Last Visit...

[Craphouserat]

Evening all

My best friend's father has terminal cancer and is now having palliative care. I will be visiting my mate (who is completely broken) this weekend and I'll be paying a visit to see his parents.

I kind of grew up with them - my own father worked abroad for up to 6 months at a time and my mates dad always took me to football training etc etc etc,

Anyway - there's the background - reason for the post is I am crapping myself. What do I say to a guy I know I'm never going to see again? I'm usually always positive and encouraging but clearly, I cannot say anything about the cancer when he clearly hasn't.

Any advice appreciated.

Baz.

[lllnorrislll]

There are no right or wrong things to do or say - just be yourself.

[2 sMoKiN bArReLs]

I visited my best mate every day when he was proper poorly & that was tough.

When I got the call that he was leaving us that afternoon I just couldn't go. I just couldn't.

I wish you well.

[Skyedriver]

You know it, he knows it, don't actually mention it, let him play the lead. Depends as well how far "gone" he is. Fully lucid or "drifting in and out".
He could be very tired, or maybe the medication is taking it's toll and he's just "sleepy". If so don't stop too long.
Just chat, how is he? has he everything he needs in the hospice etc.? nurses treating him OK? What you are up to etc.
And when you are leaving, thank him for everything he's done for you over the years. You'll probably both burst into tears but what the heck.
It's not an easy time but let it roll.

[happie33]

as already said

just be you
talk about all the stuff you normally do …
it’s another day
and by just being you and true to your friendship — that counts for more than you would realise.


i did this with my best friend — and as i left the room for the last time
he shouted out to me —- thank you …

meant everything to me
good luck

[R56Cooper]

Skyedriver said:

You know it, he knows it, don't actually mention it, let him play the lead. Depends as well how far "gone" he is. Fully lucid or "drifting in and out".
He could be very tired, or maybe the medication is taking it's toll and he's just "sleepy". If so don't stop too long.
Just chat, how is he? has he everything he needs in the hospice etc.? nurses treating him OK? What you are up to etc.
And when you are leaving, thank him for everything he's done for you over the years. You'll probably both burst into tears but what the heck.
It's not an easy time but let it roll.

I agree with this.

Also, maybe ask if there's anything you can do for your mate / his son (or family generally). Perhaps a particular message that he would like you to pass on at a special birthday / wedding / birth of his first child etc?

(Might be a tad black humour but any "special" errands he needs running, dispose of his porn stash etc? (sorry if in bad taste, just I tend to go to the black humour in situations like this )).

Reassure him you'll be there to look after the family best you can and you'll be there for his son. I imagine that would be of some comfort in his situation.

I agree with a heartfelt thanks at the end, let him know you admire him and think a lot of him as a man and something of a surrogate dad to you.

[GiantCardboardPlato]

the last conversation I had with my grandfather was by phone. He didn’t want to see anyone while he was in a hospice.

We talked about the F1, and about England at the World Cup. And about a trip I was doing soon, just a normal conversation, with added unacknowledged weighty circumstance over it all. Pressing the trivialities for meaning like olives for oil.

You know your friend’s dad. You’ll sense how he wants it to be. An explicit goodbye, a normal conversation despite the situation, or that with a little more emotional honesty than normal added on. Whatever he wants, you’ll work it out. That you will be there is testament to your friendship.

Edited by GiantCardboardPlato on Thursday 6th October 22:00

Edited by GiantCardboardPlato on Thursday 6th October 22:00

[anonymous-user]

Depending on the stage of palliative care, there's a real change he'll be heavily sedated and largely unaware of surroundings tbh.

I'd just go see for yourself and say what you feel when you see and assess things once there.

[Brainpox]

The build up is worse than being there. Once you assess how he is you'll know how to approach it. He may be fine to chat and just want to pick up from when you left off.

[vulture1]

Talk to him about those times he took you to football and what it meant to you. (st im welling up a bit writing this) How you saw him as a second father. Something funny that happened at football that you both joked about in the past.

He will like that.

[Driveeasy]

My son went through this earlier this year…I sat with him watching the football, chatted about upcoming computer games and watched his favourite tv shows, towards the end he was in and out but still to my surprise had really lucid moments which I didn’t know at the time were only hours away from his passing…..I’m grateful for this as my forever memory of that day was him sitting up in bed at 4am, putting his thumb up and asking if I was okay with a smile. I gave him a thumbs up back and said yes mate. He went back to being in and out until 9:30 when I held his hand.

He could still request a drink so I made sure I was stocked up with oasis from McDonald’s and we didn’t speak about anything other than what we would have spoken about had he being fit and healthy. Even if he was out of it I always introduced myself the same, spoke to him the same and said goodbye the same. Probably more for me than him so I didn’t breakdown if I’m honest.

You just do you, that’s what I would want.

[dingg]

Just got to go with the flow and see how things develop. My old man when on his death bed with a good audience sitting around watching him struggle to breathe with both eyes shut, proceeded to open up one eye and say, 'Jesus Christ I'm not dead yet' and everyone immediately had some relief and a few laughs, he lasted another day or two....

[northwest monkey]

R56Cooper said:

(Might be a tad black humour but any "special" errands he needs running, dispose of his porn stash etc? (sorry if in bad taste, just I tend to go to the black humour in situations like this )).

Not just me then.

I've just been told I've got prostate cancer & when the nurse told me I asked her if it was the "treatable kind or the don't bother with Xmas cards kind?". My Mrs was with me & looked as if she wanted to either murder me or crawl into a hole. Luckily, I can get away with it at the moment

To the OP, like others have said, let your mates dad take the lead. I chatted with the father in law about nothing in particular the last time I spoke with him.

[Tango13]

I spoke to a family friend earlier, they might not see Christmas, they might see Easter, who knows but the one thing I took from the conversation was that they were grateful they hadn't been forgotton about.

Before I called I had no idea what to say but asking after their family the conversation just 'happened' so I wouldn't worry too much.

[AndyAudi]

The one thing I’ll say is, you nearly always think it’s going to be tougher than it actually is.

Your mate & his family will have been dealing with/ discussing this a lot & prob really look forward to a bit of normality with a visitor. sure there’s the odd moment of awkward/upset, but any visit I’ve had with terminally I’ll folks that’s usually minimal (& a subsequent visit is often easier)

Good luck, it’ll be easier than you are fearing

[Mr Tidy]

The most important thing is being there!

Then just go from there.

You may be sad but keep that to yourself.

[Craphouserat]

Apologies everyone - been one hell of a week.

Normally I reply to everyone who took the time to post a reply as always PH is a real community when required. Thanks to each one of you for your posts...I have read them all and tbf some great advice. All of which I have taken on board.

Thanks again - I hope you all have a great weekend.

Baz

[skeeterm5]

When I was 19 my best friend died in a climbing accident, we had been best friends since we were about 4.

I went round to see his parents, had no idea what I was going to do or say and was very nervous. When I got there I went in, his mum hugged me and then his dad did. We sat there largely in silence for about an hour and then they started talking about him.

All I did was listen and respond occasionally. It didn’t feel to me like I did anything at all to help.

A couple of years later I bumped into his mum in town and she asked me to go for a coffee. Over coffee she said that I had no idea how much my visit helped them and how much they appreciated it, I was gobsmacked.

So I guess just being there is the important thing, and as others have said, don’t force the conversation, silence is ok,

Best wishes.

[Craphouserat]

skeeterm5 said:

When I was 19 my best friend died in a climbing accident, we had been best friends since we were about 4.

I went round to see his parents, had no idea what I was going to do or say and was very nervous. When I got there I went in, his mum hugged me and then his dad did. We sat there largely in silence for about an hour and then they started talking about him.

All I did was listen and respond occasionally. It didn’t feel to me like I did anything at all to help.

A couple of years later I bumped into his mum in town and she asked me to go for a coffee. Over coffee she said that I had no idea how much my visit helped them and how much they appreciated it, I was gobsmacked.

So I guess just being there is the important thing, and as others have said, don’t force the conversation, silence is ok,

Best wishes.

Thanks for sharing that.

The whole thing went better than I thought, and he was on good form putting me at ease with a joke about my local footie team getting beat and I immediately ribbed him (as i always have since I was a kid) about supporting one of the big boys instead of his local side. Something we always did.

He's still going but things are getting worse. Will be visiting my mate again fairly soon but no plans to visit his father again...although that could change.

I appreciate all the posts.

Baz