Discussion
Good evening all,
Im not sure why im posting here to be honest but i am worried that i have mental health issues and dont really have anyone to talk to about it. I think its partly due to the situation im in.
Ive been work from home since the start of the pandemic and thats not likely to change.. i have an 18 month old son whom was born during lockdown..
At the moment i feel really unappreciated by my partner and any attempt i try to raise this turns into a full blown argument where i have to remove myself from the house to not effect my very aware son.
My partner returned to work around 11 months ago and i now have a lot of pressure and stress each day.
I feel like i do a lot and its wearing me down yet my partner sees it as standard stuff i should cope with. Maybe shes right.
I entertain son and drop him to nursery everyday, i then come home tidy up the chaos left behind and begin work, i then organise and cook his dinner on my short lunch break ( i am eating differently due to trying to drop some weight as part of my gym regime, now only 3 nights a week ) i then leave work early everyday to pick up son and bring him home entertain or feed until partner gets home. She has an hour commute each day, i have no doubt its tough for her too. I then tidy up again whilst she readies him for bed.
My son is very advanced and challenging at times, pushing boundaries etc. And recently my patience has been running thin. I lost my grandfather a couple of weeks ago and i also have a lot of stress at work.
Every time i argue with partner she claims that i have started it, it then results in a slanging match and personal insults appearance and family very immature i know. She has asked me to leave the family house on numerous occasions and it will absolutely kill me to leave my son. I love him more than anything. Im the product of a broken home and i really dont want my son to be either. I try and secure his future every day.
I feel like my relationship with my partner is pretty much dead, its loveless, intimacy is rare. We dont talk much apart from about our son we dont do anything alone together and to be honest im not sure i want to, its like we resent eachother. We live in a small house which i think is half the problem and i am working my arse off to try and change that, however to receive the money i need to make that happen in a year or 2, i need to make sure im present at work to see out the next 6 months with my employers.
I apologise for this life story, i know that members of my family suffer with mental health issues and i am quite aware of the subject due to my work. I always thought i could handle life stresses but starting to think that now im the problem and not my situation. Im trying to suck it up and get on but i feel like each day is wearing me down.
Is anyone else in a similar situation, does anyone have any useful words of wisdom to help me turn my mindset around.
When we found out we were having a baby it was never discussed that i would end up as a work from home mum. Thats how it feels to me anyway.
Im not sure why im posting here to be honest but i am worried that i have mental health issues and dont really have anyone to talk to about it. I think its partly due to the situation im in.
Ive been work from home since the start of the pandemic and thats not likely to change.. i have an 18 month old son whom was born during lockdown..
At the moment i feel really unappreciated by my partner and any attempt i try to raise this turns into a full blown argument where i have to remove myself from the house to not effect my very aware son.
My partner returned to work around 11 months ago and i now have a lot of pressure and stress each day.
I feel like i do a lot and its wearing me down yet my partner sees it as standard stuff i should cope with. Maybe shes right.
I entertain son and drop him to nursery everyday, i then come home tidy up the chaos left behind and begin work, i then organise and cook his dinner on my short lunch break ( i am eating differently due to trying to drop some weight as part of my gym regime, now only 3 nights a week ) i then leave work early everyday to pick up son and bring him home entertain or feed until partner gets home. She has an hour commute each day, i have no doubt its tough for her too. I then tidy up again whilst she readies him for bed.
My son is very advanced and challenging at times, pushing boundaries etc. And recently my patience has been running thin. I lost my grandfather a couple of weeks ago and i also have a lot of stress at work.
Every time i argue with partner she claims that i have started it, it then results in a slanging match and personal insults appearance and family very immature i know. She has asked me to leave the family house on numerous occasions and it will absolutely kill me to leave my son. I love him more than anything. Im the product of a broken home and i really dont want my son to be either. I try and secure his future every day.
I feel like my relationship with my partner is pretty much dead, its loveless, intimacy is rare. We dont talk much apart from about our son we dont do anything alone together and to be honest im not sure i want to, its like we resent eachother. We live in a small house which i think is half the problem and i am working my arse off to try and change that, however to receive the money i need to make that happen in a year or 2, i need to make sure im present at work to see out the next 6 months with my employers.
I apologise for this life story, i know that members of my family suffer with mental health issues and i am quite aware of the subject due to my work. I always thought i could handle life stresses but starting to think that now im the problem and not my situation. Im trying to suck it up and get on but i feel like each day is wearing me down.
Is anyone else in a similar situation, does anyone have any useful words of wisdom to help me turn my mindset around.
When we found out we were having a baby it was never discussed that i would end up as a work from home mum. Thats how it feels to me anyway.
AB said:
Well done for plucking up the courage and asking for advice. Having a baby is a massive life change and challenging at the best of times, never mind after the last couple of years.
Question though; is it possible your other half is feeling the strain and struggling too?
Yes she also finds it difficult which we have discussed, but my view is that at least she has some sort of normality getting out to work and not having to do the mundane house stuff everyday. Walks in to a cooked meal every day. Question though; is it possible your other half is feeling the strain and struggling too?
It's bloody hard having kids and against this nonsense of covid - even harder.
I'm certainly no expert (in anything) however you could try trying to do more for your partner - I have - it can feel like a right bitter pill at times. Often I walk in, to everyone sat around doing sod all - however rather than complain, I get stuff done and make everyone, including my own life, calmer.
She could be struggling too, Mrs D certainly is \ does!
I keep busy trying to please everyone, and when they're all in bed, have 30 mins to myself and a quick can!
Take care, keep going, children are hard, everything is hard!
Chat on here, many of us are finding it tough, but keep going
Edited to add - yes I like going out to work, being stuck in is crap and mentally horrible!!!
I'm certainly no expert (in anything) however you could try trying to do more for your partner - I have - it can feel like a right bitter pill at times. Often I walk in, to everyone sat around doing sod all - however rather than complain, I get stuff done and make everyone, including my own life, calmer.
She could be struggling too, Mrs D certainly is \ does!
I keep busy trying to please everyone, and when they're all in bed, have 30 mins to myself and a quick can!
Take care, keep going, children are hard, everything is hard!
Chat on here, many of us are finding it tough, but keep going
Edited to add - yes I like going out to work, being stuck in is crap and mentally horrible!!!
It sounds like a combination of things, I know when you work from home that your partner can often expect you to do a hundred things during work hours.
It is easy to start resenting your partners split of the workload and lack of effort with intimacy as you can believe you deserve it for the extra you are doing.
You actually need to focus on how you can make things easier and simpler for yourself and ensure you get some time out of the house and doing something that cheers you up or at least relaxes you (maybe stay away from watching Arsenal as it depresses me)
It will get easier and cheaper (well for a bit) as your little one gets older, you will be more cheerful and the missus will want that intimacy back……then you will have a 2nd and be back here
Come to think of it, not sure I am helping much!!
It is easy to start resenting your partners split of the workload and lack of effort with intimacy as you can believe you deserve it for the extra you are doing.
You actually need to focus on how you can make things easier and simpler for yourself and ensure you get some time out of the house and doing something that cheers you up or at least relaxes you (maybe stay away from watching Arsenal as it depresses me
)It will get easier and cheaper (well for a bit) as your little one gets older, you will be more cheerful and the missus will want that intimacy back……then you will have a 2nd and be back here
Come to think of it, not sure I am helping much!!
dundarach said:
It's bloody hard having kids and against this nonsense of covid - even harder.
I'm certainly no expert (in anything) however you could try trying to do more for your partner - I have - it can feel like a right bitter pill at times. Often I walk in, to everyone sat around doing sod all - however rather than complain, I get stuff done and make everyone, including my own life, calmer.
She could be struggling too, Mrs D certainly is \ does!
I keep busy trying to please everyone, and when they're all in bed, have 30 mins to myself and a quick can!
Take care, keep going, children are hard, everything is hard!
Chat on here, many of us are finding it tough, but keep going
Edited to add - yes I like going out to work, being stuck in is crap and mentally horrible!!!
I have tried to just keep quiet about it before but its very much boiling over at the moment. maybe venting on here is better than moaning to her about how i feel.. im not sure i could physically do more to help.. im pretty much at my limit and not many hours left in the day.. i dont want to sound petty but i feel like im doing the lions share of things I'm certainly no expert (in anything) however you could try trying to do more for your partner - I have - it can feel like a right bitter pill at times. Often I walk in, to everyone sat around doing sod all - however rather than complain, I get stuff done and make everyone, including my own life, calmer.
She could be struggling too, Mrs D certainly is \ does!
I keep busy trying to please everyone, and when they're all in bed, have 30 mins to myself and a quick can!
Take care, keep going, children are hard, everything is hard!
Chat on here, many of us are finding it tough, but keep going
Edited to add - yes I like going out to work, being stuck in is crap and mentally horrible!!!
Mack11 said:
It sounds like a combination of things, I know when you work from home that your partner can often expect you to do a hundred things during work hours.
It is easy to start resenting your partners split of the workload and lack of effort with intimacy as you can believe you deserve it for the extra you are doing.
You actually need to focus on how you can make things easier and simpler for yourself and ensure you get some time out of the house and doing something that cheers you up or at least relaxes you (maybe stay away from watching Arsenal as it depresses me)
It will get easier and cheaper (well for a bit) as your little one gets older, you will be more cheerful and the missus will want that intimacy back……then you will have a 2nd and be back here
Come to think of it, not sure I am helping much!!
I think you have summed it up quite well, reading this back. I am very much resenting my partners share of the workload. And i know its not her fault as we both have to work to pay the mortgage and the nursery fees. If i wasnt work from home im not sure how we would cope dropping to nursery, eating etc so its a double edged sword. It is easy to start resenting your partners split of the workload and lack of effort with intimacy as you can believe you deserve it for the extra you are doing.
You actually need to focus on how you can make things easier and simpler for yourself and ensure you get some time out of the house and doing something that cheers you up or at least relaxes you (maybe stay away from watching Arsenal as it depresses me
)It will get easier and cheaper (well for a bit) as your little one gets older, you will be more cheerful and the missus will want that intimacy back……then you will have a 2nd and be back here
Come to think of it, not sure I am helping much!!
Im also an arsenal fan, maybe thats to blame aswell
mikiec said:
What is the good in the relationship?
How were things with you and your partner pre baby?
How are you during the weekend when you are both around, do you do things together with you child that are enjoyable?
Without wanting to sound too depressing, at the moment not much is good apart from my sons development and character growing each day.How were things with you and your partner pre baby?
How are you during the weekend when you are both around, do you do things together with you child that are enjoyable?
Before baby we were pretty chilled out, we had our own hobbies and routine. Id train a lot at the gym in the mornings and we would watch films in the evening, eat out at the weekend visit friends family, go camping/fishing etc. Now there is barely any time for that, as much as i love my son he consumes everything from me.
At the moment weekends are focused around son, zoos, parks, shopping, family trips to get him out of the house, he missed a lot of that during lockdown. Although the last few weeks i have had to try and support my grieving family too. The rest of the weekend consists of washing cleaning and preparing for the following week of work.
fesuvious said:
I have a feeling that you're using the same language and actions whenever you bring things up.
This is not an accusation.
You both have to talk. The problem is it's clear you're both speaking different languages and coming at each other rather than addressing it as a couple.
For her to allow you room to talk, you might need to get her to talk first.
As soon as it's quiet look her dead in the eyes and say;
'this is s
t isn't it, how are WE, as a Couple, together going to look after our family unit and stop the misery? How are you feeling?'
She might focus on the word misery, in which case you're deep in the poo. Or she might start crying and talking....
Yes i would agree that maybe when i dont get a response or a discussion that i am looking for, the communication breaks down and turns into something hostile. This is not an accusation.
You both have to talk. The problem is it's clear you're both speaking different languages and coming at each other rather than addressing it as a couple.
For her to allow you room to talk, you might need to get her to talk first.
As soon as it's quiet look her dead in the eyes and say;
'this is s
t isn't it, how are WE, as a Couple, together going to look after our family unit and stop the misery? How are you feeling?'She might focus on the word misery, in which case you're deep in the poo. Or she might start crying and talking....
She feels like i am putting pressure on her to quit her job which is not my intention at all.. i have very understanding employers who give me a lot of leeway when it comes to son. She on the other hand has an unsympathetic hitler type boss who doesnt give 2 s
ts about work life balance and tries to penalise or punish you at every opportunity. I try not to comment on this anymore ie when son is ill and we share the days off with him. As i learnt that what i was saying she took as pressure to leave her job.
It is also okay to feel crap remember.
It's okay to be grump, fed up and knackered!
Never beat yourself up for this.
What helps me is to find daft things I've always wanted on eBay (usually old toys and crap), it gives me something to search for and get excited at spending a couple of pounds on.
Find easy wins to give you a break, charity shops for a couple of CD's for 50p, I don't know something completely pointless and different.
Vent on here, take comfort you are not alone, far, far from it!
It's okay to be grump, fed up and knackered!
Never beat yourself up for this.
What helps me is to find daft things I've always wanted on eBay (usually old toys and crap), it gives me something to search for and get excited at spending a couple of pounds on.
Find easy wins to give you a break, charity shops for a couple of CD's for 50p, I don't know something completely pointless and different.
Vent on here, take comfort you are not alone, far, far from it!
Kids change everything. It literally is a whole new life.
It took me about 3 years to adjust after my son arrived. This is a combination of new responsibilities, change of routines, lack of sleep/going out/time to yourself/fun, lack of money etc. Add in some motherly anxiety, post natal depression etc and it's no wonder loads of couples split up soon after they have kids.
Basically, what you're going through is common. Some people can ride it out and some can't. But it will get better.
It took me about 3 years to adjust after my son arrived. This is a combination of new responsibilities, change of routines, lack of sleep/going out/time to yourself/fun, lack of money etc. Add in some motherly anxiety, post natal depression etc and it's no wonder loads of couples split up soon after they have kids.
Basically, what you're going through is common. Some people can ride it out and some can't. But it will get better.
Appreciate the replies and support, food for thought..
Must try and remain positive, all is not lost.. lots of enjoyable things still. Try to enjoy the little free time i do have.
Need to work on relationship with partner aswell as son. Try not to compare current routine/life with what was possible previously.
Try to remain patient and remember why i am doing everything i do.
These are a few things i think i need to work on for now
Must try and remain positive, all is not lost.. lots of enjoyable things still. Try to enjoy the little free time i do have.
Need to work on relationship with partner aswell as son. Try not to compare current routine/life with what was possible previously.
Try to remain patient and remember why i am doing everything i do.
These are a few things i think i need to work on for now
I'm really sorry to read about your struggles
I would suggest professional counselling now, the possibility is otherwise your relationship will continue to degrade
From your description (obviously one sided) it appears you do a significant amount and your partner doesn't understand / appreciate this, and your "couple time" is non existent .
It happens a lot.
Professional help, otherwise it does sound rather negative to be honest. Mentally would you be happier single with joint custody?
I would suggest professional counselling now, the possibility is otherwise your relationship will continue to degrade
From your description (obviously one sided) it appears you do a significant amount and your partner doesn't understand / appreciate this, and your "couple time" is non existent .
It happens a lot.
Professional help, otherwise it does sound rather negative to be honest. Mentally would you be happier single with joint custody?
Firstly, it's good to share how you're feeling.
Secondly, it's common for the father to feel emotionally displaced/neglected once your partner has 'her' baby; it's a hormone thing, and she's focused on your shared genetic future.
Unfortunately, due to the current situation, where once you could escape and revalidate yourself with other interests, this isn't possible, which is potentially crushing.
Thirdly, talk to your partner openly about this.
Fourthly, find a means of bagging 'me' time/activity, and don't feel guilty about it; subconsciously, and it sounds misogynistic, you're kind of expected to leave the cave and bring down the mammoth, i.e. experience an external success. It will improve your standing with your partner as provider, protector, and father.
Fifthly, love thy child and partner.
Secondly, it's common for the father to feel emotionally displaced/neglected once your partner has 'her' baby; it's a hormone thing, and she's focused on your shared genetic future.
Unfortunately, due to the current situation, where once you could escape and revalidate yourself with other interests, this isn't possible, which is potentially crushing.
Thirdly, talk to your partner openly about this.
Fourthly, find a means of bagging 'me' time/activity, and don't feel guilty about it; subconsciously, and it sounds misogynistic, you're kind of expected to leave the cave and bring down the mammoth, i.e. experience an external success. It will improve your standing with your partner as provider, protector, and father.
Fifthly, love thy child and partner.
Things have take a turn for the worse thismorning. I didnt feel like talking to her given last nights argument i thought it best not to, she still wanted to try and tell me and control how i deal with our son thismorning. shes being actively encouraged to kick me out or leave now by her council mother and i am being made out to be some sort of bully or monster because i occasionaly have a go at our son when he is misbehaving. Got a funeral tomorrow and this is the last thing i need.
Sorry to hear that OP.
Remember however, if things every get to a point where done is done; stay calm, don't rush into anything and take advice.
I think you need to try and remain positive, however if this isn't helping at all, then things might be beyond your control.
Two chaps in my team have broken up in the last two years, one with 2 children, the other with 3; both doing okay.
I'm on my third (I never learn) marriage.
See how it goes, however splitting up isn't the end, it might perversely be what your son needs longer term to have two calm parents.
Remember however, if things every get to a point where done is done; stay calm, don't rush into anything and take advice.
I think you need to try and remain positive, however if this isn't helping at all, then things might be beyond your control.
Two chaps in my team have broken up in the last two years, one with 2 children, the other with 3; both doing okay.
I'm on my third (I never learn) marriage.
See how it goes, however splitting up isn't the end, it might perversely be what your son needs longer term to have two calm parents.
mikiec said:
Could getting a house cleaner in for a few hours a week remove a whole lot of angst?
I was initially against it when my wife wanted it but if it can end some partner resentment could be a great investment
I have suggested this quite a few times but she always has an excuse not too. Its a tiny house it wouldnt take much I was initially against it when my wife wanted it but if it can end some partner resentment could be a great investment
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