Family, death and mental health
Discussion
Yesterday at around six in the evening, I received a phone call from a cousin who I had not spoken to for over thirty years. When I realised who it was, I knew it wasn't going to be good news. Sadly I was right, she told me that my sister had died earlier that day (possibly a heart attack), she was in her late fifties. I was shocked, still cannot stop thinking about it, but it gets worse and more complicated. My sister had never left home, was still living with my father on the IoW, where they moved ten years ago, which meant that they had gone from an easy one hour drive from us, to a two hour drive plus ferry. My father is in his early nineties and has dementia and he is currently in A&E. I have spoken to the doctors and although he is confused he is in good health. I plan to go there on Monday, but I haven't a key for the property, although I know the cousin who phoned me has, as do one of the neighbours, but I don't know which one. The future is very daunting, because I know my father is going to have to move back to the mainland, to be very close to me (Our house is not big enough for the three of us infortunately).
I would just like some advice if anyone has gone through a similar situation. I need to organise the funeral for my sister, care for my father, the nightmare of the administration of the house. I don't know if they have a family solicitor, or if my sister had power of attorney for my father. I cannot help thinking of my father's house, empty, with two people who I don't really know having access to it.
I would just like some advice if anyone has gone through a similar situation. I need to organise the funeral for my sister, care for my father, the nightmare of the administration of the house. I don't know if they have a family solicitor, or if my sister had power of attorney for my father. I cannot help thinking of my father's house, empty, with two people who I don't really know having access to it.
You have to hope your cousin and your Dad’s neighbour are decent people, most people are but you can’t control that for now.
Condolences for your sister, that has to hit hard and I’ve no experience there but I have seen the effects of dementia on an elderly relative and you have my deepest sympathy, I’m afraid it’s a hard road to tread.
All I can see that you can do is get over there and start looking for information at the house and talk to neighbours etc about who knew your sister best, hopefully they can help guide your thoughts as to how to progress.
Condolences for your sister, that has to hit hard and I’ve no experience there but I have seen the effects of dementia on an elderly relative and you have my deepest sympathy, I’m afraid it’s a hard road to tread.
All I can see that you can do is get over there and start looking for information at the house and talk to neighbours etc about who knew your sister best, hopefully they can help guide your thoughts as to how to progress.
Firstly, sorry for your loss. My wife’s sister died suddenly, just at age 54, in September, that has been bad enough, but without the other complications you have regarding your father,
As for your sister’s funeral, engage the funeral director - they can take care of everything. For your father, do you have a care home or whatever in mind? I guess once that is confirmed other matters can be addressed.
Remember to take time for yourself as well.
As for your sister’s funeral, engage the funeral director - they can take care of everything. For your father, do you have a care home or whatever in mind? I guess once that is confirmed other matters can be addressed.
Remember to take time for yourself as well.
Edited by abzmike on Saturday 12th November 20:32
Sorry to hear the news.
To be practical, you need to spend enough time with the cousin and neighbour to better understand what is the usual situation over there - get a feel for what may be needed in the short, medium and longer term. Delve into all the house, bank (and car?) paperwork. Check for a valid will (or where it might be).
To be practical, you need to spend enough time with the cousin and neighbour to better understand what is the usual situation over there - get a feel for what may be needed in the short, medium and longer term. Delve into all the house, bank (and car?) paperwork. Check for a valid will (or where it might be).
Sorry for your loss OP
Go and see the cousin & neighbour they'll likely be as shocked as you.
Talk to the hospital where you Father is.
Find a Will if there is one - it may be worth checking local Solicitors.
And while it seems a good idea to sort out all the paperwork, don't leave it to the Solicitor. It'll cost but will take the stress off you. There's money in the house or whatever that will cover it.
And take your time, don't panic or stress.
Go and see the cousin & neighbour they'll likely be as shocked as you.
Talk to the hospital where you Father is.
Find a Will if there is one - it may be worth checking local Solicitors.
And while it seems a good idea to sort out all the paperwork, don't leave it to the Solicitor. It'll cost but will take the stress off you. There's money in the house or whatever that will cover it.
And take your time, don't panic or stress.
Just an update and a bad one.
First, thanks to everyone who has replies, I do appreciate it.
OK, the cousins were suppossed to contact me at around 08:30 yesterday morning, they didn't. I called and messaged them several times during the day on both my and my wife's phones. At around 19:00 we had a call from them, saying that they had gone to IoW that morning and were cleaning the house - "Black bagging all the rubbish" - alarm bells going off in my head.
They then informed me that my sister had given them power of attorney over my dad - when did this happen, my sister had never mentioned it. They also refused to tell me where I could get the key for my dad's house, they mentioned several names of neighbours.
After the call, I immediately phoned Hampshire police to notify them that two people were inside my dad's house and were "Black bagging" items, that they had been there for at least ten hours and had not returned any of my calls in that time. I also said that the two people claimed they had power of attorney and that I was next of kin of the deceased and that I couldn't do anything about it.
The police said they would look into it - really?
The police phoned back and said that as they claimed (no proof was asked for or obtained) they had power of attorney, there was nothing the police could do because it was now a civil matter.
DELIBERATELY CAPITALISED
MY ADVICE TO WOULD BE THIEVES AND PILLAGERS. IF YOU WANT TO STEAL AND GET AWAY WITH IT, SIMPLY BREAK INTO A HOUSE WHEN THE OWNERS ARE ON HOLIDAY, WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVE, TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND THEY WILL SIMPLY GO AWAY AND DO WHATEVER POLICE DO WHEN THEY ARE BORED.
Apologies for the rant, but I haven't had a very good night's sleep, but I cannot believe what has happened.
It would also appear that the two cousins have pre-arranged a care home for my dad to go to - doesn't sound to me like overnight planning as they have already seen it.
Serious question.
Where do I go to for some proper help, because if they have power of attorney, does that mean they can put my dad's house up for sale? During the phone call they let slip that they had done this before with their mother in law.
First, thanks to everyone who has replies, I do appreciate it.
OK, the cousins were suppossed to contact me at around 08:30 yesterday morning, they didn't. I called and messaged them several times during the day on both my and my wife's phones. At around 19:00 we had a call from them, saying that they had gone to IoW that morning and were cleaning the house - "Black bagging all the rubbish" - alarm bells going off in my head.
They then informed me that my sister had given them power of attorney over my dad - when did this happen, my sister had never mentioned it. They also refused to tell me where I could get the key for my dad's house, they mentioned several names of neighbours.
After the call, I immediately phoned Hampshire police to notify them that two people were inside my dad's house and were "Black bagging" items, that they had been there for at least ten hours and had not returned any of my calls in that time. I also said that the two people claimed they had power of attorney and that I was next of kin of the deceased and that I couldn't do anything about it.
The police said they would look into it - really?
The police phoned back and said that as they claimed (no proof was asked for or obtained) they had power of attorney, there was nothing the police could do because it was now a civil matter.
DELIBERATELY CAPITALISED
MY ADVICE TO WOULD BE THIEVES AND PILLAGERS. IF YOU WANT TO STEAL AND GET AWAY WITH IT, SIMPLY BREAK INTO A HOUSE WHEN THE OWNERS ARE ON HOLIDAY, WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVE, TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND THEY WILL SIMPLY GO AWAY AND DO WHATEVER POLICE DO WHEN THEY ARE BORED.
Apologies for the rant, but I haven't had a very good night's sleep, but I cannot believe what has happened.
It would also appear that the two cousins have pre-arranged a care home for my dad to go to - doesn't sound to me like overnight planning as they have already seen it.
Serious question.
Where do I go to for some proper help, because if they have power of attorney, does that mean they can put my dad's house up for sale? During the phone call they let slip that they had done this before with their mother in law.
Skyedriver said:
Sorry for your loss OP
Go and see the cousin & neighbour they'll likely be as shocked as you.
Talk to the hospital where you Father is.
Find a Will if there is one - it may be worth checking local Solicitors.
And while it seems a good idea to sort out all the paperwork, don't leave it to the Solicitor. It'll cost but will take the stress off you. There's money in the house or whatever that will cover it.
And take your time, don't panic or stress.
Thanks for the advice, but I think I have been beaten to the clearing up and admin by the two cousins as in my last post. The cousins know who the solicitor is but are not giving me the name. I would have been able to go through all the paperwork, because I have been an auditor in the past, but now I think that is not going to happen.Go and see the cousin & neighbour they'll likely be as shocked as you.
Talk to the hospital where you Father is.
Find a Will if there is one - it may be worth checking local Solicitors.
And while it seems a good idea to sort out all the paperwork, don't leave it to the Solicitor. It'll cost but will take the stress off you. There's money in the house or whatever that will cover it.
And take your time, don't panic or stress.
I am panicking, because I think this has been planned and that the police are not interested.
Not wishing to come over a bit cruel at such a difficult time but where have you been all this time?.
I realise you live a distance away but it sounds like you've not had much contact for quite a long period and their various lives have been steadily progressing, without any input from you.
I realise you live a distance away but it sounds like you've not had much contact for quite a long period and their various lives have been steadily progressing, without any input from you.
Vasco said:
Not wishing to come over a bit cruel at such a difficult time but where have you been all this time?.
I realise you live a distance away but it sounds like you've not had much contact for quite a long period and their various lives have been steadily progressing, without any input from you.
I have been over to the IoW a few times, but have not been welcomed by my sister (who has disliked my wife from the start). I have also been phoning them every couple of weeks on a regular basis. We have sent the usual cards at Christmas, Easter and birthdays. For balance, they have never tried to visit us and the phone calls have been instigated by me.I realise you live a distance away but it sounds like you've not had much contact for quite a long period and their various lives have been steadily progressing, without any input from you.
What a dreadful situation.
My deepest sympathy again. I think the thing to do now is to get over there and rise above any pettiness and obstruction you receive. Stay polite. Ultimately you are the next of kin and it is your responsibility to oversee everything. Just don't try and rush everything. You can only progress as fast as funeral directors and all thr other stuff.
My deepest sympathy again. I think the thing to do now is to get over there and rise above any pettiness and obstruction you receive. Stay polite. Ultimately you are the next of kin and it is your responsibility to oversee everything. Just don't try and rush everything. You can only progress as fast as funeral directors and all thr other stuff.
Firstly commiserations, things like this are never good a d it can be easy to feel overwhelmed.
If your cousins have arranged a nursing home for your Dad that's a good thing and will take some of the stress off you, dementia is horrible and needs professional care.
The remainder of the logistics it would be worth you talking to citizens advice or your lawyer to get a handle on what's happening.
If your cousins have arranged a nursing home for your Dad that's a good thing and will take some of the stress off you, dementia is horrible and needs professional care.
The remainder of the logistics it would be worth you talking to citizens advice or your lawyer to get a handle on what's happening.
Quick update. Father in hospital under observation, shortly to go into temporary care. He doesn't recognise me, but does have quite good memories of beyond fifteen years ago. He remembers cars he had in the seventies, playing golf and going for long walks. We got back the other day after spending a couple of days there, the house was in a terrible state. There will be a post mortem on my late sister. Hopefully we can get him closer to us so that we can visit him regularly.
There is going to be a hell of a lot of administration, it all seems a bit overwhelming at the moment.
There is going to be a hell of a lot of administration, it all seems a bit overwhelming at the moment.
The Rotrex Kid said:
No advice to give, just wanted to say condolences on the news.
Second that. My step father died of dementia/alzheimers a few years ago, the most horrible way for someone to go so I feel your pain there. Luckily I've not lost a sibling but I can only imagine how sad that is for you as well. Phoned the hospital yesterday, as I have been doing every day - no answer. He was due to be transferred to a care home in the afternoon, so I phoned them. They told me that he couldn't be transferred, because he had an extreme temperature and had tested positive for Covid, not good news at 91 years old, particularly as he had avoided it all this time. The person at the care home was disgusted that the hospital had not notified me. This whole situation has gone from bad to worse.
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