Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR)
Discussion
I have a son who's had some issues with depression and anxiety and has self medicated with Cannabis. He has also said that he has been diagnosed with ADHD but had to obtain a prescription privately for some reason? He has said that he is angry that his mother and I didn't obtain a diagnosis when he was a child. Unfortunately he has often come across as being selfish and self obsessed. He can be very manipulative, especially around money which he spends like there's no tomorrow. Over the past year though, he has basically said that any of the negative stuff he has done is down to his ADHD. There's not even the smallest hint of personal responsibility.
More recently he has been having counselling and talks about his 'awful childhood'. His mother and I split when he and his brother were about 5 and 6, so I appreciate that would have been traumatic for him, but his mother was a hard worker and gave them both a good life. I've often reminded him of just what a great mum she was, even if I failed them as a father. He and his brother are 30 and 31 respectively but he doesn't appear to be able to move on from his childhood.
Last night he called out of the blue and said that he has been having EMDR with a counsellor. He said that they told him that he is suffering from repressed memories of sexual abuse. As you can imagine, his mother and I are both devastated but know that he (thankfully) suffered no such abuse and/or trauma. He talks about memories he has of this terrible childhood but these memories aren't shared by myself, his mother or his brother. He seems utterly convinced that his counsellor is adamant that this EMDR treatment points to repressed abuse and that his body will allow him to remember when it's ready.
This is a link he sent me that he says told him that his abuse is real. He might not be able to remember anything but the physical symptoms (like anxiety, clenching of muscles, feelings of being uncomfortable in the presence of myself and his mother) are enough.
This is tearing our family apart. We all want him to be well but he's alleging things that just didn't happen and blaming us all for everything he ever did. This most recent thing with the so called abuse is a whole other level though. It just feels as if he's vulnerable and this EMDR thing is playing into his hands. He seems utterly convinced that he's a victim and that excuses everything he ever did.
https://www.kimiyahealing.co.uk/post/how-to-recogn...
Is EMDR something any of you have come across? If honest, that website all sounds a bit cult like but I'm angry that any counsellor would say he'd been sexually abused because of feeling uncomfortable or an inability to make eye contact. There are so many symptoms / signs on that website that I think anyone and everyone could qualify.
I don't know what to do next.
More recently he has been having counselling and talks about his 'awful childhood'. His mother and I split when he and his brother were about 5 and 6, so I appreciate that would have been traumatic for him, but his mother was a hard worker and gave them both a good life. I've often reminded him of just what a great mum she was, even if I failed them as a father. He and his brother are 30 and 31 respectively but he doesn't appear to be able to move on from his childhood.
Last night he called out of the blue and said that he has been having EMDR with a counsellor. He said that they told him that he is suffering from repressed memories of sexual abuse. As you can imagine, his mother and I are both devastated but know that he (thankfully) suffered no such abuse and/or trauma. He talks about memories he has of this terrible childhood but these memories aren't shared by myself, his mother or his brother. He seems utterly convinced that his counsellor is adamant that this EMDR treatment points to repressed abuse and that his body will allow him to remember when it's ready.
This is a link he sent me that he says told him that his abuse is real. He might not be able to remember anything but the physical symptoms (like anxiety, clenching of muscles, feelings of being uncomfortable in the presence of myself and his mother) are enough.
This is tearing our family apart. We all want him to be well but he's alleging things that just didn't happen and blaming us all for everything he ever did. This most recent thing with the so called abuse is a whole other level though. It just feels as if he's vulnerable and this EMDR thing is playing into his hands. He seems utterly convinced that he's a victim and that excuses everything he ever did.
https://www.kimiyahealing.co.uk/post/how-to-recogn...
Is EMDR something any of you have come across? If honest, that website all sounds a bit cult like but I'm angry that any counsellor would say he'd been sexually abused because of feeling uncomfortable or an inability to make eye contact. There are so many symptoms / signs on that website that I think anyone and everyone could qualify.
I don't know what to do next.
EmailAddress said:
This is not how counselling works.
If what he reports as to their comments and recommendations are factual, he is being mis-advised and spoken to inappropriately.
I think you have an extremely difficult and long road ahead of you but you may wish to start with yourself and your own GP, to head towards family counselling through a local NHS approved service that you and your ex can align history with before attempting to bring your son in as a beginning to his healing.
Hopefully then he can branch back out and find out about himself and any issues he may have.
At the minute it sounds like (for want of a better phrase) he's googled the s
t out of it. Found some sites and voices that concur with his perspective and point of view, and is seeking a rapid route (easy) route to a happier place.
As an absent father I would also recommend treading very fking carefully. Not only could you end up in the firing line at worse. At best you may alienate him if you do not place him above yourself at all times. Even any bullst or feelings, memories, and experiences that you can't understand or agree with, or feel he is misrepresenting.
There could be months of you being the bad guy here.
Prioritise life with a happy and healthy child the other side of this heartache. For the moment it's going to be painful.
Many thanks for the reply. I had reached much the same conclusion. I've got a meeting with my GP tomorrow and have suggested that his mother do the same. His brother called a little while ago and basically said that he doesn't want to discuss it. He's tired of it all and has bailed his brother out financially on more than one occasion. I really feel for him. If what he reports as to their comments and recommendations are factual, he is being mis-advised and spoken to inappropriately.
I think you have an extremely difficult and long road ahead of you but you may wish to start with yourself and your own GP, to head towards family counselling through a local NHS approved service that you and your ex can align history with before attempting to bring your son in as a beginning to his healing.
Hopefully then he can branch back out and find out about himself and any issues he may have.
At the minute it sounds like (for want of a better phrase) he's googled the s
t out of it. Found some sites and voices that concur with his perspective and point of view, and is seeking a rapid route (easy) route to a happier place.As an absent father I would also recommend treading very f
king carefully. Not only could you end up in the firing line at worse. At best you may alienate him if you do not place him above yourself at all times. Even any bullst or feelings, memories, and experiences that you can't understand or agree with, or feel he is misrepresenting.There could be months of you being the bad guy here.
Prioritise life with a happy and healthy child the other side of this heartache. For the moment it's going to be painful.
Anyway, thanks again and I'll let you know what my GP advises.
I’ve had EMDR. It’s there to deal with a particular situation and to make it feel safe in the brain, rather than a trauma memory. I had it as treatment for PTSD. This won’t bring out new memories to start a process off. It’s a finishing point when counselling has brought you to your issue nub. Have you looked up his practitioner? There aren’t many trained in it and they will be using equipment such as tappers etc and are heavily regulated.
Bullybutt said:
I’ve had EMDR. It’s there to deal with a particular situation and to make it feel safe in the brain, rather than a trauma memory. I had it as treatment for PTSD. This won’t bring out new memories to start a process off. It’s a finishing point when counselling has brought you to your issue nub. Have you looked up his practitioner? There aren’t many trained in it and they will be using equipment such as tappers etc and are heavily regulated.
Agree EMDR is a relatively new, superficially simple and highly effective therapy in very specific circumstances. As a consequence it's a honey pot for disaffected individuals and quacks.This has red flags all over it. Recovering memories is the hallmark of a rogue practitioner and can be, in a way, a form of grooming, making a client dependent on a therapist to 'find out more about myself'.
I'd check the 'therapist' out on the BACP therapist checker
I agree with the advice of keep a distance and let this play out. If you are seen to be 'interfering' you're into the Kafkaesque realm of 'incriminating' yourself.
I suspect your son is shopping around for answers which absolve him of responsibility for his own wellbeing, choices and circumstances.
oddman said:
I suspect your son is shopping around for answers which absolve him of responsibility for his own wellbeing, choices and circumstances.
This is my own take on things and is what he has done for most of his adult life. I previously encouraged him to attend Narcotics Anonymous and read their literature around personal responsibility. The feelings he has previously described are exactly those that he has spoken about previously but I don't know if I believe that he wants to stop smoking weed and self medicating. Right now I just feel like I'm the target for whatever he has going on, Obviously I want the best for him and to be well but he won't listen to any avdvce I might offer anyway. He's angry that I should even dare to question these most recent claims.
Anyway, thanks for taking time to respond. Mark
Mark-Clio182Trophy said:
Last night he called out of the blue and said that he has been having EMDR with a counsellor. He said that they told him that he is suffering from repressed memories of sexual abuse. As you can imagine, his mother and I are both devastated but know that he (thankfully) suffered no such abuse and/or trauma. He talks about memories he has of this terrible childhood but these memories aren't shared by myself, his mother or his brother. He seems utterly convinced that his counsellor is adamant that this EMDR treatment points to repressed abuse and that his body will allow him to remember when it's ready.
This exact same thing happened to a family relative of my wife. His kids ended up disowning him. He swore blind that the whole thing was absurd and never happened but they wouldn't speak to him. I found it completely bizarre, it was as if they had been hypnotised by the 'councillor'.Is the therapist actually qualified? You don't need to be.
And even if the therapist is qualified, they could "just" be obsessed with childhood sexual trauma (because they're a victim), and everything will probably be viewed through that lens.
Looking at the link you posted, OP, with the number of possible symptoms, I'm sure most people would regard themselves as victims of childhood sexual abuse!
If anything, your son will be expressing the trauma of abandonment.
I don't want to cast aspersions on his therapist as I don't know who it is (hell, I might even know the person!) but it sounds like a great way of keeping a client on their books for a long time.
And even if the therapist is qualified, they could "just" be obsessed with childhood sexual trauma (because they're a victim), and everything will probably be viewed through that lens.
Looking at the link you posted, OP, with the number of possible symptoms, I'm sure most people would regard themselves as victims of childhood sexual abuse!
If anything, your son will be expressing the trauma of abandonment.
I don't want to cast aspersions on his therapist as I don't know who it is (hell, I might even know the person!) but it sounds like a great way of keeping a client on their books for a long time.
I have no personal experience of EMDR other than having friends who have been very happy with it.
However; the description of your son resonates in such a spookily similar way to a family member who having also been diagnosed with ADHD as a 30 year old has turned around and said similar of his parents. Much of it were false memories.
He had also been self medicating (cannabis, LSD, drink etc)
Luckily for his parents he was under the care of multiple mental health teams who in the end could see that he was being manipulative and gave him another diagnosis of NPD and seemed to see through the lies unlike the previous mental health team who seemed to be encouraging a lot of negative thoughts.
He spoke a lot about trauma from having such a terrible childhood, and how he would be locked in a room amongst other things, all of which had never happened.
He also spent money like anything, and didn't care for repercussions.
His parents keep him afloat now, and he has decided he doesn't want to participate in a traditional grown up lifestyle. If this should ever dry up I would worry that he might lash out.
However; the description of your son resonates in such a spookily similar way to a family member who having also been diagnosed with ADHD as a 30 year old has turned around and said similar of his parents. Much of it were false memories.
He had also been self medicating (cannabis, LSD, drink etc)
Luckily for his parents he was under the care of multiple mental health teams who in the end could see that he was being manipulative and gave him another diagnosis of NPD and seemed to see through the lies unlike the previous mental health team who seemed to be encouraging a lot of negative thoughts.
He spoke a lot about trauma from having such a terrible childhood, and how he would be locked in a room amongst other things, all of which had never happened.
He also spent money like anything, and didn't care for repercussions.
His parents keep him afloat now, and he has decided he doesn't want to participate in a traditional grown up lifestyle. If this should ever dry up I would worry that he might lash out.
Edited by Nemophilist on Wednesday 3rd May 14:30
After reading a third post about EMDR and false memories above, I decided to hit Google and found this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-who-...
Hoofy said:
After reading a third post about EMDR and false memories above, I decided to hit Google and found this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-who-...
Thanks. I sent this to him mum. She then promptly told my youngest that I didn't believe EMDR was either accurate and/or helpful, which has confirmed for him that I'm to blame for all his woes. My son then text to try and forbid me from speaking with his mum and brother. I think that has more to do with the £4k he recently borrowed from his brother to clear his debts. He did this a few months ago, only to then rock up a few days later in all his new clothes and trainers. Yes, he worked hard and repaid the money but in no time at all he was back in debt and borrowing again.I think the therapist he's seeing in in Barnstaple and she's certainly accredited. Mind you, I know some counsellors personally and wouldn't have much faith in their abilities. He was seeing a different one but they had some sort of falling out. He didn't tell me why but claimed '''she was a narcissist''. I wondered if she just told him that he needed to grow up and accept some personal responsibility? He doesn't like being told that stuff. I think they probably just didn't absolve him of responsibility for those poor life choices he's made, hence the quest for someone that will.
I think I will just have to take a few steps back and leave him to his therapy. I've told him that we (his family) all want the best for him and we aren't against him. I just don't feel that I can do much more than that right now.
Anyway, thanks all for giving me somewhere I can speak freely.
Mark-Clio182Trophy said:
Hoofy said:
After reading a third post about EMDR and false memories above, I decided to hit Google and found this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-who-...
Thanks. I sent this to him mum. She then promptly told my youngest that I didn't believe EMDR was either accurate and/or helpful, which has confirmed for him that I'm to blame for all his woes. My son then text to try and forbid me from speaking with his mum and brother. I think that has more to do with the £4k he recently borrowed from his brother to clear his debts. He did this a few months ago, only to then rock up a few days later in all his new clothes and trainers. Yes, he worked hard and repaid the money but in no time at all he was back in debt and borrowing again.I think the therapist he's seeing in in Barnstaple and she's certainly accredited. Mind you, I know some counsellors personally and wouldn't have much faith in their abilities. He was seeing a different one but they had some sort of falling out. He didn't tell me why but claimed '''she was a narcissist''. I wondered if she just told him that he needed to grow up and accept some personal responsibility? He doesn't like being told that stuff. I think they probably just didn't absolve him of responsibility for those poor life choices he's made, hence the quest for someone that will.
I think I will just have to take a few steps back and leave him to his therapy. I've told him that we (his family) all want the best for him and we aren't against him. I just don't feel that I can do much more than that right now.
Anyway, thanks all for giving me somewhere I can speak freely.
Re the previous therapist, yes, sometimes the thing we hate to hear is what we need to hear the most. Sadly, until it's taken on board, I don't think rock bottom has been hit yet.
Good luck!
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