Getting over a last trauma

[dmahon]

“Past” drama, not “last” sorry, and not as dramatic as the title sounds, but couldn’t think of a better way to word it.

As I get older, I meet more people who have had bad things happen to them.

A couple of divorcees, a business loss, a brush with the law etc.

When I talk to these guys, it’s like they are carrying it around with them. Some combination of bitterness, lost confidence, missing out on new opportunities. Always referring to the snake with tits or the business deal gone bad etc.

Looking on the outside, I always thought it was a bit sad. The past is the past, so move on.

Then recently I clicked that I’ve been behaving in the same way. I had something happen 5 years ago, not quite on the scale of the life events above, but I still feel like I carry it around like a ball and chain. My confidence isn’t what it was and I’m avoiding stuff for fear of ending up back in the similar situation. I’ve definetly lost a bit of spark and lust for life and it all goes back to this one time.

It might be easier if I described it here, but a bit worried about doxxing myself. Need to start a new account.

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or experiences about how you put this stuff to bed once and for all and properly move on?

[ShampooEfficient]

Counselling.

[grumbledoak]

Forgiveness.

[BabySharkDooDooDooDooDooDoo]

Personally I don’t let the past ruin my future. Of course it has influence on decisions and how I react to things, but I put it to the back of my mind as something that I’ve learned from rather than something that has dictated who I am.

Hard to explain, hope it makes sense.

[popeyewhite]

dmahon said:

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or experiences about how you put this stuff to bed once and for all and properly move on?

You don't "put this stuff to bed", no one ever does. There's no real closure for anything, the trick is learning to live with something. To do that, you have to accept it. Woke parlance is 'own it'. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the reality. Good luck.

[twohoursfromlondon]

If someone is “carrying a burden” as you describe, it’s because there’s something from the past which needs addressing, in order to be able to move on from it.

There are many ways to do so, but in my view a talking therapy is the best place to start.

[Hoofy]

A trauma-informed therapist is a good start.

[Badda]

Seek out some podcasts by Mo Gawdat. A true happiness expert.

[Stuart70]

Badda said:

Seek out some podcasts by Mo Gawdat. A true happiness expert.

Really disliked MG. Came across as a self absorbed, selfish arse. May just be me.

[Fckitdriveon]

Well done for speaking up -

I d wager no one gets beyond 10 years old without some kind of trauma in their lives.

Perhaps Some counselling to help you understand and frame what happened differently and allow you to move on.

Also you could do some work around Gratitude for what you do have which (presumably) is a life of abundance .

[Sheepshanks]

popeyewhite said:

dmahon said:

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or experiences about how you put this stuff to bed once and for all and properly move on?

You don't "put this stuff to bed", no one ever does. There's no real closure for anything, the trick is learning to live with something. To do that, you have to accept it. Woke parlance is 'own it'. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the reality. Good luck.

I recall hearing a very senior judge being interviewed on his retirement and he was asked if he ever looked back on cases and wondered if he’d got it right. He seemed confused by the question - he said you decide a case then move on to the next one.

I find that hard to believe when he’d be handing the most serious of cases. Right now I’m furious with myself as our extension build draws to a close as it’s become obvious that I should have designed one part of it differently. My wife says “well you didn’t, and it’s done now, so forget it”.

[anonymous-user]

Sheepshanks said:

popeyewhite said:

dmahon said:

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or experiences about how you put this stuff to bed once and for all and properly move on?

You don't "put this stuff to bed", no one ever does. There's no real closure for anything, the trick is learning to live with something. To do that, you have to accept it. Woke parlance is 'own it'. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the reality. Good luck.

I recall hearing a very senior judge being interviewed on his retirement and he was asked if he ever looked back on cases and wondered if he’d got it right. He seemed confused by the question - he said you decide a case then move on to the next one.

I find that hard to believe when he’d be handing the most serious of cases. Right now I’m furious with myself as our extension build draws to a close as it’s become obvious that I should have designed one part of it differently. My wife says “well you didn’t, and it’s done now, so forget it”.

Your wife is right. If you have deep pockets then you can change it but your wife is still right.