Taking car keys from Dementia Dad
Discussion
Hi everyone, maybe someone out there with similar experience who might be able to help/sympathise....
My Dad who is 81 over the last few months has been diagnosed with dementia. He lives on his own (his wife died about 18 months ago) but in a block of flats for older people.
He has pretty limited mobility due to a worsening curvature of the spine so can't walk far at all.
Recently his dementia has got much worse, some days he can't remember where he lives and thinks he lives somewhere completely random or thinks he is staying in a hotel or something else completely odd. A few weeks back he drove his car to the local town and completely forgot where he parked it. Luckily a kind sole took pity as he was pretty upset and managed to drive him home. We took 24 hours but we eventually found the car in a place he wouldn't normally park.
Now obviously we are very concerned for his safety, I think he was lucky that someone was kind to him and didn't just mug him instead, he doesn't live in a particularly nice town.
So we took the tough decision to "hold" his car keys for him, he will get himself lost, lose the car again or worse have an accident and hurt someone else. His personal mobility in itself is concern enough that he wouldn't be able to do an emergency stop if he needed too and would be much worse if he was distracted whilst he was lost.
Now, he is a proud man and has dementia, which means he won't easily accept he isn't fit to drive (he was a rep so effectively drove for a living all be it 40 years ago). He's getting pretty angry about the whole thing. When we do manage to make him see sense he quickly forgets and reverts to anger saying he is trapped at home with no means to get around.
We have arranged regular Tesco deliveries so he isn't without food, but he point blank refuses to get a taxi, and couldn't manage a bus (and some sort of mobility buggy is apparently an outrageous suggestion).
He thinks he has done some sort of driving assessment, which he passed, but when he tells us about it things don't add up. We suspect it's not a real memory although very real to him. He also used to get "lost" quite a lot so apparently misplacing his car is not unusual to him. I have never known him to not eventually find it even if it took a bit longer than expected.
So we are stuck, he is very angry and upset, which I understand, but ultimately he isn't safe to drive.
I'm pulling what's left of my hair out as I keep having the same discussion with him over and over again. He gets angry and I get upset.
Local doctors seem to want to have very little to do with it. We got him assessed by the local memory clinic to get the diagnoses but as he refused any further help they discharged him from their care.
Sorry for the long tale, thanks for reading. If anyone has any similar experience I would love to hear from you....
My Dad who is 81 over the last few months has been diagnosed with dementia. He lives on his own (his wife died about 18 months ago) but in a block of flats for older people.
He has pretty limited mobility due to a worsening curvature of the spine so can't walk far at all.
Recently his dementia has got much worse, some days he can't remember where he lives and thinks he lives somewhere completely random or thinks he is staying in a hotel or something else completely odd. A few weeks back he drove his car to the local town and completely forgot where he parked it. Luckily a kind sole took pity as he was pretty upset and managed to drive him home. We took 24 hours but we eventually found the car in a place he wouldn't normally park.
Now obviously we are very concerned for his safety, I think he was lucky that someone was kind to him and didn't just mug him instead, he doesn't live in a particularly nice town.
So we took the tough decision to "hold" his car keys for him, he will get himself lost, lose the car again or worse have an accident and hurt someone else. His personal mobility in itself is concern enough that he wouldn't be able to do an emergency stop if he needed too and would be much worse if he was distracted whilst he was lost.
Now, he is a proud man and has dementia, which means he won't easily accept he isn't fit to drive (he was a rep so effectively drove for a living all be it 40 years ago). He's getting pretty angry about the whole thing. When we do manage to make him see sense he quickly forgets and reverts to anger saying he is trapped at home with no means to get around.
We have arranged regular Tesco deliveries so he isn't without food, but he point blank refuses to get a taxi, and couldn't manage a bus (and some sort of mobility buggy is apparently an outrageous suggestion).
He thinks he has done some sort of driving assessment, which he passed, but when he tells us about it things don't add up. We suspect it's not a real memory although very real to him. He also used to get "lost" quite a lot so apparently misplacing his car is not unusual to him. I have never known him to not eventually find it even if it took a bit longer than expected.
So we are stuck, he is very angry and upset, which I understand, but ultimately he isn't safe to drive.
I'm pulling what's left of my hair out as I keep having the same discussion with him over and over again. He gets angry and I get upset.
Local doctors seem to want to have very little to do with it. We got him assessed by the local memory clinic to get the diagnoses but as he refused any further help they discharged him from their care.
Sorry for the long tale, thanks for reading. If anyone has any similar experience I would love to hear from you....
Hasn’t happened to me - thank goodness. I have an aged parent still driving but none of the issues you describe.
FWIW though I think you have done *exactly* the right thing. And I can well see that it will lead to anger and repeated conversations about why it’s happened, but you’ve just got to weather those and stand your ground.
Good luck, but overwhelmingly: well done.
FWIW though I think you have done *exactly* the right thing. And I can well see that it will lead to anger and repeated conversations about why it’s happened, but you’ve just got to weather those and stand your ground.
Good luck, but overwhelmingly: well done.
motco said:
Wouldn't DVLA rescind his licence if they somehow discovered his condition. You could dress it up as an new maximum age limit law. Cruel to lie, but necessary sadly. having had to deal with M-in-L's descent into dementia you have my sympathy. She never drove though.
Get someone to knock up a fake webpage with the 'new law' on it, and print it off to show him?
It's tricky..I know I'll put up all sorts of a fight when my time comes.
Just been through the same thing with my mother in law (who's 91).
I sat her down & explained why she just wasn't safe, and it's not all about her. In fairly short order she knew I was talking sense.
I feel for you OP.
Just been through the same thing with my mother in law (who's 91).
I sat her down & explained why she just wasn't safe, and it's not all about her. In fairly short order she knew I was talking sense.
I feel for you OP.
wazztie16 said:
motco said:
Wouldn't DVLA rescind his licence if they somehow discovered his condition. You could dress it up as an new maximum age limit law. Cruel to lie, but necessary sadly. having had to deal with M-in-L's descent into dementia you have my sympathy. She never drove though.
Get someone to knock up a fake webpage with the 'new law' on it, and print it off to show him?OP - you have my sympathies as this is a difficult situation to navigate. I had similar circumstances with my (late) father. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia in December 2012 following a series of mini strokes (TIAs). It became apparent that his driving ability was poor, my mother didn’t want to be in the car with him as he clipped kerbs and had poor awareness of hazards. A bigger worry was possible risk to other road users or pedestrians. I phoned the DVLA and explained, provided his details - it’s all dealt with confidentially - and they wrote to him asking him to attend a nearby location for a driving assessment. My brother took him and an assessor jumped in the car, asking my brother to remain behind. Within a few minutes they drove back in as Dad’s poor driving ability was immediately apparent. They advised him there and then. My brother drove them home. Dad actually took the decision well. I suspect an independent and official view carries more weight than well meaning family members trying to do the right thing. Shortly after he was asked to surrender his licence. Dad never found out that I had ‘forced’ the situation and we were all glad he was off the roads. Hopefully you can create an equally positive outcome for all although you may need to be prepared to offer help and lifts.
Best of luck with this and what may be increasingly difficult years supporting your father through dementia.
Best of luck with this and what may be increasingly difficult years supporting your father through dementia.
There is no easy answer. Dementia is a f
ker.
My dad eventually stopped driving because my brother's cambelt broke. He gave him his car.
Which was great, until he told my mum he was saving for a new one.
In all seriousnress I'd echo the posts about the DVLA. If you know his GP they might be able to help raise the subject. My dad's was prompted to ask about driving.
ker. My dad eventually stopped driving because my brother's cambelt broke. He gave him his car.
Which was great, until he told my mum he was saving for a new one.
In all seriousnress I'd echo the posts about the DVLA. If you know his GP they might be able to help raise the subject. My dad's was prompted to ask about driving.
Mines the same age but thankfully no issues, can't imagine how hard it is so my sympathies.
In the meantime while you work out a good approach, it's worth fitting a tracker (apple tag etc...) somewhere in the car so at least you can recover it when he next parks it up and has trouble remembering where.
In the meantime while you work out a good approach, it's worth fitting a tracker (apple tag etc...) somewhere in the car so at least you can recover it when he next parks it up and has trouble remembering where.
I have been to a similar place with my mother. She is 90 and not fit to drive for the past three years. I have found it very difficult indeed . She can not see her inability to drive . I currently have her car at my house. We are keeping it for her until she becomes able to drive again. That's never going to happen but it is the method we arrived at to lessen the pain . On another tack what are the insurance costs my mother's became very high indeed before we started looking after her car. She will never drive again but we have taken a step on that , she somehow believes it's not the end of driving.
One final thought and I know you will have already been there . If he runs over someone in January, you will never forgive yourself . Sorry to say it but I have been in the same place with the same concerns.
One final thought and I know you will have already been there . If he runs over someone in January, you will never forgive yourself . Sorry to say it but I have been in the same place with the same concerns.
Have you checked that your dads driving license is actually valid? Mine forgot to renew his, mum realised after a month or so, it was then a case of he had to stop immediately. Then needed to get a cert from the docs which we then didn’t get around to trying to arrange, he would have failed anyway. Dad was a car nut , surprisingly after a month or so not driving really did not bother him.
Does your dad actually know you have found his car? Could it stay ‘lost’.
When mine left his bicycle somewhere (we never found it and went awol for 7 hours), it was a case of ‘if you can remember where it is I’ll go and get it’ After about a week he seemed to have forgotten about it.
I think we were lucky with my father in that the period where he was aware he could not do stuff so got frustrated was quite short. Good luck OP it can be hard seeing someone you know deteriorating, mine managed 37 years in the army without a physical scratch but now barely responds.
Does your dad actually know you have found his car? Could it stay ‘lost’.
When mine left his bicycle somewhere (we never found it and went awol for 7 hours), it was a case of ‘if you can remember where it is I’ll go and get it’ After about a week he seemed to have forgotten about it.
I think we were lucky with my father in that the period where he was aware he could not do stuff so got frustrated was quite short. Good luck OP it can be hard seeing someone you know deteriorating, mine managed 37 years in the army without a physical scratch but now barely responds.
If hes been diagnosed with dementia by a GP then he has a legal obligation to inform DVLA.
https://www.gov.uk/dementia-and-driving
https://www.gov.uk/dementia-and-driving
Edited by A500leroy on Saturday 31st December 18:14
Spice_Weasel said:
OP - you have my sympathies as this is a difficult situation to navigate. I had similar circumstances with my (late) father. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia in December 2012 following a series of mini strokes (TIAs). It became apparent that his driving ability was poor, my mother didn’t want to be in the car with him as he clipped kerbs and had poor awareness of hazards. A bigger worry was possible risk to other road users or pedestrians. I phoned the DVLA and explained, provided his details - it’s all dealt with confidentially - and they wrote to him asking him to attend a nearby location for a driving assessment. My brother took him and an assessor jumped in the car, asking my brother to remain behind. Within a few minutes they drove back in as Dad’s poor driving ability was immediately apparent. They advised him there and then. My brother drove them home. Dad actually took the decision well. I suspect an independent and official view carries more weight than well meaning family members trying to do the right thing. Shortly after he was asked to surrender his licence. Dad never found out that I had ‘forced’ the situation and we were all glad he was off the roads. Hopefully you can create an equally positive outcome for all although you may need to be prepared to offer help and lifts.
Best of luck with this and what may be increasingly difficult years supporting your father through dementia.
My Dad had the same (suspect it was why he had a few "incidents" at the end of his working life at a Ford dealership). We weren't privy to this route, the general consensus was that he had to self report which he was never going to do. My sister started taking the keys off him which led to an explosive incident which resulted in him being sectioned and never going home.Best of luck with this and what may be increasingly difficult years supporting your father through dementia.
There is no easy answer to this problem but we'd have taken the arguments all day long over him killing someone out on the roads. We stopped letting him drive our kids a couple of years before the end.
A500leroy said:
If hes been diagnosed with dementia by a GP then he has a legal obligation to inform DVLA.
Maybe the GP / neurologist that made the diagnosis has an obligation to let DVLA know?There's dementia and dementia (lots of variants) but you don't know how fast it will progress.
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