Trying (and failing) for a baby
Discussion
I was hoping a few people would be able to share their experiences with me. I don’t really know what I’m talking about to be honest and I perhaps have unrealistic expectations.
We got married last summer and started trying for a baby in September but wasn’t really trying too seriously, maybe 3 or 4 times during what my wife calls her “peak” fertility. Start of January, find out we’re pregnant, that was easy! Didn’t even really try. Unfortunately, we lost the baby shortly after. My wife did not take it well and it is getting progressively worse.
Since the miscarriage, we’ve been trying a lot more seriously, we’re talking 14 days in a row, every month since February. This month has been another fail. Something that perhaps comforted my wife earlier in the year is that it happened so easily last time, we could soon get pregnant again if we take it more seriously.
My wife has already been for some blood tests and all appeared to be clear. She’s now wanting to go private to a fertility clinic for further tests both for myself and her.
Would anyone be willing to share how long they were trying for before success? At the moment, life revolves around this for my wife. She’s taking a bunch of tablets every day, and she’s got me taking them too. Tracking her temperature everyday to see if there’s a “spike” that could indicate pregnancy, ovulation tests, the list is endless. I’m mid thirties and she’s 29.
We got married last summer and started trying for a baby in September but wasn’t really trying too seriously, maybe 3 or 4 times during what my wife calls her “peak” fertility. Start of January, find out we’re pregnant, that was easy! Didn’t even really try. Unfortunately, we lost the baby shortly after. My wife did not take it well and it is getting progressively worse.
Since the miscarriage, we’ve been trying a lot more seriously, we’re talking 14 days in a row, every month since February. This month has been another fail. Something that perhaps comforted my wife earlier in the year is that it happened so easily last time, we could soon get pregnant again if we take it more seriously.
My wife has already been for some blood tests and all appeared to be clear. She’s now wanting to go private to a fertility clinic for further tests both for myself and her.
Would anyone be willing to share how long they were trying for before success? At the moment, life revolves around this for my wife. She’s taking a bunch of tablets every day, and she’s got me taking them too. Tracking her temperature everyday to see if there’s a “spike” that could indicate pregnancy, ovulation tests, the list is endless. I’m mid thirties and she’s 29.
We tried for a year or so before visiting our GP who arranged for some tests for both of us. The result of which was a fertility problem for me.
We were referred to our local NHS fertility expert for a meeting who then submitted an application for IVF funding as we met the criteria. Thankfully that was approved and we started an NHS funded IVF cycle. That was probably 6-9 months after first seeing our GP.
IVF flagged a fertility issue for my wife as well that no amount of blood tests would ever have identified. We consider ourselves very fortunate that the NHS funded two IVF cycles for us; we funded two more ourselves before accepting it wasn't meant to be.
Go and see your GP. Ours was incredibly supportive, every person we met along the way was!
We were referred to our local NHS fertility expert for a meeting who then submitted an application for IVF funding as we met the criteria. Thankfully that was approved and we started an NHS funded IVF cycle. That was probably 6-9 months after first seeing our GP.
IVF flagged a fertility issue for my wife as well that no amount of blood tests would ever have identified. We consider ourselves very fortunate that the NHS funded two IVF cycles for us; we funded two more ourselves before accepting it wasn't meant to be.
Go and see your GP. Ours was incredibly supportive, every person we met along the way was!
Vasco said:
Agreed. You're trying too hard and letting it dominate your life. Just live your life normally, enjoy some fun time, and let nature take its course.
My eldest tried for about three years without result. Went for tests, discovered one of them was low, put in for fertility treatment but ten years ago there was a bit of a wait. While they were waiting, enjoying themselves, along came daughter 1 and 18 mnths later, daughter 2.My lad reckons the pressure was off.
We had a few mis-fires but had one naturally after being told it could never happen due to trauma from the mis-fires.
It might also be worth some counselling.
I would have been happy if we had not been able to have children, it is about embracing the life you have now and all the wonderful stuff you can do if you don’t have kids. You can try my school fees and horse ownership costs for a few months if you like.
I wish you the best of luck and enjoy trying to make them…it can get a bit mechanical if doing it on demand.
It might also be worth some counselling.
I would have been happy if we had not been able to have children, it is about embracing the life you have now and all the wonderful stuff you can do if you don’t have kids. You can try my school fees and horse ownership costs for a few months if you like.
I wish you the best of luck and enjoy trying to make them…it can get a bit mechanical if doing it on demand.
First of all, sorry for your loss.
I'd imagine that people are more comfortable talking about their successes rather than any issues they might be having, so you will no doubt see a skewed response to your question here. Please keep that in mind.
I had a similar experience to you in terms of my wife getting pregnant very quickly when we first started trying. It was literally the first month and we had only had two goes. Despite a few serious scares around 11 weeks she went full term. Our next baby took 4 months to conceive but I think it usually takes a fair while longer on average.
From the description of your current regime, I would certainly leave it at least 2 or 3 days between each attempt to ensure your body can build up a decent army before the battle. Every day for 14 days sounds like it might not be ideal.
I wish you the best of luck
I'd imagine that people are more comfortable talking about their successes rather than any issues they might be having, so you will no doubt see a skewed response to your question here. Please keep that in mind.
I had a similar experience to you in terms of my wife getting pregnant very quickly when we first started trying. It was literally the first month and we had only had two goes. Despite a few serious scares around 11 weeks she went full term. Our next baby took 4 months to conceive but I think it usually takes a fair while longer on average.
From the description of your current regime, I would certainly leave it at least 2 or 3 days between each attempt to ensure your body can build up a decent army before the battle. Every day for 14 days sounds like it might not be ideal.
I wish you the best of luck
Edited by FreeLitres on Tuesday 5th July 20:38
Took about 6 months with each of ours, it can get stressful rather than fun - and our second in the end was conceived in a month when we weren't trying, just away for the weekend!
I'd say the miscarriage is a positive sign - you can get pregnant, just don't over try, over think it etc, 14 times a month sounds excessive when the window is quite small. I would try and relax more and give it another 6 months or so. You have time on your side too.
I'd say the miscarriage is a positive sign - you can get pregnant, just don't over try, over think it etc, 14 times a month sounds excessive when the window is quite small. I would try and relax more and give it another 6 months or so. You have time on your side too.
Firstly, sorry for your loss.
Agree with all the comments about 'not trying', went through this last couple of years then last yr, lo and behold when least expecting it wife became pregnant. I think give it a chance before going down the fertility route though I am not a medic/fertility expert so take advice from the professionals if/when you need to.
Agree with all the comments about 'not trying', went through this last couple of years then last yr, lo and behold when least expecting it wife became pregnant. I think give it a chance before going down the fertility route though I am not a medic/fertility expert so take advice from the professionals if/when you need to.
Edited by VR99 on Tuesday 5th July 20:44
I would say the opposite: get medical attention. Pay if you need to.
The sooner you understand what the challenges are, the sooner they can (hopefully) be resolved.
ETA: I'm not in the market for children personally, but have many friends who have gone down this route and left it late. Their heartbreak has been painful to witness.
The sooner you understand what the challenges are, the sooner they can (hopefully) be resolved.
ETA: I'm not in the market for children personally, but have many friends who have gone down this route and left it late. Their heartbreak has been painful to witness.
Here is a thread from years ago that has some good posts.
Difficulty getting pregnant\https://www.pistonhead...
Our own story was similar to yours starting with a miscarriage and then nothing. As in the first few posts on the page I linked to on the thread above, my wife and I went through IVF and had our first child called Liam. I am not sure I would call the IVF image "perfect" any more as, 10 years later he is a smart ass.
Happy to post here as well as this is something that should be more openly talked about.
Difficulty getting pregnant\https://www.pistonhead...
Our own story was similar to yours starting with a miscarriage and then nothing. As in the first few posts on the page I linked to on the thread above, my wife and I went through IVF and had our first child called Liam. I am not sure I would call the IVF image "perfect" any more as, 10 years later he is a smart ass.
Happy to post here as well as this is something that should be more openly talked about.
You both ideally need 4/5 days leading up to the ovum being released.
That’s your window if it does not happen then rest up for the next window. (Ouchie)..
Most women do not have a ‘natural’ 28 day cycle. Some more some less.. so it could be 10/18 days before her next period depending on how regular she is.
The ovum will only last 8/20 hours from being released, the sperms can live for 3/5 days, you have a larger window than her.
You, Stop drinking, lots of vit D (see holiday babies) lots of pasta, absolutely no drugs (even prescription).
When she is ovulating you should see breast swelling, a different ‘taste’ and a different fluid from her, the slippery the better as that helps the sperm travel, and means she is at her most fertile.
Save the penetration sex for the special time of conception, take it easy, relax, and wish you all the best. D
Nb,
1st child.. My wife was upset about not being pregnant after 5 months of trying.
2nd child.. well.. valentines night.. run out of suits…
A good friends of our went 5 yrs trying… IVF, twins.. donor sperm and egg, 14 months later fell naturally..
That’s your window if it does not happen then rest up for the next window. (Ouchie)..
Most women do not have a ‘natural’ 28 day cycle. Some more some less.. so it could be 10/18 days before her next period depending on how regular she is.
The ovum will only last 8/20 hours from being released, the sperms can live for 3/5 days, you have a larger window than her.
You, Stop drinking, lots of vit D (see holiday babies) lots of pasta, absolutely no drugs (even prescription).
When she is ovulating you should see breast swelling, a different ‘taste’ and a different fluid from her, the slippery the better as that helps the sperm travel, and means she is at her most fertile.
Save the penetration sex for the special time of conception, take it easy, relax, and wish you all the best. D
Nb,
1st child.. My wife was upset about not being pregnant after 5 months of trying.
2nd child.. well.. valentines night.. run out of suits…
A good friends of our went 5 yrs trying… IVF, twins.. donor sperm and egg, 14 months later fell naturally..
Edited by Deesee on Tuesday 5th July 21:04
Mobile Chicane said:
I would say the opposite: get medical attention. Pay if you need to.
The sooner you understand what the challenges are, the sooner they can (hopefully) be resolved.
ETA: I'm not in the market for children personally, but have many friends who have gone down this route and left it late. Their heartbreak has been painful to witness.
100%.The sooner you understand what the challenges are, the sooner they can (hopefully) be resolved.
ETA: I'm not in the market for children personally, but have many friends who have gone down this route and left it late. Their heartbreak has been painful to witness.
If you think there might be a problem, get it looked into by medical professionals as soon as possible, do not delay. If you go through the NHS it can take months or years just waiting for an appointment. Even private treatment can take years depending on what the issue is and how many attempts etc.
The clock is ticking, quite literally, and every year that passes is a notable loss of fertility for females once they pass the age of 30. Males start to decline in fertility at around 40.
I know several couples who have taken many years to finally achieve a successful pregnancy. One couple we are friends with started seeking treatment at age 31 and it took them over 9 years of IVF cycles and trying naturally, before they finally had a baby.
Just bear things like that in mind and ask yourself how long you want to wait before seeking help.
Let’s be realistic about one other thing: it’s all well and good various posters saying “I wasn’t worried if we had children or not” but for many women, the desire for children will become all consuming, and it is an incredibly difficult thing to get over. It will tear some people apart. I have witnessed some friends of ours split up precisely because they couldn’t have children. They had been trying naturally and having IVF for 7 years with no luck, and are now getting divorced because the wife has essentially suffered a breakdown over it all. She says her whole purpose in life was to have kids.
My wife and I decided we had problems after trying naturally for around 8-10 months. My wife went to her GP, who was frankly awful. Actually laughed and said we should keep trying “for at least 12-18” months and then come back. We made a complaint, and were immediately referred to a specialist NHS fertility centre. The tests immediately showed my sperm was at around 5% effectiveness compared to ‘normal’.
We were booked straight in for IVF with the option of process called ICSI. They also advised me to eat more healthily, get fitter, take vitamins, stop drinking alcohol etc, which I did.
When we went in for the first cycle of IVF, my sperm was tested again, and it was found to be 90% ‘good’, which was quite a surprise considering it was 5% last time. Was it the changes to my lifestyle? Not sure, but something worked. They suggested my sperm was fine for natural conception or IVF, but we asked them to go for ICSI anyway as natural clearly wasn’t working for whatever mystery reasons.
Long story short, IVF/ICSI was not successful first time around, so the hospital booked us back in for another go immediately. Second time round was successful and we have now have a little boy which we are incredibly grateful for.
The fertility hospital were absolutely incredible. To be honest, once we got past the GP, I can’t fault anything we were given by the NHS. It was just pot luck that when we needed help, there was no waiting list to speak of, but I understand that can vary enormously by year and by the area in which you live.
Lastly, sometimes couples go through several cycles of IVF, with no success, and then conceive naturally. This is not uncommon. IVF can often kick start the female reproductive system.
My advice, based on my own experience, and watching couples around me go through fertility issues for the last 10-15 years, would be:
Keep trying naturally, but bear in mind that for ‘maximum sperm effectiveness’ you need to leave it 3 days between sex, otherwise you will be virtually depleted each time. Having sex 2-3 times per week is considered optimum.
Stop drinking any alcohol, take vitamins, eat more fruit and veg, start exercising, and so on. It may alter your sperm drastically.
At the same time as doing the above, I would seek medical help immediately. It can take years. Don’t delay.
I wish you very best of luck, and I am sorry for your loss.
Edited by anonymous-user on Tuesday 5th July 22:21
Deesee said:
You both ideally need 4/5 days leading up to the ovum being released.
That’s your window if it does not happen then rest up for the next window. (Ouchie)..
Most women do not have a ‘natural’ 28 day cycle. Some more some less.. so it could be 10/18 days before her next period depending on how regular she is.
The ovum will only last 8/20 hours from being released, the sperms can live for 3/5 days, you have a larger window than her.
You, Stop drinking, lots of vit D (see holiday babies) lots of pasta, absolutely no drugs (even prescription).
When she is ovulating you should see breast swelling, a different ‘taste’ and a different fluid from her, the slippery the better as that helps the sperm travel, and means she is at her most fertile.
Save the penetration sex for the special time of conception, take it easy, relax, and wish you all the best. D
Nb,
1st child.. My wife was upset about not being pregnant after 5 months of trying.
2nd child.. well.. valentines night.. run out of suits…
A good friends of our went 5 yrs trying… IVF, twins.. donor sperm and egg, 14 months later fell naturally..
Some information I disagree with. First, do not look for reasons that are "causing" the problem. You will end up with blame and resentment. Yes, have a healthy lifestyle in general but do not think drinking is having a significant impact unless you are an alcoholic. Multiple studies have shown alcohol is not a significant factor until extreme levels. Speak with a doctor for real concerns that can be addressed. That’s your window if it does not happen then rest up for the next window. (Ouchie)..
Most women do not have a ‘natural’ 28 day cycle. Some more some less.. so it could be 10/18 days before her next period depending on how regular she is.
The ovum will only last 8/20 hours from being released, the sperms can live for 3/5 days, you have a larger window than her.
You, Stop drinking, lots of vit D (see holiday babies) lots of pasta, absolutely no drugs (even prescription).
When she is ovulating you should see breast swelling, a different ‘taste’ and a different fluid from her, the slippery the better as that helps the sperm travel, and means she is at her most fertile.
Save the penetration sex for the special time of conception, take it easy, relax, and wish you all the best. D
Nb,
1st child.. My wife was upset about not being pregnant after 5 months of trying.
2nd child.. well.. valentines night.. run out of suits…
A good friends of our went 5 yrs trying… IVF, twins.. donor sperm and egg, 14 months later fell naturally..
Edited by Deesee on Tuesday 5th July 21:04
Also, while it can be difficult for it not to become routine, do not punish yourselves by not having sex. It is correct to say that you should have a few days built up at the right time, it is also true that it is not an exact science. If you go down the route of sex being purely reproductive, it will take years to fix. Have fun having a shag still! But, be aware there are times when your chances are optimized and try to have a few days in the tank for those times.
Speaking of which, IOS apps can be very useful in figuring out when you should time the money shot sex. Even then, there is a 4 day window around the exact moment. I saw couples timing sex to the minute. It does not work that way. In some cases, it can be about having sex a little early to have your guys ready and waiting.
It's all a bit of a blur to me now so some details are sketchy now.
We tried for 12 months before seeking a referral to a fertility clinic, that was preceded by a period of at least 12 months of dropping contraception and taking a if it happens it happens attitude. Our lack of being able to conceive naturally was just put down to unexplained in the end. We went through IVF and were very lucky to get several viable embryos. Our first attempt was successful and resulted in our now 6 year old daughter. We paid to store the embryos and went for a second round of IVF which resulted in our now 3 year old son.
We were very lucky to have 2 successful pregnancies on the first attempt.
Seek professional help. The fact that your wife has gotten pregnant should be encouraging. I can speak from experience that the stress of 'trying' is very real and the failure can bleed into your entire lives. Friends getting pregnant also happens and can feel like a kick in the teeth when you're struggling.
Feel free to drop a PM, would be happy to give further experiences and answer any questions.
Best of luck.
We tried for 12 months before seeking a referral to a fertility clinic, that was preceded by a period of at least 12 months of dropping contraception and taking a if it happens it happens attitude. Our lack of being able to conceive naturally was just put down to unexplained in the end. We went through IVF and were very lucky to get several viable embryos. Our first attempt was successful and resulted in our now 6 year old daughter. We paid to store the embryos and went for a second round of IVF which resulted in our now 3 year old son.
We were very lucky to have 2 successful pregnancies on the first attempt.
Seek professional help. The fact that your wife has gotten pregnant should be encouraging. I can speak from experience that the stress of 'trying' is very real and the failure can bleed into your entire lives. Friends getting pregnant also happens and can feel like a kick in the teeth when you're struggling.
Feel free to drop a PM, would be happy to give further experiences and answer any questions.
Best of luck.
h0b0 said:
Some information I disagree with. First, do not look for reasons that are "causing" the problem. You will end up with blame and resentment. Yes, have a healthy lifestyle in general but do not think drinking is having a significant impact unless you are an alcoholic. Multiple studies have shown alcohol is not a significant factor until extreme levels. Speak with a doctor for real concerns that can be addressed.
Also, while it can be difficult for it not to become routine, do not punish yourselves by not having sex. It is correct to say that you should have a few days built up at the right time, it is also true that it is not an exact science. If you go down the route of sex being purely reproductive, it will take years to fix. Have fun having a shag still! But, be aware there are times when your chances are optimized and try to have a few days in the tank for those times.
Speaking of which, IOS apps can be very useful in figuring out when you should time the money shot sex. Even then, there is a 4 day window around the exact moment. I saw couples timing sex to the minute. It does not work that way. In some cases, it can be about having sex a little early to have your guys ready and waiting.
Hi @hObo,Also, while it can be difficult for it not to become routine, do not punish yourselves by not having sex. It is correct to say that you should have a few days built up at the right time, it is also true that it is not an exact science. If you go down the route of sex being purely reproductive, it will take years to fix. Have fun having a shag still! But, be aware there are times when your chances are optimized and try to have a few days in the tank for those times.
Speaking of which, IOS apps can be very useful in figuring out when you should time the money shot sex. Even then, there is a 4 day window around the exact moment. I saw couples timing sex to the minute. It does not work that way. In some cases, it can be about having sex a little early to have your guys ready and waiting.
Some of the posts on here are truly humbling & have taken honesty from the posters. I’m not trying to apportion blame or cast aspersions.. only to offer some comments right or wrong in what we found for us.
What I would say is..
Healthy living is key to reproduction..
Good wellness and well being will more than assist you in this and then into Parenthood..
I wish all that post here all the best.
Some years ago now. Long story short.
First of all, really feel for you, stressful time.
Many years ago.
Had been trying but no success. Getting to stage where age was soon going to be a factor. Started investigations, got passed pillar to post. Long time between appointments and treatments at various clinics.
Time passing, started to consider adoption but decided the conditions applied there were not for us. You had to sign agreement that if you went into process you would give up all attempts at pregnancy.
Finally got an appointment with university professor who identified what he thought problem was and that an operation would improve chances. He then dropped into the discussion that our delays had been because they had lost our medical notes twice and he would put Mrs F at the top of the list for the procedure which meant waiting about 9 months. Was this something that could be done privately? Yes it was and the waiting time depended on whether you had your slippers and nightclothes with you.
So we paid and there's another story about that but not going there.
Still no luck. So we made a decision to take a certain path in life, accept family might not be for us, adoption also a no. Relaxed and made plans.
Just about to buy a bigger more suited bluewater sailing cruiser and bosh. Shock. She's now 32, daughter not the boat, that never got purchased, another story.
Best of luck, health and happiness whatever the eventuality.
First of all, really feel for you, stressful time.
Many years ago.
Had been trying but no success. Getting to stage where age was soon going to be a factor. Started investigations, got passed pillar to post. Long time between appointments and treatments at various clinics.
Time passing, started to consider adoption but decided the conditions applied there were not for us. You had to sign agreement that if you went into process you would give up all attempts at pregnancy.
Finally got an appointment with university professor who identified what he thought problem was and that an operation would improve chances. He then dropped into the discussion that our delays had been because they had lost our medical notes twice and he would put Mrs F at the top of the list for the procedure which meant waiting about 9 months. Was this something that could be done privately? Yes it was and the waiting time depended on whether you had your slippers and nightclothes with you.
So we paid and there's another story about that but not going there.
Still no luck. So we made a decision to take a certain path in life, accept family might not be for us, adoption also a no. Relaxed and made plans.
Just about to buy a bigger more suited bluewater sailing cruiser and bosh. Shock. She's now 32, daughter not the boat, that never got purchased, another story.
Best of luck, health and happiness whatever the eventuality.
It's a horrible journey and something I wouldn't wish on anybody. We only tried for 2 years and the stress and uncertainty compounded the problem.
I insisted that I saw a consultant as nothing wrong with the wife, (I just got the details of the the top male fertility doctor and they referred, in the end), his advice after checking bloods and balls was diet (as in eat well) and cool your balls.
Aside from this, I think stress is a real killer, but catch 22.
- 1 arrived just after we moved house, lots of moving around, time off work and not thinking about it.
I insisted that I saw a consultant as nothing wrong with the wife, (I just got the details of the the top male fertility doctor and they referred, in the end), his advice after checking bloods and balls was diet (as in eat well) and cool your balls.
Aside from this, I think stress is a real killer, but catch 22.
- 2 came much more quickly, (2 months) all thanks to a few gel packs in the freezer....chilly.
Firstly, sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is horrible, and I feel treated too lightly by the health service. Should give yourselves some space to grieve.
Sounds like your wife is taking it really badly, if you haven't done so, go for some counselling. I can't remember names of service providers, but even if they don't do it an organisation like SAND should at least be able to point you in the right direction.
Mrs Pinkie got pregnant first time without us even trying, miscarriage after about 6 weeks. Didn't specifically try afterwards, but got pregnant about 5-6 months later.
Serious question, your underwear ? If 'briefs/posing pouch/ budgie smugglers' style stop wearing them, go commando, or boxers. Better conditions for sperm production (your nuts will be slightly cooler).
And as others have said, stop trying so hard, you're probably shooting dust towards the end anyway.
And the pressure your wife is putting herself under is probably hindering the ability to conceive, and if conception is successful the stress & anxiety may well increase chance of another miscarriage.
Sounds like your wife is taking it really badly, if you haven't done so, go for some counselling. I can't remember names of service providers, but even if they don't do it an organisation like SAND should at least be able to point you in the right direction.
Mrs Pinkie got pregnant first time without us even trying, miscarriage after about 6 weeks. Didn't specifically try afterwards, but got pregnant about 5-6 months later.
Serious question, your underwear ? If 'briefs/posing pouch/ budgie smugglers' style stop wearing them, go commando, or boxers. Better conditions for sperm production (your nuts will be slightly cooler).
And as others have said, stop trying so hard, you're probably shooting dust towards the end anyway.
And the pressure your wife is putting herself under is probably hindering the ability to conceive, and if conception is successful the stress & anxiety may well increase chance of another miscarriage.
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