Male Friendship Recession
Discussion
I just came across this:
https://apple.news/AH_0XbUoOTZao3ovTXKfZRA
Very interesting. We have a group of friends based on couples, the girls are great at organising get togethers.
The boys? Utter s
te… I try, but my god it is hard work and I don’t get why it has to be
https://apple.news/AH_0XbUoOTZao3ovTXKfZRA
Very interesting. We have a group of friends based on couples, the girls are great at organising get togethers.
The boys? Utter s
te… I try, but my god it is hard work and I don’t get why it has to beIt's a problem I feel deeply at the moment
Mine and my wife's social life was mostly just the two of us. She had a huge group of friends but getting together was a lunchtime thing, they were mostly school gate friendships so it was easy to do so as the kids became full time at school. As more and more of her group returned to work part, then full time the opportunities became fewer and fewer but they kept it going but always during the day, not evenings so it was always all girls, never husbands as well.
For my part, I have a small circle of friends anyway whom I have known since before marriage and kids (30+years) and the time pressures that brings. At least weekly went to monthly then six monthly and sometimes longer. In some cases, we were drifting apart as the things we had in common began to stop (car related mainly), in others I tried really hard to keep in touch and arrange things only but it was hard work and there is only so much you can do. I always saw two of them regularly, but 'regularly' was every few months at best.
Then my wife was ill, and she passed away last year. A few came to the funeral, and there was lots of 'keep in touch' and 'must get together soon' but it never happens and there is only so much I can do. It's tough enough as it is without feeling like I am begging people to spend time with me. I saw one of them and his wife in December and another about six weeks ago and that's it. I know in one case he definitely acknowledges that he is poor at keeping in touch generally and that he should do more, but doesn't. Even at the periods when my wife was really unwell, contact was only every few months, to the extent that she was some months into treatment before they even knew she was ill and several months later at the next time they got in touch, I could only tell them that things had gone really bad and she probably only had a few weeks left. I have to be honest and say if it had been the other way around, I would have called him up every few weeks.
One mate is good at keeping in touch, and I'm very grateful. It's a favour returned really as I was there for him during some tough times (that are still hanging around a bit now) but I can't expect him to always be asking me to go and do stuff.
I can't explain why it's such a thing, they are interesting people and we always have lots to talk about but some of them don't seem to bother with anyone (it's not just me/my situation)
I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Mine and my wife's social life was mostly just the two of us. She had a huge group of friends but getting together was a lunchtime thing, they were mostly school gate friendships so it was easy to do so as the kids became full time at school. As more and more of her group returned to work part, then full time the opportunities became fewer and fewer but they kept it going but always during the day, not evenings so it was always all girls, never husbands as well.
For my part, I have a small circle of friends anyway whom I have known since before marriage and kids (30+years) and the time pressures that brings. At least weekly went to monthly then six monthly and sometimes longer. In some cases, we were drifting apart as the things we had in common began to stop (car related mainly), in others I tried really hard to keep in touch and arrange things only but it was hard work and there is only so much you can do. I always saw two of them regularly, but 'regularly' was every few months at best.
Then my wife was ill, and she passed away last year. A few came to the funeral, and there was lots of 'keep in touch' and 'must get together soon' but it never happens and there is only so much I can do. It's tough enough as it is without feeling like I am begging people to spend time with me. I saw one of them and his wife in December and another about six weeks ago and that's it. I know in one case he definitely acknowledges that he is poor at keeping in touch generally and that he should do more, but doesn't. Even at the periods when my wife was really unwell, contact was only every few months, to the extent that she was some months into treatment before they even knew she was ill and several months later at the next time they got in touch, I could only tell them that things had gone really bad and she probably only had a few weeks left. I have to be honest and say if it had been the other way around, I would have called him up every few weeks.
One mate is good at keeping in touch, and I'm very grateful. It's a favour returned really as I was there for him during some tough times (that are still hanging around a bit now) but I can't expect him to always be asking me to go and do stuff.
I can't explain why it's such a thing, they are interesting people and we always have lots to talk about but some of them don't seem to bother with anyone (it's not just me/my situation)
I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
edited to update
The following post was not in response to LastPoster. I have real empathy for the situation lastposter is in and hope the find a circle of friends they can rely on. I will say that men, in general, do not put effort into maintaining relationships and just rely on stuff happening. I know of others who use group chats to maintain a connection and keep it fresh allowing for easier scheduling.
Anyway, back to my original post,
I find it the opposite. The women seem to need months of advance notice to plan anything and there is a greater than 75% failure rate even then. They have unrealistic expectations of all or nothing. If one drops out they all drop out.
My male circle require a three word text message to plan. "Beer, tonight Charley's?" and that is it. The time, date, and location are all set and who will turn out might be a mystery but that is part of the fun. Alternatively, you get a 2 letter response "in" which is an unwavering commitment to the cause. Some hold "in" more sacred than "I do."
The following post was not in response to LastPoster. I have real empathy for the situation lastposter is in and hope the find a circle of friends they can rely on. I will say that men, in general, do not put effort into maintaining relationships and just rely on stuff happening. I know of others who use group chats to maintain a connection and keep it fresh allowing for easier scheduling.
Anyway, back to my original post,
I find it the opposite. The women seem to need months of advance notice to plan anything and there is a greater than 75% failure rate even then. They have unrealistic expectations of all or nothing. If one drops out they all drop out.
My male circle require a three word text message to plan. "Beer, tonight Charley's?" and that is it. The time, date, and location are all set and who will turn out might be a mystery but that is part of the fun. Alternatively, you get a 2 letter response "in" which is an unwavering commitment to the cause. Some hold "in" more sacred than "I do."
Edited by h0b0 on Tuesday 18th July 16:45
LastPoster said:
It's a problem I feel deeply at the moment ...
I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Tough read, and my condolences. I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Your circumstances might be more extreme than most, but I suspect the characteristics you've described are common. I certainly see in my circle that when we meet-up it's like we last met yesterday, and the banter pretty much picks up where it left off, but the gaps between these reunions can in fact be very lengthy.
Do you have 'virtual friends' that you keep in touch with via WhatsApp and the like? They can often feel more accessible for men I think.
CharlesdeGaulle said:
LastPoster said:
It's a problem I feel deeply at the moment ...
I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Tough read, and my condolences. I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Your circumstances might be more extreme than most, but I suspect the characteristics you've described are common. I certainly see in my circle that when we meet-up it's like we last met yesterday, and the banter pretty much picks up where it left off, but the gaps between these reunions can in fact be very lengthy.
Do you have 'virtual friends' that you keep in touch with via WhatsApp and the like? They can often feel more accessible for men I think.
LastPoster - have you looked at joining hobby or sports clubs, or even the "men shed" system??
CharlesdeGaulle said:
LastPoster said:
It's a problem I feel deeply at the moment ...
I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Tough read, and my condolences. I don't normally open up on the internet, that was really hard to type. Be nice!
Your circumstances might be more extreme than most, but I suspect the characteristics you've described are common.
.
Isolation and loneliness is a male disease, but one with a cure. In our area I know the Mans Shed has started up, as my Masonic Lodge sent them a donation & they are going from strength to strength. I know the Scouts are crying out for mature helpers. In fact there are many organisations that would welcome you with open arms, the first and hardest step is the one out of your front door.
You are far from the only one in this position, take the next step, trust me the world is full of potential friends you've not met yet.
Thanks for the kind words
I don't feel lonely in the traditional sense as yet, two sons still at home and a job that takes me around a few sites helps
I do fear for the future though. 53 is no age to abandon dreams of travel and holidays etc etc so I will have to make it work somehow even if it's not how I would have liked (with my wife)
I have joined a gym, it's not sociable, but it gets me out the house. Lockdown wasn't helpful having lost loads of weight in 18/19. Being at home all last year to be near my wife was worse but I would of course do it all again if I could. But in about four months I have lost 10 kilos and getting back towards my 2020 parkrun times.
I have registered to do a friendship group walk thing in the next few days, the thought of it takes me way out of my comfort zone but you have to try.
Having done some internet research there does seem to bit a bit of gap for my age. Lots of groups up to about 45 then lots aimed at retirement type ages. Not so much in between, we will have to see. My Mum lost my Dad at the same age as I am now. there was a lot of things she was able to do, some of the new friends she made (she already had a lot of friends but this was about women in the same situation) she is still friends with 25+ years on.
Enough about me though, I just really wanted to make it clear this is a very real thing. If one person reads this and gives their mates a shout about meeting up, that's enough for me.
I don't feel lonely in the traditional sense as yet, two sons still at home and a job that takes me around a few sites helps
I do fear for the future though. 53 is no age to abandon dreams of travel and holidays etc etc so I will have to make it work somehow even if it's not how I would have liked (with my wife)
I have joined a gym, it's not sociable, but it gets me out the house. Lockdown wasn't helpful having lost loads of weight in 18/19. Being at home all last year to be near my wife was worse but I would of course do it all again if I could. But in about four months I have lost 10 kilos and getting back towards my 2020 parkrun times.
I have registered to do a friendship group walk thing in the next few days, the thought of it takes me way out of my comfort zone but you have to try.
Having done some internet research there does seem to bit a bit of gap for my age. Lots of groups up to about 45 then lots aimed at retirement type ages. Not so much in between, we will have to see. My Mum lost my Dad at the same age as I am now. there was a lot of things she was able to do, some of the new friends she made (she already had a lot of friends but this was about women in the same situation) she is still friends with 25+ years on.
Enough about me though, I just really wanted to make it clear this is a very real thing. If one person reads this and gives their mates a shout about meeting up, that's enough for me.
A season ticket to the football is a brilliant thing.
I had a couple for a while in the 2010's and went back in for them after Covid.
I have a huge and varied social life through them. And it's all laid on for us. All we have to do is get there early/be around at half time/stay after. Easy,
Loads of dads and lads although not all blokes by any means.
It cuts across ages and backgrounds like nothing else.
I had a couple for a while in the 2010's and went back in for them after Covid.
I have a huge and varied social life through them. And it's all laid on for us. All we have to do is get there early/be around at half time/stay after. Easy,
Loads of dads and lads although not all blokes by any means.
It cuts across ages and backgrounds like nothing else.
Male friendships are built around doing things together. Sports, DIY whatever with the friendship being secondary. Female friendships are much more about the friendship and any activity is secondary.
Thus when women turn up and say let's meet or friends, no don't go do whatever, then men see their friends less often unless they deliberately make an effort or find new activities to fit( eg children).
Thus when women turn up and say let's meet or friends, no don't go do whatever, then men see their friends less often unless they deliberately make an effort or find new activities to fit( eg children).
This is very common. I see my two closest friends together maybe twice a year. I see them individually probably 5 or 6. Started to really degrade when they both got into relationships (I was in one early so learnt very quickly to adapt and ensure I still allocated them time) They really struggle to do the same and will always complain but despite me routinely trying it's nigh on impossible to get them to break away, even for an evening. I think it boils down to the person, I think I went out more once I had a girlfriend than the opposite!
h0b0 said:
edited to update
The following post was not in response to LastPoster. I have real empathy for the situation lastposter is in and hope the find a circle of friends they can rely on. I will say that men, in general, do not put effort into maintaining relationships and just rely on stuff happening. I know of others who use group chats to maintain a connection and keep it fresh allowing for easier scheduling.
Anyway, back to my original post,
I find it the opposite. The women seem to need months of advance notice to plan anything and there is a greater than 75% failure rate even then. They have unrealistic expectations of all or nothing. If one drops out they all drop out.
My male circle require a three word text message to plan. "Beer, tonight Charley's?" and that is it. The time, date, and location are all set and who will turn out might be a mystery but that is part of the fun. Alternatively, you get a 2 letter response "in" which is an unwavering commitment to the cause. Some hold "in" more sacred than "I do."
I wish it was like that, getting my mates together is like a fThe following post was not in response to LastPoster. I have real empathy for the situation lastposter is in and hope the find a circle of friends they can rely on. I will say that men, in general, do not put effort into maintaining relationships and just rely on stuff happening. I know of others who use group chats to maintain a connection and keep it fresh allowing for easier scheduling.
Anyway, back to my original post,
I find it the opposite. The women seem to need months of advance notice to plan anything and there is a greater than 75% failure rate even then. They have unrealistic expectations of all or nothing. If one drops out they all drop out.
My male circle require a three word text message to plan. "Beer, tonight Charley's?" and that is it. The time, date, and location are all set and who will turn out might be a mystery but that is part of the fun. Alternatively, you get a 2 letter response "in" which is an unwavering commitment to the cause. Some hold "in" more sacred than "I do."
Edited by h0b0 on Tuesday 18th July 16:45
king military operation, I know if I sent a message that said “beer’s tonight, Smiths 7:30” I’d be there by myself because they are all so busy ziggy328 said:
Personally, it doesn't bother me at all. Blokes just being blokes.
I can always keep myself occupied - never bored plus, in my own company, I have never once irritated or annoyed myself.
Wife has a large group of friends and sees them often. Win Win
I wish I could keep myself occupied I can always keep myself occupied - never bored plus, in my own company, I have never once irritated or annoyed myself.
Wife has a large group of friends and sees them often. Win Win
LastPoster said:
Be nice!
I can not be anything but nice to you dude. I've gradually lost alot of friends from beers to eventually WhatsApp friends.
Wtf.
Lockdown was the final nail. Having children being the start.
I was in work recently and walked into another section where I bumped into someone who said 'you used to come all the local parties but we never see you at them now'.
Even my wife says I'm now a hermit.
LastPoster said:
Thanks for the kind words
I don't feel lonely in the traditional sense as yet, two sons still at home and a job that takes me around a few sites helps
I do fear for the future though. 53 is no age to abandon dreams of travel and holidays etc etc so I will have to make it work somehow even if it's not how I would have liked (with my wife)
I have joined a gym, it's not sociable, but it gets me out the house. Lockdown wasn't helpful having lost loads of weight in 18/19. Being at home all last year to be near my wife was worse but I would of course do it all again if I could. But in about four months I have lost 10 kilos and getting back towards my 2020 parkrun times.
I have registered to do a friendship group walk thing in the next few days, the thought of it takes me way out of my comfort zone but you have to try.
Having done some internet research there does seem to bit a bit of gap for my age. Lots of groups up to about 45 then lots aimed at retirement type ages. Not so much in between, we will have to see. My Mum lost my Dad at the same age as I am now. there was a lot of things she was able to do, some of the new friends she made (she already had a lot of friends but this was about women in the same situation) she is still friends with 25+ years on.
Enough about me though, I just really wanted to make it clear this is a very real thing. If one person reads this and gives their mates a shout about meeting up, that's enough for me.
The age point hits home. I have been trying expand my social circle, but there seems to be this void from 40-60 for blokes. It’s all <40 or retiree’s.I don't feel lonely in the traditional sense as yet, two sons still at home and a job that takes me around a few sites helps
I do fear for the future though. 53 is no age to abandon dreams of travel and holidays etc etc so I will have to make it work somehow even if it's not how I would have liked (with my wife)
I have joined a gym, it's not sociable, but it gets me out the house. Lockdown wasn't helpful having lost loads of weight in 18/19. Being at home all last year to be near my wife was worse but I would of course do it all again if I could. But in about four months I have lost 10 kilos and getting back towards my 2020 parkrun times.
I have registered to do a friendship group walk thing in the next few days, the thought of it takes me way out of my comfort zone but you have to try.
Having done some internet research there does seem to bit a bit of gap for my age. Lots of groups up to about 45 then lots aimed at retirement type ages. Not so much in between, we will have to see. My Mum lost my Dad at the same age as I am now. there was a lot of things she was able to do, some of the new friends she made (she already had a lot of friends but this was about women in the same situation) she is still friends with 25+ years on.
Enough about me though, I just really wanted to make it clear this is a very real thing. If one person reads this and gives their mates a shout about meeting up, that's enough for me.
Why does everyone assume the middle aged male has got it all sorted?
I can relate to some of the comments. When I left school most of my male friends all went off to Uni all over the country. I remained local and started working straight after school. I have no friends from my school age and the people I normally socialise with were just colleagues at work.
Then when I met my wife I inherited her huge group of female friends and their husbands as friends. She was also more confident than me and would talk to the school mums and again I would inherit new friends and husbands/ partners.
As I’ve mentioned in other threads, my wife died in 2021 and at the age of late 40s I have absolutely no one. When she died many kept in touch but over the last two years I’ve heard nothing from them.
I’m a full time dad and I do nothing but work and earn for my children but as I type this I’m thinking about going to bed and it’s 18:30!
I’ve probably got another 40 years of this. Not looking forward to it
It’s a circle of not really wanting to go out , so I’m lazy at contacting people and I’m “happy” just sat in doors feeling sorry for myself . I get the occasional message about a meet up or a drink but I’ve always got the children to consider such as who will cook for them , who will iron their clothes and they always text me to ask me when I’m coming home if I do go out. Easier to have a shower, do some Lego and climb into bed watching old Top Gear repeats which take me back to when things were good in my life.
Then when I met my wife I inherited her huge group of female friends and their husbands as friends. She was also more confident than me and would talk to the school mums and again I would inherit new friends and husbands/ partners.
As I’ve mentioned in other threads, my wife died in 2021 and at the age of late 40s I have absolutely no one. When she died many kept in touch but over the last two years I’ve heard nothing from them.
I’m a full time dad and I do nothing but work and earn for my children but as I type this I’m thinking about going to bed and it’s 18:30!
I’ve probably got another 40 years of this. Not looking forward to it
It’s a circle of not really wanting to go out , so I’m lazy at contacting people and I’m “happy” just sat in doors feeling sorry for myself . I get the occasional message about a meet up or a drink but I’ve always got the children to consider such as who will cook for them , who will iron their clothes and they always text me to ask me when I’m coming home if I do go out. Easier to have a shower, do some Lego and climb into bed watching old Top Gear repeats which take me back to when things were good in my life.
Edited by oldaudi on Tuesday 18th July 18:28
oldaudi said:
I can relate to some of the comments. When I left school most of my male friends all went off to Uni all over the country. I remained local and started working straight after school. I have no friends from my school age and the people I normally socialise with were just colleagues at work.
Then when I met my wife I inherited her huge group of female friends and their husbands as friends. She was also more confident than me and would talk to the school mums and again I would inherit new friends and husbands/ partners.
As I’ve mentioned in other threads, my wife died in 2021 and at the age of late 40s I have absolutely no one. When she died many kept in touch but over the last two years I’ve heard nothing from them.
I’m a full time dad and I do nothing but work and earn for my children but as I type this this I’m thinking about going to bed.
I’ve probably got another 40 years of this. Not looking forward to it
I get it. I was just about to start another thread, but here is as good a place as any.Then when I met my wife I inherited her huge group of female friends and their husbands as friends. She was also more confident than me and would talk to the school mums and again I would inherit new friends and husbands/ partners.
As I’ve mentioned in other threads, my wife died in 2021 and at the age of late 40s I have absolutely no one. When she died many kept in touch but over the last two years I’ve heard nothing from them.
I’m a full time dad and I do nothing but work and earn for my children but as I type this this I’m thinking about going to bed.
I’ve probably got another 40 years of this. Not looking forward to it
Have a nice evening. What’s that about them? Everyone says it, but we all know we are all going to sit in front of the TV… wow
said:
Going back to visit I know absolutely no one. I used to bump into people that I knew on every street corner, bar etc.
Now some probably came back and live in Shelley, Holmfirth etc and stay in. Infront of the TV or travel to work. Or some have been lost through service etc but it's like a void isn't it?
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