Balancing life between OH and Mum
Discussion
Hi everyone! Looooong time lurker, first time poster! Hopefully the fact that my first post isn't car related isn't too much of a faux pas...
So to set the scene - i'm 32, and engaged to be married at the end of next August. I live with my OH about 12 miles away from my Mum, I call her daily and visit most weekends and after work in the week. My Mum is a widow who lives on her own since my Stepdad passed away 5 years ago. She's not got loads of friends and isn't brilliant on her own. She has very strong opinions sometimes, but can also be very caring and is very generous. (Sounds like a dating profile...)
The problem that I continuously face is balancing my new life with my OH, and still "taking care" of my Mum. I struggle to see the line sometimes, which affects my life with my OH as I spend so much time feeling guilty and worried about my Mum being on her own.
Example - my OH is wedding dress shopping with her Mum and Sister today. My Mum has made it very clear over the months since we got engaged that she'd love to be involved, but my OH hasn't invited her so far. Here's where I struggle: 1 side of me says that it's her (our) wedding day, and it is up to her who she invites; the other half of me says that she knows how important it is for me and my Mum that she gets invited, so should invite her to some of it. I told my Mum what they were doing this weekend and it went down like a sack of spuds... This is just one example of the rubbish that goes on in my head, and I'm fed up with it affecting our lives.
Anyway, that's a long first post - any thoughts are welcomed thank you.
So to set the scene - i'm 32, and engaged to be married at the end of next August. I live with my OH about 12 miles away from my Mum, I call her daily and visit most weekends and after work in the week. My Mum is a widow who lives on her own since my Stepdad passed away 5 years ago. She's not got loads of friends and isn't brilliant on her own. She has very strong opinions sometimes, but can also be very caring and is very generous. (Sounds like a dating profile...)
The problem that I continuously face is balancing my new life with my OH, and still "taking care" of my Mum. I struggle to see the line sometimes, which affects my life with my OH as I spend so much time feeling guilty and worried about my Mum being on her own.
Example - my OH is wedding dress shopping with her Mum and Sister today. My Mum has made it very clear over the months since we got engaged that she'd love to be involved, but my OH hasn't invited her so far. Here's where I struggle: 1 side of me says that it's her (our) wedding day, and it is up to her who she invites; the other half of me says that she knows how important it is for me and my Mum that she gets invited, so should invite her to some of it. I told my Mum what they were doing this weekend and it went down like a sack of spuds... This is just one example of the rubbish that goes on in my head, and I'm fed up with it affecting our lives.
Anyway, that's a long first post - any thoughts are welcomed thank you.
Good luck, I've had to deal with 'issues' between my wife and mother for as long as we've been together. My father died 22 yrs ago so balancing it since then.
It's really f
king difficult and I still haven't got it sorted. With Crimbo coming up, makes it all like balancing on a tightrope!!!
So, I haven't got an answer for you!!
It's really f
king difficult and I still haven't got it sorted. With Crimbo coming up, makes it all like balancing on a tightrope!!!So, I haven't got an answer for you!!
Definitely keep in touch with your mum, but a daily call sounds a bit much tbh, she's not going to get her own life sorted if you're re the highlight of every day.
As for weddings, I don't honestly think the MiL would be the top of anyones list when they're wedding dress shopping. That's something that your fiancee has been planning with her sister and mum for years, and no matter how lovely your mum might be, I don't think she should be involved.
You need to cut the apron strings before it's too late
As for weddings, I don't honestly think the MiL would be the top of anyones list when they're wedding dress shopping. That's something that your fiancee has been planning with her sister and mum for years, and no matter how lovely your mum might be, I don't think she should be involved.
You need to cut the apron strings before it's too late
Does you OH get on with your mum, If she doesn't why would she invite her to be part of her wedding preparations. If she does, I'm pretty sure she would get her involved. My mother is a nightmare and very high maintenance, I wouldn't expect my OH to get involved unless she wants too. Life is too short to spend it trying to make others happy at the expense of your own feelings. Neither of our parents got involved with our wedding plans, her mother spat her dummy out and I told her that was exactly why she was not involved, my OH agreed.
Yep - some common themes popping up thanks.
I agree about the daily calls and visits, i just don't know how to change that without causing a row.
My Mum and OH do get on well, but my OH is well aware of the strong opinions and the pull my Mum has on me. They have a strong relationship really, it's just that my OH can see where the line is and i don't think my Mum can/wants to.
I agree about the daily calls and visits, i just don't know how to change that without causing a row.
My Mum and OH do get on well, but my OH is well aware of the strong opinions and the pull my Mum has on me. They have a strong relationship really, it's just that my OH can see where the line is and i don't think my Mum can/wants to.
If you want to involve your mum in the Wedding take her with you to choose your suit or other such piece for you.
You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
JensonMcRae said:
Yep - some common themes popping up thanks.
I agree about the daily calls and visits, i just don't know how to change that without causing a row.
My Mum and OH do get on well, but my OH is well aware of the strong opinions and the pull my Mum has on me. They have a strong relationship really, it's just that my OH can see where the line is and i don't think my Mum can/wants to.
You won't do it without a row, but you do need to do it, otherwise your marriage will be massively affected. I agree about the daily calls and visits, i just don't know how to change that without causing a row.
My Mum and OH do get on well, but my OH is well aware of the strong opinions and the pull my Mum has on me. They have a strong relationship really, it's just that my OH can see where the line is and i don't think my Mum can/wants to.
A call a couple of times a week and a visit once a week is perfectly fine, and if you need to tell your mum that you're getting married and need to focus on that, then that's what you need to do.
sherman said:
If you want to involve your mum in the Wedding take her with you to choose your suit or other such piece for you.
You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Yes that makes sense. Just to clarify though - I go for a cup of tea 1 evening a week and a phone call on the way from work every day.You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Wedding suit wise I was hoping to go with Fil, my Dad, best men. So is my Mum coming along a bit weird?!
JensonMcRae said:
sherman said:
If you want to involve your mum in the Wedding take her with you to choose your suit or other such piece for you.
You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Yes that makes sense. Just to clarify though - I go for a cup of tea 1 evening a week and a phone call on the way from work every day.You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Wedding suit wise I was hoping to go with Fil, my Dad, best men. So is my Mum coming along a bit weird?!
JensonMcRae said:
Yes that makes sense. Just to clarify though - I go for a cup of tea 1 evening a week and a phone call on the way from work every day.
Wedding suit wise I was hoping to go with Fil, my Dad, best men. So is my Mum coming along a bit weird?!
Take your mum cufflink shopping for intance. It doesnt need to be the suit exactly. Just something to make her feel involved in the process. Wedding suit wise I was hoping to go with Fil, my Dad, best men. So is my Mum coming along a bit weird?!
sociopath said:
JensonMcRae said:
sherman said:
If you want to involve your mum in the Wedding take her with you to choose your suit or other such piece for you.
You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Yes that makes sense. Just to clarify though - I go for a cup of tea 1 evening a week and a phone call on the way from work every day.You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Wedding suit wise I was hoping to go with Fil, my Dad, best men. So is my Mum coming along a bit weird?!
JensonMcRae said:
sherman said:
If you want to involve your mum in the Wedding take her with you to choose your suit or other such piece for you.
You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Yes that makes sense. Just to clarify though - I go for a cup of tea 1 evening a week and a phone call on the way from work every day.You need to call a bit less. One decent catchup call a week is probably enough really.
Same goes for going round most evening. Dinner every so often will feel more special than a cup of tea most evenings.
Wedding suit wise I was hoping to go with Fil, my Dad, best men. So is my Mum coming along a bit weird?!
Yes - It’s a man thing, having your Mum there is a little odd IMO.
Nothing wrong with a weekly visit, but calling every day? If your Mum can’t survive without speaking to you daily, that’s a little concerning.
I speak to mine once a week, on FaceTime, with the odd WhatsApp message in between if something significant has happened.
I look forward to our chats a lot, but I think I’d run out of things to say if I spoke to her every day. My OH is the same with her Mum.
If you're early 30s your mum is going to be in her 50s, perhaps early 60s? And widowed 5 years you say. I would say she needs to be moving on now and starting to reestablish her own friends and relationships, not being reliant on you.
It's going to be difficult for you but if you don't do something now to cut those apron strings I don't hold much hope of your wedding lasting or of your mum finding happiness again.
Sorry, but I can't see a way to sugar coat it.
It's going to be difficult for you but if you don't do something now to cut those apron strings I don't hold much hope of your wedding lasting or of your mum finding happiness again.
Sorry, but I can't see a way to sugar coat it.
I wonder how much of this is coming from your mum and how much is coming from you.
From your op you mention a lot of anxiety about not looking after your mum, anxiety can really mess with your head.
Has your mum outright said that she’s angry or sad about not being at the dress fitting?
Have you spoken to your mum or partner about how you’re feeling?
From your op you mention a lot of anxiety about not looking after your mum, anxiety can really mess with your head.
Has your mum outright said that she’s angry or sad about not being at the dress fitting?
Have you spoken to your mum or partner about how you’re feeling?
Thanks all, like I said - some definite themes. The main one being to cut the apron strings. The question is, how do I do that?
To answer some of the other points made above:
Cuff link shopping - I think I'm going to do this, but with shoes as well. May do some 'recces' of suit shops before I go with everyone else.
The dress has now been bought and my Mum has not taken it well. She's taken it very personally, slagging off the family (not my OH) to me and saying that she's obviously an outsider. She can't understand what the harm in her going to the dress shops would've caused.
I have always made it clear to my OH that although I'd appreciate it if my Mum was invited, whatever she wanted to do was her choice and I back it. It's her experience and I've tried very hard to not exert any pressure (which I think worked). She's asked how my Mum has taken it and I've just told her that she was disappointed and left it at that.
I have spoken to my OH many many times over the 'Mum issues' I have and whilst being very supportive, she's never been a fan of the calls and visits but realises how my Mum needs a bit more than others. She wants us (like me) to have more control over our own lives.
Tbh some of the comments here have made me realise about priorities. I didn't realise that I was putting my Mum first, for example. My OH and our life is always going to be number 1 for me, but my actions probably don't show that.
To answer some of the other points made above:
Cuff link shopping - I think I'm going to do this, but with shoes as well. May do some 'recces' of suit shops before I go with everyone else.
The dress has now been bought and my Mum has not taken it well. She's taken it very personally, slagging off the family (not my OH) to me and saying that she's obviously an outsider. She can't understand what the harm in her going to the dress shops would've caused.
I have always made it clear to my OH that although I'd appreciate it if my Mum was invited, whatever she wanted to do was her choice and I back it. It's her experience and I've tried very hard to not exert any pressure (which I think worked). She's asked how my Mum has taken it and I've just told her that she was disappointed and left it at that.
I have spoken to my OH many many times over the 'Mum issues' I have and whilst being very supportive, she's never been a fan of the calls and visits but realises how my Mum needs a bit more than others. She wants us (like me) to have more control over our own lives.
Tbh some of the comments here have made me realise about priorities. I didn't realise that I was putting my Mum first, for example. My OH and our life is always going to be number 1 for me, but my actions probably don't show that.
ZedLeg said:
I wonder how much of this is coming from your mum and how much is coming from you.
From your op you mention a lot of anxiety about not looking after your mum, anxiety can really mess with your head.
Has your mum outright said that she’s angry or sad about not being at the dress fitting?
Have you spoken to your mum or partner about how you’re feeling?
Tbh this is a very valid point, but I've worked on this a lot and I'm a lot better than I used to be. I used to get very anxious when I thought my Mum was missing out or would disapprove but now I care a lot less. For example if I'd made a plan to see her sometimes she may text and say "don't worry about coming round, I'm fine, just ring me later", I would then reply to tell her it was no bother and go round anyway. Yesterday this happened and I just went "okay, speak to you later then". PROGRESS!!From your op you mention a lot of anxiety about not looking after your mum, anxiety can really mess with your head.
Has your mum outright said that she’s angry or sad about not being at the dress fitting?
Have you spoken to your mum or partner about how you’re feeling?
OP
I ended up looking after my mum for around 20 years.
I'm an only child, not sure whether you are or not.
Be very careful, set your stall out NOW about how you want the next 20 years to work!
Don't read this and think about it, make the changes now please.
You don't have to be an arse, however begin to put in place the way future will look!
I ended up looking after my mum for around 20 years.
I'm an only child, not sure whether you are or not.
Be very careful, set your stall out NOW about how you want the next 20 years to work!
Don't read this and think about it, make the changes now please.
You don't have to be an arse, however begin to put in place the way future will look!
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