Elderly parents with bad memory, possibly more

[heisthegaffer]

Hi all

With a heavy heart I write this to ask for advice/experience from others and to vent a little.

My folks are late 70s. Lovely, fun and to me young for their age. Since lockdown they've started to decline as took it very seriously, didn't go out the house for 9 months etc.

They have had a few breaks which is good but I've really noticed how forgetful they are, my ma especially so. As an example we got a dog in November 21 and I visit them at least twice a month usually taking the dog as they love her.

Also, we've moved which has been going on since March so discussed plenty. A couple of times ma has mentioned I hadn't told her about the house. I even sent pictures to my dad on WhatsApp to show her so I know at least one specific time I've shown her it.

Anyway was round the other night and she was humpy with me. I asked what's wrong but she said nothing. Then she blurted out she knew nothing about the house or dog. I delicately/vaguely mentioned that I thought I'd mentioned both but she then had a minor outburst saying she's not going round the bend.

It's really worrying. Her father had Alzheimer's but she is a really private person and when I've tried to help in the past heathwise, she's taken serious offence. She won't even let my dad in to see the doctor.

I'm angry and upset but have to accept she can't help it. Anyone got any advice? Can I talk to the doctor about it if there is a chance it is something as serious as dementia or Alzheimer's?

Thanks

Edited by heisthegaffer on Thursday 25th August 07:57

[PositronicRay]

heisthegaffer said:

Hi all

With a heavy heart I write this to ask for advice/experience from others and to vent a little.

My folks are late 70s. Lovely, fun and to me young for their age. Since lockdown they've started to decline as took it very seriously, didn't go out the house for 9 months etc.

They have had a few breaks which is good but I've really noticed how forgetful they are, my ma especially so. As an example we got a dog in November 21 and I visit them at least twice a month usually taking the dog as they love her.

Also, we've moved which has been going on since March so discussed plenty. A couple of times ma has mentioned I hadn't told her about the house. I even sent pictures to my dad on WhatsApp to show her so I know at least one specific time I've shown her it.

Anyway was round the other night and she was humpy with me. I asked what's wrong but she said nothing. Then she blurted out she knew nothing about the house or dog. I delicately/vaguely mentioned that I thought I'd mentioned both but she then had a minor outburst saying she's not going round the bend.

It's really worrying. Her father had Alzheimer's but she is a really private person and when I've tried to help in the past heathwise, she's taken serious offence. She won't even let my dad in to see the doctor.

I'm angry and upset but have to accept she can't help it. Anyone got any advice? Can I talk to the doctor about it if there is a chance it is something as serious as dementia or Alzheimer's?

Thanks

Edited by heisthegaffer on Thursday 25th August 07:57

When this happened to a neighbour, thier son discussed it with their doctor. The doctor made an appointment to visit under the pretext of 'well person community health care' or some such thing.

It started the ball rolling and got them in the system.

[sparkyhx]

probably the only thing to do at the moment is what Positronic suggested.

Your distance/lack of visits, makes things more difficult to monitor. It will also be difficult while they are together as they will cover for each other as well. Making it harder to get a true picture.

We are going thru the same with the wifes mother, she is on her own, but is physically good for a woman of 86. 'We' are there 1-2 times a week, but she doesnt even remember we've been. We see the doctor and she's on her best behaviour, so its taken ages for them to accept there is something wrong. She's now been formally diagnosed with Alzheimers. But it took a serious heart attack in part due to her forgetting to take her blood pressure medication, that triggered intervention. Up to that she was covering quite well and apart from short term memory issues we didnt think she was too bad.
When we started 'snooping' around the house she had food in the fridge months old, she was hording some things. She was going to M&S every day and buying food, not eating it and then getting the same the next day. She lost a massive amount of weight (nearly 20%) cos she wasn't eating. we now have carers in 3 times a day to ensure she eats and is taking medication.

She's suddenly developed a sweet tooth buying sweets and cakes which are also stockpiled, You have the same conversation over and over again in the space of a few minutes. She's gone thru 3 phones (lost) in the past 9 months and 3 sets of keys

I'm sure the isolation isnt helping as she's not safe to use a car, for some bizarre reason the doctors have said she is still ok to drive........b*ll*ck to that. We've told her she has to tell DVLA (true) about the diagnosis but she cant drive till they say she can (not true). Hopefully the DVLA delays will mean she deteriorates to the point the Dr agrees with us she's not fit to drive to drive.

[Pedro25]

Feel your pain OP, my wife lost her father earlier this year, her mum lives about a mile from us, my wife has taken over practically everything to do with her mums day to day needs. We noticed that she was forgetting things with much more regularity, conversations about the same subject numerous times within the same hour, forgetting things spoken about less than 20 mins after spoken. Her constant reply to my wife is 'Your dad used to do all that' this means banking, council tax, meter readings, car tax and insurance, food basically everything. It's almost as if she's given up. It sounds very much as if your mum is heading towards some kind of mental difficulty, as others have said local GP must be the 1st call to get advice and assistance. Good luck.

[PositronicRay]

sparkyhx said:

I'm sure the isolation isnt helping as she's not safe to use a car, for some bizarre reason the doctors have said she is still ok to drive........b*ll*ck to that. We've told her she has to tell DVLA (true) about the diagnosis but she cant drive till they say she can (not true). Hopefully the DVLA delays will mean she deteriorates to the point the Dr agrees with us she's not fit to drive to drive.

In our instance son disconnected car battery.

[deckster]

This is terrible to go through and there are no easy answers. Sadly most of us will at some point have to deal with aging parents and it is truly heart-breaking to see these healthy, strong, independent people who have always been there for you turn into scared, defensive, forgetful shells of who they were. The sad truth is that although there are many fit, healthy and active 70-year-olds, there are very few of them left when they get to 80. It is probably the worst decade for physical and mental decline.

I can offer little solace, I'm afraid. My dad after a few years of physical decline - he has been diagnosed with a form of Parkinson's - went into a care home 18 months ago at the age of 82 and now cannot move unaided, and has been put on a soft-food only diet as he cannot handle solid food well any more. Every time we go to see him he is less engaged and rarely remembers from one visit to the next that we have been in to see him. I am waiting for the day that he no longer recognises me.

Age is a bh and if you're lucky, you will die before you get to the stage where all your pleasures are taken away from you one by one and you end up simply existing.

Apologies, that got dark. But thankfully you aren't there yet. I can only agree with involving your GP as they will have access to all kinds of social support - but you do need to get them into the system sooner rather than later.

[heisthegaffer]

Thanks for the comments people. We're going to drop a note to their doctor.

Luckily I'm only a few miles away but I'm closest to my ma and apparently most likely to bear the brunt of her illness in terms of being aggy with me. I'm dreading going round there I know it helps my dad loads by being there.

Will keep you posted.

[moorx]

Good luck and best wishes to you and your parents.

It may be worth reading this thread, as there's some good advice/information from people who've had similar experiences/gone through the process:

https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...

[heisthegaffer]

Thanks mate

[heisthegaffer]

Popped round last night a s my ma was like a different person, back to her usual chirpy, lovely fun self and all over the dog and chatting about the house.

Also spoke to dad separately and we've agreed him and I will go to the doctors to get him checked out and talk about ma.

Thanks again everyone. I won't pretend this is going to be anything but hard but such is life.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

OP, I've got a friend in his 70s whose memory got really bad. He was being treated for a heart arrhythmia separately and they gave him a magnesium supplement. That had the side effect of completely curing his memory issues.

Now he makes sure he has daily dark chocolate, almonds, bananas and avocado and his memory is now fine. Maybe see if it helps your mum. Nothing to lose really.

[heisthegaffer]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

OP, I've got a friend in his 70s whose memory got really bad. He was being treated for a heart arrhythmia separately and they gave him a magnesium supplement. That had the side effect of completely curing his memory issues.

Now he makes sure he has daily dark chocolate, almonds, bananas and avocado and his memory is now fine. Maybe see if it helps your mum. Nothing to lose really.

Thanks very much for this. Appreciate the note.

[sparkyhx]

PositronicRay said:

sparkyhx said:

I'm sure the isolation isnt helping as she's not safe to use a car, for some bizarre reason the doctors have said she is still ok to drive........b*ll*ck to that. We've told her she has to tell DVLA (true) about the diagnosis but she cant drive till they say she can (not true). Hopefully the DVLA delays will mean she deteriorates to the point the Dr agrees with us she's not fit to drive to drive.

In our instance son disconnected car battery.

funny you should say that..........her car needs a new battery cos its borked due to sitting for 6 months ...........but we havent bothered

[sparkyhx]

heisthegaffer said:

Popped round last night a s my ma was like a different person, back to her usual chirpy, lovely fun self and all over the dog and chatting about the house.

Also spoke to dad separately and we've agreed him and I will go to the doctors to get him checked out and talk about ma.

Thanks again everyone. I won't pretend this is going to be anything but hard but such is life.

At the weekend we had an 85th birthday party and she was in top form, but was talking about the past with all her friends, apart from asking where her son was when it came to the candles (he was 200 miles away and had never been there) that was the only problem, she appeared totally normal. Howver when everyone left and it was back to day to day stuff, she was back on a loop of asking the same questions. and clearly not knowing what was going on.

My daughter went across this week with photos for her memory album we keep and she'd largely forgotten the party.

[ziggy328]

I can help offer perspective a little here if it would help, just from personal experience that we are living through at this very minute.

To keep a long story short initially:

We live 100 miles away from my mother, dad died 12+ years ago.

I'm her only child, she does visit us when I collect her and when she wants - prefers most of the time to be doing her "crafting" etc going to church - she's 86

She visited us 4 weeks ago, I also collected my cousin and her husband and brought them all down to ours for 4 days. Mum was distant and kept repeating herself, forgetting where she was then when told would say "oh yes, silly me". I wasn't convinced.

Took them all home, then 2 weeks ago got a call. Mum had fallen and broken her hip. Had it all repaired in Pinderfields but no visiting allowed due to Covid.

Moved to a general hospital last week, we drove up - clearly she can't walk but her cognitive capabilities have fallen off a cliff - she thinks she's in her caravan she sold 35 years ago.

So we have 2 different issues now, her mobility and her confusion.

Hospital now want her out as no medical reason to take up a bed - options - rehab for mobility (refused due to hospital assessing not up to intensive physio), go home with a care package (neither I nor the hospital think that is safe nor right) or go into a care home for 4 weeks then be reassessed.

Last option seems fair, especially as my mother knows, very well from Church, a manager of a care home 2 miles from her house. I spoke to the manager in question and she certainly pulled some strings to get my mum a bed.

Hospital - no can't go there, not on our list. Cue endless discussions and escalations today with no resolution.

TL:DR - going through similar so if my current experiences can in any way assist please ask away.

Edited by ziggy328 on Friday 2nd September 17:31

Edited by ziggy328 on Friday 2nd September 17:34

[heisthegaffer]

Thanks again everyone.

Since my original post I've been round there again, last weds as was on holiday Friday to Friday and my ma was absolutely fine, good as gold and chatting about the dog and the house with no issues. I guess I will have to get used to the her having good and bad days.

[loskie]

heisthegaffer said:

Hi all

With a heavy heart I write this to ask for advice/experience from others and to vent a little.

My folks are late 70s. Lovely, fun and to me young for their age. Since lockdown they've started to decline as took it very seriously, didn't go out the house for 9 months etc.

They have had a few breaks which is good but I've really noticed how forgetful they are, my ma especially so. As an example we got a dog in November 21 and I visit them at least twice a month usually taking the dog as they love her.

Also, we've moved which has been going on since March so discussed plenty. A couple of times ma has mentioned I hadn't told her about the house. I even sent pictures to my dad on WhatsApp to show her so I know at least one specific time I've shown her it.

Anyway was round the other night and she was humpy with me. I asked what's wrong but she said nothing. Then she blurted out she knew nothing about the house or dog. I delicately/vaguely mentioned that I thought I'd mentioned both but she then had a minor outburst saying she's not going round the bend.

It's really worrying. Her father had Alzheimer's but she is a really private person and when I've tried to help in the past heathwise, she's taken serious offence. She won't even let my dad in to see the doctor.

I'm angry and upset but have to accept she can't help it. Anyone got any advice? Can I talk to the doctor about it if there is a chance it is something as serious as dementia or Alzheimer's?

Thanks

Edited by heisthegaffer on Thursday 25th August 07:57

I haven't read the rest of the thread yet but can sympathise with you. It's a difficult subject to start off with them but you really need to ensure that they have a powerof attorney in place. For both financial and wellbeing matters. Otherwise when it's needed it's a longer more difficult process.

And the very best of luck to you all.

[Ashfordian]

heisthegaffer said:

Thanks again everyone.

Since my original post I've been round there again, last weds as was on holiday Friday to Friday and my ma was absolutely fine, good as gold and chatting about the dog and the house with no issues. I guess I will have to get used to the her having good and bad days.

I'm glad you had a good day as memories of these are the ones to treasure and they will make the bad days easier.

You may not like to read this, but I fear this is the beginnings of your worse case scenario as you outlined in your original post. Are you seeing 'flip of the switch' mood swings over absolutely nothing? Looking back on my experience this was the first really noticeable sign.

Do you have a family member who only sees your mother irregularly? eg a cousin who visits every 3-6 months. Due to the length of time between their visits the changes should be easier for them to observe.