What to say to someone given terminal cancer diagnosis?
Discussion
Hi,
If anyone here has been given a terminal cancer diagnosis I would like to know what you found most comforting in what people say when they find out. I ask this because a friend of the family has had such a diagnosis and I wondered what there is better than the usual "I'm so sorry to here.."
Are there anythings to avoid saying?
Thanks in advance.
If anyone here has been given a terminal cancer diagnosis I would like to know what you found most comforting in what people say when they find out. I ask this because a friend of the family has had such a diagnosis and I wondered what there is better than the usual "I'm so sorry to here.."
Are there anythings to avoid saying?
Thanks in advance.
Treat them as normal, not the same but might be similar when my son was given his diagnosis I found people either avoided you or was always trying to find something to say so it was always awkward.
In reality I just wanted people to be normal, chat s
t and carry on as before.
Others may disagree but that was all I wanted.
In reality I just wanted people to be normal, chat s
t and carry on as before.Others may disagree but that was all I wanted.
I think this is a very contextual question.
Both my parents died of cancer but lived with it for nearly a year, the difference was my father was late forties with his, my mother many years later in her mid eighties.
My father suffered guilt about leaving my mother and us to fend for ourselves so to speak and what made it easier was us reassuring him we'd be alright, as for my mother, we were all settled and living our own lives so really it was more about goodbyes.
I learned with my father that you need to acknowledge it and when appropriate talk about it but not do it to death, he sometimes wanted to consider the day to day thinks instead.
Both my parents died of cancer but lived with it for nearly a year, the difference was my father was late forties with his, my mother many years later in her mid eighties.
My father suffered guilt about leaving my mother and us to fend for ourselves so to speak and what made it easier was us reassuring him we'd be alright, as for my mother, we were all settled and living our own lives so really it was more about goodbyes.
I learned with my father that you need to acknowledge it and when appropriate talk about it but not do it to death, he sometimes wanted to consider the day to day thinks instead.
DaveA8 said:
I think this is a very contextual question.
Both my parents died of cancer but lived with it for nearly a year, the difference was my father was late forties with his, my mother many years later in her mid eighties.
My father suffered guilt about leaving my mother and us to fend for ourselves so to speak and what made it easier was us reassuring him we'd be alright, as for my mother, we were all settled and living our own lives so really it was more about goodbyes.
I learned with my father that you need to acknowledge it and when appropriate talk about it but not do it to death, he sometimes wanted to consider the day to day thinks instead.
This is a very pertinent point you make, with relevance to me recently losing my father to cancer.Both my parents died of cancer but lived with it for nearly a year, the difference was my father was late forties with his, my mother many years later in her mid eighties.
My father suffered guilt about leaving my mother and us to fend for ourselves so to speak and what made it easier was us reassuring him we'd be alright, as for my mother, we were all settled and living our own lives so really it was more about goodbyes.
I learned with my father that you need to acknowledge it and when appropriate talk about it but not do it to death, he sometimes wanted to consider the day to day thinks instead.
The diagnosis was sudden, and within 4 weeks I had to try and get as many "jobs" sorted for him as possible, or at least capture a To Do List once he was no loger around, He was keen to ensure my mum was looked after from a practical point of view, and the responsibilities he was leaving her with.
It was an incredibly challenging time, but I found it also gave me, him and my mum a purpose to actually all come together and discuss stuff.
When I lost my sister suddently 9 years ago, none of that was possible.
Use the remaining time to reassure him, but also yourself, that you've done all you could/can.
I think this might be a bit harsh, but understandable - a colleague told me the thing he hated was everyone telling him 'their' (might be their own or a relative's, friend's etc) cancer story. And particularly when it went badly and they didn't seem to have thought about that bit of the story.
A neighbor and friend recently passed after contracting esophageal cancer. He didn't want treating any different and preferred it if people didn't bring it up. I just treated him as I always had and only ever responded when he brought it up which was very rare. People don't always want reminding that they may only have a short time left and certainly don't want treating any different than before.
My advice, tread carefully and let them make those decisions about when it will be talked about.
My advice, tread carefully and let them make those decisions about when it will be talked about.
Off to my father in laws tonight. He has been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, had lots of skin issues during the pandemic and couldn't get a consultant to see him in person. We knew he had cancer up to this week, but didn't know if it was early or late stage. Not totally sure what tonight is about, he is 77 but we are hoping that he will have a few more years. Hopefully he can travel again which is his passion.
My kids don't know and I am not sure when my wife will decide it is right to tell them. All I know is that he has been told to carry on as normal with his life, golf, etc and is on hormone tablets which slow things down. I spoke to him yesterday, but just to pass on a message sounded totally normal thank goodness.
My kids don't know and I am not sure when my wife will decide it is right to tell them. All I know is that he has been told to carry on as normal with his life, golf, etc and is on hormone tablets which slow things down. I spoke to him yesterday, but just to pass on a message sounded totally normal thank goodness.
IAmTheWalrus said:
Hi,
If anyone here has been given a terminal cancer diagnosis I would like to know what you found most comforting in what people say when they find out. I ask this because a friend of the family has had such a diagnosis and I wondered what there is better than the usual "I'm so sorry to here.."
Are there anythings to avoid saying?
Thanks in advance.
I am in a similar position as a friend has just had a biopsy for possible pancreatic cancer. I think he said it has spread and the doc has said he has months.If anyone here has been given a terminal cancer diagnosis I would like to know what you found most comforting in what people say when they find out. I ask this because a friend of the family has had such a diagnosis and I wondered what there is better than the usual "I'm so sorry to here.."
Are there anythings to avoid saying?
Thanks in advance.
I just said s
t and that I was really sorry to hear but was hoping for the best outcome possible. Maybe a naff thing to say but it's really difficult.I did mention later on that my aunt had pancreatic cancer and he seemed interested to know some details about her, she lived for 3 years after the diagnosis.
Hilts said:
I am in a similar position as a friend has just had a biopsy for possible pancreatic cancer. I think he said it has spread and the doc has said he has months.
I just said st and that I was really sorry to hear but was hoping for the best outcome possible. Maybe a naff thing to say but it's really difficult.
I did mention later on that my aunt had pancreatic cancer and he seemed interested to know some details about her, she lived for 3 years after the diagnosis.
Really don't want to be downer on this, but pancreatic that's spread, I'd be getting all affairs in order asap. Its a bar steward of a diagnosis & 3 years is pretty amazing / atypical prognosis, the consultants estimate is probably more sensible to base decisions around. Very sorry to hear. I just said s
t and that I was really sorry to hear but was hoping for the best outcome possible. Maybe a naff thing to say but it's really difficult.I did mention later on that my aunt had pancreatic cancer and he seemed interested to know some details about her, she lived for 3 years after the diagnosis.
I have had this to deal with more than once.
I generally go to the practical side...i.e. any help I can offer, such as driving the person to hospital or pickups an so on.- I have done this more than once. If the person wants to to talk about it I am happy to listen. I do not ask if there anything I can do, but more offer some useful help.
I had a good mate here from the old PH days who was Hammerwerfer here. He taught me a huge amount about driving the Nordschleife and we had some good sessions there. He was only in his fifties when he got the diagnosis of terminal cancer. I kept in touch and we often talked about the Ring and the good times. I went to the hospice in Dublin just before he died and we knew it would be the last time. I sat with him just and we continued to talk about cars and driving. When I left we did not say goodbye, just great to see each other. He died three days later.
Everyone is different. I had another mate who died recently. He and I had been involved in a huge transformative deal in a company we had worked for. I had led the deal but he had been pivotal - would never have made it happen without him . When I heard he was going to die had a good long talk about our lives. I later wrote him an email and told him how much I had needed him and how much I owed him.His wife told me later that this had meant a lot to him and he had sent it to his own son.
Interestingly he had refused a funeral service but had asked him wife to throw a party for his good friends. We got together a few months later and had a good party in his honour.
There is no really good answer but I never deny reality, nor talk about miracle cures, people I know who have recovered etc. It is a devastating thing for the person who received the diagnosis.
I generally go to the practical side...i.e. any help I can offer, such as driving the person to hospital or pickups an so on.- I have done this more than once. If the person wants to to talk about it I am happy to listen. I do not ask if there anything I can do, but more offer some useful help.
I had a good mate here from the old PH days who was Hammerwerfer here. He taught me a huge amount about driving the Nordschleife and we had some good sessions there. He was only in his fifties when he got the diagnosis of terminal cancer. I kept in touch and we often talked about the Ring and the good times. I went to the hospice in Dublin just before he died and we knew it would be the last time. I sat with him just and we continued to talk about cars and driving. When I left we did not say goodbye, just great to see each other. He died three days later.
Everyone is different. I had another mate who died recently. He and I had been involved in a huge transformative deal in a company we had worked for. I had led the deal but he had been pivotal - would never have made it happen without him . When I heard he was going to die had a good long talk about our lives. I later wrote him an email and told him how much I had needed him and how much I owed him.His wife told me later that this had meant a lot to him and he had sent it to his own son.
Interestingly he had refused a funeral service but had asked him wife to throw a party for his good friends. We got together a few months later and had a good party in his honour.
There is no really good answer but I never deny reality, nor talk about miracle cures, people I know who have recovered etc. It is a devastating thing for the person who received the diagnosis.
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