Turning 40....am I going mad?
Discussion
Ok so I'm new here, but have been frequenting the forum for years.
In two weeks time I turn 40.
I know it's stereotypical and cliché, but I have been really thinking about my life and reflecting.
I don't feel successful or happy, I really do not know what to do with my life.
I have a house, a soon to be wife, a great dog and two cats, a self converted and engineered MX5 turbo and Clio cup on the drive, a degree from a top 10 UK uni, a Postgrad degree, Engineering qualifications, travelled a fair amount etc so I SHOULD be happy and feel I've achieved something, but at my core I don't feel proud of myself
Can you make a fresh start at 40?
I mean everything, the way you live, the way you think (less negative, more outgoing, more 'YES' rather than 'NO'), start a business etc?
How do I even start?
It feels too much like the largest tangle of bloody wires behind a TV!
In two weeks time I turn 40.
I know it's stereotypical and cliché, but I have been really thinking about my life and reflecting.
I don't feel successful or happy, I really do not know what to do with my life.
I have a house, a soon to be wife, a great dog and two cats, a self converted and engineered MX5 turbo and Clio cup on the drive, a degree from a top 10 UK uni, a Postgrad degree, Engineering qualifications, travelled a fair amount etc so I SHOULD be happy and feel I've achieved something, but at my core I don't feel proud of myself
Can you make a fresh start at 40?
I mean everything, the way you live, the way you think (less negative, more outgoing, more 'YES' rather than 'NO'), start a business etc?
How do I even start?
It feels too much like the largest tangle of bloody wires behind a TV!
Can you make a fresh start? Absolutely.
The tricky bit is trying to work out what will make your like feel more fulfilling. It's easy to give up the job, start a business and in five year's time find yourself in the same hamster-wheel of not being sure why you are doing anything.
You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want to achieve - more "stuff" in the garage? more time for hobbies/wife? more feel-good factor in work? more plaudits?
The tricky bit is trying to work out what will make your like feel more fulfilling. It's easy to give up the job, start a business and in five year's time find yourself in the same hamster-wheel of not being sure why you are doing anything.
You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want to achieve - more "stuff" in the garage? more time for hobbies/wife? more feel-good factor in work? more plaudits?
boyse7en said:
Can you make a fresh start? Absolutely.
The tricky bit is trying to work out what will make your like feel more fulfilling. It's easy to give up the job, start a business and in five year's time find yourself in the same hamster-wheel of not being sure why you are doing anything.
You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want to achieve - more "stuff" in the garage? more time for hobbies/wife? more feel-good factor in work? more plaudits?
Thanks for the replyThe tricky bit is trying to work out what will make your like feel more fulfilling. It's easy to give up the job, start a business and in five year's time find yourself in the same hamster-wheel of not being sure why you are doing anything.
You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want to achieve - more "stuff" in the garage? more time for hobbies/wife? more feel-good factor in work? more plaudits?
Lots to think about, the problem is I want to almost reinvent myself.
CountVacillate said:
Ok so I'm new here, but have been frequenting the forum for years.
In two weeks time I turn 40.
I know it's stereotypical and cliché, but I have been really thinking about my life and reflecting.
I don't feel successful or happy, I really do not know what to do with my life.
I have a house, a soon to be wife, a great dog and two cats, a self converted and engineered MX5 turbo and Clio cup on the drive, a degree from a top 10 UK uni, a Postgrad degree, Engineering qualifications, travelled a fair amount etc so I SHOULD be happy and feel I've achieved something, but at my core I don't feel proud of myself
Can you make a fresh start at 40?
I mean everything, the way you live, the way you think (less negative, more outgoing, more 'YES' rather than 'NO'), start a business etc?
How do I even start?
It feels too much like the largest tangle of bloody wires behind a TV!
Have kids. I'm forty and have a four year old and an almost thirteen year old. I don't have time to over analyse anything, it's great! (Honest).In two weeks time I turn 40.
I know it's stereotypical and cliché, but I have been really thinking about my life and reflecting.
I don't feel successful or happy, I really do not know what to do with my life.
I have a house, a soon to be wife, a great dog and two cats, a self converted and engineered MX5 turbo and Clio cup on the drive, a degree from a top 10 UK uni, a Postgrad degree, Engineering qualifications, travelled a fair amount etc so I SHOULD be happy and feel I've achieved something, but at my core I don't feel proud of myself
Can you make a fresh start at 40?
I mean everything, the way you live, the way you think (less negative, more outgoing, more 'YES' rather than 'NO'), start a business etc?
How do I even start?
It feels too much like the largest tangle of bloody wires behind a TV!
greygoose said:
You are probably over-analysing your life, what do you imagine being successful is?
Almost certainly!I don't think I can quantify it, only describe a feeling about it..
Ok this is a childish way of seeing the world, and I know what I am saying is rubbish and the wrong way to think, but;
It's that moment where you have been invited to a wedding, you are at a table of lovely, but friendly strangers, and you are asked what you do, where you are from. I want to be in a position where I do not feel I have to lie or embellish the truth, to feel at ease with what I am
It's a mental state of being at ease with what I've done, but I do not feel like I have done enough yet.
CountVacillate said:
boyse7en said:
Can you make a fresh start? Absolutely.
The tricky bit is trying to work out what will make your like feel more fulfilling. It's easy to give up the job, start a business and in five year's time find yourself in the same hamster-wheel of not being sure why you are doing anything.
You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want to achieve - more "stuff" in the garage? more time for hobbies/wife? more feel-good factor in work? more plaudits?
Thanks for the replyThe tricky bit is trying to work out what will make your like feel more fulfilling. It's easy to give up the job, start a business and in five year's time find yourself in the same hamster-wheel of not being sure why you are doing anything.
You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want to achieve - more "stuff" in the garage? more time for hobbies/wife? more feel-good factor in work? more plaudits?
Lots to think about, the problem is I want to almost reinvent myself.
welshjon81 said:
Have kids. I'm forty and have a four year old and an almost thirteen year old. I don't have time to over analyse anything, it's great! (Honest).
There's the problem, I have no desire to have children, I wonder how many men REALLY do want to have kids? I know some will but I wonder if there is a silent proportion who got thrust into the situation and are just living with it because that is what is expected of them?I find them irritating and I enjoy doing what I want (yes, I'm selfish, but I know it), My other half is exactly the same, she's even passed the 30YO mark where things get a bit broody
CountVacillate said:
Ok so I'm new here, but have been frequenting the forum for years.
In two weeks time I turn 40.
I know it's stereotypical and cliché, but I have been really thinking about my life and reflecting.
I don't feel successful or happy, I really do not know what to do with my life.
I have a house, a soon to be wife, a great dog and two cats, a self converted and engineered MX5 turbo and Clio cup on the drive, a degree from a top 10 UK uni, a Postgrad degree, Engineering qualifications, travelled a fair amount etc so I SHOULD be happy and feel I've achieved something, but at my core I don't feel proud of myself
Can you make a fresh start at 40?
I mean everything, the way you live, the way you think (less negative, more outgoing, more 'YES' rather than 'NO'), start a business etc?
How do I even start?
It feels too much like the largest tangle of bloody wires behind a TV!
A great dog but just a soon to be wife? In two weeks time I turn 40.
I know it's stereotypical and cliché, but I have been really thinking about my life and reflecting.
I don't feel successful or happy, I really do not know what to do with my life.
I have a house, a soon to be wife, a great dog and two cats, a self converted and engineered MX5 turbo and Clio cup on the drive, a degree from a top 10 UK uni, a Postgrad degree, Engineering qualifications, travelled a fair amount etc so I SHOULD be happy and feel I've achieved something, but at my core I don't feel proud of myself
Can you make a fresh start at 40?
I mean everything, the way you live, the way you think (less negative, more outgoing, more 'YES' rather than 'NO'), start a business etc?
How do I even start?
It feels too much like the largest tangle of bloody wires behind a TV!
There's your issue
boyse7en said:
Reinvent yourself as what? that's the question...
A better person really, I have one friend. that is it, he is a very good friend mind, I'd like to have more friends and a social circle.
I used to have a good few friends, then I had a serious eye problem and had multiple surgeries, for months (turned into 2 years) I was in bed recovering (it's complex). I had no texts, no visits, no cards.
That was when I realised I had been associating with bad people, I was there to make up the numbers at the pub, they'd be your best mate in the pub on the night, but when it came to real friendship and support, there was nothing. It affected me quite badly if I am honest.
Bill said:
Midlife crisis?!?
You're 40. You've been working 17 years ish and have probably the same to go, if not 20-30 more. Plenty of time so find something to be proud of.
Am I helping??
You put a big smiley but it's a serious point. For lots of people - and, sad to say, men in particular - 40 is a key milestone where you start to look at your life and think that you haven't achieved what you wanted to. You don't have the job you expected, you don't have the money, lifestyle, car, hairstyle...whatever it is, there's something you aren't happy with. And suddenly what you thought was plenty of time isn't any more, and you can see younger people being more successful than you. It's a very real effect and for whatever reason, surveys have shown that people (again, in particular men) suffer a noticeable drop in happiness and increase in reported stress levels in their 40s.You're 40. You've been working 17 years ish and have probably the same to go, if not 20-30 more. Plenty of time so find something to be proud of.
Am I helping??
But actually, at 40 it is absolutely not a bad idea or a bad time to take stock. What, actually, do you want out of life? What is important? Despite what you might feel, you do still have plenty of time left so whilst it's harder to reinvent yourself at 40 than it is at 20 or 30, it's definitely not impossible.
I guess my point really is that no, you're not going mad and yes, it's very common to feel like this. But it's up to you what you do next.
At 40 I felt similar.
I took stock. Discussed my feelings with my wife & doubled down on what’s important.
Our relationship.
My health.
Our kids.
In the last 4 years things have improved dramatically.
Now feel very much where I thought I should be at 44.
Jordan Peterson says ‘pick one thing, just one aspect of your life & put all your effort into it & see what happens’.
There’s a lot of sense to that.
The other test my wife has is she imagines her 18 year old self, her ‘true self’ if you like walking into her life & what she would say;
So what would your 18 year old self say?
MX-5 turbo? Qualifications? Job? House? Mrs.?
Jordan Peterson again:
“Don’t compare yourself to who someone else is today, but with who you were yesterday.”
I took stock. Discussed my feelings with my wife & doubled down on what’s important.
Our relationship.
My health.
Our kids.
In the last 4 years things have improved dramatically.
Now feel very much where I thought I should be at 44.
Jordan Peterson says ‘pick one thing, just one aspect of your life & put all your effort into it & see what happens’.
There’s a lot of sense to that.
The other test my wife has is she imagines her 18 year old self, her ‘true self’ if you like walking into her life & what she would say;
So what would your 18 year old self say?
MX-5 turbo? Qualifications? Job? House? Mrs.?
Jordan Peterson again:
“Don’t compare yourself to who someone else is today, but with who you were yesterday.”
Agree that comparing yourself with others is a waste.
I got divorced at 45, gave away everything to my ex, moved into a small rental and decided to drive hard at my career. I was flat broke and had only my clothes.
I got on with work, joined a gym more or less to fill the time.
Two years later, moved cities, better job, interesting work, new relationship. Had one son from first marriage (great relationship), no kids from second marriage, and then went through three distinct careers for different businesses, now do Board work.
I would agree that you can not change everything. My solution was to make career progress so I could later afford to fix the rest. (I still work at 73 because I love it, but that is not a majority position). Lots of new experiences around the world and continue to keep on trucking.
I got divorced at 45, gave away everything to my ex, moved into a small rental and decided to drive hard at my career. I was flat broke and had only my clothes.
I got on with work, joined a gym more or less to fill the time.
Two years later, moved cities, better job, interesting work, new relationship. Had one son from first marriage (great relationship), no kids from second marriage, and then went through three distinct careers for different businesses, now do Board work.
I would agree that you can not change everything. My solution was to make career progress so I could later afford to fix the rest. (I still work at 73 because I love it, but that is not a majority position). Lots of new experiences around the world and continue to keep on trucking.
Not sure if I can help, but in your initial post you mention lots of nouns (objects) such as house, dog, impending wife, cars etc. (And a verb, travelling......plus things you did 20 years ago)
To me, it feels like you need some more verbs, perhaps with other people. (So not going to the gym/ pub) Sounds a little sad, but clubs or volunteering will open up more satisfying activities and a social group with a common interest.
I am perhaps similar in approach, but have two kids - which I accept is not for everyone, but I have made some great new friends through football clubs, school events, cubs, dance competitions etc. Now I have a vibrant and active (for me) social life. Obviously, you don't need kids to start this off......
To me, it feels like you need some more verbs, perhaps with other people. (So not going to the gym/ pub) Sounds a little sad, but clubs or volunteering will open up more satisfying activities and a social group with a common interest.
I am perhaps similar in approach, but have two kids - which I accept is not for everyone, but I have made some great new friends through football clubs, school events, cubs, dance competitions etc. Now I have a vibrant and active (for me) social life. Obviously, you don't need kids to start this off......
CountVacillate said:
welshjon81 said:
Have kids. I'm forty and have a four year old and an almost thirteen year old. I don't have time to over analyse anything, it's great! (Honest).
There's the problem, I have no desire to have children, I wonder how many men REALLY do want to have kids? I know some will but I wonder if there is a silent proportion who got thrust into the situation and are just living with it because that is what is expected of them?I find them irritating and I enjoy doing what I want (yes, I'm selfish, but I know it), My other half is exactly the same, she's even passed the 30YO mark where things get a bit broody
Literally the best thing that's ever happened to me by about a thousand times and I've had some good times.
mike9009 said:
Not sure if I can help, but in your initial post you mention lots of nouns (objects) such as house, dog, impending wife, cars etc. (And a verb, travelling......plus things you did 20 years ago)
To me, it feels like you need some more verbs, perhaps with other people. (So not going to the gym/ pub) Sounds a little sad, but clubs or volunteering will open up more satisfying activities and a social group with a common interest.
That's a beautiful way of putting it. Nouns don't make you happy - verbs do.To me, it feels like you need some more verbs, perhaps with other people. (So not going to the gym/ pub) Sounds a little sad, but clubs or volunteering will open up more satisfying activities and a social group with a common interest.
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