How do you deal people without a filter
Discussion
My 93yr old Dad has never been the most tactile person, I accept that he has always encouraged being open & honest...
But since my Mother passed away four years ago, he’s got to the stage where his forthright views & opinions can cause arguments.
I have had a chat with him about it... but its like lighting the blue touch paper.
But since my Mother passed away four years ago, he’s got to the stage where his forthright views & opinions can cause arguments.
I have had a chat with him about it... but its like lighting the blue touch paper.
The Rotrex Kid said:
Just roll your eyes and let them get on with it. Either that or have a stand up argument with them. Your choice.
I do both... it’s the latter that causes the problems.( A deep breath, a quiet curse & engage selective hearing)
It reminds me of Homer Simpson thinking;
Don’t say it, Dont say it.... DOH!
Edited by Milkyway on Monday 7th November 20:45
TomyAFX said:
When family members reach this point. The state where they've certainly got only a small percentage of their allocation remaining.
You've got to ask yourself what do you want to be left with.
All the awkward interactions with non-binary restaurant staff. All the discussions about the foreign doctors and how they don't know what they're doing.
Or do you want to seal the legacy of the person in a good light with the emotion that they brought you. Days out. Upbringing. Learnings. Whatever it may be.
If you value something they've given you. Then speaking from experience, you need to suck the bulls
t they may spew in the final years and not count it against the general vibe.
After 90 fking years, I'd have the hump with everything too and it's very easy to direct that frustration of your body failing, your mind lacking sharpness, the loss of nearly everyone you've ever known, it's very easy to direct that at the nearest perceived slight.
If you care about this person. If you wish to be left with fond memories. You have a quiet word with the offended. You tip the bar staff. You thank the hospital. And you savour every minute of cohesive comprehension that exists. Because pretty soon you'll have nothing. You don't want to be left with a few years of Alf Garnett when in reality, the world has simply overtaken your loved one.
What a lovely post, and a refreshingly caring and non cynical outlook you have sir. I love the fact that you have been able to convey your love of your family into advice for others. Thank you. You've got to ask yourself what do you want to be left with.
All the awkward interactions with non-binary restaurant staff. All the discussions about the foreign doctors and how they don't know what they're doing.
Or do you want to seal the legacy of the person in a good light with the emotion that they brought you. Days out. Upbringing. Learnings. Whatever it may be.
If you value something they've given you. Then speaking from experience, you need to suck the bulls
t they may spew in the final years and not count it against the general vibe.After 90 f
king years, I'd have the hump with everything too and it's very easy to direct that frustration of your body failing, your mind lacking sharpness, the loss of nearly everyone you've ever known, it's very easy to direct that at the nearest perceived slight.If you care about this person. If you wish to be left with fond memories. You have a quiet word with the offended. You tip the bar staff. You thank the hospital. And you savour every minute of cohesive comprehension that exists. Because pretty soon you'll have nothing. You don't want to be left with a few years of Alf Garnett when in reality, the world has simply overtaken your loved one.
The Rotrex Kid said:
Just roll your eyes and let them get on with it. Either that or have a stand up argument with them. Your choice.
Sometimes I lack a filter. My son (in particular) rolls his eyes and says "You still don't have a filter then?" Makes me think. He won't argue. He's just politely saying "Dad that's not acceptable" Bloody snowflake
Thank you... some great comments above.TomyAFX said:
There's a point where you can just grow tired of it all.
Yep, and I think I realised this a long time ago. Perhaps a mixture of how my brain naturally operates or what I went through as a child. It's the only me I know. The OP's dad will need support, not objection or resistance.
Just have to accept that us ‘younger generations’ have a different outlook on life...
I’m the big ‘60’ next year, & even this strange old world baffles me at the best of times... so got to try & remember what he’s witnessed in the past, & how he sees it today.
NB; The Alf Garnet comparison made me chuckle.
Not far off...used to smoke a pipe as well.
I’m the big ‘60’ next year, & even this strange old world baffles me at the best of times... so got to try & remember what he’s witnessed in the past, & how he sees it today.
NB; The Alf Garnet comparison made me chuckle.
Not far off...used to smoke a pipe as well.
Edited by Milkyway on Monday 7th November 21:48
mcelliott said:
Sounds like my near 90yr old mother, my attitude is let her vent cos she might not be here tomorrow.
So true.That’s what my Dad says... for some reason, he has ‘two more years’ on the brain.
( Wondered why he was so keen to get the decorating done)
Edited by Milkyway on Monday 7th November 21:52
When the old turn elderly it's not because they want to or are doing it deliberately. It's because the way their brain works changes with age and makes them argumentative, vague, confused, violent, abusive or any combination of these
My Dad, in his final years, became very forgetful and often repeated the same things over and over. My sister got really frustrated by it and snappy with him which upset him because he didn't know why. I just reminded myself that he didn't want to be like that but had no choice, it was beyond his control.
We had a great final week together when I visited him during the London Olympics. We watched TV all day, he'd fall asleep in his chair asking, "How long have you been here?" whenever he woke up and I talked about the old days, reminding him of places we'd lived, cars he'd owned, family members and especially about my Mum who had died two years previously; he thought it had been 10 years before.
He died two months later. My sister was there but I was at home 200 miles away. The thing is, for almost 90 years or so I had a fully functioning super Dad, Those 90 years more than make up for the last few when he wasn't running on all cylinders or, if you like, his filter had failed him.
My Dad, in his final years, became very forgetful and often repeated the same things over and over. My sister got really frustrated by it and snappy with him which upset him because he didn't know why. I just reminded myself that he didn't want to be like that but had no choice, it was beyond his control.
We had a great final week together when I visited him during the London Olympics. We watched TV all day, he'd fall asleep in his chair asking, "How long have you been here?" whenever he woke up and I talked about the old days, reminding him of places we'd lived, cars he'd owned, family members and especially about my Mum who had died two years previously; he thought it had been 10 years before.
He died two months later. My sister was there but I was at home 200 miles away. The thing is, for almost 90 years or so I had a fully functioning super Dad, Those 90 years more than make up for the last few when he wasn't running on all cylinders or, if you like, his filter had failed him.
Indeed!
Even age should be no excuse for certain things they were brought differently and you need to give him some slack.
If I got to that age I hope I wasn’t rude but I would t need to be PC either.
In general people these days are much more easily offended or pretend to. I prefer the older generations, more pragmatic and hot on with life. I keep coming to that pathetic woman on the m25 gantry. What a pathetic show…
As for your dad.. learn to let go and enjoy his final years, much more important than bickering about things that really don’t matter.
Even age should be no excuse for certain things they were brought differently and you need to give him some slack.
If I got to that age I hope I wasn’t rude but I would t need to be PC either.
In general people these days are much more easily offended or pretend to. I prefer the older generations, more pragmatic and hot on with life. I keep coming to that pathetic woman on the m25 gantry. What a pathetic show…
As for your dad.. learn to let go and enjoy his final years, much more important than bickering about things that really don’t matter.
Also, vascular dementia tends to hit the frontal lobes first, reducing inhibitions. So it could be physical changes in his brain.
My father started eating when he felt like it, and I got called in to grand child proof the computer as he was spending hours watching hard core porn - my mother didn’t mind as at least she knew where he was.
But in his last year, his mind had almost completely gone.
Make the most of him while you can.
My father started eating when he felt like it, and I got called in to grand child proof the computer as he was spending hours watching hard core porn - my mother didn’t mind as at least she knew where he was.
But in his last year, his mind had almost completely gone.
Make the most of him while you can.
TomyAFX said:
When family members reach this point. The state where they've certainly got only a small percentage of their allocation remaining.
You've got to ask yourself what do you want to be left with.
All the awkward interactions with non-binary restaurant staff. All the discussions about the foreign doctors and how they don't know what they're doing.
Or do you want to seal the legacy of the person in a good light with the emotion that they brought you. Days out. Upbringing. Learnings. Whatever it may be.
If you value something they've given you. Then speaking from experience, you need to suck the bullst they may spew in the final years and not count it against the general vibe.
After 90 fking years, I'd have the hump with everything too and it's very easy to direct that frustration of your body failing, your mind lacking sharpness, the loss of nearly everyone you've ever known, it's very easy to direct that at the nearest perceived slight.
If you care about this person. If you wish to be left with fond memories. You have a quiet word with the offended. You tip the bar staff. You thank the hospital. And you savour every minute of cohesive comprehension that exists. Because pretty soon you'll have nothing. You don't want to be left with a few years of Alf Garnett when in reality, the world has simply overtaken your loved one.
Amen. My father lost his mental health at the beginning of Covid and took his own life 18 months ago.You've got to ask yourself what do you want to be left with.
All the awkward interactions with non-binary restaurant staff. All the discussions about the foreign doctors and how they don't know what they're doing.
Or do you want to seal the legacy of the person in a good light with the emotion that they brought you. Days out. Upbringing. Learnings. Whatever it may be.
If you value something they've given you. Then speaking from experience, you need to suck the bulls
t they may spew in the final years and not count it against the general vibe.After 90 f
king years, I'd have the hump with everything too and it's very easy to direct that frustration of your body failing, your mind lacking sharpness, the loss of nearly everyone you've ever known, it's very easy to direct that at the nearest perceived slight.If you care about this person. If you wish to be left with fond memories. You have a quiet word with the offended. You tip the bar staff. You thank the hospital. And you savour every minute of cohesive comprehension that exists. Because pretty soon you'll have nothing. You don't want to be left with a few years of Alf Garnett when in reality, the world has simply overtaken your loved one.
I regret every second of frustration with him whilst he was ill.
Try your very best to let any frustrations with him evaporate and enjoy every remaining minute you have with him. You'll miss him desperately when hes gone.
People are always commenting how active he is for 93... & yes, he’s still towing his caravan.
He is a very independent soul, I think that he gets frustrated that the mind is willing but his body is saying ‘take it easy” & listening to families concerns doesn’t come naturally.
I think that a lot of the time lately, it is just him just venting... no malice intended.
NB: He’s a stubborn old bugger... so wouldn’t surprise me if he gets ‘that card’, from whoever it may be then.
He is a very independent soul, I think that he gets frustrated that the mind is willing but his body is saying ‘take it easy” & listening to families concerns doesn’t come naturally.
I think that a lot of the time lately, it is just him just venting... no malice intended.
NB: He’s a stubborn old bugger... so wouldn’t surprise me if he gets ‘that card’, from whoever it may be then.
Edited by Milkyway on Tuesday 8th November 09:59
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