Autistic friend and learning to help her
Discussion
May already have been covered to some extent. I made friends with a girl ( well, 40ish ) a few years ago, having met her when walking the dog while working away in the south. She recently self diagnosed as autistic, and I have no reason to doubt that it's accurate, given her occasionally erratic and unpredictable behaviour. She is a Dr, and very smart, but I sensed the day I met her that there was something different about her. Interestingly, she's of the opinion I too might be on the spectrum.....
It's become apparent as I've got to know her better that making real friends is something of an issue for her. She lives alone, several hundred miles away now, and we kept in touch during lockdown. Recently, she told me she regards me as her best friend, as, unbeknown to me, it turns out I was the only person of her acquaintance who regularly kept in touch.
She often comments on anxiety and loneliness. These communications are pretty heart rending sometimes. There are periods when she breaks contact for maybe a week, returning to apologise, and saying that she's been struggling. She has the occasional short term, unsuccessful relationship, during which she seems to open up immediately to the prospective partner, which appears to scare them off.
I've got to the stage where I'm concerned for her wellbeing. She deals with COVID patients, and has fears for her own mental health should another lockdown be announced. I have every reason to take her concerns seriously, but I have no idea what more I can do.
It seems like an unusual situation to be in, hopefully there are others here who can help me to understand what more, if anything, I can do to help. It's not a one way street, I've had some unpleasant medical difficulties to deal with, some of which are ongoing, and as a Dr. she has made huge efforts to assist me in knowing how best to adapt to them or simply accept them.
I doubt there's an exact replication of this situation on here, but if anyone who has Autism / Aspergers can give me some direction, I'd be grateful.
It's become apparent as I've got to know her better that making real friends is something of an issue for her. She lives alone, several hundred miles away now, and we kept in touch during lockdown. Recently, she told me she regards me as her best friend, as, unbeknown to me, it turns out I was the only person of her acquaintance who regularly kept in touch.
She often comments on anxiety and loneliness. These communications are pretty heart rending sometimes. There are periods when she breaks contact for maybe a week, returning to apologise, and saying that she's been struggling. She has the occasional short term, unsuccessful relationship, during which she seems to open up immediately to the prospective partner, which appears to scare them off.
I've got to the stage where I'm concerned for her wellbeing. She deals with COVID patients, and has fears for her own mental health should another lockdown be announced. I have every reason to take her concerns seriously, but I have no idea what more I can do.
It seems like an unusual situation to be in, hopefully there are others here who can help me to understand what more, if anything, I can do to help. It's not a one way street, I've had some unpleasant medical difficulties to deal with, some of which are ongoing, and as a Dr. she has made huge efforts to assist me in knowing how best to adapt to them or simply accept them.
I doubt there's an exact replication of this situation on here, but if anyone who has Autism / Aspergers can give me some direction, I'd be grateful.
Hi there mate.
A good friend you are, especially for the care you have for the well-being of this person.
I can’t speak from experience (not a doctor/psychologist/etc), but you mentioned self diagnosed. It could well be a mental health condition such as bipolar or borderline personality disorder or something else. Or it could be autism. We don’t know.
My point is that without a proper diagnosis, being of help will be difficult. I would therefore urge you to encourage her to speak with someone. Framing that will be tricky, but I’d suggest putting it on as a positive. For example the next time she mentions a difficult period, confide that you have met someone that you feel has helped you in the past and point them in their direction.
Others might have different views, but in any case props to you for taking the time to think for this person
A good friend you are, especially for the care you have for the well-being of this person.
I can’t speak from experience (not a doctor/psychologist/etc), but you mentioned self diagnosed. It could well be a mental health condition such as bipolar or borderline personality disorder or something else. Or it could be autism. We don’t know.
My point is that without a proper diagnosis, being of help will be difficult. I would therefore urge you to encourage her to speak with someone. Framing that will be tricky, but I’d suggest putting it on as a positive. For example the next time she mentions a difficult period, confide that you have met someone that you feel has helped you in the past and point them in their direction.
Others might have different views, but in any case props to you for taking the time to think for this person
james_zy said:
Hi there mate.
A good friend you are, especially for the care you have for the well-being of this person.
I can’t speak from experience (not a doctor/psychologist/etc), but you mentioned self diagnosed. It could well be a mental health condition such as bipolar or borderline personality disorder or something else. Or it could be autism. We don’t know.
My point is that without a proper diagnosis, being of help will be difficult. I would therefore urge you to encourage her to speak with someone. Framing that will be tricky, but I’d suggest putting it on as a positive. For example the next time she mentions a difficult period, confide that you have met someone that you feel has helped you in the past and point them in their direction.
Others might have different views, but in any case props to you for taking the time to think for this person
She speaks to a councillor once a week, a recent development, but seemingly helpful. Thanks for the reply. A good friend you are, especially for the care you have for the well-being of this person.
I can’t speak from experience (not a doctor/psychologist/etc), but you mentioned self diagnosed. It could well be a mental health condition such as bipolar or borderline personality disorder or something else. Or it could be autism. We don’t know.
My point is that without a proper diagnosis, being of help will be difficult. I would therefore urge you to encourage her to speak with someone. Framing that will be tricky, but I’d suggest putting it on as a positive. For example the next time she mentions a difficult period, confide that you have met someone that you feel has helped you in the past and point them in their direction.
Others might have different views, but in any case props to you for taking the time to think for this person
JeffreyD said:
you said "several hundred miles"
that's quite a large area - can you narrow it down?
Also are you married/in a relationship etc?
350 miles between us.that's quite a large area - can you narrow it down?
Also are you married/in a relationship etc?
I'm married, my wife knows her, encourages me to help her. Dog ownership empathy.
This girl doesn't find the company of other women easy, and just generally can be awkward at any given situation.
I wasn't a Dr but I was a paramedic and from what I saw most Dr's are huge amounts of pressure, which is quite often relentless for days depending on shifts and very often bottled up as there is sometimes very little relief from understanding peers or bosses - this might help explain the sudden days without contact. I also experienced this with Nurse, Doctor and Paramedic friends of mine - bottling up stuff, like it or not, is a coping mechanism for processing what can be quite disturbing and distressing stuff.
As for the other autistic aspects then all I can advise from watching those who were far better at dealing with it than me, is massive amounts of patience and understanding.
Good luck.
As for the other autistic aspects then all I can advise from watching those who were far better at dealing with it than me, is massive amounts of patience and understanding.
Good luck.
Evoluzione said:
I would advise Googling 'Autism and loneliness' and having a good read.
It is (interestingly) Autistic women who suffer from it and not so much men.
Its the same with quite a few, learning, behavioural and mental health issues, they often appear the same in men and women but there are also some big differences in how they affect the sexes. The differences can often be very noticeable in boys and girls It is (interestingly) Autistic women who suffer from it and not so much men.
I have two autistic children.
My son diagnosed at 11 years old as Asperger's and has had quite a rough ride in education despite being extremely gifted. It was not so much the academic side of school but the social side that he flounder on. Just about to do his GCSE's but little hope of much because for the last two years he has been a school refuser such was the inadequate help from his school. He's threatened to take his life on several occasions due to loneliness and his mental health is very bad right now.
My daughter somehow married with kids (married an equally socially poor person so they do well together!) and in her early20's has just been diagnosed despite doing seemly well at school and leaving with very good results. She like a lot of women managed to mask her symptoms quite well but not perfectly so despite flagging up as having some mental health issues sufficient to involve social services didn't get diagnosed till some years later.
One thing I have noticed is an autistic person seems to be their own worst enemy in terms of doing the very thing that would help them, certainly in the case of my son.
OP, sorry I have nothing really relevant but glad to hear you care.
My son diagnosed at 11 years old as Asperger's and has had quite a rough ride in education despite being extremely gifted. It was not so much the academic side of school but the social side that he flounder on. Just about to do his GCSE's but little hope of much because for the last two years he has been a school refuser such was the inadequate help from his school. He's threatened to take his life on several occasions due to loneliness and his mental health is very bad right now.
My daughter somehow married with kids (married an equally socially poor person so they do well together!) and in her early20's has just been diagnosed despite doing seemly well at school and leaving with very good results. She like a lot of women managed to mask her symptoms quite well but not perfectly so despite flagging up as having some mental health issues sufficient to involve social services didn't get diagnosed till some years later.
One thing I have noticed is an autistic person seems to be their own worst enemy in terms of doing the very thing that would help them, certainly in the case of my son.
OP, sorry I have nothing really relevant but glad to hear you care.
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