Long term relationship effort making

[usn90]

After some advice, am I out of order?

I’ve been with my partner for 11 years, early thirties,it seems over the last few years she’s made less effort in her appearance, some weight gain which I don’t mind, but when we met and for the first few years she took great pride in her hair and makeup and fashion, all of which have taken a back seat, hardly ever wears any makeup and hasn’t stepped foot in the hairdressers for years either.

Is this essentially what happens in long term relationships and am I wrong for even suggesting a revert

Im still attracted to her but I’m missing that wow when I look at her which I used to have, I guess I’d just like to see that version of her every now and then again, after all it’s what first attracted me to her, I love her very much, never gone elsewhere and I still make an effort in my appearance.

Edited by usn90 on Saturday 18th June 11:41

[Biggus thingus]

Make up a reason - job promotion, cash windfall, been too long etc etc

Book a posh meal somewhere nice and a weekend away equally nice - not a static at Skegness

Watch her glam up

If she does'nt, i will and you can take me!

[gazza285]

The older you get, the less you care.

Sounds like she's just maturing faster than you.

[Jamescrs]

Are you still looking after yourself OP and making the effort with your appearance maintaining your weight over the last 11 years etc?

Not having a go but it often happens one party will let themselves go and complain about their partner doing rhe same.

[Dynion Araf Uchaf]

Marry her!

She’ll slim down for the wedding

It’s probably because you’re not married that she’s given up. It’s not rocket science!

[a_dreamer]

At least you know she's probably not cheating on you

[dontlookdown]

No it's not inevitable. She is probably unhappy. After 11 yrs maybe she wants to get hitched;)

[a_dreamer]

If you have been in a relationship for 11 years then surely you are able to openly discuss this with the person. If not, then you have a bigger issue than whether they wear makeup or not.

[fridaypassion]

Have you got kids? Unfortunately this is what a lot if not most of the schoolmums seem to be like. Long gone are the flowing locks and eyeliner replaced by frumpy clothes and a more "manageable " haircut. I'm very lucky in that my Mrs takes a lot of pride in her appearance its probably me that let's the side down there are very few I would say that do keep up the effort long term. It's probably actually quite a rare trait.

Doesn't have to be a bad thing certainly shows she's not on the market for anyone else but God help you broaching it with her they are very sensitive with stuff like this! I once made a comment about an eyebrow and she didn't speak to me for 24 hours! We have been together over 25 years since high school basically I do think it's helped that she's still fit to my eye and for me personally I couldn't do with frumpiness so it's a good job!

[mcelliott]

Sounds like she's bored, so many people invest all their time in relationships that really don't go anywhere, I guess they become comfortable with the idea and can't be bothered to seek real happiness else where, do you really want to spend your life with someone that doesn't make the effort?

[usn90]

We both gained weight over the years although I’m back down to where I was 11 years ago and look more or less the same as I did, it’s not so much the weight I’m as bothered about, it’s the lack of effort in the areas mentioned.

As for the poster who asked why haven’t I brought it up with her, well, I did, and it went down like a lead balloon, I don’t think I made the best job of putting my point across but the atmosphere perhaps wasn’t helping

Cut short she’s happy and settled in life and didn’t see why she had to go through the hassle, but I quite disagree and wanted to get the opinion on others on the matter

Yes we have children also

Edited by usn90 on Saturday 18th June 09:08

[Carbon Sasquatch]

As above - if she suddenly glams up, that's when to worry....

Sounds like she's just comfortable - you need to give her reasons to dress up - then comment about how beautiful she looks. Chose your words - my wife reacts to beautiful far more positively than hot, sexy etc.

Better to go with positive reinforcement than negative comments IMHO.

[vindaloo79]

I received that last night, seems moderately relevant - made me my laugh at least

[fridaypassion]

usn90 said:

We both gained weight over the years although I’m back down to where I was 11 years ago and look more or less the same as I did, it’s not so much the weight I’m as bothered about, it’s the lack of effort in the areas mentioned.

As for the poster who asked why haven’t I brought it up with her, well, I did, and it went down like a lead balloon, I don’t think I made the best job of putting my point across but the atmosphere perhaps wasn’t helping

Cut short she’s happy and settled in life and didn’t see why she had to go through the hassle, but I quite disagree and wanted to get the opinion on others on the matter

Yes we have children also

Edited by usn90 on Saturday 18th June 09:08

You're a braver man than me!

Its a tough one really as I say I think this is the default for mums. I would guess if theres a function or event she'll break out the revlon and make an effort? Whats her mum like? My MIL is a properly glam 70 year old she's ace she thinks she's 35 and dresses very well for a 70 year old (classy I'm not saying mini skirts!) Thats obviously where my Mrs gets it from. We have had 3 kids including twins so no way the Mrs could be expected to maintain her size 8 frame she had until her late 20s she was a complete smoker when she was younger model scouted the full works but she does put effort in and I appreciate it. We must be doing something right with so long together and I never have had eyes for anyone else.

If its not engrained in your Mrs could it end in tears? could you have your head turned?

[PBDirector]

I’ve concluded that the best thing to do in such a situation is to focus on yourself. Get fit and healthy, organise activities for yourself and you both. The reason for this is that hopefully your partner joins in and everything gets fixed, or worst case scenario you’re box fresh and energetic for when you jack it in and go rail some inappropriately-aged girlfriends.

[Sporky]

usn90 said:

Cut short she’s happy and settled in life and didn’t see why she had to go through the hassle

I don't know either of you, but it could just be that she is entirely comfortable with you (in the good sense) and feels she can be herself. Perhaps getting glammed up (for want of a better expression) wasn't that natural for her.

I don't mean to dismiss your feelings, mind.

[Brainpox]

Do you ever do anything outside of your normal weekly routine which normally requires people to make an effort? Posh dinner, a show, etc. If you're mainly doing mundane stuff, school run, food shopping, trip into town, visiting family etc then after 10 years she's probably bored of spending time getting ready for these things and would rather spend the time doing something else?

[soad]

a_dreamer said:

At least you know she's probably not cheating on you

Probably is a big word.

[Collectingbrass]

usn90 said:

Yes we have children also

Are you making her feel supported, loved and wanted? Are you doing 50% of the effort in the home, not just physical but the mental too - e.g. who remembers & organises for her dad / your mum's birthdays?

[fridaypassion]

You have to work on it for sure. We have had our slight ups and downs nothing serious mainly just life stuff external pressures as it were but I think you have to work as a team make sure you are pulling in the same direction. Stuck in a rut springs to mind and thats an easy thing to slip into when you have kids as the routine can be grinding you have so little energy left much of the time. One thing we have done which I don't think all couples do is occasionally abandon the kids and go for a night away even a short holiday we have been lucky to escape on those trips were very good for us. The elders are knocking on a bit now to be thrusting the kids onto but that time out was really refreshing for us as a couple.

Maybe try and carve out some adult time it's not selfish its important just to remember who you are outside of being parents and get a bit of enjoyment out of life. Unfortunately I think this excitement/titivation is what some people end up straying away from the marriage to get.