Discussion
Lately I have been suffering from extreme ambivalence.
I’m not sure when it started, but I feel completely detached from everything.
Work. Home. Hobbies.
Like I’m just going through the motions.
If I decided to stop, or change tack, that I just couldn’t care less about the outcome.
This is the third time I have drafted this post.
I’m going to the gym.
Sorted my finances out a few years ago, and those plans are going well.
Marriage is great. Happy there.
Sex a couple of times a week.
Kids are doing well.
Just feel like it’s a tread mill.
That none of it matters.
Just keep walking down the same road, doing the same actions, getting the same rewards, only every year it gets a little harder, and you get a little weaker, so you can end up p**sing yourself in a home somewhere.
But like some sort of Kafka meets Hitchcock nightmare all the alternatives are just more roads in the same endless plain.
Every good thing that happens I feel that other people are more excited for me on my behalf than I am.
I do feel pressure to conform to other people’s idea of how to respond.
I don’t really want to talk it all out with my wife because it’ll become a big deal & she will want to fix it.
I’m being very careful not to be self destructive, to push boundaries looking for a response or feedback.
Just because I don’t really care doesn’t mean I want to blow stuff up.
Hopefully it’ll pass.
I’m not sure when it started, but I feel completely detached from everything.
Work. Home. Hobbies.
Like I’m just going through the motions.
If I decided to stop, or change tack, that I just couldn’t care less about the outcome.
This is the third time I have drafted this post.
I’m going to the gym.
Sorted my finances out a few years ago, and those plans are going well.
Marriage is great. Happy there.
Sex a couple of times a week.
Kids are doing well.
Just feel like it’s a tread mill.
That none of it matters.
Just keep walking down the same road, doing the same actions, getting the same rewards, only every year it gets a little harder, and you get a little weaker, so you can end up p**sing yourself in a home somewhere.
But like some sort of Kafka meets Hitchcock nightmare all the alternatives are just more roads in the same endless plain.
Every good thing that happens I feel that other people are more excited for me on my behalf than I am.
I do feel pressure to conform to other people’s idea of how to respond.
I don’t really want to talk it all out with my wife because it’ll become a big deal & she will want to fix it.
I’m being very careful not to be self destructive, to push boundaries looking for a response or feedback.
Just because I don’t really care doesn’t mean I want to blow stuff up.
Hopefully it’ll pass.
I was in exactly your situation at 48 years old.
In my younger days I was a competitive racing cyclist, and that stopped when I married and kids came along. Everything just jogged along as yourself, so I set a challenge.
To cycle solo, unassisted from Lands End to Cape Wrath, taking a week at a time over 3 years.
That involved training, logistics, challenges, and all that goes with it.
It gave me a focus, and the everyday things didn't cause me so much lethargy.
So set a physical challenge, and go for it!!
In my younger days I was a competitive racing cyclist, and that stopped when I married and kids came along. Everything just jogged along as yourself, so I set a challenge.
To cycle solo, unassisted from Lands End to Cape Wrath, taking a week at a time over 3 years.
That involved training, logistics, challenges, and all that goes with it.
It gave me a focus, and the everyday things didn't cause me so much lethargy.
So set a physical challenge, and go for it!!
Sounds a bit like the 'Chose life' speech at the start of trainspotting. Most people buy into the "go to university, get a job, get a career, meet a girl, buy a house, get a mortgage, have 2.4 children, make your way up the corporate ladder, pay into a pension until you are able to retire etc." as this is drummed into us from birth and constantly reiterated by the media and people we are surrounded by.
It's no wonder people get to middle age, see the end come into sight and start to wonder if it was actually what they wanted and if they would do things differently if they had their time again.
Modern life is hard and people are under way more stress and responsibilities than at any time before. It is quite easy to look back with rose tinted spectacles to when you were early 20s when life was much simpler with no responsibility and everything was new and exciting. Before you know it you are listening to Britpop and looking at 80s/90s hot hatches on eBay.
Whenever I go to visit my parents they are constantly listening to a 60s/70s radio station, again in some small way nostalgically relieving their youth. Me, I have a playlist of 80s and 90s songs which basically end when Britpop ended.
Would I back to 1995 driving around in my Fiat Uno Turbo with my friends in the car listening to Parklife? Absof
kinglutely
It's no wonder people get to middle age, see the end come into sight and start to wonder if it was actually what they wanted and if they would do things differently if they had their time again.
Modern life is hard and people are under way more stress and responsibilities than at any time before. It is quite easy to look back with rose tinted spectacles to when you were early 20s when life was much simpler with no responsibility and everything was new and exciting. Before you know it you are listening to Britpop and looking at 80s/90s hot hatches on eBay.
Whenever I go to visit my parents they are constantly listening to a 60s/70s radio station, again in some small way nostalgically relieving their youth. Me, I have a playlist of 80s and 90s songs which basically end when Britpop ended.
Would I back to 1995 driving around in my Fiat Uno Turbo with my friends in the car listening to Parklife? Absof
kinglutelyhttps://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absurdism
there is no purpose to any of this other than to try and enjoy it
there is no purpose to any of this other than to try and enjoy it
This hit me when I just cleared 50.
I had a career, one I treated seriously. Suddenly, I realised no one gave a damn. A colleague died at 45 and I spoke with his wife when I went to see him near the end. She said he was always going to do more with the kids. He'd got closer to them during his illness than he ever had and she said how pleased she was with that small crumb. I was the only person from work who'd gone to see him when he was on his last legs. The top brass turned up at the funeral, full of praise, with lovely speeches written by someone who knew him and probably gave a damn.
I did an inventory of my life. I hardly saw my first two kids during their formative years - they turned out really great, and better than me at being a parent rather than just a provider - and I realised what she was telling me was a warning.
I was lucky in that I had two younger kids and I was able to change so that I could do more with them. My youngest played rugby well, and I was able to take him all over the country in competitions, and then support him at his clubs. I still feel angry that I was too stupid to do the same with my elder two. A bit 'what might have been?' sort of thing.
They say that the worst punishment in Hell is seeing how your life would have been different if you'd made better critical and important decisions.
If I want to feel really down, depressed for days, I can always think back to concentrating on my career. I realised it was ephemeral nearly too late to salvage a little. I tend not to think back on my life too often, but when I do, or it comes up in conversation, the high points are always those which my kids and wife feature. I've saved the lives of five people directly. I'm chuffed with that, but for my 50th anniversary party, my four kids and their partners were standing together, talking and laughing together. I nearly cried with happiness.
You can always improve your quality of life. For me, it was concentrating on people, particularly mine.
I had a career, one I treated seriously. Suddenly, I realised no one gave a damn. A colleague died at 45 and I spoke with his wife when I went to see him near the end. She said he was always going to do more with the kids. He'd got closer to them during his illness than he ever had and she said how pleased she was with that small crumb. I was the only person from work who'd gone to see him when he was on his last legs. The top brass turned up at the funeral, full of praise, with lovely speeches written by someone who knew him and probably gave a damn.
I did an inventory of my life. I hardly saw my first two kids during their formative years - they turned out really great, and better than me at being a parent rather than just a provider - and I realised what she was telling me was a warning.
I was lucky in that I had two younger kids and I was able to change so that I could do more with them. My youngest played rugby well, and I was able to take him all over the country in competitions, and then support him at his clubs. I still feel angry that I was too stupid to do the same with my elder two. A bit 'what might have been?' sort of thing.
They say that the worst punishment in Hell is seeing how your life would have been different if you'd made better critical and important decisions.
If I want to feel really down, depressed for days, I can always think back to concentrating on my career. I realised it was ephemeral nearly too late to salvage a little. I tend not to think back on my life too often, but when I do, or it comes up in conversation, the high points are always those which my kids and wife feature. I've saved the lives of five people directly. I'm chuffed with that, but for my 50th anniversary party, my four kids and their partners were standing together, talking and laughing together. I nearly cried with happiness.
You can always improve your quality of life. For me, it was concentrating on people, particularly mine.
I'm no psychoanalyst but it sounds like a slow descent into midlife ennui. Happens to most of us. 
Your life may seem perfect, but therein lies the problem. You probably need a new quest - a trip to the South Pole on foot, or something like that. Just remember lots of people don't have financial / family stability - so this is something to build on. Involve the family in the discussion about change.
Your life may seem perfect, but therein lies the problem. You probably need a new quest - a trip to the South Pole on foot, or something like that. Just remember lots of people don't have financial / family stability - so this is something to build on. Involve the family in the discussion about change.OP, I think your ‘problem’ is both widespread and ancient…
I’m pleased some people have already given philosophical based responses.
Anyway like I said, an old problem. Aristotle nailed it. He said there were two kinds of activities that contribute to meaningful life: telic activities, and atelic activities. (Telos is Greek for ‘purpose’).
Telic activities are activities with a purpose, or towards goal. Unfortunately they can never give you lasting satisfaction. If you fail to achieve the goal, you are dissatisfied. If you realise or achieve the goal, the problem here is one we all know… once we’ve achieved that, we’re almost immediately dissatisfied. The pleasure is short lived.
Aristotle suggested that atelic activities are what we need to do to get satisfaction from life. Remember, they are things you do without any goal in mind. activities you do for their own sake. Going for a walk, spending time with family, whatever really, just do enjoyable and aimless things for their own sake and abandon goals.
How many of the things you said were just not satisfying are telic activities? How many of these things do you do with a goal in mind?
I think Aristotle had it pretty right, but if you want a more depressing/pessimistic version, in line with your post/current mood, you can read some Schopenhauer. He viewed life a pendulum always moving back and forth between the dissatisfaction of unmet desires and boredom, the boredom of satiation and lack of desire after you’ve fulfilled a desire. He thus came to believe that life is futile and even argued it was a cosmic mistake - that we would all be better off had we never even existed.
I’m pleased some people have already given philosophical based responses.
Anyway like I said, an old problem. Aristotle nailed it. He said there were two kinds of activities that contribute to meaningful life: telic activities, and atelic activities. (Telos is Greek for ‘purpose’).
Telic activities are activities with a purpose, or towards goal. Unfortunately they can never give you lasting satisfaction. If you fail to achieve the goal, you are dissatisfied. If you realise or achieve the goal, the problem here is one we all know… once we’ve achieved that, we’re almost immediately dissatisfied. The pleasure is short lived.
Aristotle suggested that atelic activities are what we need to do to get satisfaction from life. Remember, they are things you do without any goal in mind. activities you do for their own sake. Going for a walk, spending time with family, whatever really, just do enjoyable and aimless things for their own sake and abandon goals.
How many of the things you said were just not satisfying are telic activities? How many of these things do you do with a goal in mind?
I think Aristotle had it pretty right, but if you want a more depressing/pessimistic version, in line with your post/current mood, you can read some Schopenhauer. He viewed life a pendulum always moving back and forth between the dissatisfaction of unmet desires and boredom, the boredom of satiation and lack of desire after you’ve fulfilled a desire. He thus came to believe that life is futile and even argued it was a cosmic mistake - that we would all be better off had we never even existed.
CelebrationSport said:
I’m 31 and often ponder the same thing. Then I get up and go to work and go through the motions again.
When I was 28, I found myself telling new lads in the factory I was working exactly the same things I was told a dozen years previously, using the same tone. I knew the guy would leave the room, and tell his colleagues the sad old bloke in the Monotype room had just said, and laughed.I applied for the police. A complete change from anything I'd done before. It was invigorating. That lasted nearly 25 years, so a good move. I, like a lot of joiners, thought I could make a difference to the lives of victims and a bigger difference to offenders. After a while, I came to hate some of the briefs I had to deal with. They were worse than the offenders, many of whom I got to like. I would walk through Brighton and blokes I'd nicked years before would come up to me for a chat. One lad came with his wife and baby, and introduced them to my wife and me. It sounds bizarre.
I once nicked a guy for a bit under £5 nicked from a shop. I spoke with one bloke on the fraud unit for the City/Met who was furious because a big job he was working on, with £millions involved, was costing too much and it was stopped with the high-ups, bank managers and partners, left to carry on.
It's a wonder I lasted until 50-odd.
I kind of get this and as others have said, I believe it’s primarily because I’m ‘comfortable’ - good marriage, career etc - so my caveman brain isn’t having to sharpen sticks and fight tigers anymore.
I find my sensible mind has taken over almost completely now. I’ll spend a large amount (for me) on a tangible investment but have £30 t-shirts sitting in my shopping basket for months. I’d love a sports car and can get sometime, but end up putting the money into savings to ‘do the loft’ one day. As I type that I think I might just sod it and get something daft, even if the kids won’t fit.
We have 2 children - 3 and 3 months. I thank Covid every day for the change in working practices which mean I’ve spent more time with my 3 year old already than my dad did with me over my whole childhood (and my boy is in nursery 5 days a week still!). I’m 46 too, so came to fatherhood a bit later, so that’s in the mix too, I’m sure.
I see a therapist weekly - it’s my main indulgence and brilliant to get a different perspective on things. I’d do that again before paying the same for a new toy.
I find my sensible mind has taken over almost completely now. I’ll spend a large amount (for me) on a tangible investment but have £30 t-shirts sitting in my shopping basket for months. I’d love a sports car and can get sometime, but end up putting the money into savings to ‘do the loft’ one day. As I type that I think I might just sod it and get something daft, even if the kids won’t fit.
We have 2 children - 3 and 3 months. I thank Covid every day for the change in working practices which mean I’ve spent more time with my 3 year old already than my dad did with me over my whole childhood (and my boy is in nursery 5 days a week still!). I’m 46 too, so came to fatherhood a bit later, so that’s in the mix too, I’m sure.
I see a therapist weekly - it’s my main indulgence and brilliant to get a different perspective on things. I’d do that again before paying the same for a new toy.
Basically your life is too comfortable. You need some excitement, something daring, some jeopardy!!
Cash in all of your net equity and put it on red or black.
By nightfall you’ll either be twice as well off and able to spend your days as you wish - life changing!
Or you’ll have a proper purpose tomorrow morning as you wake up s asked realise you need to work your arse off to sort the life changing mess you’ve landed yourself in.
Cash in all of your net equity and put it on red or black.
By nightfall you’ll either be twice as well off and able to spend your days as you wish - life changing!
Or you’ll have a proper purpose tomorrow morning as you wake up s asked realise you need to work your arse off to sort the life changing mess you’ve landed yourself in.
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