10 year old boy problems
Discussion
A friend of mine is at her wits end,she has a (just turned) 13yo girl who is a usual teen but generally a very good egg, her 10yo son however is a problem child,he has been burning stuff in the bathroom (she found a melted tictac box in the bin plus scorch marks on a towel),he has also been stealing money! he would take a few coppers from the change pot they have thinking no one would notice,problem was he kept taking until the pot was almost empty,hehas also been stealing money from her purse with it usually being pound coins and anywhere from a couple of pound up to 10, she got herself a lockvox to keep any lighters in out of his reach plus any cashthat she doesn't want to keep in her purse,las week however he sneaked into her bedroom and quietly hunted around for the key to the lockbox and managed to find it, he then opened the box stole £50 (2x£20's + 2 £5's) relocked the box and ut the key back where he found it,this only came to light as he later (next day) offered his sister £5 if she lent him something, she told her mum he had cash and once ressed he fessed up to taking it, he has also been stealing food from his classmates lunch bags and eating it ( he always takes plenty of food to school so isn't hungry)
Any of you in here with kids been through or having similar poblems offer any help?
Any of you in here with kids been through or having similar poblems offer any help?
Ahem, allow me:
A friend of mine is at her wits end. She has a (just turned) 13yo girl who is a usual teen but generally a very good egg.
Her 10yo son however is a problem child - he has been burning stuff in the bathroom (she found a melted tictac box in the bin plus scorch marks on a towel), he has also been stealing money!
He would take a few coppers from the change pot they have thinking no one would notice. Problem was he kept taking until the pot was almost empty!
He has also been stealing money from her purse with it usually being pound coins and anywhere from a couple of pound up to 10
She got herself a lockbox to keep any lighters in out of his reach plus any cash that she doesn't want to keep in her purse. Last week however he sneaked into her bedroom and quietly hunted around for the key to the lockbox and managed to find it.
He then opened the box stole £50 (2x£20's + 2 £5's) relocked the box and put the key back where he found it.
This only came to light as he later (next day) offered his sister £5 if she lent him something; she told her mum he had cash and once pressed he fessed up to taking it.
He has also been stealing food from his classmates lunch bags and eating it (he always takes plenty of food to school so isn't hungry)
Any of you in here with kids been through or having similar poblems offer any help?
A friend of mine is at her wits end. She has a (just turned) 13yo girl who is a usual teen but generally a very good egg.
Her 10yo son however is a problem child - he has been burning stuff in the bathroom (she found a melted tictac box in the bin plus scorch marks on a towel), he has also been stealing money!
He would take a few coppers from the change pot they have thinking no one would notice. Problem was he kept taking until the pot was almost empty!
He has also been stealing money from her purse with it usually being pound coins and anywhere from a couple of pound up to 10
She got herself a lockbox to keep any lighters in out of his reach plus any cash that she doesn't want to keep in her purse. Last week however he sneaked into her bedroom and quietly hunted around for the key to the lockbox and managed to find it.
He then opened the box stole £50 (2x£20's + 2 £5's) relocked the box and put the key back where he found it.
This only came to light as he later (next day) offered his sister £5 if she lent him something; she told her mum he had cash and once pressed he fessed up to taking it.
He has also been stealing food from his classmates lunch bags and eating it (he always takes plenty of food to school so isn't hungry)
Any of you in here with kids been through or having similar poblems offer any help?
I have a 13 year old and 10 year old son.
Firstly there would be (another) complete ban on TV, PS4, Computers etc.
Then there would be grounding.
Then there would be general making his life miserable.
I'm assuming all this has been done, tightly and consistently for several weeks already?
Firstly there would be (another) complete ban on TV, PS4, Computers etc.
Then there would be grounding.
Then there would be general making his life miserable.
I'm assuming all this has been done, tightly and consistently for several weeks already?
It depends on the kid. And while punishments and restrictions work for lots of kids, they have the opposite effect on others. Be careful that strictness doesn’t make it a whole load worse.
We tend to follow the “kids do well if they can” approach advocated by dr ross greene and rather than punish the behaviour, you need to paddle upstream and figure out what the unsolved expectation / problem is and fix that.
This is done by creating a safe space (mentally) for the kid to be able to share what the actual problem is and to collaboratively problem solve for it.
I know it all sounds somewhat kooky but it is quite enlightening when it works.
In our case we use this model for an autistic 9 year old rather than a thieving 10 year old. But if you can make the lens change to see things from Dr Greenes point of view, it is life changing. (And works with adults and work relationships too)
We tend to follow the “kids do well if they can” approach advocated by dr ross greene and rather than punish the behaviour, you need to paddle upstream and figure out what the unsolved expectation / problem is and fix that.
This is done by creating a safe space (mentally) for the kid to be able to share what the actual problem is and to collaboratively problem solve for it.
I know it all sounds somewhat kooky but it is quite enlightening when it works.
In our case we use this model for an autistic 9 year old rather than a thieving 10 year old. But if you can make the lens change to see things from Dr Greenes point of view, it is life changing. (And works with adults and work relationships too)
Edited by fat80b on Wednesday 23 March 19:40
No changes to home life, mum has been with her partner for around 5 years and the childrens dad has had nothing to do with them for the past 7/8 years.
He acts out at school and gets a lot of detention or 'working alone' time or whatever it is they call it, removing anything fun like his tv etc has been tried and makes no difference as he seems to just shrug it off and play up more.
Only thing I can think of that is different is his older sister, she is going through some changes with her hormones and her body so wants her private space without him pestering her she is also spending more time out of home with her friends , mum has put a lock on daughter's bedroom door to give her privacy as the boy just doesn't listen or take any notice when told to leave her alone and stay out of her bedroom, before the lock went on daughter would block the door by opening the drawers on the chest that was behind it preventing the door from opening more than a few inches, the boy wanted in so ran at the door causing everything on top of her chest of drawers to go flying.
School have said to mum he could possibly have ADHD so i think mum is speaking with doctor to have him tested.
He acts out at school and gets a lot of detention or 'working alone' time or whatever it is they call it, removing anything fun like his tv etc has been tried and makes no difference as he seems to just shrug it off and play up more.
Only thing I can think of that is different is his older sister, she is going through some changes with her hormones and her body so wants her private space without him pestering her she is also spending more time out of home with her friends , mum has put a lock on daughter's bedroom door to give her privacy as the boy just doesn't listen or take any notice when told to leave her alone and stay out of her bedroom, before the lock went on daughter would block the door by opening the drawers on the chest that was behind it preventing the door from opening more than a few inches, the boy wanted in so ran at the door causing everything on top of her chest of drawers to go flying.
School have said to mum he could possibly have ADHD so i think mum is speaking with doctor to have him tested.
fat80b said:
It depends on the kid. And while punishments and restrictions work for lots of kids, they have the opposite effect on others. Be careful that strictness doesn’t make it a whole load worse.
We tend to follow the “kids do well if they can” approach advocated by dr ross greene and rather than punish the behaviour, you need to paddle upstream and figure out what the unsolved expectation / problem is and fix that.
This is done by creating a safe space (mentally) for the kid to be able to share what the actual problem is and to collaboratively problem solve for it.
I know it all sounds somewhat kooky but it is quite enlightening when it works.
In our case we use this model for an autistic 9 year old rather than a thieving 10 year old. But if you can make the lens change to see things from Dr Greenes point of view, it is life changing. (And works with adults and work relationships too)
I would take this approach. There is likely to be some sort of need going unaddressed. Likely contender for me based on stealing and destructive behaviour would be low self-esteem and a desire to exercise control. Perhaps the lack of input from his real dad is starting to dawn on him and make him question his value? We tend to follow the “kids do well if they can” approach advocated by dr ross greene and rather than punish the behaviour, you need to paddle upstream and figure out what the unsolved expectation / problem is and fix that.
This is done by creating a safe space (mentally) for the kid to be able to share what the actual problem is and to collaboratively problem solve for it.
I know it all sounds somewhat kooky but it is quite enlightening when it works.
In our case we use this model for an autistic 9 year old rather than a thieving 10 year old. But if you can make the lens change to see things from Dr Greenes point of view, it is life changing. (And works with adults and work relationships too)
Edited by fat80b on Wednesday 23 March 19:40
I expect he won't be able to articulate the issue at his age but I would be looking at giving him a clearly structured and proportionate punishment, but at the same time, ensuring that he knows he has support with whatever's troubling him.
Does he have much in the way of hobbies / interests - getting him into a team based sport would go a long way to building up self-esteem and confidence. Ditto quality family time.
Terminator X said:
If you do this again that will happen. If it does then do it. Most parents make silly threats then just let it slide which encourages the kids to just carry on as they have no consequences in life.
TX.
Well you have to be careful using the fear response to get compliance.TX.
Rewarding positive behaviour is better.
It sounds just like my family.
We made excuse for many years,he was just being a lad,just being boisterous etc.
The signs were there,walking at 10 months,riding a bike without stabalisers at 3,he was advanced at all markers.
At puberty,everything changed,he just went haywire with no explanation.
Get him tested for disorders,it isn’t always bad behavior,it could be tell tales of other potential problems.
We made excuse for many years,he was just being a lad,just being boisterous etc.
The signs were there,walking at 10 months,riding a bike without stabalisers at 3,he was advanced at all markers.
At puberty,everything changed,he just went haywire with no explanation.
Get him tested for disorders,it isn’t always bad behavior,it could be tell tales of other potential problems.
smifffymoto said:
It sounds just like my family.
We made excuse for many years,he was just being a lad,just being boisterous etc.
The signs were there,walking at 10 months,riding a bike without stabalisers at 3,he was advanced at all markers.
At puberty,everything changed,he just went haywire with no explanation.
I was going to say, I'm 34 now, but I did all of those things as a child. We made excuse for many years,he was just being a lad,just being boisterous etc.
The signs were there,walking at 10 months,riding a bike without stabalisers at 3,he was advanced at all markers.
At puberty,everything changed,he just went haywire with no explanation.
If you where being blunt, simplistic, and happy to make strongly gendered statements. Sounds to me like boys being boys!
Personally I found it fascinating that if you heated candle wax on a teaspoon above another candle, with time it would spontaneously combust even without the flame touching it. Amazing! Maybe he is due to be an scientist or engineer. Excellent.
Equally, the value of money, and the human expectations of what is it isn't acceptable behaviour are complicated, and pushing the boundaries is perfectly normal for anyone let alone a child! Hell, 6months into this new job I'm still working out just how late I can arrive without people complaining. Not lazy, I work hard and often stop as late as I arrive, just curious and if I am honest, a bit disorganised!
As said, has to be framed as problem behaviour not a problem child, but also while it's maybe not long term sustainable he isn't putting through shop windows or setting fire to the school bus.
Rather than confiscating the lighters, why not have an adult conversation about how cool and fun fire is, but how devastating a house fire would be. He doesn't want to burn his bedroom down, he just wants to see how a lighter can be used to deform a ticktac box. This absolutely ok. Just better done over the kitchen sink, or outside if they have a garden or yard. Is there an opportunity to have a small bonfire or campfire? Maybe a youtube video of how quickly a cigarette dropped on a sofa can get out of hand? This would also test for the possibility it's is attending seeking due to under stimulation, maybe because he now has less time with his sister which the parent have not or are not easily able to back fill for.
Ditto a conversation about how mummy uses that jar/box to keep HER money in, and how would he feel if she has taken HIS hard earned/saved money. Assuming he gets some pocket money and has been bought up with an understanding of the value of the cash. Ditto stealing others food, if he likes food, I'm sure he would be gutted if someone took his and just hasn't thought about how it feels for others.
I remember at about that age the tip of my soldering iron falling off for some reason, and it landing on the carpet rather than the heatproof matt I was working on or rolling on to the carpet or something. Don't know how it fell off, and I moved it to the mat super fast, but I remember be slightly paranoid that is would smoulder under the carpet, so put a lot of water on it and watched it for a good while to make sure it was ok! Carpet was a wool blend, so fortunate damage was minimal, it's not been changed 25years on and you cant see it.
As we have just welcomed our first child into the world I have recently 'read' a book called "The Danish Way of Parenting" which once get over the American accent is fantastic and likely eye opening to many. Available on audiable.
smifffymoto said:
Get him tested for disorders,it isn’t always bad behavior,it could be tell tales of other potential problems.
After all said in my above reply, it's also slightly interesting that the above poster then mentions the possibility he might also have symptoms of a behavioural condition. At I have a formal diagnosis of 'PDD-NOS' with mentions of traits similar to Asperger's, and also unmentioned but clear traits inline with ADHD symptoms. Again, I would strongly urge this is a condition, an explanation of how they are and how to interact, rather than a problem or issue, and it's huge multifaceted spectrum and one which awareness and understanding is a huge part.
The current education system, and certainly norms of society, with a drive to be within a certain and fairly tight bound, make life harder for those who don't easy fit with that, but that only really means everyone else needs to be more understanding and accepting.
Diagnosis is much higher in boys than girls, but the understanding here is that this is actually only because current society pressures means girls, women, work harder to mask symptoms to garner acceptance. It also has strong genetics, often detectable in both parents (they had enough in common to start relationship after all). So that learnt might help with the daughter and or parents too!
Sorry I have these disorders. I don't think he's on the spectrum. It's parenting. Apologies but some children need parenting more than others. Buy some books.
We are too ready to fit a child's behaviour into a disorder nowadays.
Then it's medication and oh it's not my fault.
Parenting is hard work, it takes time, constant intervention and time...
Yet in todays society we expect everything is set up. Ready. So if our child isn't 100% we think it's not their fault but it's also not our fault.
We are too ready to fit a child's behaviour into a disorder nowadays.
Then it's medication and oh it's not my fault.
Parenting is hard work, it takes time, constant intervention and time...
Yet in todays society we expect everything is set up. Ready. So if our child isn't 100% we think it's not their fault but it's also not our fault.
Edited by Hugo Stiglitz on Friday 25th March 08:58
Hugo Stiglitz said:
Sorry I have these disorders. I don't think he's on the spectrum. It's parenting. Apologies but some children need parenting more than others. Buy some books.
We are too ready to fit a child's behaviour into a disorder nowadays.
Then it's medication and oh it's not my fault.
Parenting is hard work, it takes time, constant intervention and time...
Yet in todays society we expect everything is set up. Ready. So if our child isn't 100% we think it's not their fault but it's also not our fault.
The problem with that attitude is parents leave it far to late to do anything whilst the child can be coerced to the ways off the parent regarding testing and appointments etc.We are too ready to fit a child's behaviour into a disorder nowadays.
Then it's medication and oh it's not my fault.
Parenting is hard work, it takes time, constant intervention and time...
Yet in todays society we expect everything is set up. Ready. So if our child isn't 100% we think it's not their fault but it's also not our fault.
Edited by Hugo Stiglitz on Friday 25th March 08:58
The other difficulty is accepting the illness and admitting your child isn’t perfect.
Absolutely also all of this. There is obviously a huge balance, a cost to everything.
Even with paperwork at ten, a lot of it also just fell to my parents to look after their child, just as they would have parented any other child needing plenty of guidance.
I am by far and away not an expert.
- Plenty who could get paperwork would also do ok without, with good parenting.
- Plenty who have nothing to warrant paperwork need more parenting that others
- Plenty who have undiagnosed conditions do fine throughout their whole life.
- BUT, there are also plenty who struggle hugely and would have some of that burden lifted with an explanation and understanding.
Even with paperwork at ten, a lot of it also just fell to my parents to look after their child, just as they would have parented any other child needing plenty of guidance.
I am by far and away not an expert.
- Plenty who could get paperwork would also do ok without, with good parenting.
- Plenty who have nothing to warrant paperwork need more parenting that others
- Plenty who have undiagnosed conditions do fine throughout their whole life.
- BUT, there are also plenty who struggle hugely and would have some of that burden lifted with an explanation and understanding.
CountVacillate said:
I would say it’s easy to pigeonhole a child like this as a ‘wrong-un’
I saw a Conan film where they made a sword in a forge so I found a scrap of metal and heated it in the fire in the lounge! In an attempt to make my own and shape the metal. I dropped it and it burnt heavily into the rug and carpet. My mother found out and went crazy, she actually hit me with a walking stick on my back. I still have horizontal scars on my spine from that day.
My parents took me to be ‘looked at’ it turned out I didn’t have a problem per se, in fact I was a high functioning child that just didn’t have much connection with his parents and no siblings, hence why these things occurred.
I needed to have things to do, my dad bought me a classic mini at 12 years old and a large book by David Vixard regarding tuning the A Series engine.
By 13 I’d rebuilt the engine, added a high lift cam, fitted straight cut drop gears, hand polished and lightened the conrods and was porting and polishing cylinder heads.
I just needed something to focus my mind, school work at the time wasn’t interesting in the slightest to me
Love that. And I know plenty of people with similar life stories. I saw a Conan film where they made a sword in a forge so I found a scrap of metal and heated it in the fire in the lounge! In an attempt to make my own and shape the metal. I dropped it and it burnt heavily into the rug and carpet. My mother found out and went crazy, she actually hit me with a walking stick on my back. I still have horizontal scars on my spine from that day.
My parents took me to be ‘looked at’ it turned out I didn’t have a problem per se, in fact I was a high functioning child that just didn’t have much connection with his parents and no siblings, hence why these things occurred.
I needed to have things to do, my dad bought me a classic mini at 12 years old and a large book by David Vixard regarding tuning the A Series engine.
By 13 I’d rebuilt the engine, added a high lift cam, fitted straight cut drop gears, hand polished and lightened the conrods and was porting and polishing cylinder heads.
I just needed something to focus my mind, school work at the time wasn’t interesting in the slightest to me
As you say, people need things to do to keep them interested and motivated, kids and adults alike.
If you are practical, or particularly bright, its is sadly very common for main stream education to miss the mark significantly.
I spent a lot of time at school out of class, reading in the chair store, watching the caretaker work, still cant do my times tables or learn the difference between there, their and they're in my 20s. But also got a masters degree in engineering and now hold down a senior design role, which alarmly given I cant stay on track having a conversation, even includes project management, where my trying is better than most people who appear not to be!
At about that age I wired my parents two story garage and workshop, including teaching my cousin of about the same age to labour for me when she came over for a few days. While still kids, ten - twelve year older are remarkable capable.
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