Partner takes her life hours after we separate
Discussion
Firstly, I’m not here for sympathy. I’m hoping this will help me process by putting in to words.
I was going to use a different name but out of respect for her, I’ll use hers. My partner was/is called Mel and she was probably the funniest girl I’ve ever met. She took no crap from me (in a jovial way), was attractive and was extremely respected in her field of work in the NHS.
After several bottles of wine, she hanged herself at around 2:30am, Monday 7th March aged 44. As you can imagine, I’m mostly in shock and although I knew we were not meant to dial in to the sunset together, I cared for her deeply. We had been together 7 months.
A bit of a back story:
Mel has had a history of mental illness. She has a panic disorder and is susceptible to low moods. She was on a high dose of SSRI, in the last week increased to the maximum of 200mg from 150mg. She had a history of benzo addiction and more debilitating (to my eyes) alcohol addiction. When drinking wine especially, her personality became aggressive and not the girl I have feelings for.
She has had a lot of heartache, mostly when she was younger. Serious assault in which her partner tried to kill her and kept her against her will. I don’t want to go too much further but suffice to say she’d been affected by other physical, which meant she used the above as coping mechanisms.
She doesn’t/didn’t cope with change well and after over a decade, she needed to leave the place she called home.
Whilst we’re very similar (too similar) in terms of suffering from anxiety and recognizing how debilitating it can be, we both knew deep down we weren’t compatible . For example, we often discussed the fact we couldn’t live together or buy a house as we’d get on each other’s nerves. There’s quirks we both have, probably as another coping mechanism relating to the anxiety. OCD etc.
As above, whilst I cared for her, perhaps it was too soon to meet and fully commit to her as I’d recently come out of a 10 year relationship. In her heart she knew I was holding back and we discussed that she should be someone that can give her everything she deserves and more.
Three weeks or so ago, we discussed separating. She needed to be taken to the local hospital and sedated. I have quite a bit on my shoulders so knew at this point that whilst I’d be there for her 100%, the romantic element was reducing. She had not self harmed for 26 years and only ever did it when under the influence of drink.
I can’t recall the trigger but around 7-10 days ago we again discussed going our separate ways. As far as her shouting do you want to be with me yes/no. She knows my view on her drinking, however she used the poison (to her) that is white wine, as a coping mechanism and she turned up at my door at 02:30 with blood pouring down her arm with a large cut on her wrist. I asked what she’d done but couldn’t get much of a response. She barged past me and left.
She then (thankfully) drove to A&E and as the cut was so deep, she needed surgery in a day or so. She was mortified as she knew the A&E staff and latterly the ward staff when she had the op and went to the ward to recover.
I told her that all that was important now was getting better, looking after #1 and she completely recognised the problem that white wine provides to her. She promised never to touch it again (we both knew she would continue to drink, albeit larger. To her absolute credit, she’d cut down a lot on drinking and described herself as a functioning alcoholic as she could maintain her job, house was always clean, as her appearance.
She spoke to me and reiterated the conversation where we/I decided to part ways. I said I felt that was still the case but I was here for her 110%, wanted to remain friends and said to her I don’t want to discuss her and I again. As clearly she was in a dark place and I wasn’t going to add to that by stone cold saying we’re over and I’m off.
We text/phoned daily as we have since the day we met. This brings us up to last week. It was my sons birthday and she wanted to join us for pizza. I said not to as I was only popping over to his house to collect from his mums and sort him then return home. He likes Mel but he has complex needs alongside ASD so i knew he wanted me for his undivided attention. We also went to the theatre in London to watch Back to the Future. The tickets were costly and there were not three in a row. This was last Saturday. She was going to come over but in the end declined as the antibiotics were giving her jip.
On Sunday we arranged she’d cook a roast and I’d go over after dropping my son off. Reluctantly we got in to a conversation about her and I.
Ultimately, despite not wanting to discuss it, we did. I reiterated the need for her to get better, remain friends and not to worry as I’m here for her. I suggested meeting every Sunday eve for badminton. She got upset, said she can’t be friends as she loves me.
Over the next few hours I received texts saying she hated me for what I’ve done and that she was crying her eyes out. She text just before I went to bed 10’ish saying she could do with that cuddle that I offered her when I’d come over for the roast dinner. I said I couldn’t as in bed. I asked if she was joking as I genuinely couldn’t tell - she said she was.
She phoned and we spoke for a few minutes, I could tell she had b en drinking but denied it.
She phoned near midnight asking me if I could go over to hers (45 mins away). I said no.
At 02:38 she sent her final message to me ‘Bye x’.
The Monday was the first time we hadn’t spoken. Given she was used yo being emotional if she drank, I thought nothing of it and she was giving the new idea of separation a go. Her mum text in the afternoon, asking if I was ok. I assumed she’d spoken to her mum and informed us of our separation. I replied saying I’m glad she has a loving Close family to support her and that I hadn’t heard from her that day but in any event I wanted to be friends and support her.
Her mum asked me to phone and she told me her landlord found her, she’d hanged herself.
On the Tuesday, I went to the ward where she worked. Whether it was because I wanted to be ‘close’ to her I don’t know. Her line manager didn’t know and was upset.
I then went to her house, again perhaps to feel closer to her. Mainly it was because of her cat that she loved dearly. He only likes Mel and I. Unfortunately due to me starting a new job involving being away 5 days of the week, I can’t take him on. Regretfully the RSPCA will need to step in. Such a shame. Her mum was there trying to make sense of the house and start to clear items. This was the first time I was able to hug/hold someone and I let a lot go on her shoulder and we held each other for several minutes.
I could see at least two bottles of wine in the lounge as well as at least one can. She’d obviously hit the bottle and decided she couldn’t cope any longer. She leaves behind a teenage son which she adored.
If you’ve made it this far, I salute you. What I have problems with is the following (I’m acutely aware how precarious my own mental health is so I’m trying to not less this consume me, although it is trying its best):
1. I miss her, we’ve gone from speaking everyday to nothing. Can someone explain why I feel the need to phone her mum? And should I? She’s been lovely and said it’s no ones fault, anyone that Mel loved, she loves and that I have a new family now. I have no real reason to phone her, other than being a part of Mel.
2. The guilt I feel is unsurpassed. If I’d gone round when she asked for a hug, she’d still be here - no doubt. If I went round at midnight when she phoned, she’d still be here. Again no doubt. Friends and family tell me I’m not to blame but how can I not be?
Yes she has history of mental illness and if it wasn’t me she ended it with, perhaps it would be the next partner. One friend said perhaps I prolonged her life.
3. Mel bought me socks etc that I’m presently wearing. It’s hard to have this as a reminder. Should I remove all effects of reminders? Would she want that?
4. Whilst on the whole we had a good relationship, part of her texts (when drunk on the night of her death) she said she felt crap for a lot of the relationship, or rather I made her feel that way. Again, a element of guilt.
The two elements not sinking me immediately to the ground are:
1. It’s not normal to take your own life if you separate from someone.
2. She probably didn’t know what she was doing due to drink and her thoughts/mind clouded.
Genuinely appreciate anyone who spent the time to read this. I’ve shed several tears whist doing so.
Rest In Peace, Mel. I’m so sorry x
I was going to use a different name but out of respect for her, I’ll use hers. My partner was/is called Mel and she was probably the funniest girl I’ve ever met. She took no crap from me (in a jovial way), was attractive and was extremely respected in her field of work in the NHS.
After several bottles of wine, she hanged herself at around 2:30am, Monday 7th March aged 44. As you can imagine, I’m mostly in shock and although I knew we were not meant to dial in to the sunset together, I cared for her deeply. We had been together 7 months.
A bit of a back story:
Mel has had a history of mental illness. She has a panic disorder and is susceptible to low moods. She was on a high dose of SSRI, in the last week increased to the maximum of 200mg from 150mg. She had a history of benzo addiction and more debilitating (to my eyes) alcohol addiction. When drinking wine especially, her personality became aggressive and not the girl I have feelings for.
She has had a lot of heartache, mostly when she was younger. Serious assault in which her partner tried to kill her and kept her against her will. I don’t want to go too much further but suffice to say she’d been affected by other physical, which meant she used the above as coping mechanisms.
She doesn’t/didn’t cope with change well and after over a decade, she needed to leave the place she called home.
Whilst we’re very similar (too similar) in terms of suffering from anxiety and recognizing how debilitating it can be, we both knew deep down we weren’t compatible . For example, we often discussed the fact we couldn’t live together or buy a house as we’d get on each other’s nerves. There’s quirks we both have, probably as another coping mechanism relating to the anxiety. OCD etc.
As above, whilst I cared for her, perhaps it was too soon to meet and fully commit to her as I’d recently come out of a 10 year relationship. In her heart she knew I was holding back and we discussed that she should be someone that can give her everything she deserves and more.
Three weeks or so ago, we discussed separating. She needed to be taken to the local hospital and sedated. I have quite a bit on my shoulders so knew at this point that whilst I’d be there for her 100%, the romantic element was reducing. She had not self harmed for 26 years and only ever did it when under the influence of drink.
I can’t recall the trigger but around 7-10 days ago we again discussed going our separate ways. As far as her shouting do you want to be with me yes/no. She knows my view on her drinking, however she used the poison (to her) that is white wine, as a coping mechanism and she turned up at my door at 02:30 with blood pouring down her arm with a large cut on her wrist. I asked what she’d done but couldn’t get much of a response. She barged past me and left.
She then (thankfully) drove to A&E and as the cut was so deep, she needed surgery in a day or so. She was mortified as she knew the A&E staff and latterly the ward staff when she had the op and went to the ward to recover.
I told her that all that was important now was getting better, looking after #1 and she completely recognised the problem that white wine provides to her. She promised never to touch it again (we both knew she would continue to drink, albeit larger. To her absolute credit, she’d cut down a lot on drinking and described herself as a functioning alcoholic as she could maintain her job, house was always clean, as her appearance.
She spoke to me and reiterated the conversation where we/I decided to part ways. I said I felt that was still the case but I was here for her 110%, wanted to remain friends and said to her I don’t want to discuss her and I again. As clearly she was in a dark place and I wasn’t going to add to that by stone cold saying we’re over and I’m off.
We text/phoned daily as we have since the day we met. This brings us up to last week. It was my sons birthday and she wanted to join us for pizza. I said not to as I was only popping over to his house to collect from his mums and sort him then return home. He likes Mel but he has complex needs alongside ASD so i knew he wanted me for his undivided attention. We also went to the theatre in London to watch Back to the Future. The tickets were costly and there were not three in a row. This was last Saturday. She was going to come over but in the end declined as the antibiotics were giving her jip.
On Sunday we arranged she’d cook a roast and I’d go over after dropping my son off. Reluctantly we got in to a conversation about her and I.
Ultimately, despite not wanting to discuss it, we did. I reiterated the need for her to get better, remain friends and not to worry as I’m here for her. I suggested meeting every Sunday eve for badminton. She got upset, said she can’t be friends as she loves me.
Over the next few hours I received texts saying she hated me for what I’ve done and that she was crying her eyes out. She text just before I went to bed 10’ish saying she could do with that cuddle that I offered her when I’d come over for the roast dinner. I said I couldn’t as in bed. I asked if she was joking as I genuinely couldn’t tell - she said she was.
She phoned and we spoke for a few minutes, I could tell she had b en drinking but denied it.
She phoned near midnight asking me if I could go over to hers (45 mins away). I said no.
At 02:38 she sent her final message to me ‘Bye x’.
The Monday was the first time we hadn’t spoken. Given she was used yo being emotional if she drank, I thought nothing of it and she was giving the new idea of separation a go. Her mum text in the afternoon, asking if I was ok. I assumed she’d spoken to her mum and informed us of our separation. I replied saying I’m glad she has a loving Close family to support her and that I hadn’t heard from her that day but in any event I wanted to be friends and support her.
Her mum asked me to phone and she told me her landlord found her, she’d hanged herself.
On the Tuesday, I went to the ward where she worked. Whether it was because I wanted to be ‘close’ to her I don’t know. Her line manager didn’t know and was upset.
I then went to her house, again perhaps to feel closer to her. Mainly it was because of her cat that she loved dearly. He only likes Mel and I. Unfortunately due to me starting a new job involving being away 5 days of the week, I can’t take him on. Regretfully the RSPCA will need to step in. Such a shame. Her mum was there trying to make sense of the house and start to clear items. This was the first time I was able to hug/hold someone and I let a lot go on her shoulder and we held each other for several minutes.
I could see at least two bottles of wine in the lounge as well as at least one can. She’d obviously hit the bottle and decided she couldn’t cope any longer. She leaves behind a teenage son which she adored.
If you’ve made it this far, I salute you. What I have problems with is the following (I’m acutely aware how precarious my own mental health is so I’m trying to not less this consume me, although it is trying its best):
1. I miss her, we’ve gone from speaking everyday to nothing. Can someone explain why I feel the need to phone her mum? And should I? She’s been lovely and said it’s no ones fault, anyone that Mel loved, she loves and that I have a new family now. I have no real reason to phone her, other than being a part of Mel.
2. The guilt I feel is unsurpassed. If I’d gone round when she asked for a hug, she’d still be here - no doubt. If I went round at midnight when she phoned, she’d still be here. Again no doubt. Friends and family tell me I’m not to blame but how can I not be?
Yes she has history of mental illness and if it wasn’t me she ended it with, perhaps it would be the next partner. One friend said perhaps I prolonged her life.
3. Mel bought me socks etc that I’m presently wearing. It’s hard to have this as a reminder. Should I remove all effects of reminders? Would she want that?
4. Whilst on the whole we had a good relationship, part of her texts (when drunk on the night of her death) she said she felt crap for a lot of the relationship, or rather I made her feel that way. Again, a element of guilt.
The two elements not sinking me immediately to the ground are:
1. It’s not normal to take your own life if you separate from someone.
2. She probably didn’t know what she was doing due to drink and her thoughts/mind clouded.
Genuinely appreciate anyone who spent the time to read this. I’ve shed several tears whist doing so.
Rest In Peace, Mel. I’m so sorry x
Bad luck mate, I can't help you as I genuinely don't understand mental health.
You are not alone though, my niece and her husband had a suicide pact a few years back, he died she survived, my brother in law did the same when my sister in law left him, a bloke over the road did the same thing, and very recently a work associate blew his brains out with a shotgun when his wife announced she was divorcing him.
Very tragically it does seem a common occurrence.
I wish you well.
You are not alone though, my niece and her husband had a suicide pact a few years back, he died she survived, my brother in law did the same when my sister in law left him, a bloke over the road did the same thing, and very recently a work associate blew his brains out with a shotgun when his wife announced she was divorcing him.
Very tragically it does seem a common occurrence.
I wish you well.
f
king hell...
I have no words that will magically make you feel better sadly, and I can only really offer the usual platitudes.
I would say seek out some professional help, if only Samaritans or similar.
Speak to your close family and friends, you cannot let this bottle up.
I have been through Depression, and have made all the plans required to end my life in the past.
I cant begin to imagine the horror of what you have been through, but, yet, you are still here, still breathing - and that means you have hope and a future.
Hold onto whatever you need to to keep ploughing forward, and eventually, the pain WILL dull...
If you want to chat off here, feel free to message me.
ATB Dude.....
king hell...I have no words that will magically make you feel better sadly, and I can only really offer the usual platitudes.
I would say seek out some professional help, if only Samaritans or similar.
Speak to your close family and friends, you cannot let this bottle up.
I have been through Depression, and have made all the plans required to end my life in the past.
I cant begin to imagine the horror of what you have been through, but, yet, you are still here, still breathing - and that means you have hope and a future.
Hold onto whatever you need to to keep ploughing forward, and eventually, the pain WILL dull...
If you want to chat off here, feel free to message me.
ATB Dude.....
Very sorry to hear about your sad news. It is a topic I unfortunately know quite a lot about, but I am not qualified to advise and would fear giving bad advice. What I will say is don't bottle up your emotions, talk to people, doesn't matter who in the first instance, just people you feel comfortable with, the rest will fall into place and make sense in time
So sorry to read all of that OP.
It would seem she had a destruct button, her finger hovered over it a number of times, this time she pressed it.
It would also seem the "problem" started long before you met her, she was probably difficult to live with and you have recently ended a long relationship so not ready to recommit ta new and difficult partnership, she obviously couldn't see that, she saw you as he support unfortunately.
No ones "fault" don't assume the guilt, as you said if not you then the next guy.
You told her to look after number 1.
Now it's your turn to do the same, you and your Son.
I suspect the contact with her Mother will be a short term thing benefitting bot parties, don't extend it.
It would seem she had a destruct button, her finger hovered over it a number of times, this time she pressed it.
It would also seem the "problem" started long before you met her, she was probably difficult to live with and you have recently ended a long relationship so not ready to recommit ta new and difficult partnership, she obviously couldn't see that, she saw you as he support unfortunately.
No ones "fault" don't assume the guilt, as you said if not you then the next guy.
You told her to look after number 1.
Now it's your turn to do the same, you and your Son.
I suspect the contact with her Mother will be a short term thing benefitting bot parties, don't extend it.
So sorry for you OP.
Suicide is much more common place than many would know as it is rarely reported.
You can not and must not blame yourself for her actions, they were out of your control, anything you could have done would only have delayed the inevitable.
Focus on you and yours now, talk to the ones you love and hold dear.
Suicide is much more common place than many would know as it is rarely reported.
You can not and must not blame yourself for her actions, they were out of your control, anything you could have done would only have delayed the inevitable.
Focus on you and yours now, talk to the ones you love and hold dear.
Tekno said:
2. The guilt I feel is unsurpassed. If I’d gone round when she asked for a hug, she’d still be here - no doubt. If I went round at midnight when she phoned, she’d still be here. Again no doubt. Friends and family tell me I’m not to blame but how can I not be?
That was a tough read and thanks for sharing it with us, she had issues and you were not equipped to deal with them, she needed help and professional help at that. I've quoted the above because I wanted to say a bit about the guilt, you feel guilty because you feel you could have done something, trust me you couldn't. She made that decision to stop hurting and there was nothing you or anyone could have done.I really wish I could give you a man hug tonight.
All the best.
I’m very sorry to read this matey, it’s a horrible situation for you to be in and I’m very sorry that Mel thought this was the only way out.
I don’t have any wise words for you, except that you mustn’t blame yourself. You did the right things and you were there when you could.
PH is here for you.
I don’t have any wise words for you, except that you mustn’t blame yourself. You did the right things and you were there when you could.
PH is here for you.
Here’s what i learnt from a sort of similar experience…
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Some aspects won’t have a right answer, just a least wrong one.
If people offer to help and you feel you need it, accept it. If you struggle with this, mitigate it by saying it’s a loan and you’ll help someone equally in the future.
It’s ok to not be ok, very bad feelings and thoughts will attack you. Don’t try to fight or avoid them, recognise them and try to let them pass. You won’t always be successful.
People are kinder than you think.
I’m truly sorry this has happened.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Some aspects won’t have a right answer, just a least wrong one.
If people offer to help and you feel you need it, accept it. If you struggle with this, mitigate it by saying it’s a loan and you’ll help someone equally in the future.
It’s ok to not be ok, very bad feelings and thoughts will attack you. Don’t try to fight or avoid them, recognise them and try to let them pass. You won’t always be successful.
People are kinder than you think.
I’m truly sorry this has happened.
Sorry to hear this. Alcohol and Anxiety just feed each other….add in mental illness and you have a perfect storm.
My Dad was an alcoholic and my mum always told me to try more tough love as he would take me down with him. He died alone on his boat aged 52.
I sorry for your loss. You need some grief counselling at some stage and try to realise she has released you to get on with a normal life, remember the good times and move on from this.
My Dad was an alcoholic and my mum always told me to try more tough love as he would take me down with him. He died alone on his boat aged 52.
I sorry for your loss. You need some grief counselling at some stage and try to realise she has released you to get on with a normal life, remember the good times and move on from this.
Very sorry to hear OP.
Not much advice to give expect to say that time is a great healer (from experience). It would help if you take some time off (like someone suggested above) and let let all the grief out and rest/recuperate. Do not keep it all bottled in. Pray for peace/comfort if you are someone who believes in it. Above all, even though it is all very sad, it is not your fault.
Not much advice to give expect to say that time is a great healer (from experience). It would help if you take some time off (like someone suggested above) and let let all the grief out and rest/recuperate. Do not keep it all bottled in. Pray for peace/comfort if you are someone who believes in it. Above all, even though it is all very sad, it is not your fault.
Contact SOBS - Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide - if in need of specialist, targetted support
https://uksobs.org/
https://uksobs.org/
Sorry to read your story. It’s horrible and something only very few people can even begin to comprehend.
There are people - professional and others who have experienced what you have that you can talk to.
You might not want to but you do need to talk to someone otherwise it will eat away at you. SOBS, CBT therapy or those of us on here who have knowledge of what you’ve talked about will be of huge help to you.
Take your time, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Guilt is natural, not understanding is natural.
When you are ready - get it all off your chest.
Thoughts are very much with you OP.
There are people - professional and others who have experienced what you have that you can talk to.
You might not want to but you do need to talk to someone otherwise it will eat away at you. SOBS, CBT therapy or those of us on here who have knowledge of what you’ve talked about will be of huge help to you.
Take your time, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Guilt is natural, not understanding is natural.
When you are ready - get it all off your chest.
Thoughts are very much with you OP.
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