Suggestions for mental health resources for daughter
Discussion
I was thinking of posting this under a temp account but I'm looking for ideas quickly and, whilst I am deeply ashamed of my p*ss poor parenting, mental health issues aren't something to be ashamed of or to hide.
The issue is that our 15 year-old daughter is having worrying mental health issues. These have come on quite suddenly - in terms of obvious signs, the last 6-8 weeks - and have today reached something of a crisis.
By way of background, she is a very bright, physically healthy 15 year old who has always been quite highly strung and something of a 'drama queen' and somewhat lacking in resilience. She was, until quite recently, self confident and outgoing but has become more withdrawn and introverted of late. She is a flexi-boarder at an all girls school.
Over Christmas, we noticed that she was frequently overwrought and quick to break down if anything was challenging. We saw some odd and slightly obsessive behaviour, including attempts to hurt herself (pulling at her hair, pinching the back of her hand, slapping her forehead) and we noticed that she wasnt keen to catch up with her old prep school friends or her current school friends, which is unusual.
We obviously talked to her and gradually teased out that she had friendship issues, was feeling the pressure of GCSEs and felt ignored by Mrs Clapham and I as we have been focusing a lot on our 13 year-old who has had some physical health issues as well as being a bloody difficult teenager at times. I spoke to the mother of one of her wider circle of friends who happens to be an old school friend of mine. The issues with friendships apparently relate to our daughter making up an increasingly improbable fantasy life outside school, which has led the group to edge away from her.
When she went back to school we spoke to her house mistress and the school pastoral lead who said they'd keep an eye on things and that this wasnt unusual/not to worry etc etc. We spoke to our daughter and agreed that she would try counselling and found a counsellor who specialises in teenage girls. She has been having one or two sessions a week since the beginning of the month. She says they are helpful although we havent noticed an improvement if we're honest.
This week has had the added pressure of school exams and things have spiralled downward badly. On Monday night it was a home night and Mrs C noticed scratches on her arms and, after a lot of patient coaxing, daughter admitted she had done it to herself. We flagged to the school & they said they'd keep an eye.
Today Mrs C took a call from the school saying that Daughter had gone to see "the listening ladies" (on-site counsellors) and had a mini breakdown, in which she said she was having suicidal thoughts.
We have her at home with us now and have had a *very* difficult evening where we thought we were going to have to call an ambulance as she had another breakdown and started hitting herself. We have a meeting with the school pastoral lead, her house mistress and her tutor tomorrow and I have a call with our private health insurers tomorrow afternoon to see what they can provide. Mrs C has also spoken to our GP who is also a personal friend who told us that it would take months to get any sort of CAHMs assessment and that, even then, not to expect anything in the way of meaningful, focused support from the NHS (thanks Emma, really knocked yourself out on that one
).
So my question is; does anyone have any advice on resources to help in these situations or any recommendations for - ideally London based - psychiatrists who specialise in teens and adolescents?
Apologies for the long, self indulgent post and thanks in advance for any suggestions.
Currently sitting on the sofa with equally perplexed dog, glad that wife and daughter are finally sleeping, fighting down the temptation to open a bottle of heavy red and wondering how we managed to screw up this badly....
The issue is that our 15 year-old daughter is having worrying mental health issues. These have come on quite suddenly - in terms of obvious signs, the last 6-8 weeks - and have today reached something of a crisis.
By way of background, she is a very bright, physically healthy 15 year old who has always been quite highly strung and something of a 'drama queen' and somewhat lacking in resilience. She was, until quite recently, self confident and outgoing but has become more withdrawn and introverted of late. She is a flexi-boarder at an all girls school.
Over Christmas, we noticed that she was frequently overwrought and quick to break down if anything was challenging. We saw some odd and slightly obsessive behaviour, including attempts to hurt herself (pulling at her hair, pinching the back of her hand, slapping her forehead) and we noticed that she wasnt keen to catch up with her old prep school friends or her current school friends, which is unusual.
We obviously talked to her and gradually teased out that she had friendship issues, was feeling the pressure of GCSEs and felt ignored by Mrs Clapham and I as we have been focusing a lot on our 13 year-old who has had some physical health issues as well as being a bloody difficult teenager at times. I spoke to the mother of one of her wider circle of friends who happens to be an old school friend of mine. The issues with friendships apparently relate to our daughter making up an increasingly improbable fantasy life outside school, which has led the group to edge away from her.
When she went back to school we spoke to her house mistress and the school pastoral lead who said they'd keep an eye on things and that this wasnt unusual/not to worry etc etc. We spoke to our daughter and agreed that she would try counselling and found a counsellor who specialises in teenage girls. She has been having one or two sessions a week since the beginning of the month. She says they are helpful although we havent noticed an improvement if we're honest.
This week has had the added pressure of school exams and things have spiralled downward badly. On Monday night it was a home night and Mrs C noticed scratches on her arms and, after a lot of patient coaxing, daughter admitted she had done it to herself. We flagged to the school & they said they'd keep an eye.
Today Mrs C took a call from the school saying that Daughter had gone to see "the listening ladies" (on-site counsellors) and had a mini breakdown, in which she said she was having suicidal thoughts.
We have her at home with us now and have had a *very* difficult evening where we thought we were going to have to call an ambulance as she had another breakdown and started hitting herself. We have a meeting with the school pastoral lead, her house mistress and her tutor tomorrow and I have a call with our private health insurers tomorrow afternoon to see what they can provide. Mrs C has also spoken to our GP who is also a personal friend who told us that it would take months to get any sort of CAHMs assessment and that, even then, not to expect anything in the way of meaningful, focused support from the NHS (thanks Emma, really knocked yourself out on that one
).So my question is; does anyone have any advice on resources to help in these situations or any recommendations for - ideally London based - psychiatrists who specialise in teens and adolescents?
Apologies for the long, self indulgent post and thanks in advance for any suggestions.
Currently sitting on the sofa with equally perplexed dog, glad that wife and daughter are finally sleeping, fighting down the temptation to open a bottle of heavy red and wondering how we managed to screw up this badly....
Edited by ClaphamGT3 on Friday 20th January 01:35
Edited by ClaphamGT3 on Friday 20th January 06:38
As you have private health coverage i would start there. NHS as you have noted is not great at providing support in this area.
Certainly the private coverage I have doesn't even require a GPs referral to get help with mental health issues. If need be even go outside your private health plan to get an initial consultation.
My sister had a very rocky spell at the same age & was in/out of appointments with various consultants. Incidently I think these consultants are only really of use if the person wants to be helped.
The key thing to remind yourself though, is its not something you have done.
Certainly the private coverage I have doesn't even require a GPs referral to get help with mental health issues. If need be even go outside your private health plan to get an initial consultation.
My sister had a very rocky spell at the same age & was in/out of appointments with various consultants. Incidently I think these consultants are only really of use if the person wants to be helped.
The key thing to remind yourself though, is its not something you have done.
I think you can self refer to CAMHS and their websites tend to have a lot of useful information. 111 has a mental health line, healthier together website have some useful links. A friend had a daughter in very similar situation and she found a lot of support through talking to some of the helplines.
Tricky situation, you have my sympathy. Some experience of something similar but rather less severe.
Do get prof help but one thing profs can't address stands out from your post. You say she feels ignored by you and her Mum, well you can show her that is not true. Don't go mad in the other direction but can you do some good stuff together? Low stress. Low expectation. Movies, museums, gigs or whatever. Also try to talk less and listen more, chat with her rather than do the big Dad talks.
Good luck.
Do get prof help but one thing profs can't address stands out from your post. You say she feels ignored by you and her Mum, well you can show her that is not true. Don't go mad in the other direction but can you do some good stuff together? Low stress. Low expectation. Movies, museums, gigs or whatever. Also try to talk less and listen more, chat with her rather than do the big Dad talks.
Good luck.
Someone else posted recently about a similar experience. I suggested Prof Tanya Byron might be worth a call. https://www.professortanyabyron.com/clinician/clin...
Serious point - mobile phones are often a big part of adolescent mental health issues as it means that things carry on from school to home and the child feels they can not escape them, consider whether a period without, or more managed would help
Other than that I hope you find someone to help, it is not easy being a teenager at present, don’t blame yourself, at 15 parental influence is now only a small part of their lives…
It may be worth asking the school if they have resources / can have sessions helping her and her peers to look at how they build each other up and show how they are each valued - self value and peer acceptance being two of the biggest factors in mental health
Other than that I hope you find someone to help, it is not easy being a teenager at present, don’t blame yourself, at 15 parental influence is now only a small part of their lives…
It may be worth asking the school if they have resources / can have sessions helping her and her peers to look at how they build each other up and show how they are each valued - self value and peer acceptance being two of the biggest factors in mental health
As someone who has direct personal experience of being sectioned, time is of the essence here but efforts must be directed. Whilst in the initial stages a Psychiatrist may be useful, allied to that is talking therapy with a properly qualified therapist.
I could write chapter and verse but frankly that's pointless, get on to your insurer and push them, if not try the UKCP, the problem is like any professional body, the quality varies massively.
I hope your daughter gets well soon
I could write chapter and verse but frankly that's pointless, get on to your insurer and push them, if not try the UKCP, the problem is like any professional body, the quality varies massively.
I hope your daughter gets well soon
Ah Im so sorry to hear this for your family. Very stressful.
We have a lot in common and look forward to that curry one day.
short summary from a few years ago.
Daughter was 14 or 15
Autistic
School too noisy too much stimulation
Hard to make any friends.
Stressed out
Anorexia
CAMS
Off school due to weight
critical weight loss with possibilities of organ failures.
almost sectioned.
hospitalised.
focus on a thing she enjoyed after a certain weight and to get home for Christmas.
Private school - 1 to 1
Focus on climbing
weight back to low but ok level
Self harm
counselling
Higher Education now 18
Bulimic and self harm when stressed but ok weight. (still very low but not dangerous)
Counselling
Climbing is her saviour to keeping the stress/food and also now making climbing friends.
She is planning on Uni later this year
We are ofcouse worried about her coping.
Hmm advice. The best thing we did was to get her the 1-1 tutoring at a college as this immediately removed the over stimulation/ noise and she has achieved excellent grades.
I think I did a topic on this - Ill have a look.Ah I deleted it.
For our daughter to get out of hospital was to focus on doing a sport she loves and thus get back to a ok weight.
She still self harms which has reduced but she is bulimic from time and its very hard to resolve.
Our daughter doenst like physical contact like hugs etc but she want to talk when she is ready, she may let us combe her hair or scratch her back etc little thing for physical contact. She finds it hard to show emotions but we can see the tiny signs now.
She sees a councillor to talk when she is feeling stressed out.
Love, love, patients and more love. Swim with them- alongside not control. Always tell her you are there to help and support her - dont have to talk just to be their for them to talk to you. you dont have to solve problems just be there.
PM me to message or let me know if you want a chat/shout etc.
We have a lot in common and look forward to that curry one day.
short summary from a few years ago.
Daughter was 14 or 15
Autistic
School too noisy too much stimulation
Hard to make any friends.
Stressed out
Anorexia
CAMS
Off school due to weight
critical weight loss with possibilities of organ failures.
almost sectioned.
hospitalised.
focus on a thing she enjoyed after a certain weight and to get home for Christmas.
Private school - 1 to 1
Focus on climbing
weight back to low but ok level
Self harm
counselling
Higher Education now 18
Bulimic and self harm when stressed but ok weight. (still very low but not dangerous)
Counselling
Climbing is her saviour to keeping the stress/food and also now making climbing friends.
She is planning on Uni later this year
We are ofcouse worried about her coping.
Hmm advice. The best thing we did was to get her the 1-1 tutoring at a college as this immediately removed the over stimulation/ noise and she has achieved excellent grades.
I think I did a topic on this - Ill have a look.Ah I deleted it.
For our daughter to get out of hospital was to focus on doing a sport she loves and thus get back to a ok weight.
She still self harms which has reduced but she is bulimic from time and its very hard to resolve.
Our daughter doenst like physical contact like hugs etc but she want to talk when she is ready, she may let us combe her hair or scratch her back etc little thing for physical contact. She finds it hard to show emotions but we can see the tiny signs now.
She sees a councillor to talk when she is feeling stressed out.
Love, love, patients and more love. Swim with them- alongside not control. Always tell her you are there to help and support her - dont have to talk just to be their for them to talk to you. you dont have to solve problems just be there.
PM me to message or let me know if you want a chat/shout etc.
Edited by superlightr on Friday 20th January 11:47
Edited by superlightr on Friday 20th January 11:54
Edited by superlightr on Friday 20th January 11:56
Not much to add (although I have had/am having my own issues since I was about 12 - 51 now), other than to say I don’t think your post was self indulgent whatsoever, and I hope she gets better soon.
I don’t know where you are (although the username is a hint), but if you are in Cumbria I know an *excellent* counsellor who specialises in stress and trauma. PM if need be.
I don’t know where you are (although the username is a hint), but if you are in Cumbria I know an *excellent* counsellor who specialises in stress and trauma. PM if need be.
My sympathies OP. A lot of young people are experiencing anxiety related issues at the moment, generally accepted lockdown is to blame. Easy for an adult to rationalise, but huge for many teenagers and younger. CAMS really is your best bet, as they have the most resources at hand. However there will be a waiting list, in my area (Cheshire East) it's currently 12 weeks...and they are running behind that. I have several colleagues who work for them, they report all services are terribly underfunded and overstretched. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.
I can't offer and help but my local public health have these resources, some of which may be helpful to you and/or your daughter.
https://health.bracknell-forest.gov.uk/mental-well...
https://health.bracknell-forest.gov.uk/mental-well...
My suggestion is a change of home/school arrangements so that she gets home every night. Obviously this may mean either changing school (undesirable if close to GCSEs) or finding a way to move/rent/whatever closer to the school.
People think boarding school is some kind of Harry Potter theme park. It's not. It's rich people's equivalent of putting a child into local authority care and we all know how well that works out.
Some SERIOUS action is needed here, not just throwing cash at a few counselling sessions and hoping it all goes away.
People think boarding school is some kind of Harry Potter theme park. It's not. It's rich people's equivalent of putting a child into local authority care and we all know how well that works out.
Some SERIOUS action is needed here, not just throwing cash at a few counselling sessions and hoping it all goes away.
bigandclever said:
I'm of no practical help whatsoever, but ..
Unless you know the OP I'm not sure how you can claim that (as hard nosed as that may sound).ClaphamGT3 said:
p*ss poor parenting
.. it absolutely isn't; and ..ClaphamGT3 said:
wondering how we managed to screw up this badly....
.. you absolutely haven't.deckster said:
Pflanzgarten said:
Unless you know the OP I'm not sure how you can claim that (as hard nosed as that may sound).
For future reference, that doesn't make you sound hard-nosed. It makes you sound like a 
.OP - you have my extreme sympathy but also know that you are far from alone. Mental health issues are incredibly common and your daughter is bang in the middle of the age when it often shows up.
We have gone through a very similar experience with our daughter - still are, in many ways. Self-harm and talk of suicide are always of huge concern and rightly are red-flagged immediately. However you are doing the right thing by talking things through and by letting her know you are there, even if she can't (or won't) articulate that.
I will say that there is no substitute for, and no stigma to, professional help here. Our daughter has been seeing a psychiatrist for a few years now and quite apart from anything else, having a professional opinion and a positive course of action is a huge help. Through her psychiatrist, she was referred to a clinical psychologist who helped her understand some of the feelings she was having and although I certainly can't say it was magical, there was a slow but clear improvement over the course of maybe 20 sessions.
It is probably too early for this, and I know many will have negative opinions, but what ultimately has helped her the most was medication. She has been on sertraline for a couple of years now and that has made a huge difference to her mood regulation and, especially, the depth of what she calls her black periods. Previously she described it as being in a dark hole that she just couldn't get out of and at her worst would essentially withdraw into herself for weeks at a time, but now when she has a panic attack or an anxiety episode, she is able to bring herself out of the hole within a few hours. I am not a fan of long-term medication but by god if it means that she can function day-to-day I not going to stop her taking them.
But back to the original point. Mental health issues are very common and much more recognised these days. There is help out there so use it - you'd go to the doctor if you were ill, you'd go to A&E with a broken leg. We shouldn't think of our mental health as being any different.
We have gone through a very similar experience with our daughter - still are, in many ways. Self-harm and talk of suicide are always of huge concern and rightly are red-flagged immediately. However you are doing the right thing by talking things through and by letting her know you are there, even if she can't (or won't) articulate that.
I will say that there is no substitute for, and no stigma to, professional help here. Our daughter has been seeing a psychiatrist for a few years now and quite apart from anything else, having a professional opinion and a positive course of action is a huge help. Through her psychiatrist, she was referred to a clinical psychologist who helped her understand some of the feelings she was having and although I certainly can't say it was magical, there was a slow but clear improvement over the course of maybe 20 sessions.
It is probably too early for this, and I know many will have negative opinions, but what ultimately has helped her the most was medication. She has been on sertraline for a couple of years now and that has made a huge difference to her mood regulation and, especially, the depth of what she calls her black periods. Previously she described it as being in a dark hole that she just couldn't get out of and at her worst would essentially withdraw into herself for weeks at a time, but now when she has a panic attack or an anxiety episode, she is able to bring herself out of the hole within a few hours. I am not a fan of long-term medication but by god if it means that she can function day-to-day I not going to stop her taking them.
But back to the original point. Mental health issues are very common and much more recognised these days. There is help out there so use it - you'd go to the doctor if you were ill, you'd go to A&E with a broken leg. We shouldn't think of our mental health as being any different.
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