What’s the point?
Discussion
I’m really struggling at the moment and have been for a while so it’s time for a burner account to talk it out, apologies in advance if it’s a bit scatty and I ramble but there’s a lot in my head. If anyone manages to work out who I am from previous posts, please keep it to yourself.
First and foremost, I’ve been single since my divorce which was 6 years ago. By that I don’t just mean I haven’t been in a relationship, I mean I haven’t even been on a date and it’s 6 years to the day since I had sex. Nobody knows that. At work I have to dodge the topic if it ever comes up, friends and family are unaware. It’s embarrassing regardless, I’d by mortified if it was common knowledge.
On the subject of friends, I don’t really have any. I’ve got two who I go for some vaguely regular food with but recently one of them has decided he has a better offer so now I’m down to 3 in total. I’ve only seen one of them in the last 2 years. I can’t talk to any of them openly because they’re all typical blokes and are incapable of listening to emotion.
I have some undiagnosed health problems which I’m having to keep to myself because I can’t talk to my family about them. My dad died when I was a teenager and so any mention of poor health is brushed under the carpet now. All I ever get is ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine’. Being single and alone and not being able to talk about this is really affecting me, things just keep circling round in my head and I think the worst all the time.
As a result of these issues I’ve put some of the weight I battled hard to lose back on. I can’t run, I can’t cycle and that’s not helping. I also can’t commit to going anywhere, even on my own, because I don’t know how I’ll feel physically on a day in the future. That also means I’ve not been on holiday for 6 years, not that I could have afforded to. This extra weight has knocked my confidence completely and I’ve never really liked the way I look so it’s much worse. That lack of confidence is a significant contributor to my singleness.
I do have my own place, for which I’m grateful. That’s been a battle I itself, I lost everything in my divorce and still carry the guilt of throwing away so much money. Without this tiny flat, I’d have nothing but even so, it feels like a prison. I go to work to a job I hate each morning, then come home each evening to a couple of lonely rooms and that’s it. I do nothing. Sometimes the TV is good enough to keep my mind occupied but sometimes I just can’t concentrate on it so I go to bed.
I’m just about managing with bills, I think. I have a small amount of money left at the end of each month but it’s not really enough to do anything with, it’s always under £100. I worry about money constantly because of everything which has happened in the past. Having nothing really makes you worry about things!
There’s probably more I could say but I’ve been typing long enough and I still don’t know what the point is.
First and foremost, I’ve been single since my divorce which was 6 years ago. By that I don’t just mean I haven’t been in a relationship, I mean I haven’t even been on a date and it’s 6 years to the day since I had sex. Nobody knows that. At work I have to dodge the topic if it ever comes up, friends and family are unaware. It’s embarrassing regardless, I’d by mortified if it was common knowledge.
On the subject of friends, I don’t really have any. I’ve got two who I go for some vaguely regular food with but recently one of them has decided he has a better offer so now I’m down to 3 in total. I’ve only seen one of them in the last 2 years. I can’t talk to any of them openly because they’re all typical blokes and are incapable of listening to emotion.
I have some undiagnosed health problems which I’m having to keep to myself because I can’t talk to my family about them. My dad died when I was a teenager and so any mention of poor health is brushed under the carpet now. All I ever get is ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine’. Being single and alone and not being able to talk about this is really affecting me, things just keep circling round in my head and I think the worst all the time.
As a result of these issues I’ve put some of the weight I battled hard to lose back on. I can’t run, I can’t cycle and that’s not helping. I also can’t commit to going anywhere, even on my own, because I don’t know how I’ll feel physically on a day in the future. That also means I’ve not been on holiday for 6 years, not that I could have afforded to. This extra weight has knocked my confidence completely and I’ve never really liked the way I look so it’s much worse. That lack of confidence is a significant contributor to my singleness.
I do have my own place, for which I’m grateful. That’s been a battle I itself, I lost everything in my divorce and still carry the guilt of throwing away so much money. Without this tiny flat, I’d have nothing but even so, it feels like a prison. I go to work to a job I hate each morning, then come home each evening to a couple of lonely rooms and that’s it. I do nothing. Sometimes the TV is good enough to keep my mind occupied but sometimes I just can’t concentrate on it so I go to bed.
I’m just about managing with bills, I think. I have a small amount of money left at the end of each month but it’s not really enough to do anything with, it’s always under £100. I worry about money constantly because of everything which has happened in the past. Having nothing really makes you worry about things!
There’s probably more I could say but I’ve been typing long enough and I still don’t know what the point is.
I would like to say "chin up, it gets better", but I know that is not what you want to hear.
One option is drugs - chat to your GP, sounds like depression as well as getting any of your health issues looked at.
One option is volunteering, or finding a completely different hobby, one that will gently get you out of your daily grind and slowly meeting a new person with no expectations.
What are your happy things to do? - Take your car for a spin? whisky tasting?
One option is drugs - chat to your GP, sounds like depression as well as getting any of your health issues looked at.
One option is volunteering, or finding a completely different hobby, one that will gently get you out of your daily grind and slowly meeting a new person with no expectations.
What are your happy things to do? - Take your car for a spin? whisky tasting?
I'm in a very similar position to you except I'm minus money every month but lucky enough to have some savings.
I'm on a day off today and as usual I'm struggling to find a reason to go out.
Stupid, because if I do go out, even just for a walk as it's a gorgeous day, I know I'll feel much better.
It's all I can offer mate, just push yourself to get out.
The flat will feel more like a home and less like a prison cell the more you stay out of it.
As others have said, you can try the doctor for anti depressants but be warned, they'll make you feel worse before you feel better.
Probably no help but there's a lot of us about and I have found that quite often that cheery person at work is struggling with stuff too.
I'm on a day off today and as usual I'm struggling to find a reason to go out.
Stupid, because if I do go out, even just for a walk as it's a gorgeous day, I know I'll feel much better.
It's all I can offer mate, just push yourself to get out.
The flat will feel more like a home and less like a prison cell the more you stay out of it.
As others have said, you can try the doctor for anti depressants but be warned, they'll make you feel worse before you feel better.
Probably no help but there's a lot of us about and I have found that quite often that cheery person at work is struggling with stuff too.
Get a hobby and get outdoors which will solve the weight issue. If you join a walking club you’ll meet others and hopefully form friendships.
I felt similar a few years back after an ex left me a shell of a person and I felt devoid of passion for anything. I ‘just’ had to push myself to restart and forget what had happened. Better to concentrate on building a better life rather than letting past events (that I have no control if) dictate my future and drag me down. Easier said than done, I’m fully aware!
How old are you? What interests do you have with TV/ life in general?
I felt similar a few years back after an ex left me a shell of a person and I felt devoid of passion for anything. I ‘just’ had to push myself to restart and forget what had happened. Better to concentrate on building a better life rather than letting past events (that I have no control if) dictate my future and drag me down. Easier said than done, I’m fully aware!
How old are you? What interests do you have with TV/ life in general?
well done for being able to write it - it is very difficult for those around who are not in the same place to ever understand that loneliness and sense of pointlessness, and we live in such a busy world that others will continue around without thinking of how they can help - so a lot is down to you (which is really tough!)
I would second talking to your GP - even trying to find an appointment will give you a daily task until you are successful! - a good GP will be very understanding of treating you as a whole person - you don't need a broken toe to go to the GP. It is easy to slip into depression, and there are drugs which can help balance those chemicals and make it an easier place from which to move forward...
Other than that I would say it is always one step at a time - do one thing new, and make that joining an activity as suggested above - either join a walking group (ideal for exercise and companionship), or perhaps something like a men's shed where you can just go and hang out?
I would second talking to your GP - even trying to find an appointment will give you a daily task until you are successful! - a good GP will be very understanding of treating you as a whole person - you don't need a broken toe to go to the GP. It is easy to slip into depression, and there are drugs which can help balance those chemicals and make it an easier place from which to move forward...
Other than that I would say it is always one step at a time - do one thing new, and make that joining an activity as suggested above - either join a walking group (ideal for exercise and companionship), or perhaps something like a men's shed where you can just go and hang out?
Some of your comments are really interesting.
You say you can't chat to your friends because they're typical macho men types...
They probably think the same about you, living the dream of a free man in a bachelor pad.
Only takes one person to say "I'm struggling a bit with motivation and being lonely" and before you know it everyone says "ah yeah I struggled with that last year" or "you shouldve said, let's go for a pint more often" or "there's this lovely lady at work and I think you two would hit it off".
And it sounds daft, but if its meaningful conversation like that then its more endearing. You want to meet up again and find out more, check up etc. If its meaningless, impersonal conversation then it gets boring and much the same and possibly why one of your pals has bailed.
If you have your guard up then you can guarantee your mates have theirs up subconsciously.
I'm on a bit of a personal health kick at the minute but I've found that one of the biggest factors in how I feel and general energy is related to what I eat and drink. First off, I've cut out booze pretty much altogether at home. Saves a fortune if nothing else.
And I've stopped snacking altogether (another money saver). One of the things that has really kept me going has been pistonheads (the 2022 weight loss thread). Some absolutely mega advice and progress in there almost turns it into a cheerleading and advice thread without the macho macho of the "workout" thread.
Where abouts in the country are you? I'm sure there are plenty of folk on here (myself included), that would happily meet up for a drink/chat/spanner/walk etc if you're within reach. PM me if you like
You say you can't chat to your friends because they're typical macho men types...
They probably think the same about you, living the dream of a free man in a bachelor pad.
Only takes one person to say "I'm struggling a bit with motivation and being lonely" and before you know it everyone says "ah yeah I struggled with that last year" or "you shouldve said, let's go for a pint more often" or "there's this lovely lady at work and I think you two would hit it off".
And it sounds daft, but if its meaningful conversation like that then its more endearing. You want to meet up again and find out more, check up etc. If its meaningless, impersonal conversation then it gets boring and much the same and possibly why one of your pals has bailed.
If you have your guard up then you can guarantee your mates have theirs up subconsciously.
I'm on a bit of a personal health kick at the minute but I've found that one of the biggest factors in how I feel and general energy is related to what I eat and drink. First off, I've cut out booze pretty much altogether at home. Saves a fortune if nothing else.
And I've stopped snacking altogether (another money saver). One of the things that has really kept me going has been pistonheads (the 2022 weight loss thread). Some absolutely mega advice and progress in there almost turns it into a cheerleading and advice thread without the macho macho of the "workout" thread.
Where abouts in the country are you? I'm sure there are plenty of folk on here (myself included), that would happily meet up for a drink/chat/spanner/walk etc if you're within reach. PM me if you like
StetrolPation said:
I’m really struggling at the moment and have been for a while so it’s time for a burner account to talk it out, apologies in advance if it’s a bit scatty and I ramble but there’s a lot in my head. If anyone manages to work out who I am from previous posts, please keep it to yourself.
First and foremost, I’ve been single since my divorce which was 6 years ago. By that I don’t just mean I haven’t been in a relationship, I mean I haven’t even been on a date and it’s 6 years to the day since I had sex. Nobody knows that. At work I have to dodge the topic if it ever comes up, friends and family are unaware. It’s embarrassing regardless, I’d by mortified if it was common knowledge.
On the subject of friends, I don’t really have any. I’ve got two who I go for some vaguely regular food with but recently one of them has decided he has a better offer so now I’m down to 3 in total. I’ve only seen one of them in the last 2 years. I can’t talk to any of them openly because they’re all typical blokes and are incapable of listening to emotion.
I have some undiagnosed health problems which I’m having to keep to myself because I can’t talk to my family about them. My dad died when I was a teenager and so any mention of poor health is brushed under the carpet now. All I ever get is ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine’. Being single and alone and not being able to talk about this is really affecting me, things just keep circling round in my head and I think the worst all the time.
As a result of these issues I’ve put some of the weight I battled hard to lose back on. I can’t run, I can’t cycle and that’s not helping. I also can’t commit to going anywhere, even on my own, because I don’t know how I’ll feel physically on a day in the future. That also means I’ve not been on holiday for 6 years, not that I could have afforded to. This extra weight has knocked my confidence completely and I’ve never really liked the way I look so it’s much worse. That lack of confidence is a significant contributor to my singleness.
I do have my own place, for which I’m grateful. That’s been a battle I itself, I lost everything in my divorce and still carry the guilt of throwing away so much money. Without this tiny flat, I’d have nothing but even so, it feels like a prison. I go to work to a job I hate each morning, then come home each evening to a couple of lonely rooms and that’s it. I do nothing. Sometimes the TV is good enough to keep my mind occupied but sometimes I just can’t concentrate on it so I go to bed.
I’m just about managing with bills, I think. I have a small amount of money left at the end of each month but it’s not really enough to do anything with, it’s always under £100. I worry about money constantly because of everything which has happened in the past. Having nothing really makes you worry about things!
There’s probably more I could say but I’ve been typing long enough and I still don’t know what the point is.
I would speak to your GP and go through the different options to make you feel better about yourself. I was so resistant to taking them but once you get one that works it makes a massive difference. First and foremost, I’ve been single since my divorce which was 6 years ago. By that I don’t just mean I haven’t been in a relationship, I mean I haven’t even been on a date and it’s 6 years to the day since I had sex. Nobody knows that. At work I have to dodge the topic if it ever comes up, friends and family are unaware. It’s embarrassing regardless, I’d by mortified if it was common knowledge.
On the subject of friends, I don’t really have any. I’ve got two who I go for some vaguely regular food with but recently one of them has decided he has a better offer so now I’m down to 3 in total. I’ve only seen one of them in the last 2 years. I can’t talk to any of them openly because they’re all typical blokes and are incapable of listening to emotion.
I have some undiagnosed health problems which I’m having to keep to myself because I can’t talk to my family about them. My dad died when I was a teenager and so any mention of poor health is brushed under the carpet now. All I ever get is ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine’. Being single and alone and not being able to talk about this is really affecting me, things just keep circling round in my head and I think the worst all the time.
As a result of these issues I’ve put some of the weight I battled hard to lose back on. I can’t run, I can’t cycle and that’s not helping. I also can’t commit to going anywhere, even on my own, because I don’t know how I’ll feel physically on a day in the future. That also means I’ve not been on holiday for 6 years, not that I could have afforded to. This extra weight has knocked my confidence completely and I’ve never really liked the way I look so it’s much worse. That lack of confidence is a significant contributor to my singleness.
I do have my own place, for which I’m grateful. That’s been a battle I itself, I lost everything in my divorce and still carry the guilt of throwing away so much money. Without this tiny flat, I’d have nothing but even so, it feels like a prison. I go to work to a job I hate each morning, then come home each evening to a couple of lonely rooms and that’s it. I do nothing. Sometimes the TV is good enough to keep my mind occupied but sometimes I just can’t concentrate on it so I go to bed.
I’m just about managing with bills, I think. I have a small amount of money left at the end of each month but it’s not really enough to do anything with, it’s always under £100. I worry about money constantly because of everything which has happened in the past. Having nothing really makes you worry about things!
There’s probably more I could say but I’ve been typing long enough and I still don’t know what the point is.
I am sure the trauma of losing your father in your teenage years will have affected you and it can come back to bite when things in your life change.
When a relationship breaks up you can feel like you are a failure or worthless so you protect yourself by not getting involved with another women. I am not sure if this is you or not but it’s just another point.
Alas there is still a stigma when it comes to mental health and many people just aren’t interested or don’t understand.
But there are millions of people who hide how they really feel. It’s hiding these emotions that wears you out. You become an actor on a daily basis but it’s not good hiding.
You have your own place and you are working. That’s two massive points. Well done.
So I would make an appointment with your GP. And be 💯 honest with them as you know whatever you say will go no further. If you don’t get the answers from that GP make another appointment with another.
If they recommend antidepressants keep in mind you will feel worse before you feel better but everyone is different. This is the first step to you getting your life back.
The one thing I have learned is fu** what others think and you will be a lot happier. 🙂
Two things.
Mediation.
Visualisation. Can you try to imagine an optimistic scenario to your daily routine in five years time?
Does it involve kids? A different job?
Sketch out what a typical day would look like. Then work out the first steps to achieve it. First steps will likely involve modifying your diet. Again imagine what a realistic long term diet you can eat everyday would look like. No point doing short term faddy stuff. Work out what you can sustain every day. Might involve giving up certain foods.
Mediation.
Visualisation. Can you try to imagine an optimistic scenario to your daily routine in five years time?
Does it involve kids? A different job?
Sketch out what a typical day would look like. Then work out the first steps to achieve it. First steps will likely involve modifying your diet. Again imagine what a realistic long term diet you can eat everyday would look like. No point doing short term faddy stuff. Work out what you can sustain every day. Might involve giving up certain foods.
StetrolPation said:
I’ve been single since my divorce which was 6 years ago. By that I don’t just mean I haven’t been in a relationship, I mean I haven’t even been on a date and it’s 6 years to the day since I had sex. Nobody knows that. At work I have to dodge the topic if it ever comes up, friends and family are unaware. It’s embarrassing regardless, I’d by mortified if it was common knowledge.
On this point alone, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. No need to be mortified. This will be far more common than you realise. Hi, that’s a brave post to write and shows that you have already taken the first step to acknowledge you aren’t happy and that you are ready to do something about it.
Self awareness is a great skill, even though at times it’s the critical voice (of despair) it’s also the critical friend that will push you to get back to a fulfilling life.
Happiness for most people is three things. Self worth (usually derived from purpose or work) Meaningful relationships and health. Right now all three legs of the stool are under attack.
So try to think in incremental gains, first your weight is obviously knocking your confidence and sense of self worth. Priorities this.
Set some realistic, written goal, and work at it. Make sure you leave the house every single day, a thirty minute walk is enough.
Then call your mates and be honest with them !
Maybe consider if your life could work with a rescue dog in it? Gives you company, an external focus and will help with the walking !
Firstly well done. You've got some issues and your looking to sort them out and have asked for help. Your doing better than most. However take everything I say with a pinch of salt along with most advice on here, PH is generally a nice bunch when someone's in need, but not many here are qualified to really help.
You mentioned sex/relationships. Do you actually want it or just feel you should? If you don't want sex or a relationship don't feel guilty or weird, just be you. If you do want it, and I know this is a bit personal, is one of the medical issues stopping you having sex? If not fear not, anyone can get laid, see further on.
Weight. God I know how hard it is. I'm a bloater. I have a fairly physical job, don't avoid exercise in daily life but hate exercising for the sake of it. In a strange way losing my driving licence would be the best thing in the world for me health wise as when I used to cycle daily I was like a fence lat. I also love food. Mostly fattening food. Plus I tend to eat when down, bored etc. Not a good combo. But despite that and the fact I hate being fat I don't let it get me down and stop me doing things, I'll go to swimming pools, I'll sunbathe on holiday, I used to go out on the pull. Because ultimately the worst case scenario is some arse takes the p. But they likely won't. And the world's full of fatties. You do not stand out like you think you do.
Trapped in job/house. Do something about this. Is a change of job practical? I've done jobs I utterly detested and wow what a drain on your soul it is. What makes the flat feel like a prison? Is it the fact it keeps you in a job you hate (see above) or the actual flat? In which case can you sell and move?
This is a bit tough love I know, and I also know how hard it is to hear having had it myself. The fact your seeking help though puts you in a better place to hear it.
Only you can change things. The old get up off your arse point is true. You will definitely get kicked back down plenty of times, but compartmentalise all your issues, write them all on a white board if you need to, and then start chewing through them. Don't just put the big things down, put little ones on as well, little wins are still wins. That shelf you've been meaning to put up for ever, that leaking tap, your tax return, the letter to the old friend you keep putting off, losing a stone, speaking to a girl at work you like just as a friend, stick some goals down and stick some problems down. When you clear one scrub it off. Watch the list go down. Don't be afraid to add new ones. Just seeing them on paper does help. You are alive, you can walk out the front door and see the sky, you do have a job bringing in slightly more than your outgoings and you have a roof over your head. Life could be worse but I think you can make it a lot better!
Good luck!
You mentioned sex/relationships. Do you actually want it or just feel you should? If you don't want sex or a relationship don't feel guilty or weird, just be you. If you do want it, and I know this is a bit personal, is one of the medical issues stopping you having sex? If not fear not, anyone can get laid, see further on.
Weight. God I know how hard it is. I'm a bloater. I have a fairly physical job, don't avoid exercise in daily life but hate exercising for the sake of it. In a strange way losing my driving licence would be the best thing in the world for me health wise as when I used to cycle daily I was like a fence lat. I also love food. Mostly fattening food. Plus I tend to eat when down, bored etc. Not a good combo. But despite that and the fact I hate being fat I don't let it get me down and stop me doing things, I'll go to swimming pools, I'll sunbathe on holiday, I used to go out on the pull. Because ultimately the worst case scenario is some arse takes the p. But they likely won't. And the world's full of fatties. You do not stand out like you think you do.
Trapped in job/house. Do something about this. Is a change of job practical? I've done jobs I utterly detested and wow what a drain on your soul it is. What makes the flat feel like a prison? Is it the fact it keeps you in a job you hate (see above) or the actual flat? In which case can you sell and move?
This is a bit tough love I know, and I also know how hard it is to hear having had it myself. The fact your seeking help though puts you in a better place to hear it.
Only you can change things. The old get up off your arse point is true. You will definitely get kicked back down plenty of times, but compartmentalise all your issues, write them all on a white board if you need to, and then start chewing through them. Don't just put the big things down, put little ones on as well, little wins are still wins. That shelf you've been meaning to put up for ever, that leaking tap, your tax return, the letter to the old friend you keep putting off, losing a stone, speaking to a girl at work you like just as a friend, stick some goals down and stick some problems down. When you clear one scrub it off. Watch the list go down. Don't be afraid to add new ones. Just seeing them on paper does help. You are alive, you can walk out the front door and see the sky, you do have a job bringing in slightly more than your outgoings and you have a roof over your head. Life could be worse but I think you can make it a lot better!
Good luck!
I posted earlier about getting out.
I've just forced myself and within minutes I nearly got tangled up in a dog lead due to a crazy young dachshund.
Thus a nice chat with a stranger.
A nice little lift to the day.
I'm not a dog person but it's easy to strike up a conversation with owners if you make a pleasant comment about their hound.
Someone else mentioned having to act, so true. Hardly anyone at work would guess that I'm crying inside.
They think me calm in a crises and quite a laugh.
A lady friend of mine was going to be moving into my spare room which would help with my bills.
We only see each other for a walk or cinema once every month or less.
I then realised that the person she knows is an act, and I know I can't keep it up 24/7, so I have had to put her off.
As others have said, cut out the drink and try to eat well. Hard I know as the evenings are boring so it's easy to snack and booze it up.
Yes it's easy to give advice, I just need to try harder to follow my own.
I've just forced myself and within minutes I nearly got tangled up in a dog lead due to a crazy young dachshund.
Thus a nice chat with a stranger.
A nice little lift to the day.
I'm not a dog person but it's easy to strike up a conversation with owners if you make a pleasant comment about their hound.
Someone else mentioned having to act, so true. Hardly anyone at work would guess that I'm crying inside.
They think me calm in a crises and quite a laugh.
A lady friend of mine was going to be moving into my spare room which would help with my bills.
We only see each other for a walk or cinema once every month or less.
I then realised that the person she knows is an act, and I know I can't keep it up 24/7, so I have had to put her off.
As others have said, cut out the drink and try to eat well. Hard I know as the evenings are boring so it's easy to snack and booze it up.
Yes it's easy to give advice, I just need to try harder to follow my own.
Yep, cant be easy to have written that. Be careful though, to have done so means you are at a particularly low ebb, (fair enough), but it is amazing how little things can distract you a bit and mean you havent written that before, for example!
Can i ask how old you are, approx. Reason is, the older you get, the fewer "friends" you tend to have, it is just part of life, sadly. People get busier with other things, so that is not uncommon, tbh, i dont have as many "friends" as perhaps you do! In my case though, a lot of that is i am too busy with other people, family etc etc. Point it, don't think you're in the boat alone on that score, and it hits us all occasionally.
Two things I suggest. Health issues. Not sure what they are and dont want to pry, but if undiagnosed, you need to get them diagnosed. Or at least to a stage where they dont know what it is exactly, but can help you manage them, and let you know it aint going to kill you tomorrow! Docs are good at diagnosing things that will kill you quite quickly, and pretty good at knowing if they wont. That may help somewhat with what i can guess is some anxiety and understandably some depression. And there is another point. Depression is caused by many things, but ultimately can be helped by correcting chemical imbalances. Naturally, or by medication, it doesnt really matter how, but get some help there, you would be surpised. My SIL is a manic depressive and is the most vivacious fun loving person in the world when manic, but almost suicidal a few hours later! Her meds keep her more on an even keel, so consider that.
Secondly, you mention about weight and how you cannot run, cycle etc etc. Is that absolutely the case, or just you dont like it, it hurts or is difficult due to the weight and other issues? You dont wanna hurt yourself, but if you can go to work under your own steam, presume you can walk. That is a great form of exercise. As is swimming, is there a swim club near you? If self concious, (understandably), how about open water swimming in wetsuits, things like that. Great way to meet people too. But if those are not options, how about a recumbent exercise bike in front of the TV? nice comfy seat, quiet, sit there, watch the box, knock out 10 miles before you know it? Only you know what you can do, but consider options as that seems to be a bit of an issue, and that is completely understandable.
People will say, join clubs, take up hobbies, all good suggestions, but it is not easy, but think about that. Check out facebook locally. I never knew we had a bowls club, an astronomy club (amazing couple of evenings out at that in the summer), or a "clubercise" club (with glowsticks!) / classes until recently seeing them on Facebook!
You sound like you keep a lot to yourself, and have a lot on. You are not alone, but this is a step to share and a good step. You say your mates dont do emotion, you may be surprised, take baby steps and try ti introduce some of the issues you're seeing in convo with them, say it can be "this bloke at work" and see how they react. You may be surprised what stuff they have going on that you dont know.
Lastly, hang in there. Life is a bit crap for most of us at the mo, tbh, it is not quite as simple as it was a few years back, it is more pricey, there seems to be less exciting things to do, but it wont be like that forever. Presume you dont have kids, btw, if you do, even if grown up, do you have much to do with them? If not, maybe make some calls?
Things will take a turn for the better, ....baby steps.
Can i ask how old you are, approx. Reason is, the older you get, the fewer "friends" you tend to have, it is just part of life, sadly. People get busier with other things, so that is not uncommon, tbh, i dont have as many "friends" as perhaps you do! In my case though, a lot of that is i am too busy with other people, family etc etc. Point it, don't think you're in the boat alone on that score, and it hits us all occasionally.
Two things I suggest. Health issues. Not sure what they are and dont want to pry, but if undiagnosed, you need to get them diagnosed. Or at least to a stage where they dont know what it is exactly, but can help you manage them, and let you know it aint going to kill you tomorrow! Docs are good at diagnosing things that will kill you quite quickly, and pretty good at knowing if they wont. That may help somewhat with what i can guess is some anxiety and understandably some depression. And there is another point. Depression is caused by many things, but ultimately can be helped by correcting chemical imbalances. Naturally, or by medication, it doesnt really matter how, but get some help there, you would be surpised. My SIL is a manic depressive and is the most vivacious fun loving person in the world when manic, but almost suicidal a few hours later! Her meds keep her more on an even keel, so consider that.
Secondly, you mention about weight and how you cannot run, cycle etc etc. Is that absolutely the case, or just you dont like it, it hurts or is difficult due to the weight and other issues? You dont wanna hurt yourself, but if you can go to work under your own steam, presume you can walk. That is a great form of exercise. As is swimming, is there a swim club near you? If self concious, (understandably), how about open water swimming in wetsuits, things like that. Great way to meet people too. But if those are not options, how about a recumbent exercise bike in front of the TV? nice comfy seat, quiet, sit there, watch the box, knock out 10 miles before you know it? Only you know what you can do, but consider options as that seems to be a bit of an issue, and that is completely understandable.
People will say, join clubs, take up hobbies, all good suggestions, but it is not easy, but think about that. Check out facebook locally. I never knew we had a bowls club, an astronomy club (amazing couple of evenings out at that in the summer), or a "clubercise" club (with glowsticks!) / classes until recently seeing them on Facebook!
You sound like you keep a lot to yourself, and have a lot on. You are not alone, but this is a step to share and a good step. You say your mates dont do emotion, you may be surprised, take baby steps and try ti introduce some of the issues you're seeing in convo with them, say it can be "this bloke at work" and see how they react. You may be surprised what stuff they have going on that you dont know.
Lastly, hang in there. Life is a bit crap for most of us at the mo, tbh, it is not quite as simple as it was a few years back, it is more pricey, there seems to be less exciting things to do, but it wont be like that forever. Presume you dont have kids, btw, if you do, even if grown up, do you have much to do with them? If not, maybe make some calls?
Things will take a turn for the better, ....baby steps.
Depression is not something I have suffered with thankfully, but I have had 10+ years of helping someone very close to me dealing with it.
Don't underestimate the power of fresh air, exercise, daylight and being in nature. Go for a walk at least once a day, on your lunchbreak if that is feasible rather than in the dark mornings or evenings. It also helps to get you out of your workplace for a while.
Diet, and drinking - poor diet causes all sorts of issues, both physical and mental. Alcohol exacerbates these. Eat well. Avoid comfort foods, and snacking. There are plenty of studies which link gut health with mental health.
Discipline - keep your flat tidy, stay on top of the cleaning, laundry, plant watering etc. Get up, make the bed. Have a routine. Doing stuff when you want to is easy, doing it when you don't is hard. Routines help this. Turn it into somewhere you want to come back to, not some smelly, curtains-permanently-closed, dark cave.
On one of your good days, write a letter to yourself, so you can read it on a bad day. People with depression often can't see life any other way. If you can tell yourself that it is not always like this, and in won't always be like this, then that may be of some comfort.
Get a hobby, join an evening class or take an online course. Many are free, you'll learn a skill, and meet people.
WRT anti-depressants, after a few years we decided they were unhelpful, and moved away from them. They are not without risk and side-effects, so do your homework if you are going down that road.
Don't underestimate the power of fresh air, exercise, daylight and being in nature. Go for a walk at least once a day, on your lunchbreak if that is feasible rather than in the dark mornings or evenings. It also helps to get you out of your workplace for a while.
Diet, and drinking - poor diet causes all sorts of issues, both physical and mental. Alcohol exacerbates these. Eat well. Avoid comfort foods, and snacking. There are plenty of studies which link gut health with mental health.
Discipline - keep your flat tidy, stay on top of the cleaning, laundry, plant watering etc. Get up, make the bed. Have a routine. Doing stuff when you want to is easy, doing it when you don't is hard. Routines help this. Turn it into somewhere you want to come back to, not some smelly, curtains-permanently-closed, dark cave.
On one of your good days, write a letter to yourself, so you can read it on a bad day. People with depression often can't see life any other way. If you can tell yourself that it is not always like this, and in won't always be like this, then that may be of some comfort.
Get a hobby, join an evening class or take an online course. Many are free, you'll learn a skill, and meet people.
WRT anti-depressants, after a few years we decided they were unhelpful, and moved away from them. They are not without risk and side-effects, so do your homework if you are going down that road.
StetrolPation said:
Wow, lots of replies! I should have expected a long, honest post to receive so many long responses but I didn’t.
Rather than try to reply now, I’ll have a proper read through and reply to everyone tonight (it’ll give me something to do this evening).
Have you considered joining weight watchers or slimming world? Would get you out, meet other people and hopefully lose some weight.Rather than try to reply now, I’ll have a proper read through and reply to everyone tonight (it’ll give me something to do this evening).
Walking and or swimming could be an option for you?
What interests do you have? Local clubs or communities to join?
Motivational self help books may help give you a boost.
Professional help is always an option.
Whatever you do don't give up
These types of posts are scarily common nowadays, and the fact people feel the need to create a new account to post them just suggests that we as a whole feel uncomfortable opening up about it. The reassuring thing is you've made a start, you're aware and you're happy to seek advice. This is the first step in my opinion. I can't really add much to the very good advice already been covered, but I saw a post the other day containing a proverb that stuck with me. "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now" I'm not sure why, but those words brought me great comfort. Even one small gesture such as doing a work out, or going for a long walk, or reaching out to an old friend to meet for a coffee could be the planting of the tree. You'll quickly find that a lot of your concerns (such as more friends, relationships) will emerge out of just getting outside, joining clubs with like minded people and effectively just putting yourself out there a bit more. You have a platform to work from (you work, you have a roof over your head) so time to add some more bricks to it, day by day, bit by bit.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2Q38zCbh...
Its Rather timely that this just popped up on my bbc feed.
Its Rather timely that this just popped up on my bbc feed.
Get yourself along to the local Andys Man Club, it may do you a world of good. You are not alone
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/find-your-nearest-group...
They meet every monday at 7pm wherever you are in the country. Also available online as well.
Non Judgemental and totally confidential, no pressure to talk, go at your own pace.
There are over 100 groups and >2000 people attending weekly. My own group regularly has 40-50 people a week
Its ok to talk.
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/find-your-nearest-group...
They meet every monday at 7pm wherever you are in the country. Also available online as well.
Non Judgemental and totally confidential, no pressure to talk, go at your own pace.
There are over 100 groups and >2000 people attending weekly. My own group regularly has 40-50 people a week
Its ok to talk.
Edited by sparkyhx on Thursday 22 September 15:40
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