Worried about wife's mental health
Discussion
My wife’s behaviour has been becoming increasingly erratic over perhaps the last 5 years. We are both early 40s, together 14 years, married for 10 this year. No children. In the last 5 years she has alienated all my friends, family, all of our neighbours, and has been through 5 jobs – 3 of which she was fired from. I’ve been patiently waiting for the time when I become the target of her vengeance, and now it’s here. We sat down to have dinner on the Friday evening we finished work for Christmas, and she breezily announced “I’ve found a house I like… it’s in (distant town).” I had no notion of living in distant town, and told her as much. “It isn’t for you, it’s for me.” And that ladies and gentlemen, in time for Christmas, I found out that my wife wants to leave me.
I’ve long held a concern for her mental wellbeing. In situations that call for a cool head and reasoned response, she has been prone to reactionary and highly emotional outbursts. For example, when our nearest neighbours have supposedly transgressed in some way, she has called the police on them – one for allegedly throwing stones into our garden, one for allegedly trespassing onto our property, and one whose teenage son for flying a drone they received for Christmas last year.
Any time I have shown an interest in anything it is questioned and called out – for example this last year I have taken an interest in classical music, and have been to various concerts as a result – this was belittled, with her acerbically observing “I wonder who has an interest in that kind of music” implying that I’m having an affair. The same happened when I downloaded audio books from Victorian English authors (“Oh yeah, since when have you liked them??”)
As a couple we have not been on intimate terms for most of that 5 year period – when I question why this is, she claims that she will not “sleep with anyone who can’t be arsed to push a hoover round.” I do most of the housework at home, do all the washing weekly, hang it up, take it down, fold it away, hoover the house, feed and clean the animals outdoors (we keep chickens), fix the cars, do whatever DIY is necessary to keep the place ticking along. Usually when she comes home from work I have dinner ready for her, then wash up afterwards. One evening last week I had cooked something she used to love, served it up and she said “who is that for?” you of course silly “who the f
k asked for that? I didn’t ask for that. When the fk did you say you were making that for me?” Emphasis on the swear words. Of course me being me I stayed silent and put the food away in a container for later and avoided an argument, but I haven’t cooked for her since.
It’s been interesting. We saw (her) family all over Christmas, and I suggested that she tell them all her good news, that she would be leaving me in the new year and starting a new life – she didn’t do this. To my knowledge they still aren’t aware. I visited my elderly parents after Christmas and told them the news. My mother simply said “Oh… good.” She refuses to visit my parents (77 & 81) because they are “boring” and they “never do anything”. I don’t know what to tell you sweetheart, but they aren’t going to dance the foxtrot anytime soon. She has also taken issue against my mother and sister for reasons unclear, and dislikes me talking with either of them.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing this now is that I found out she had taken a large sum of money out of our joint bank account this morning. No explanation given, or discussed in advance. I’ve now booked an appointment with a mortgage advisor for Thursday, a solicitor and an estate agent for Friday. You may be playing around sweetheart but I’m not.
Do women become more mental as they get older, or have I just been really unlucky?
I’ve long held a concern for her mental wellbeing. In situations that call for a cool head and reasoned response, she has been prone to reactionary and highly emotional outbursts. For example, when our nearest neighbours have supposedly transgressed in some way, she has called the police on them – one for allegedly throwing stones into our garden, one for allegedly trespassing onto our property, and one whose teenage son for flying a drone they received for Christmas last year.
Any time I have shown an interest in anything it is questioned and called out – for example this last year I have taken an interest in classical music, and have been to various concerts as a result – this was belittled, with her acerbically observing “I wonder who has an interest in that kind of music” implying that I’m having an affair. The same happened when I downloaded audio books from Victorian English authors (“Oh yeah, since when have you liked them??”)
As a couple we have not been on intimate terms for most of that 5 year period – when I question why this is, she claims that she will not “sleep with anyone who can’t be arsed to push a hoover round.” I do most of the housework at home, do all the washing weekly, hang it up, take it down, fold it away, hoover the house, feed and clean the animals outdoors (we keep chickens), fix the cars, do whatever DIY is necessary to keep the place ticking along. Usually when she comes home from work I have dinner ready for her, then wash up afterwards. One evening last week I had cooked something she used to love, served it up and she said “who is that for?” you of course silly “who the f
k asked for that? I didn’t ask for that. When the fk did you say you were making that for me?” Emphasis on the swear words. Of course me being me I stayed silent and put the food away in a container for later and avoided an argument, but I haven’t cooked for her since.It’s been interesting. We saw (her) family all over Christmas, and I suggested that she tell them all her good news, that she would be leaving me in the new year and starting a new life – she didn’t do this. To my knowledge they still aren’t aware. I visited my elderly parents after Christmas and told them the news. My mother simply said “Oh… good.” She refuses to visit my parents (77 & 81) because they are “boring” and they “never do anything”. I don’t know what to tell you sweetheart, but they aren’t going to dance the foxtrot anytime soon. She has also taken issue against my mother and sister for reasons unclear, and dislikes me talking with either of them.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing this now is that I found out she had taken a large sum of money out of our joint bank account this morning. No explanation given, or discussed in advance. I’ve now booked an appointment with a mortgage advisor for Thursday, a solicitor and an estate agent for Friday. You may be playing around sweetheart but I’m not.
Do women become more mental as they get older, or have I just been really unlucky?
That's a really sad situation. Could there be any health issues going on that you're not aware of? Is it uncharacteristic for her to swear at you and be aggressive like that?
As a first step, I'd be setting up an account in your own name and put at least half of your joint money away in it, on the basis that you (presumably) have joint expenses that need to be covered and if she's being unpredictable, you don't know what you might need to pay for in future.
As a first step, I'd be setting up an account in your own name and put at least half of your joint money away in it, on the basis that you (presumably) have joint expenses that need to be covered and if she's being unpredictable, you don't know what you might need to pay for in future.
What outcome do you want from all this? The thread title suggests you want to help her, but from reading the full post it appears that you'd be happy to be rid of her, which I don't think anybody would blame you for.
But are you genuinely worried for her, in the sense that she has an issue that needs professional help, and you're willing to assist with that?
But are you genuinely worried for her, in the sense that she has an issue that needs professional help, and you're willing to assist with that?
GT3Manthey said:
I don’t suppose you’ve ever discussed councilling?
Been through marriage counselling. She declared it to be a waste of money, as all the problems were mine and not hers. I'm still unclear as to what these problems might be.Bluesgirl said:
That's a really sad situation. Could there be any health issues going on that you're not aware of? Is it uncharacteristic for her to swear at you and be aggressive like that?
As a first step, I'd be setting up an account in your own name and put at least half of your joint money away in it, on the basis that you (presumably) have joint expenses that need to be covered and if she's being unpredictable, you don't know what you might need to pay for in future.
It was uncharacteristic a few years ago, less so now. We kept our own bank accounts, and paid into a joint account to cover the household bills. Now she has rinsed the surplus built up over 10 years.As a first step, I'd be setting up an account in your own name and put at least half of your joint money away in it, on the basis that you (presumably) have joint expenses that need to be covered and if she's being unpredictable, you don't know what you might need to pay for in future.
billbring said:
What outcome do you want from all this?
Part of me wants to help her. But the rest of me wants to be free of this continual headfk that the last five years has been. Sorry to hear that OP.
Marriages all have their moments but she does sound like she's become unbearable. I would protect yourself and your assets asap before doing anything else.
Do you have close friends and/or family members you can be completely open with?
...and be strong. Time to bale.
Marriages all have their moments but she does sound like she's become unbearable. I would protect yourself and your assets asap before doing anything else.
Do you have close friends and/or family members you can be completely open with?
...and be strong. Time to bale.
has she got a mate who has done similar? Or spend a long time on mumsnet?
If she's taken the money then she has a plan, probably taken her a while to organise. Ask her about the money, what's the worst can happen?
The relationship is dead anyway so move along, sounds like you have it covered best you can. What will be will be.
If she's taken the money then she has a plan, probably taken her a while to organise. Ask her about the money, what's the worst can happen?
The relationship is dead anyway so move along, sounds like you have it covered best you can. What will be will be.
Electronicpants said:
Forget about your wife's metal health, prioritise yours, that sounds like a death from a thousand cuts of a life/relationship. Get your affairs in order and move on.
have to agree with that - life's too short for putting up with that level of batst crazy. and definitely move all the money you can out of the joint account asap. best of luck - i have a feeling you're going to need it
GT03ROB said:
Strong hints of narscissistic behaviour if you care to look it up.
Agree 100% with this.Over the past 2 years a close friend of mine has been going through the hell with his narcissistic partner who left him suddenly and in a manner that sounds very similar to your post re: large amounts of money suddenly disappearing from joint accounts etc.
If you own any businesses check up on those too as she sneakily tried to take possession of his business too and he’s had a fight to regain control of it since.
Whatever you do, prioritise protecting yourself now as it things could get ugly and very nasty quickly with her.
Motorman74 said:
GT03ROB said:
Strong hints of narscissistic behaviour if you care to look it up.
I agree - and some of what you say sounds like she has tried to separate you from family and friends, is gaslighting you etc. I'd be out of there as soon as I could possible make arrangements.emotional instability – the psychological term for this is "affective dysregulation"
disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions"
impulsive behaviour
intense but unstable relationships with others
Do any/all of these sound familiar? Have you often felt like you're walking on eggshells when communicating with her?
Has she always been a bit "diffilcult"? It sounds like you've been doing all the work/chores historically, which can mitigate some of the worst excesses, but ultimately enables such things.
I guess a lot will depend on whether she's always been a bit unstable, or if it's recent. If more recent it could be something like menopause, as another poster suggested. Either way, it's not something to ignore or your life could become more of a living hell than it already is.
Probably one for professional help rather than internet speculation, but the hard part is getting the other person to recognise there's a problem that needs dealing with.
Roderick Spode said:
. We sat down to have dinner on the Friday evening we finished work for Christmas, and she breezily announced “I’ve found a house I like… it’s in (distant town).” I had no notion of living in distant town, and told her as much. “It isn’t for you, it’s for me.” And that ladies and gentlemen, in time for Christmas, I found out that my wife wants to leave me.
As a couple we have not been on intimate terms for most of that 5 year period – when I question why this is, she claims that she will not “sleep with anyone who can’t be arsed to push a hoover round.” I do most of the housework at home, do all the washing weekly, hang it up, take it down, fold it away, hoover the house, feed and clean the animals outdoors (we keep chickens), fix the cars, do whatever DIY is necessary to keep the place ticking along. Usually when she comes home from work I have dinner ready for her, then wash up afterwards.
One evening last week I had cooked something she used to love, served it up and she said “who is that for?” you of course silly “who the fk asked for that?
Snipped the 3 major ones. WTF???As a couple we have not been on intimate terms for most of that 5 year period – when I question why this is, she claims that she will not “sleep with anyone who can’t be arsed to push a hoover round.” I do most of the housework at home, do all the washing weekly, hang it up, take it down, fold it away, hoover the house, feed and clean the animals outdoors (we keep chickens), fix the cars, do whatever DIY is necessary to keep the place ticking along. Usually when she comes home from work I have dinner ready for her, then wash up afterwards.
One evening last week I had cooked something she used to love, served it up and she said “who is that for?” you of course silly “who the f
k asked for that? 1 xmas sounds like it was a nightmare? Why didnt you / she leave after that conversation?
2 Why put up with that? Sounds like you are (more than) pulling your weight around the house.
3 why put up with that? Sounds like she is mentally abusing you
Sounds like you are well rid of her (which I suspect you know). Also sounds like it's been over a long time, so nothing much left to do other than secure any loose money (50/50) and wait for her solicitors demands
I'd be the one leaving her for unreasonable behaviour off the back of all that - easier said than done I know.
Didnt this come up at the marriage counselling? Or did it, and it went against her, hence she stopped going?
My condolences
QJumper said:
Do any/all of these sound familiar? Have you often felt like you're walking on eggshells when communicating with her?
Has she always been a bit "diffilcult"? It sounds like you've been doing all the work/chores historically, which can mitigate some of the worst excesses, but ultimately enables such things.
Crikey. My whole life is one of continuous eggshells. I have considered both BPD and narcissism before, and have broached both subjects with her sister, with whom she is close. Of course her sister went straight to my wife and disclosed my concerns to her, which made things 110% worse. Cheers for that.Has she always been a bit "diffilcult"? It sounds like you've been doing all the work/chores historically, which can mitigate some of the worst excesses, but ultimately enables such things.
I usually listen to her tales of new work colleagues (there have been many over the last few years) and the enthusiasm she holds for them. I make a mental bet with myself as to how long they will last in the positive books, and sure enough as the weeks and months pass by, slowly but surely all of these people blot their copy books in some way to incur her wrath, and so enter the realms of the unmentionable. Same thing has happened with friends and family.
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