her to make friends, take up a hobby or sport - she had none.
She joined a hiking group, made a friend with an ex-colleague…
I thought things were improving only to be asked for a divorce…she had met someone on her hiking group, her new friends were offering advice that I was holding her back.
Messy divorce.
I have since met someone else and I’m happy and moving on.
My advice echoes others: speak to your wife and see of you can address the drifting apart. I thought I was doing well keeping my wife happy only to learn I wasn’t!
All the best
Bentdick said:
Using my hideaway account
You both need time together, take a month holiday, get back to enjoying each others company.
Forget about work, its not the most important thing in your lives.
Sex life probably down the pan, either get your testosterone levels checked and on to trt, same for wife checked and onto hrt.
OR just do as we did, go diy, buy testosterone propionate 200mg 10ml vial mix with 20ml dmso, apply half a ml eod to scrotum and apply to wife's clitoris, she will get some clitoris enlargement and both your libidos will ramp right up, you will be at it like a pair of teenagers within a week.
Don't forget take a break from it after a month to stop any unwanted sides, keep an eye on blood pressure, become blood donors and things should be OK to cycle on and off.
No doubt it isn't for everyone BUT it works for us...
(as long as your comfortable with all associated risks)
I suspect this advice is about as useful to the OP at the moment as a...................well a bent dick.You both need time together, take a month holiday, get back to enjoying each others company.
Forget about work, its not the most important thing in your lives.
Sex life probably down the pan, either get your testosterone levels checked and on to trt, same for wife checked and onto hrt.
OR just do as we did, go diy, buy testosterone propionate 200mg 10ml vial mix with 20ml dmso, apply half a ml eod to scrotum and apply to wife's clitoris, she will get some clitoris enlargement and both your libidos will ramp right up, you will be at it like a pair of teenagers within a week.
Don't forget take a break from it after a month to stop any unwanted sides, keep an eye on blood pressure, become blood donors and things should be OK to cycle on and off.
No doubt it isn't for everyone BUT it works for us...
(as long as your comfortable with all associated risks)
Edited by Bentdick on Tuesday 25th July 15:40
I've never been married, nor had kids (but then I'm not quite 30 yet) but I have struggled - and probably will all my life - with mental health. Lots of things that you have said in your post shout potential depression to me. With that in mind, your first action should be to speak to your GP to start the treatment process for it, whether that is tablets, therapy etc.
When you are in the depths of depression, it really can make you feel like nothing is going to be good ever again, and all alcohol does is numb those feelings. I was in a pretty bad place this time last year (career issues, stuck living with parents, went through a bad breakup, the list goes on). It all added up to what I consider to be the worst year of my life, and there were times where it could have ended up being my last year. However, I was lucky to be able to recognise the signs and learnt anxiety coping strategies, spent time talking through my issues with friends and family, and I'm now in probably the best place mentally in my adult life.
All of the above is a bit of a rambling way to say it does get better - you've taken the first step of asking for help here, now it is time to speak to the professionals. It can be tricky finding the support, and private is often the way to go
When you are in the depths of depression, it really can make you feel like nothing is going to be good ever again, and all alcohol does is numb those feelings. I was in a pretty bad place this time last year (career issues, stuck living with parents, went through a bad breakup, the list goes on). It all added up to what I consider to be the worst year of my life, and there were times where it could have ended up being my last year. However, I was lucky to be able to recognise the signs and learnt anxiety coping strategies, spent time talking through my issues with friends and family, and I'm now in probably the best place mentally in my adult life.
All of the above is a bit of a rambling way to say it does get better - you've taken the first step of asking for help here, now it is time to speak to the professionals. It can be tricky finding the support, and private is often the way to go
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