Getting help around the house for my dad

[johnpsanderson]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, and yesterday was going to post a long ‘venting to random strangers on the Internet’ post, but 24 hrs later, I guess I just need to get on and sort this.

It turns out my dad (alone since my mum died just under 2 years ago, up until then had single handedly been looking after her) could do with help with the basic household duties, changing the beds, getting the washing machine filled/emptied/ etc. We all live hours away from him, and he’s simply not told us how hard daily tasks have been for him, until he’s had several falls in the last couple of weeks, presumably because he’s exhausted. Apparently changing the bedding takes him 2hrs because he keeps having to stop and have a rest whilst trying to get it done…

As we all live hours away, there’s no chance of family popping round to help him out, so we need to get someone in. I’ll be applying for ‘Attendance Allowance’ to fund, but will suggest I just start paying any bills directly for him sooner than that. No idea where to start with this. I tried to get help for my mum back in 2019 just before she died and the social care people at the council basically said “it’ll take months to get anything in place and we won’t fund anything if he has any sort of asset”. He doesn’t need to be in an old people’s home with someone spooning food into his mouth, wants a level of independence and I think isn’t ready to leave his current house.

Pension income is negligible, but as he owns his own house I’m expecting there’s minimal financial assistance that will be coming his way beyond the attendance allowance.

Can anyone with recent experience share how they tackled this sort of situation? (We will talk to him about the longer term, please move into a smaller house where me or my brother live, and then we can take care of your directly - but I need the more immediate ‘regular help where he is’ solution for now…)

Sorry, it turned into a bit of a vent…

[23.7]

A pal of mine and his brothers funded a taxi account locally to his mum.

The deal was taxi would be on call whenever she wanted (club, shopping, friends etc) but she would never see a fare.

All worked well. Could you do something similar with a home help? Local face book page should help find someone.

[condor]

Our local FB page has a couple of home help type private businesses. We did have a helpful neighbour scheme too, but not sure if that's still running.
Also ring 'help the aged', they should be able to help with their locally vetted people or they'll be able to suggest what other help might be available.
Whereabouts does your Dad live?

[Maracus]

My wife works for Home Instead Senior Care. It's a franchise care giver.

She really enjoys working for them, and it sounds like they would provide all of your requirements.

[PorkyBlinders]

Maybe a retirement apartment nearer tot he family, still have his independence but also close to family?

[pills]

Contact your local councils social care department, they will assign a social worker to assess his needs and work out a care package for him.

[steveo3002]

£10-15 ph cleaner to change the bed and load the washing machine...as many hours as he/you can afford ?

if he doesnt need bathing /dressing /toilet etc an honest cleaner will do

[aparna]

I would call up the council and ask to speak to a social worker. Get on their books. In the mean time ask them for recommendations for a private home care service to visit for an hour a day.

The cost is pennies compared to the care home required, if he continues to have falls as a direct result of being overworked.

Even if you have assets and have to pay, it can be very useful to have a social worker involved to guide and advise.

You mind find the biggest challenge is convincing him to concede he needs help and to accept the help. It is fairly likely he will have some reaction against the invasion of privacy.,

[Riley Blue]

pills said:

Contact your local councils social care department, they will assign a social worker to assess his needs and work out a care package for him.

This is what we did in identical circumstances to the OP. The council (Medway) were superb and soon had various measures in place to ensure my Dad was safe in his house, received a hot meal a day, had help get up and get to bed and (the bit he liked the most I suspect) two ladies came once a week to give him a bath.

[The Moose]

Isn’t this a job for an independent cleaner who will informally report back to you as well as taking care of those tasks?

[23.7]

PorkyBlinders said:

Maybe a retirement apartment nearer tot he family, still have his independence but also close to family?

Sometimes this is the answer, in my mums case not. She had friends in the village, and wanted to stay there, not start again.

MIL was a different kettle of fish and wanted to be near daughter. Don't even suggest a retirement place though, 'too full of old people'

[johnpsanderson]

Thanks all, you’re covering all the bases that we’ve discussed in the family. I think the fact he told me what the true situation is means we’ve crossed the ‘convincing him things need to change’ threshold.

A problem (which I appreciate is a nice one to have compared to many elderly peoples situations) is that although cash poor and with paltry income, he’s in a 4 bed house so realistically needs to downsize. Where I live (200 miles away) that’s not likely to fund much, where my brother lives (150 miles the other direction) I expect it’d buy him a small mansion. Since mum died he has no real reason to stay where he is currently, but a move in either direction would need to be all the way to one or the other of us, or be a bit pointless. Probably going to be hard to convince him to make that choice…

[Konrod]

Had a similar situation. My FiL lived on his own in a large old house which was quite isolated, and at the top of steep drive. He gradually got to the point where the house was too big and he couldn't walk well enough to get up and down the drive. We could see him getting depressed, to the point of saying life wasn't worth it, but we also live 150 miles away. He consistently said he couldn't afford to move but kept his finances private (understandably).

The answer for us was to almost kidnap him when we were up there for the weekend and take him to look at a new Macarthy and Stone (other such companies are available) development. It made him see there were options - he even opened up to me about his finances and I could show him that not only could he afford it, he would have extra money to invest from his house sale. Some may sneer at older people residences, but it has been a life saver for him. The place is physically set up for older people, and it comes with a social life. It has really turned his life around to the point that he is too busy socialising to talk sometimes.

Seriously, he will be better off nearer to you or your brother in somewhere designed for his age group.

[Octoposse]

I was doing all the shopping, etc, for my mum (she has a mixture of physical frailty and lifelong mental illness - bizarrely, the latter getting better as dementia creeps in).

About three years ago my wife and I plus child were planning a three week holiday in Canada, and luckily I started looking for a pop-in carer / shopper months in advance . . . because it took months.

In the end it was a word-of-mouth mutual friend recommendation, and I found a lady who was looking for exactly that work a few hours a week to top up her income.

Then I applied for Attendance Allowance and - again luckily - my mother signed the forms to get it paid into my account. A guy from DWP (or whatever they’re called now) actually visited to check all was in order. That money just about covers the carer’s ten quid an hour, shopping, and the occasional bill that isn’t on Direct Debit, as I have no access to my Mum’s savings (and neither does she effectively!).

[Audicab]

steveo3002 said:

£10-15 ph cleaner to change the bed and load the washing machine...as many hours as he/you can afford ?

if he doesnt need bathing /dressing /toilet etc an honest cleaner will do

This is exactly what we have done with my dad, we pay an agency a small charge to cover insurance, holidays etc. and pay the cleaner direct. She changes the bed, does his washing and ironing, checks the fridge for food etc. anything we ask her to do each week really.

It's worked really well and costs £200 per month for 4 hours per week.