Shock ending of marriage
Discussion
After 15 years of marriage and 28 years together my wife told me our marriage was over after an outburst from me at our 18 year old daughter. She says I have flicked a switch in her head and and she cannot be with me anymore.
I am in total shock, in the space of 2 weeks I've had to leave the home, sleep at various hotels, friends, and my sisters home. Tomorrow I move into a shared house as I'm not sure I can afford a place on my own at the moment, I've got to give up a new job I've recently taken, and go back to my old job as its pays a bit more, and I've ultimately I've lost my wife, children, home, and even dog. In 14 days my life has turned upside down. I'm terrified of the future, I've barely slept, I do not know how I am functioning. I don't even think the enormity of the situation has hit me yet.
My wife was my best friend, we spent a lot of time together, there was no indication she felt this way. I've struggled with complex PTSD for a very long time and I know I've been difficult to live with at times, but despite this our relationship was not toxic, we had a good marriage, and I know she loves me deeply, she's just saying I've tired her out and she can't do it anymore.
Our 2 teenage children are ignoring me, so that's killing me as well. I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve this, I work hard, I just try to make things the best I can for them, but now it's gone. My wife is fantastic, of course she had her faults, but who hasn't?
My whole future has been blown up. I'll miss my kids growing into adults, I doubt I'll ever own my own home now, and of course I've lost my best friend of the past 28 years. I've heard and read countless accounts of men and their "awful" ex wives, and toxic relationships, but ours was nothing like that. We were just starting to get to a point where we could start doing things together again as the kids have become more independent. She talked about going away on our own, going out for meals, walks etc, with just the 2 of us, and then out of the blue, it's gone. I don't how I come back from this.
I am in total shock, in the space of 2 weeks I've had to leave the home, sleep at various hotels, friends, and my sisters home. Tomorrow I move into a shared house as I'm not sure I can afford a place on my own at the moment, I've got to give up a new job I've recently taken, and go back to my old job as its pays a bit more, and I've ultimately I've lost my wife, children, home, and even dog. In 14 days my life has turned upside down. I'm terrified of the future, I've barely slept, I do not know how I am functioning. I don't even think the enormity of the situation has hit me yet.
My wife was my best friend, we spent a lot of time together, there was no indication she felt this way. I've struggled with complex PTSD for a very long time and I know I've been difficult to live with at times, but despite this our relationship was not toxic, we had a good marriage, and I know she loves me deeply, she's just saying I've tired her out and she can't do it anymore.
Our 2 teenage children are ignoring me, so that's killing me as well. I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve this, I work hard, I just try to make things the best I can for them, but now it's gone. My wife is fantastic, of course she had her faults, but who hasn't?
My whole future has been blown up. I'll miss my kids growing into adults, I doubt I'll ever own my own home now, and of course I've lost my best friend of the past 28 years. I've heard and read countless accounts of men and their "awful" ex wives, and toxic relationships, but ours was nothing like that. We were just starting to get to a point where we could start doing things together again as the kids have become more independent. She talked about going away on our own, going out for meals, walks etc, with just the 2 of us, and then out of the blue, it's gone. I don't how I come back from this.
Abdul Abulbul Amir said:
Why have you needed to leave your home?
She told me to go, so I did, I tried to go back, but that was a disaster. I thought I could cope being back in the house but I couldn't. Her total coldness towards me and matter of fact attitude towards what I was telling her was going to happen was too much for me. I couldn't handle it. She just reiterated that she was tired, I'd broken her heart with my outburst, and I'd never ever do it again. In which case I would reiterate that you need to see a solicitor asap mate. Today if possible. I haven't been through it myself, but I gather that an angry woman can ruin you financially, even more so than a more amicable divorce.
You need to protect yourself and your assets, whilst trying to keep the peace.
Also, I hope you can sort this out - if you need counselling/therapy/other then do that asap too - at least you can say you tried.
You need to protect yourself and your assets, whilst trying to keep the peace.
Also, I hope you can sort this out - if you need counselling/therapy/other then do that asap too - at least you can say you tried.
There's a big disconnect between what you're saying and her actions, and clearly you're not getting there through asking more questions, maybe because you're not asking the right ones.
If she's willing, try and get some counselling on the matter, ideally both of you. Even if it doesn't return the relationship to where it was, at least it should be amicable. And hopefully, at the very least, it'll give you some answers.
I agree with others. At the moment you're putting significant financial and mental stress on yourself. Unless your wife wants to start making criminal accusations, you have every right to stay in the home and I suggest you do until you have some plan in place.
If she's willing, try and get some counselling on the matter, ideally both of you. Even if it doesn't return the relationship to where it was, at least it should be amicable. And hopefully, at the very least, it'll give you some answers.
I agree with others. At the moment you're putting significant financial and mental stress on yourself. Unless your wife wants to start making criminal accusations, you have every right to stay in the home and I suggest you do until you have some plan in place.
I'm sorry to hear about your problems and it is probably very traumatic for you at the moment. As a bunch of blokes it's very easy to look at this as a problem to be solved and what to do to solve the problem but I think the first thing you need is to find some sort of support network and stability again in your life before tackling the reasons why your relationship well part in the first place. You can try looking to your sister and friends to confide in if they are able and willing to provide more than just a spare bed to crash at.
Harden your heart, reluctantly accept it and move on. take your share of the house and things and get on with life.
You will never get her back and I am sure there will be more to this that you will discover in future.
Do not argue, do not beg, do not do anything that could be considered wrong and you might have a fairly easy time of this but I wouldn't bet on it.
You will never get her back and I am sure there will be more to this that you will discover in future.
Do not argue, do not beg, do not do anything that could be considered wrong and you might have a fairly easy time of this but I wouldn't bet on it.
Don't leave your home. Mistake 1. If she wants it over she may leave. Sleep on the sofa if you must. It's your home, you've paid for. If it needs sold and split, so be it. The kids are over 18 now so financially you won't be bumped for them. Take your half and get yourself a 1 bedroom flat or the like. You'll easily have a place of your own. She wants you gone and the house. Won't happen if you won't let it. Its hard but fact is she will have another man moved in the house you paid if you just walk away from it. Dont allow it.
Been through similar.
I moved out, because it was her who was upset, and it was 'my fault'
Everyone said move back in
I didn't
BIGGEST MISTAKE
When the proceedings get in full swing, it doesn't matter what is written, so much as how it looks, you will be seen to have 'given up' your rights to that place and its worth.
You're getting advice here from a load of strangers, and it easy to ignore, but look at the trend in advice here and take the general consensus as a sign and direction.
You don't have to throw your weight about, but there are basics that should be done.
I left as I could start over and she couldn't.
It still irks me however that I lost out on a massive asset
I lost my daughter too
You can only control your decisions and behaviour. Do what you can but be prepared to let go, you only have one life, don't waste too much of moping or grieving. Get the emotions out, talk to trusted friends and keep moving forwards.
and also... you'll be ok. It took me 3 further relationships, and about 10 years, but I'm in the best place ever. DO NOT throw the towel in.. get sensible non-combative legal advice.
good luck
I moved out, because it was her who was upset, and it was 'my fault'
Everyone said move back in
I didn't
BIGGEST MISTAKE
When the proceedings get in full swing, it doesn't matter what is written, so much as how it looks, you will be seen to have 'given up' your rights to that place and its worth.
You're getting advice here from a load of strangers, and it easy to ignore, but look at the trend in advice here and take the general consensus as a sign and direction.
You don't have to throw your weight about, but there are basics that should be done.
I left as I could start over and she couldn't.
It still irks me however that I lost out on a massive asset
I lost my daughter too
You can only control your decisions and behaviour. Do what you can but be prepared to let go, you only have one life, don't waste too much of moping or grieving. Get the emotions out, talk to trusted friends and keep moving forwards.
and also... you'll be ok. It took me 3 further relationships, and about 10 years, but I'm in the best place ever. DO NOT throw the towel in.. get sensible non-combative legal advice.
good luck
Mo172 said:
Abdul Abulbul Amir said:
Why have you needed to leave your home?
She told me to go, so I did, I tried to go back, but that was a disaster. I thought I could cope being back in the house but I couldn't. Her total coldness towards me and matter of fact attitude towards what I was telling her was going to happen was too much for me. I couldn't handle it. She just reiterated that she was tired, I'd broken her heart with my outburst, and I'd never ever do it again. I don't want you to answer this on here but what was your sex life like before this all blew up ?
I suspect it was non existent or infrequent and when it did happen you instigated and she went along with it like her heart wasn't in it.
If that's correct, and again, you don't need to post here, Id say this has been in her mind a while.
Does she work ? does she have external hobbies ? is she secretive with her phone ?
Get legal advice and protect yourself.
I suspect it was non existent or infrequent and when it did happen you instigated and she went along with it like her heart wasn't in it.
If that's correct, and again, you don't need to post here, Id say this has been in her mind a while.
Does she work ? does she have external hobbies ? is she secretive with her phone ?
Get legal advice and protect yourself.
hotchy said:
Don't leave your home. Mistake 1. If she wants it over she may leave. Sleep on the sofa if you must. It's your home, you've paid for. If it needs sold and split, so be it. The kids are over 18 now so financially you won't be bumped for them. Take your half and get yourself a 1 bedroom flat or the like. You'll easily have a place of your own. She wants you gone and the house. Won't happen if you won't let it. Its hard but fact is she will have another man moved in the house you paid if you just walk away from it. Dont allow it.
Totally agree with this. My brother got screwed over royally when he left his marital home. Kids were poisoned, man moved in straight away, she took all the savings and business they had going together and racked up all thousands upon thousands of debt in his name and my brother ended up moving back in with our dad and terminally ill mum for years until he got himself back on his feet. You need to get back in there asap.
Mo172 said:
We were just starting to get to a point where we could start doing things together again as the kids have become more independent. She talked about going away on our own, going out for meals, walks etc, with just the 2 of us, and then out of the blue, it's gone.
Did she live for the kids - maybe she's panicking about the kids not being dependant on her?Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff