Discussion
Hi all
I don’t post often but regularly read others posts and feelings can I say that as a man)?
I have a great family, not perfect, but who’s is.
I just wondered if anyone ever feels like walking away and just having a break?
I do suffer from depression/anxiety etc and while I think it’s reasonably stable currently, sometimes I just feel like I live my life to make others happy.
I not talking about ‘ending it’ I’m talking about ‘me time’ .
I just want to walk away and come back when I’m ready.
Is that selfish?
Is it even wrong that I don’t really care.
I don’t post often but regularly read others posts and feelings can I say that as a man)?
I have a great family, not perfect, but who’s is.
I just wondered if anyone ever feels like walking away and just having a break?
I do suffer from depression/anxiety etc and while I think it’s reasonably stable currently, sometimes I just feel like I live my life to make others happy.
I not talking about ‘ending it’ I’m talking about ‘me time’ .
I just want to walk away and come back when I’m ready.
Is that selfish?
Is it even wrong that I don’t really care.
4 years ago I was stressed out with work doing very long hours and when I came home in evenings or at the weekend I’d be busy doing cooking, cleaning, diy, running around after 2yr old daughter. It just felt endless.
My wife was busy too and had no leave booked (her position required 9 months notice for a couple of days!!).
I explained how drained I was feeling and sought agreement to go away for a long weekend to Menorca.
I pleased myself for 4 full days. Get up for hotel breakfast / sleep later. Wander to a coffee shop overlooking the marina, sit and watch the world go by. Eat, drink, sleep if / when I want. Think of nobody else but me.
It was a total reset and those 4 days de-stressed me like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve done similar twice since.
Give it a try - it might be enough.
My wife was busy too and had no leave booked (her position required 9 months notice for a couple of days!!).
I explained how drained I was feeling and sought agreement to go away for a long weekend to Menorca.
I pleased myself for 4 full days. Get up for hotel breakfast / sleep later. Wander to a coffee shop overlooking the marina, sit and watch the world go by. Eat, drink, sleep if / when I want. Think of nobody else but me.
It was a total reset and those 4 days de-stressed me like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve done similar twice since.
Give it a try - it might be enough.
As previous poster has said - you need a reset.
For some this will come in the form of a morning coffee, a run, a bike ride, an early morning drive, a night out with friends.
For others a hike/expedition. Or a few nights away in a tent in a field in the middle of nowhere. A solitary holiday away or mini break.
At the extreme end is a total reset/walk out scenario.
To jump straight to the last resort seems extreme, but may be required. Id be tempted to try intermediate steps first.
For some this will come in the form of a morning coffee, a run, a bike ride, an early morning drive, a night out with friends.
For others a hike/expedition. Or a few nights away in a tent in a field in the middle of nowhere. A solitary holiday away or mini break.
At the extreme end is a total reset/walk out scenario.
To jump straight to the last resort seems extreme, but may be required. Id be tempted to try intermediate steps first.
I have stepped off twice.
First was a long weekend in Budapest on my own. Wandering the streets, a few pints in the ruin bars, eating good local food and people watching.
Second was a three week trip round Australia.
I have a very understanding wife. I love my wife and kids, but do need to reset myself.
It might be entirely self indulgent on my part, but it works for us.
Importantly, both times family life was in a good place, but I was not.
First was a long weekend in Budapest on my own. Wandering the streets, a few pints in the ruin bars, eating good local food and people watching.
Second was a three week trip round Australia.
I have a very understanding wife. I love my wife and kids, but do need to reset myself.
It might be entirely self indulgent on my part, but it works for us.
Importantly, both times family life was in a good place, but I was not.
Our family life is pretty damn hectic. But, I get a few hours to myself every Saturday morning to 'potter' about the house. Usually end up doing some DIY or something..... Or even just crash on the sofa. Everyone else is out playing football or going to dance classes.
I need this space as a mini reset each week.
My wife gets Fridays to herself - usually doing yoga and a game of tennis, so it balances out.
This regular reset works for me......
I need this space as a mini reset each week.
My wife gets Fridays to herself - usually doing yoga and a game of tennis, so it balances out.
This regular reset works for me......
Buy a motorbike, get the licence (the right order to do it in) - it's there for when you need it to commute, take a blast after work, early morning run or a long weekend away. Could not recommended it highly enough. I was far too late to start at 48!
Edited by 911sse on Sunday 16th October 10:41
Thanks for your help and replies.
I’d feel bad taking a weekend away on my own but I will look to do do something.
We have a new furry edition to the family and my wife, who is an absolute blessing to me, bought her for me as a companion to walk and de-stress with.
I know that will help massively but if I need to look for other things I will keep your suggestions at hand.
Thank you
I’d feel bad taking a weekend away on my own but I will look to do do something.
We have a new furry edition to the family and my wife, who is an absolute blessing to me, bought her for me as a companion to walk and de-stress with.
I know that will help massively but if I need to look for other things I will keep your suggestions at hand.
Thank you
beerok said:
Thanks for your help and replies.
I’d feel bad taking a weekend away on my own but I will look to do do something.
We have a new furry edition to the family and my wife, who is an absolute blessing to me, bought her for me as a companion to walk and de-stress with.
I know that will help massively but if I need to look for other things I will keep your suggestions at hand.
Thank you
I wouldnt feel bad. She may be thinking the same. I’d feel bad taking a weekend away on my own but I will look to do do something.
We have a new furry edition to the family and my wife, who is an absolute blessing to me, bought her for me as a companion to walk and de-stress with.
I know that will help massively but if I need to look for other things I will keep your suggestions at hand.
Thank you
If you can have a weekend away, she could have a weekend away next time while you hold the fort?
Or maybe have a weekend away together? Got anywhere to ditch the kids for the weekend?
It's give and take.
My wife might have one or two weekends away with her friends a year. AirBnB/cottage on a farm in the arse end of nowhere with a hot tub, a crate of cheap fizz etc. I'm happy at home and pleased for some undisturbed garage tinker time followed by a beer and a pizza or something.
(We also don't have kids)
I did feel somewhat the same way especially during and since Covid as prior my job led me to be away from home overnight fairly regularly so I would regularly have quiet nights in a hotel alone watching TV which was helpful, since the organisation has realised more can be done via video links etc and the opportunities are less.
I do have a week away once a year with my friends at the Nurburg Ring which I find a massive benefit for clearing my head.
I have also been known to book a day off work here and there without telling the family just so I can be alone, I usually go for a drive somewhere such as the coast, i'll walk around for a few hours get fish and chips then go home again as if i've been at work all day.
I do have a week away once a year with my friends at the Nurburg Ring which I find a massive benefit for clearing my head.
I have also been known to book a day off work here and there without telling the family just so I can be alone, I usually go for a drive somewhere such as the coast, i'll walk around for a few hours get fish and chips then go home again as if i've been at work all day.
100% understand and empathise, that kind of feeling can be completely overwhelming. As others have said there is nothing wrong with needing some head space and time for yourself, how you go about getting that is something only you and your family can work out but there is nothing wrong with feeling that need and having that conversation.
The only other thing I'd say is do not under estimate the impact the depression and anxiety can have on those feelings. Struggling with either of those will mean your baselin may already be at an elevated level which might mean you have less emotional capacity for the day to day life.
You don't say whether you're receiving treatment for either but if you're not then I can recommend at least exploring the options.
The only other thing I'd say is do not under estimate the impact the depression and anxiety can have on those feelings. Struggling with either of those will mean your baselin may already be at an elevated level which might mean you have less emotional capacity for the day to day life.
You don't say whether you're receiving treatment for either but if you're not then I can recommend at least exploring the options.
My de-stressing was going fishing. Rivers mainly and mostly solo. Being out ( often night time) and focussing on the fishing and taking in the outdoors cleared my mind. I was working/commuting full time and the time alone was brilliant.
Having a hobby that allows you to de-stress is a huge benefit. It can be anything that works for you.
I never felt the need to get away as the fishing worked.
Having a hobby that allows you to de-stress is a huge benefit. It can be anything that works for you.
I never felt the need to get away as the fishing worked.
beerok said:
Thanks for your help and replies.
I’d feel bad taking a weekend away on my own but I will look to do do something.
We have a new furry edition to the family and my wife, who is an absolute blessing to me, bought her for me as a companion to walk and de-stress with.
I know that will help massively but if I need to look for other things I will keep your suggestions at hand.
Thank you
It will help massively. Nothing better than early morning walks just you and the dog. Or a long walk to a country pub with a fire for a pint with the dog at your feet. Bliss! I’d feel bad taking a weekend away on my own but I will look to do do something.
We have a new furry edition to the family and my wife, who is an absolute blessing to me, bought her for me as a companion to walk and de-stress with.
I know that will help massively but if I need to look for other things I will keep your suggestions at hand.
Thank you
I feel like this quite often. I think when you break down the minutiae of daily life into what is effectively tedious and repetitive tasks it can feel quite overwhelming and pointless. I find myself wondering what the point is more than I dare to admit recently. Not in a 'end my life' kind of sense, just in a very distanced and lethargic zombie sort of mentality. I find peace in creativity and loved ones, but its becoming increasingly difficult to see the joy in existing. That's likely the most depressing thing I've ever written.
It's normal and in a healthy relationship you are allowed to take time out either on your own or with mates. The Mrs will no doubt want her time away with the girls too. Again that's fine - you're married, not enslaved.
Me and Her do lots together but we also do stuff apart and it worked fine for 25 years so far.
Someone mentioned bikes earlier, that's something I would recommend too, but car clubs, bike clubs, all sorts of clubs exist that can give you some breathing space.
Me and Her do lots together but we also do stuff apart and it worked fine for 25 years so far.
Someone mentioned bikes earlier, that's something I would recommend too, but car clubs, bike clubs, all sorts of clubs exist that can give you some breathing space.
I live alone, but sometimes just book a day off to do nothing, get up late, make breakfast, walk round the lake, sit with a tea and watch the birds floating round, then head home for food and a lunchtime nap, then pretty much the same in the afternoon with a pint this time, sometimes just a day off can make a difference.
I saw something on Netflix/Prime recently about Bill Gates, he used to spend a week a few times a year in a cabin in the woods near a lake, he called his think week, I can certainly see that it will help.
I saw something on Netflix/Prime recently about Bill Gates, he used to spend a week a few times a year in a cabin in the woods near a lake, he called his think week, I can certainly see that it will help.
I go away for a week with friends each winter to spend time hiking, drinking beer, eating takeaways, watching s
t films and under no circumstances whatsoever talking about family stuff. It's a brilliant antidote for the times when daily life feels a bit crap. Even if it's ages away I can spend ten minutes planning a route or looking for an awful DVD for when we're there; it's just something to look forward to. Similarly my wife goes away for a week to see family members abroad without me or the kids. I'm not sure just announcing that you're leaving for an indeterminate amount of time but that you will be back at some point is quite the way to do it, but I'd get something in the diary even if it's just for a few days by yourself.
t films and under no circumstances whatsoever talking about family stuff. It's a brilliant antidote for the times when daily life feels a bit crap. Even if it's ages away I can spend ten minutes planning a route or looking for an awful DVD for when we're there; it's just something to look forward to. Similarly my wife goes away for a week to see family members abroad without me or the kids. I'm not sure just announcing that you're leaving for an indeterminate amount of time but that you will be back at some point is quite the way to do it, but I'd get something in the diary even if it's just for a few days by yourself. Something that certainly resonates with me.
I love the family dearly but they're hard work - both kids on the spectrum and my wife struggles somewhat with some of their behaviours and the challenges they bring (and I struggle more than she does).
Added to which she likes me around all the time, whereas I need my own space; wants me to be an ever-present dad as well as earner, DIYer and all the rest.
Then add a brain injury, meaning regular migraines (currently in a purple patch - 5 in the last fortnight) plus a lot of tiredness and short term memory problems.
I spend a fair bit of my time wanting to get away, but my wife has to deal with all the above which is hard enough when I'm there, let alone if I sodded off for a few days.
Best I've managed is snatching an hour here or there during the working week - spend some time in the garage fiddling with the motorbike or doing a bit on a car, while dialed in to a meeting or taking a long lunch.
Provided you can make that time regularly, its not so bad. When the problems start for me is when I go for a week or two at a time without getting that break, whether at work or at weekends (there's never a break in the evenings - my eldest is never asleep before 10pm).
Then I get properly miserable and want to take the nuclear option and just leave. I know it wouldn't be for the better - it's probably just yearning for some peace, quiet, solitude, chance to do what I want for a bit, catch some TV, watch a film, go out for a meal. Stuff like that makes a hell of a difference if you can do it.
I love the family dearly but they're hard work - both kids on the spectrum and my wife struggles somewhat with some of their behaviours and the challenges they bring (and I struggle more than she does).
Added to which she likes me around all the time, whereas I need my own space; wants me to be an ever-present dad as well as earner, DIYer and all the rest.
Then add a brain injury, meaning regular migraines (currently in a purple patch - 5 in the last fortnight) plus a lot of tiredness and short term memory problems.
I spend a fair bit of my time wanting to get away, but my wife has to deal with all the above which is hard enough when I'm there, let alone if I sodded off for a few days.
Best I've managed is snatching an hour here or there during the working week - spend some time in the garage fiddling with the motorbike or doing a bit on a car, while dialed in to a meeting or taking a long lunch.
Provided you can make that time regularly, its not so bad. When the problems start for me is when I go for a week or two at a time without getting that break, whether at work or at weekends (there's never a break in the evenings - my eldest is never asleep before 10pm).
Then I get properly miserable and want to take the nuclear option and just leave. I know it wouldn't be for the better - it's probably just yearning for some peace, quiet, solitude, chance to do what I want for a bit, catch some TV, watch a film, go out for a meal. Stuff like that makes a hell of a difference if you can do it.
I think this resonates with a lot of people. Out of interest how old are your kids? I'm not sure disappearing for a week if your kids are under school age is a great idea. Maybe a weekend or a night would be better?
I work 40-50 hours a week, have just this year taken on a big mortgage and have three young children and wife. The kids are all between 11 months and 4 years old so very young. Life is hard at the minute especially with us getting little sleep with the kids and new mortgage. I wouldnt want to go away for a week and leave my wife to deal with it all on her own unless my mental health was really bad.
I do however try and get away with the lads 2-3 times a year. This year we have done 1 x 3 nights and 2 x 1 night away. Once to Benidorm on a stag do, once on a walking weekend in the lakes and once where we all entered a 10km race and then went out for curry and beers afterwards. My wife also goes away a similar amount with her girlfriends.
On top of this we probably each get out twice a month with our own friends and also try to do a date night together once a month.
I'm acutely aware that all of the above costs money but we really do find it helps our relationship and mental health. My bi-weekly evenings with my mates don't cost much at all - usually a 7-10km run followed by 2 pints and a bag of crisps in the local pub. My wife and I both run and she also does yoga. We try to stay physically healthy (I don't mean ripped gym bods, just a healthy weight/physique - we are both happy being in our late 30's with 3 kids to our names). Staying physically fit ultimately benefits mental health too.
I work 40-50 hours a week, have just this year taken on a big mortgage and have three young children and wife. The kids are all between 11 months and 4 years old so very young. Life is hard at the minute especially with us getting little sleep with the kids and new mortgage. I wouldnt want to go away for a week and leave my wife to deal with it all on her own unless my mental health was really bad.
I do however try and get away with the lads 2-3 times a year. This year we have done 1 x 3 nights and 2 x 1 night away. Once to Benidorm on a stag do, once on a walking weekend in the lakes and once where we all entered a 10km race and then went out for curry and beers afterwards. My wife also goes away a similar amount with her girlfriends.
On top of this we probably each get out twice a month with our own friends and also try to do a date night together once a month.
I'm acutely aware that all of the above costs money but we really do find it helps our relationship and mental health. My bi-weekly evenings with my mates don't cost much at all - usually a 7-10km run followed by 2 pints and a bag of crisps in the local pub. My wife and I both run and she also does yoga. We try to stay physically healthy (I don't mean ripped gym bods, just a healthy weight/physique - we are both happy being in our late 30's with 3 kids to our names). Staying physically fit ultimately benefits mental health too.
Edited by JapanRed on Thursday 20th October 16:16
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