Burnout - How to recover?

[Scarletpimpofnel]

I worked for 10+years doing 7 day weeks 12 hours days to run my business and ensure the staff got paid every month etc. Maybe 10 half days a year off + Christmas Day.

In the end I packed it in as I was unbearably stressed, missed out on so much, and was heading to an early grave as unfit and fat etc. I was completely burnt out.

Nowadays I exercise, eat better, have very little stress BUT:

1 - Trivial things stress me a lot, irrationally so compared to how in my heyday I could deal with any mega issue calmly.
2 - I feel uneasy and not relaxed nearly all the time.
3 - Rarely feel happy. I am a glass half empty person so that may just be me.
4 - I've always been a worrier, that's the same.
5 - Quite bad tempered albeit I control it well.
6 - In a very unhappy relationship but it would devastate everyone around me to do anything about that.
7 - Feel morose.

I feel I could change my life by ending my relationship, moving somewhere new, taking up my old interests but fear that this is simply a case of "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" and in fact nothing in my head will change.

What should I do? Do something within my current world? Or end relationship/move somewhere new?

Thank you.

[simon_harris]

Some counselling or therapy would probably benefit you a great deal

[67Dino]

Therapy is the right way to go, in particular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which sounds scary but is just a way to examine and reset the assumptions and stories that your thinking (and therefore feelings) are based on.

I also recommend mindfulness, which is hard to do yourself but profound when done with a good teacher. Ed Halliwell (who wrote the paper for the NHS) was a highly stressed Exec in a previous life himself, and both a lovely guy and noted expert. He’s written some good books and runs weekend courses that are reasonable and enjoyable.

Well worth seeking some therapies though, as sounds like you’ve held a lot of stress for a long time.

[PositronicRay]

Keeping busy ( not stressful busy) and exercise helps me, so some dog walking and voluntary work really help.

[Stuart70]

No matter where you go, you take yourself with you.
I would start with some counselling to aid reflection.

Hope you find some happiness and contentment.

[Scarletpimpofnel]

Stuart70 said:

No matter where you go, you take yourself with you.
I would start with some counselling to aid reflection.

Hope you find some happiness and contentment.

Very thoughtful statement thanks.

[Scarletpimpofnel]

67Dino said:

Therapy is the right way to go, in particular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which sounds scary but is just a way to examine and reset the assumptions and stories that your thinking (and therefore feelings) are based on.

I also recommend mindfulness, which is hard to do yourself but profound when done with a good teacher. Ed Halliwell (who wrote the paper for the NHS) was a highly stressed Exec in a previous life himself, and both a lovely guy and noted expert. He’s written some good books and runs weekend courses that are reasonable and enjoyable.

Well worth seeking some therapies though, as sounds like you’ve held a lot of stress for a long time.

Thanks for the recommendations. I will look into them.

[TameRacingDriver]

As much as you probably don't want to hear it, I feel if you addressed point number 6, the relationship, then most of the rest would resolve on their own.

However, you know your own circumstances better than I, it's just a feeling I have. Totally understand though that the ending of a relationship can be a daunting, intimidating thing to do and would make life harder before it gets better. Good luck.

[Scarletpimpofnel]

TameRacingDriver said:

As much as you probably don't want to hear it, I feel if you addressed point number 6, the relationship, then most of the rest would resolve on their own.

However, you know your own circumstances better than I, it's just a feeling I have. Totally understand though that the ending of a relationship can be a daunting, intimidating thing to do and would make life harder before it gets better. Good luck.

I think you have said what I know to be right. Trouble is it will cause ructions in all directions.... so easier to be miserable for the rest of my days. I must man up and make the decision. But then again is the grass just greener and I'll be even more miserable? I need to get a grip and make some decisions.

[Dr Jekyll]

If you're used to doing 7 day weeks perhaps you are simply bored, too little stress rather than too much.

[67Dino]

Scarletpimpofnel said:

TameRacingDriver said:

As much as you probably don't want to hear it, I feel if you addressed point number 6, the relationship, then most of the rest would resolve on their own.

However, you know your own circumstances better than I, it's just a feeling I have. Totally understand though that the ending of a relationship can be a daunting, intimidating thing to do and would make life harder before it gets better. Good luck.

I think you have said what I know to be right. Trouble is it will cause ructions in all directions.... so easier to be miserable for the rest of my days. I must man up and make the decision. But then again is the grass just greener and I'll be even more miserable? I need to get a grip and make some decisions.

Of course, you don’t have to end a bad relationship. It can be addressed and improved.

[OMITN]

As others have said, counselling.

Not all counselling or counsellors are equal - you may need to find the right type of therapy and the right counsellor.

Be prepared for it to be very uncomfortable, but also know that it will help you find a way through. You don’t just have to put up with how you feel.

You may also wish to consider speaking to your GP to assess if you need medication. Don’t be afraid of this - often you need it for a period of time to give yourself the headspace to work through the counselling.

You have described a host of things going on, all of which need time and space for you to work through. The relationship element is a huge thing in its own right - suggest you start down the oath with a good counsellor on everything and then work out how you’re going to address that one.

TLDR: I’d work on you before making any big life-changing decisions.

Edited by OMITN on Tuesday 17th January 19:55

[Steve_H80]

As has been said talk to your doc, probably some counselling, possibly relationship counselling if you want to continue the relationship.
It might also be worth just getting away 'with the lads' for a few long weekends, be that fishing, hill walking, motorcycling, golf, whatever floats your boat.
It sounds like you're still running your executive mindset, but it's got nothing to manage!

[Scarletpimpofnel]

Thanks all for comments. I am reading each and every one and thinking about each in the context of my life...

[imck]

Echo the counselling comments.

I am early 50s and never thought it would be something for me.
We had an eventful 2022 which lead my partner going for PTSD. Really helped her.

I had been down with some anxiety for ages.
Took the plunge and it helped me enormously. Offloading what seemed absolutely stupid things helped.
Had 6 sessions. And have some techniques to cope/distract.

[Scarletpimpofnel]

imck said:

Echo the counselling comments.

I am early 50s and never thought it would be something for me.
We had an eventful 2022 which lead my partner going for PTSD. Really helped her.

I had been down with some anxiety for ages.
Took the plunge and it helped me enormously. Offloading what seemed absolutely stupid things helped.
Had 6 sessions. And have some techniques to cope/distract.

Thanks. Exactly where do you find a counsellor of the right type? What am I looking for?

[MYOB]

Counselling isn’t necessarily for everyone. Personally I wouldn’t entertain the notion of talking to a stranger but I appreciate it can work for others.

As above, I suspect the relationship is the key issue.

It might help to compartmentalise the issues and deal with them one at a time. Might help to prioritise them too. But I fear your emotional state may not change if you’re intending to persevere with the relationship that you appear appreciate.

It’s quite clear you need some stimulus in your life to drive you forward.

Best of luck.

[Steve H]

PositronicRay said:

Keeping busy ( not stressful busy) and exercise helps me, so some dog walking and voluntary work really help.

This makes sense to me. If you are used to being too busy then too steady isn’t necessarily going to be an improvement.

How long is it since you packed in the 12 hour days?



The relationship question is another matter, if it’s really that bad is anyone benefitting from it continuing?

[imck]

Scarletpimpofnel said:

Thanks. Exactly where do you find a counsellor of the right type? What am I looking for?

I googled and found somewhere local to me.
Had a (free) call for 20 mins or so to explain my problems and what I hoped to achieve.
My Partner used a Psychotherapist. Mine was a Clinical Psychologist.

The one I used is also listed here, so might be a good place to start looking.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling.

It will be around £100/Hour if you are paying.
Best money I have spent in a long time.

[OMITN]

Scarletpimpofnel said:

Thanks. Exactly where do you find a counsellor of the right type? What am I looking for?

Google is the best place to see who’s local to you.

They will describe what sort of “methods” they work with. You may need to spend a little time finding the right sort.

I expect that you will find the right one generally, but you may need to do something different (couples therapy) on the relationship front.

This stuff feels scary, but you are not going to be judged by a therapist. They may challenge you (when they think you’re ready for it) but it will be done in a safe and respectful way. If ever you feel it isn’t working, you’re with your rights to do something else.

I’ve had some executive coaching for my career and my wife has used a therapist after she suffered huge burnout in 2021. In fact she still sees the therapist and I think it does her a load of good.

Be prepared for it to feel weird at first and for it to take some time. When you say fk it and just let go it becomes much easier. And the best thing is they’re a professional stranger so you won’t encounter them in the pub..!