Struggle switching off

[Scabutz]

I've always had anxiety on and off and it's bad at the minute, but I'm having real trouble switching off from work.

The company was bought out last year by an American firm. They removed the whole c-suite (I used to report to the CTO). Now I report to someone in the US who is 8 hours behind me.

So in the UK I am now basically the most senior person in my department. The wider department was broken up and so some of my colleagues now report to someone else. The new organisation is the most siloed place I've ever worked.

Just feel like it's all on me to keep everything running and there is no one to escalate to anymore. I'm having to make important decisions that the CTO used to make. I'm not bring paid anymore than I was.

Wonder if I should do another course of CBT. Certainly a lot of anxeity is coming from worrying about things that "might" happen rather than what actually is.

I'm not even sure what I am so worried about. I don't want to climb any higher, I'm not at risk of being made redundant or fired (I'm on a sizeable retainer which still pays if I was made redundant).

I've tried putting some barriers in place. Logging off promptly at end of day, removing Outlook and Teams from my phone, but keep getting this nagging feeling of needing to check in case something has gone wrong. I then end up in a quandary do I check and risk that there might be a problem and start dealing with it out of hours or will checking put my mind at rest as there is nothing.

Just want to give a bit less of a fk really. Anyone else struggle or have ideas?

[bearman68]

Well I run my own business. Lots of people have access to me, and there's lots of things going on all the time. Sometimes the phone and messaging systems will be binging all the time.
Thursday and Friday were really busy for example - I dealt with 200 messages and requests over the 24 hours. Crazy quantities.

So I kinda get where you are coming from.

So my relax bit is to go and do stuff in nature - I fly gliders, I kayak, I climb rocks. It's hard to focus on work when there is a clear and self preservation need to concentrate on the here and now. At at the end of a stressful flight / paddle / climb, I feel nicely relaxed, and in a position where I can talk to others, and have a right old laugh. My sense of drive has taken a break, and gone to sleep for a few hours / a day.
The fact that has happened then helps me connect with people.
People around you are important to (well they are to me), and that club activity is a really good way of enjoying some social stuff, and a good bit of banter.

[sociopath]

This won't solve your problems with work but if you need to be able to turn off, I can recommend Headspace, it's a mindfulness app/process

There's an app and you can try if for free.

I rarely get to the end of the sessions as I fall asleep, which you're not supposed to do, but it works for me

[Fozziebear]

bearman68 said:

Well I run my own business. Lots of people have access to me, and there's lots of things going on all the time. Sometimes the phone and messaging systems will be binging all the time.
Thursday and Friday were really busy for example - I dealt with 200 messages and requests over the 24 hours. Crazy quantities.

So I kinda get where you are coming from.

So my relax bit is to go and do stuff in nature - I fly gliders, I kayak, I climb rocks. It's hard to focus on work when there is a clear and self preservation need to concentrate on the here and now. At at the end of a stressful flight / paddle / climb, I feel nicely relaxed, and in a position where I can talk to others, and have a right old laugh. My sense of drive has taken a break, and gone to sleep for a few hours / a day.
The fact that has happened then helps me connect with people.
People around you are important to (well they are to me), and that club activity is a really good way of enjoying some social stuff, and a good bit of banter.

This! I have to keep an eye on 3 businesses, all are 2hrs drive from each other, I use the gym and BJJ to turn off, its the buzz of a different activity that helps.

[jm8403]

Scabutz said:

I've always had anxiety on and off and it's bad at the minute, but I'm having real trouble switching off from work.

The company was bought out last year by an American firm. They removed the whole c-suite (I used to report to the CTO). Now I report to someone in the US who is 8 hours behind me.

So in the UK I am now basically the most senior person in my department. The wider department was broken up and so some of my colleagues now report to someone else. The new organisation is the most siloed place I've ever worked.

Just feel like it's all on me to keep everything running and there is no one to escalate to anymore. I'm having to make important decisions that the CTO used to make. I'm not bring paid anymore than I was.

Wonder if I should do another course of CBT. Certainly a lot of anxeity is coming from worrying about things that "might" happen rather than what actually is.

I'm not even sure what I am so worried about. I don't want to climb any higher, I'm not at risk of being made redundant or fired (I'm on a sizeable retainer which still pays if I was made redundant).

I've tried putting some barriers in place. Logging off promptly at end of day, removing Outlook and Teams from my phone, but keep getting this nagging feeling of needing to check in case something has gone wrong. I then end up in a quandary do I check and risk that there might be a problem and start dealing with it out of hours or will checking put my mind at rest as there is nothing.

Just want to give a bit less of a fk really. Anyone else struggle or have ideas?

It's extremely hard at times: I am very laid back, logical and even I am finding myself stressed by things I can't control/make no sense recently. A break from work and keep implementing the barriers you have built and try not worry too much. If it becomes too much, and only you can decide this, move on.

You could always try this -
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Cou...

[OMITN]

In these situations I can think of these two pieces of advice that have been given to me in the past:

1. The worst they can do is fire you. You’re smart enough to have progressed to this level in your career so you will find something else.

2. If you’re going to get fired (see (1)) then you are always free to do the right thing when making decisions. Be guided by your knowledge, ethics and conscience.

Stressful though it is, this is actually a real growth opportunity for you OP. You might not progress your career here, but you will learn loads about what you’re capable of and how to manage a difficult set-up.

I would recommend embracing the challenge (while remembering the advice above!). At the same time give yourself a clear deadline when you decide to stay or go - say 3 months from now.

(And if they want to bullet you, make sure you get a cheque to soften the landing. No shame in that - see advice points 1 & 2…!).

Edited by OMITN on Sunday 30th April 16:09

[Scabutz]

Thanks all. I'm definitely weighing up options about staying or leaving. Had a couple of interviews for other roles but at this level stuff moves really slow. The only thing really keeping me in this role is the retainer, it's pretty big. I'm not stupid though and I know it's designed in their favour to keep things stable and they may find after it's paid they can live without me.

As above the worst thing that they could do is fire me and it would require me to do something pretty stupid for that to happen. I've never been fired from any job in my whole life and so not likely to start now.

If they make me redundant the retainer still pays out.

[jm8403]

Scabutz said:

Thanks all. I'm definitely weighing up options about staying or leaving. Had a couple of interviews for other roles but at this level stuff moves really slow. The only thing really keeping me in this role is the retainer, it's pretty big. I'm not stupid though and I know it's designed in their favour to keep things stable and they may find after it's paid they can live without me.

As above the worst thing that they could do is fire me and it would require me to do something pretty stupid for that to happen. I've never been fired from any job in my whole life and so not likely to start now.

If they make me redundant the retainer still pays out.

Sounds like a pretty good number. I would do everything in your power to try and compartmentalise things as much as possible and enjoy the retainer when it comes with a nice break.

There are a tonne of books on this: https://teambuilding.com/blog/work-life-balance-bo...
Plus all the normal things, food, reduced booze, exercise, adequate breaks. Use your holidays frequently to take those rest periods (I am guilty of not always doing this)

[OMITN]

Scabutz said:

As above the worst thing that they could do is fire me and it would require me to do something pretty stupid for that to happen. I've never been fired from any job in my whole life and so not likely to start now.

If they make me redundant the retainer still pays out.

Sorry, by “fire” I meant them saying “thanks but there’s no future for you here”.

Retainer is good. Earn it and stick it in the fk off fund. Then you get to decide on what happens next.

You’ll be fine.

[Scabutz]

OMITN said:

Sorry, by “fire” I meant them saying “thanks but there’s no future for you here”.

Retainer is good. Earn it and stick it in the fk off fund. Then you get to decide on what happens next.

You’ll be fine.

Ah understood. The "firing" is one of my made up anxieties that has never happened and isn't likely to but its something that creeps in and I catastrophise over.

As I say I fully expect to be fked off at some point in the next couple of years, once they've integrated my teams into their world and replaced a few people they don't need me to run them any more. But I get paid either way.

I'm going to work on the self care and switching off and see what happens. If other roles come up then I will explore. These days it's easy with an initial Teams interview there is no reason not to try for other roles.

[fourstardan]

OP maybe you should actually leave something to go wrong.....?

I know it sounds irresponsible but do you think the Americans realise? They will have one's head up their own arses thinking the worlds all merry and happy.

This is one reason I never go for top jobs in IT/Change, the reality is you end up getting caught in a spring tide inevitably with your pants down.

[QJumper]

Personally I've found that the best way to deal with stress and anxiety is to think "what's the worst that could happen?"

Often, assuming nothing life threatening, the worst case scenario isn't as bad as the amount of worry it causes. Either way, thinking it through allows you to prepare a contigency, in case that scenario should happen. It's a bit like chess really, anticipate what might happen and then have your counter moves prepared in advance. Knowing how you'll react, and having options ready, can be enough to take the worst of the pressure off, and help you relax a bit.

On top of that it helps to have a hobby or distraction that captures all of your attention. For me it's a bike ride, or fishing, or something practical, like fixing something. Anything that forces any other thoughts out of your mind for a while will do.

[Fusion777]

Good/more sleep. Other hobbies. Exercise, particularly if outdoors. Vary it so there's always something novel and you're not stuck in a routine. Connect with other people outside work, whether it's family or friends.

At work- think of the pareto rule. Are most of your issues coming from a few people or sources? Can you eliminate/fix/placate/mitigate these, and so on? Lots of issues crop up in complex jobs, but only a few are show stoppers. Find out what you need to/can fix, and what can go on the back burner.

Don't try and fix everything, all the time, because people will expect it and keep coming back.

[Scabutz]

fourstardan said:

OP maybe you should actually leave something to go wrong.....?

I know it sounds irresponsible but do you think the Americans realise? They will have one's head up their own arses thinking the worlds all merry and happy.

This is one reason I never go for top jobs in IT/Change, the reality is you end up getting caught in a spring tide inevitably with your pants down.

I don't think they would care. Unless it was catastrophic. They wouldn't be the ones dealing with the fall out, it would still be me.

We had a security incident a few months back, I had to deal with it along with my teams, was up till 1/2 am for a few nights. I thought we are going to get dragged over the coals for this, have to explain ourselves and have a lot more oversight. I actually did think at one point I might be fired there.

What happened? Absolutely fk all.

[Scabutz]

QJumper said:

Personally I've found that the best way to deal with stress and anxiety is to think "what's the worst that could happen?"

Often, assuming nothing life threatening, the worst case scenario isn't as bad as the amount of worry it causes. Either way, thinking it through allows you to prepare a contigency, in case that scenario should happen. It's a bit like chess really, anticipate what might happen and then have your counter moves prepared in advance. Knowing how you'll react, and having options ready, can be enough to take the worst of the pressure off, and help you relax a bit.

On top of that it helps to have a hobby or distraction that captures all of your attention. For me it's a bike ride, or fishing, or something practical, like fixing something. Anything that forces any other thoughts out of your mind for a while will do.

That is similar to what is covered in CBT. What's the worse that could happen, how likely is it too happening, what would you do. Then look at more likely scenarios.

Think I will do another corse and work on that again. I can get some sessions via works EAP or the PMI. Given its work causing it I'll try the EAP first and they can pay for it.

[fourstardan]

Scabutz said:

I don't think they would care. Unless it was catastrophic. They wouldn't be the ones dealing with the fall out, it would still be me.

We had a security incident a few months back, I had to deal with it along with my teams, was up till 1/2 am for a few nights. I thought we are going to get dragged over the coals for this, have to explain ourselves and have a lot more oversight. I actually did think at one point I might be fired there.

What happened? Absolutely fk all.

I meant catastrophic. Not sure how the CTO before would had resolved that sort of thing as it sounds BAU mostly.

Without knowing what you are really like as a person, the company and background it's difficult but if they are running the company down to the bone on bare minimum then move on.

[EK9_CTR]

Scabutz said:

I've tried putting some barriers in place. Logging off promptly at end of day, removing Outlook and Teams from my phone, but keep getting this nagging feeling of needing to check in case something has gone wrong. I then end up in a quandary do I check and risk that there might be a problem and start dealing with it out of hours or will checking put my mind at rest as there is nothing.

Could be OCD related? I had (and still do but to a lesser degree) almost severe "checking" OCD where my mind wouldn't be at rest (obsessions) until I had performed certain actions (compulsions).

E.g. thought comes into my head that the doors to the house aren't locked. Runs downstairs, pulls handles, turns out all is locked and well!

No harm in visiting a therapist, worked for me!

[Scabutz]

EK9_CTR said:

Could be OCD related? I had (and still do but to a lesser degree) almost severe "checking" OCD where my mind wouldn't be at rest (obsessions) until I had performed certain actions (compulsions).

E.g. thought comes into my head that the doors to the house aren't locked. Runs downstairs, pulls handles, turns out all is locked and well!

No harm in visiting a therapist, worked for me!

I was reading about stress and anxiety can lead to compulsive behaviour. I have always had it a little bit from anxiety. Checking the front door is properly shut a couple of times that thing.


I had a small win today. I get the alerts from monitoring if one of our systems is down. Its not my responsibility to fix it, nor usually my teams, but jn the past I would get worked up and start messaging people to fix it as they don't always respond promptly.

I was just heading out to walk the dog and it popped up and I though no, I'm getting involved and I'm not getting worked up by it. It was down for an hour, few customers probably got the hump, they will try again later, some possibly complained to support.