No (good) time to die.
Discussion
This is not my usual account. I’d prefer to keep this private, so please bear with me.
I have prostate cancer. I had a radical prostatectomy two years ago and it has come back.
I am due to have a scan soon, which hopefully will tell me where it is. If it is somewhere that makes it uncurable, it’s probably going to kill me sooner or later. I think the course of action will be initially nothing, followed by hormone therapy, chemotherapy and then, at some point in the future, death.
If the cancer is potentially curable, things become more complicated. It might well involve radiotherapy for a number of weeks alongside and followed by hormone therapy for two or three years. I might be finished for my 60th birthday.
I am given to understand from people who’ve had it that hormone therapy it is not very nice. The impression I have is that I will basically be surviving for its duration.
Then what? I MIGHT celebrate my 60th birthday cancer-free. But my primary cancer was aggressive (Gleason 8, T3A, PSA nearly 30), so there is about an evens chance that I won’t.
If I do nothing now, I may live many years before the cancer kills me.
If I take action now, I may live as long as my parents, who were mid-80s when they expired. I may live longer.
The question that I am currently wrestling with is: Do I want to sacrifice three years of my “prime” for an evens chance of becoming an old man?
As I type this on a sunny Sunday October morning, I don’t think I do.
What would you do?
I have prostate cancer. I had a radical prostatectomy two years ago and it has come back.
I am due to have a scan soon, which hopefully will tell me where it is. If it is somewhere that makes it uncurable, it’s probably going to kill me sooner or later. I think the course of action will be initially nothing, followed by hormone therapy, chemotherapy and then, at some point in the future, death.
If the cancer is potentially curable, things become more complicated. It might well involve radiotherapy for a number of weeks alongside and followed by hormone therapy for two or three years. I might be finished for my 60th birthday.
I am given to understand from people who’ve had it that hormone therapy it is not very nice. The impression I have is that I will basically be surviving for its duration.
Then what? I MIGHT celebrate my 60th birthday cancer-free. But my primary cancer was aggressive (Gleason 8, T3A, PSA nearly 30), so there is about an evens chance that I won’t.
If I do nothing now, I may live many years before the cancer kills me.
If I take action now, I may live as long as my parents, who were mid-80s when they expired. I may live longer.
The question that I am currently wrestling with is: Do I want to sacrifice three years of my “prime” for an evens chance of becoming an old man?
As I type this on a sunny Sunday October morning, I don’t think I do.
What would you do?
Not had cancer so that puts me at a disadvantage on advising....
however I did go through a pretty bad accident years ago. And i can say that if I had passed away in the accident then i would have missed out on so much. there is no eay decision but there is also an apathy an impression that what is meant to be is meant to be. That isnt the case at all.
Life is wonderful it is something unique and to be enjoyed and your quality of life is more important than the length of life. No one wnats to be in a coma on a machine till they reach 100 - thats no life. but if you can have a viable life that is rewarding then that is that.
cancer treatments these days can work wonders - you can discuss with a treatment advisor, go through the options and find out the information regarding on how the disease and the treatment will have an impact on your life, what mitigation can be put in place to deal with the issues ? would you still be able to live a productive life.
its a hell of a rough ride this but there are people out there that can talk and can help. that can put you through to the right people. you dont have to suffer this on your own.
however I did go through a pretty bad accident years ago. And i can say that if I had passed away in the accident then i would have missed out on so much. there is no eay decision but there is also an apathy an impression that what is meant to be is meant to be. That isnt the case at all.
Life is wonderful it is something unique and to be enjoyed and your quality of life is more important than the length of life. No one wnats to be in a coma on a machine till they reach 100 - thats no life. but if you can have a viable life that is rewarding then that is that.
cancer treatments these days can work wonders - you can discuss with a treatment advisor, go through the options and find out the information regarding on how the disease and the treatment will have an impact on your life, what mitigation can be put in place to deal with the issues ? would you still be able to live a productive life.
its a hell of a rough ride this but there are people out there that can talk and can help. that can put you through to the right people. you dont have to suffer this on your own.
I would wait for the outcome of the scan, at that point I would decide to either have no treatment and live the best life I could with the time I had left. However, only you know what your wider circumstances are in terms others around and the impact it will have on them, tough decisions to make on your own.
happychap said:
I would wait for the outcome of the scan, at that point I would decide to either have no treatment and live the best life I could with the time I had left. However, only you know what your wider circumstances are in terms others around and the impact it will have on them, tough decisions to make on your own.
The scan will only have a 25% chance of showing the problem.I have three teenage daughters and a wife. Whatever happens I should see them go to university. I may not see them marry.
MJC63 said:
The scan will only have a 25% chance of showing the problem.
I have three teenage daughters and a wife. Whatever happens I should see them go to university. I may not see them marry.
I would imagine your wife and children would want you to be around for as long as possible, only you can decide if being available to your family, despite the difficulties the treatment will challenge you with. We/I tend to take our life for granted and waste time on un important stuff, you have an opportunity to define what the rest of your life will be like.I have three teenage daughters and a wife. Whatever happens I should see them go to university. I may not see them marry.
happychap said:
MJC63 said:
The scan will only have a 25% chance of showing the problem.
I have three teenage daughters and a wife. Whatever happens I should see them go to university. I may not see them marry.
I would imagine your wife and children would want you to be around for as long as possible, only you can decide if being available to your family, despite the difficulties the treatment will challenge you with. We/I tend to take our life for granted and waste time on un important stuff, you have an opportunity to define what the rest of your life will be like.I have three teenage daughters and a wife. Whatever happens I should see them go to university. I may not see them marry.
Do I try and survive at any cost, to be there for my family as long as possible? My daughters don't currently know I have cancer. The RP was explained away as a routine stomach surgery.
Since my RP I have absolutely lived my life. It also made me realise that my financial life needed to be made WAY more straightforward, in case someone else needed to pick up the reins.
Hoofy said:
You're too young to be dying if the cancer is curable!
It's 50-50 curable, based on the stats.Do I forego my life and particularly my sex life for 3 years for a 50% chance? I could go through 3 years of unpleasantness to not be cured or to be cured and then succumb to something else?
Also, having treatment brings with it risks. My cancer journey is a story of medical cockups and I have to factor in further gaffes as a possibility.
From what I'm reading, you are understandably very down about this. Your glass is very much half empty this morning.
However, you have not been told you have no chance, you have said it's 50/50. I have no idea if that is right or not, but given any chance of any quality of life, I would take the gamble. You haven't had the treatment yet, you don't know really what it will be like. It affects different people in different ways.
Easy to say, not so easy to do, but you need to out it to the back of your mind today and analyse how you feel about everyday things. For example, your wife's roast dinner, your daughters doing something very mundane. Sitting in front of the fire later with a whisky. Look at the simple things and evaluate what you'd be missing and what you'd take away from your family by not taking the gamble.
However, you have not been told you have no chance, you have said it's 50/50. I have no idea if that is right or not, but given any chance of any quality of life, I would take the gamble. You haven't had the treatment yet, you don't know really what it will be like. It affects different people in different ways.
Easy to say, not so easy to do, but you need to out it to the back of your mind today and analyse how you feel about everyday things. For example, your wife's roast dinner, your daughters doing something very mundane. Sitting in front of the fire later with a whisky. Look at the simple things and evaluate what you'd be missing and what you'd take away from your family by not taking the gamble.
Tyre Smoke said:
Easy to say, not so easy to do, but you need to out it to the back of your mind today and analyse how you feel about everyday things. For example, your wife's roast dinner, your daughters doing something very mundane. Sitting in front of the fire later with a whisky. Look at the simple things and evaluate what you'd be missing and what you'd take away from your family by not taking the gamble.
Ironic that you should make these points, because these are some of the things that (aside from watching mundane stuff) will be precluded if I opt for hormone therapy.The drug that has been suggested doesn't mix well with alcohol. It also tends to make you gain weight. Given that I struggle to keep my weight down even now, with normal testosterone, I will likely be on a very strict diet for 3 years.
So there will be no kicking back and waiting for it to pass.
Oh, and unless I take tamoxifen I will also grow boobs.
On a positive note, I will technically qualify for the GB women's teams at the 2024 olympics.
MJC63 said:
Ironic that you should make these points,
Oh, and unless I take tamoxifen I will also grow boobs.
On a positive note, .......
Right there - upsides to everything. Oh, and unless I take tamoxifen I will also grow boobs.
On a positive note, .......
Best of luck OP, sounds an awful decision to make. But you have to choose life as long as possible, because the alternative is worse.
MJC63 said:
It's 50-50 curable, based on the stats.
Do I forego my life and particularly my sex life for 3 years for a 50% chance? I could go through 3 years of unpleasantness to not be cured or to be cured and then succumb to something else?
Also, having treatment brings with it risks. My cancer journey is a story of medical cockups and I have to factor in further gaffes as a possibility.
You’re approaching a life stage and an opportunity to decide at some level what happens next. You’re going into this next stage with more insight as to what you need from the Dr who will be treating you. Maybe involving your family in what happens next may also help you decide. I understand why you haven’t made your children aware of your health issues, but you might want to consider how they will feel if your health deteriorates rapidly or they suddenly see you in the Olympics’ Do I forego my life and particularly my sex life for 3 years for a 50% chance? I could go through 3 years of unpleasantness to not be cured or to be cured and then succumb to something else?
Also, having treatment brings with it risks. My cancer journey is a story of medical cockups and I have to factor in further gaffes as a possibility.
f
k 
I don’t know who you are, I doubt we’ve ever met, but chuffin hell, that’s a tough read.
I don’t know what to say or what to advise at this present moment in time, but I couldn’t just read and leave without commenting. My thoughts are with you at what must be an unimaginably awful time.
I’ll have a think of something more constructive to write and will be back later this evening.
Keep your chin up fella.
k I don’t know who you are, I doubt we’ve ever met, but chuffin hell, that’s a tough read.
I don’t know what to say or what to advise at this present moment in time, but I couldn’t just read and leave without commenting. My thoughts are with you at what must be an unimaginably awful time.
I’ll have a think of something more constructive to write and will be back later this evening.
Keep your chin up fella.
MJC63 said:
Hoofy said:
You're too young to be dying if the cancer is curable!
It's 50-50 curable, based on the stats.Do I forego my life and particularly my sex life for 3 years for a 50% chance? I could go through 3 years of unpleasantness to not be cured or to be cured and then succumb to something else?
Also, having treatment brings with it risks. My cancer journey is a story of medical cockups and I have to factor in further gaffes as a possibility.
My dad was older than you when he died of cancer and he still fought for 2 years. It was a struggle but the upside was worth the risk.
And another.... dont hide it or faff around 'protecting feelings'
if you dont let your kids know then that isnt fair on them. Your only building up the hurt. keep them involved. let them be part of this.
My ex used to say the hardest thing for the ones left behind was not having had the time to reconnect or to say things they wanted to say. That hurt them the most.
if you dont let your kids know then that isnt fair on them. Your only building up the hurt. keep them involved. let them be part of this.
My ex used to say the hardest thing for the ones left behind was not having had the time to reconnect or to say things they wanted to say. That hurt them the most.
A family member not much older than you had similar.. Prostate cancer, very high psa, bladder and prostate removed, radiotherapy, hormone therapy. The year leading up to and the year after were undeniably rough but now, some 5 years later you wouldn't know. Same hobbies as before, same level of activity.
He's perhaps slightly more in touch with his feelings than he was before, but arrival of grandchildren could also explain that.
He's perhaps slightly more in touch with his feelings than he was before, but arrival of grandchildren could also explain that.
Sorry to read that.
MIL had a very similar choice at 58, ovarian cancer which had spread to her stomach (or the other way around, I can’t quite remember), scans showed markers In her lymph nodes too.
She had to have a colostomy to support the treatment but now 2 years later she is still her and was back to ‘normal’ after about 12 months.
Doctors gave her a much lower chance of survival than you have, they really can work miracles nowadays.
60 is no age, I’d speak with your family and get their input too, I am sure you already know their answer!
All the best with it.
MIL had a very similar choice at 58, ovarian cancer which had spread to her stomach (or the other way around, I can’t quite remember), scans showed markers In her lymph nodes too.
She had to have a colostomy to support the treatment but now 2 years later she is still her and was back to ‘normal’ after about 12 months.
Doctors gave her a much lower chance of survival than you have, they really can work miracles nowadays.
60 is no age, I’d speak with your family and get their input too, I am sure you already know their answer!
All the best with it.
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