Stuck in unhappy marriage
Discussion
May not be the best place to post this and know many on here suffering with more serious and important things than me, posting under a spare username - I just need to know there is someone out there who may have experienced something similar, just a kindred spirit would mean something this evening as I'm at my wits end..
Been with my partner for around 10 years. We have children. I work a lot so I never had an amazing social life before we met. When we met it had been a while since my last long relationship was after a string of poor/average dates and everything with us was just natural. Not unbelievable passion but fantastic at times and mostly steady - I guess this is what you want for a long term relationship. On paper we should work really well. I cant help thinking as years gone by though that I should have thought about different aspects of our personality and whether this was what I really needed for my life. I seem to learn some lessons too late and I bet others would have thought about this more consciously than I did - i.e. is this just OK or is this forever material? Those with better social lives and parents who talk through this sort of stuff (although I appreciate the latter is rare) may have passed and waited for something else. Getting married seemed like a good idea at the time but in hindsight may not be enough or me desperately wanting, needing to have this person in my life forever about all else.
Fast forward to now, I'm desperately unhappy. My wife seems to have little or no understanding of others emotions. I'm usually a very happy, upbeat, positive person. However I am human and need some support from my partner - but If I'm stressed, on occasion seem down or quiet, she doesnt know how to help and this very quickly translates *from her perspective* that I'm being moody and she thinks I'm giving her a hard time. I've lost count of the times I've felt desperately alone in the universe in the evening when she's already gone bed and clearly I've had a really bad day and when she does notice shes like a deer in the headlights. After several sessions with a therapist his ending advice was "if/when she bothers you, just dont let her bother you" - thats where we got to after lots of discussions. So I've tried to live my life accepting I have no support beyond surface level day to day stuff. But I am a human being and I feel like I'm in it alone in life. The things she says flippantly when I'm having difficulties in life (as we all do from time to time) or when I'm trying to talk through with her why I'm unhappy just emphasise how little it seems she really cares. Talking things through is supposed to help but she never gets it, never changes anything, talking feels like a complete waste of time now. Me having a hard time to her now is just be not being tough. Being around her at the moment depresses me.
The idea of being single again, building friendships and being able to date sounds so exciting right now. I know in reality though from the past its more of a paint, filled with wasted time dating people before finding someone decent and I do wonder if I'm just being "grass is greener". Getting out to make more friendships is obviously a close second and would hopefully compliment my marriage - been difficult over the last year obviously and I cant help feeling that I'd want to make some female friends too but I cant can I and that seems too close to cheating which isnt me. Maybe I just need some mates? But isnt this relationship level support I'm missing?
Relationships take work I get that. I'm just never having any fun. Cant remember the last time I really had fun with her. I remember from a relationship when I was younger desperately wanting to see her, nothing better than spending time with her. I just dont have that anymore. Does this even really exist in proper adult life or are all marriages basically just a hassle?
Life is so short though and I cant bear the feeling all the time that I'm wasting my life with this. I can't leave her though. I can't leave my children. What sort of father would I be. It has to be better for them to have a family unit. So I have to put on my best act and brave face all the time that I'm happy so they dont notice otherwise but this is such an exhausting effort. It also makes it feel more impossible to leave for the fact that UK law is so unfair I'd not only lose my children from my full time life (women usually get custody it seems and she'd probably move miles away to be closer to her family) but I'd ALSO have to pay her off with half my money when she still has a very decent job - just a slap in the face for the higher earner (sic usually male). No wonder so many men in the movies are terrified their wife will divorce them. Plus the fantasy of being a really social person and going out a lot could very easily be me alone in a sad flat - i.e. it could be so much worse than it is now. So basically I dont have a choice to get on with it. I'll be dead in a few decades I guess I better make the most of it. Perhaps I'm just down at the moment but I'm desperately unhappy to my bones, just cant bear it.
Sorry for the long rant. Life isnt easy sometimes and nothing worth doing is easy. I'm just hoping there are one or two of you out there who have gone through something similar and can offer some kind words or advice? Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Been with my partner for around 10 years. We have children. I work a lot so I never had an amazing social life before we met. When we met it had been a while since my last long relationship was after a string of poor/average dates and everything with us was just natural. Not unbelievable passion but fantastic at times and mostly steady - I guess this is what you want for a long term relationship. On paper we should work really well. I cant help thinking as years gone by though that I should have thought about different aspects of our personality and whether this was what I really needed for my life. I seem to learn some lessons too late and I bet others would have thought about this more consciously than I did - i.e. is this just OK or is this forever material? Those with better social lives and parents who talk through this sort of stuff (although I appreciate the latter is rare) may have passed and waited for something else. Getting married seemed like a good idea at the time but in hindsight may not be enough or me desperately wanting, needing to have this person in my life forever about all else.
Fast forward to now, I'm desperately unhappy. My wife seems to have little or no understanding of others emotions. I'm usually a very happy, upbeat, positive person. However I am human and need some support from my partner - but If I'm stressed, on occasion seem down or quiet, she doesnt know how to help and this very quickly translates *from her perspective* that I'm being moody and she thinks I'm giving her a hard time. I've lost count of the times I've felt desperately alone in the universe in the evening when she's already gone bed and clearly I've had a really bad day and when she does notice shes like a deer in the headlights. After several sessions with a therapist his ending advice was "if/when she bothers you, just dont let her bother you" - thats where we got to after lots of discussions. So I've tried to live my life accepting I have no support beyond surface level day to day stuff. But I am a human being and I feel like I'm in it alone in life. The things she says flippantly when I'm having difficulties in life (as we all do from time to time) or when I'm trying to talk through with her why I'm unhappy just emphasise how little it seems she really cares. Talking things through is supposed to help but she never gets it, never changes anything, talking feels like a complete waste of time now. Me having a hard time to her now is just be not being tough. Being around her at the moment depresses me.
The idea of being single again, building friendships and being able to date sounds so exciting right now. I know in reality though from the past its more of a paint, filled with wasted time dating people before finding someone decent and I do wonder if I'm just being "grass is greener". Getting out to make more friendships is obviously a close second and would hopefully compliment my marriage - been difficult over the last year obviously and I cant help feeling that I'd want to make some female friends too but I cant can I and that seems too close to cheating which isnt me. Maybe I just need some mates? But isnt this relationship level support I'm missing?
Relationships take work I get that. I'm just never having any fun. Cant remember the last time I really had fun with her. I remember from a relationship when I was younger desperately wanting to see her, nothing better than spending time with her. I just dont have that anymore. Does this even really exist in proper adult life or are all marriages basically just a hassle?
Life is so short though and I cant bear the feeling all the time that I'm wasting my life with this. I can't leave her though. I can't leave my children. What sort of father would I be. It has to be better for them to have a family unit. So I have to put on my best act and brave face all the time that I'm happy so they dont notice otherwise but this is such an exhausting effort. It also makes it feel more impossible to leave for the fact that UK law is so unfair I'd not only lose my children from my full time life (women usually get custody it seems and she'd probably move miles away to be closer to her family) but I'd ALSO have to pay her off with half my money when she still has a very decent job - just a slap in the face for the higher earner (sic usually male). No wonder so many men in the movies are terrified their wife will divorce them. Plus the fantasy of being a really social person and going out a lot could very easily be me alone in a sad flat - i.e. it could be so much worse than it is now. So basically I dont have a choice to get on with it. I'll be dead in a few decades I guess I better make the most of it. Perhaps I'm just down at the moment but I'm desperately unhappy to my bones, just cant bear it.
Sorry for the long rant. Life isnt easy sometimes and nothing worth doing is easy. I'm just hoping there are one or two of you out there who have gone through something similar and can offer some kind words or advice? Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Edited by rgp77 on Friday 24th September 22:35
I can understand how you're feeling, I had a previous marriage where I was desperately unhappy. Ended that, and am now in another relationship where I'm desperately unhappy! I have had counseling and it helped for a time.
How is the interaction with you all as a family? You mentioned children, how old are they? Are they taking up all the attention of your wife? I've seen this with friends (don't have any children myself) and it's really hard to get a balance when kids are young. Is there any way you can arrange a date night with your wife where it's just the two of you and you go out, like you used to?
I will say that it's taken so much courage to post how you feel, and I can assure you that the grass is never greener.
How is the interaction with you all as a family? You mentioned children, how old are they? Are they taking up all the attention of your wife? I've seen this with friends (don't have any children myself) and it's really hard to get a balance when kids are young. Is there any way you can arrange a date night with your wife where it's just the two of you and you go out, like you used to?
I will say that it's taken so much courage to post how you feel, and I can assure you that the grass is never greener.
“I've lost count of the times I've felt desperately alone in the universe in the evening when she's already gone bed and clearly I've had a really bad day”
Is the issue really just your wife?, maybe your job, social life or lockdown is equally to blame.
Do you have couples therapy or is the therapy just for you?
Not to sound uncaring but it does sound like a grass is greener episode. I have two young children and quality time with my wife can be hard to get, I do not expect her to be my therapist but I do expect her to support me when I need a minute or a break....I also make sure she is offered the same, if you can look in the mirror and say you offer her what you expect in the relationship then maybe you are better apart.
Either way I hope you find some happiness.
Is the issue really just your wife?, maybe your job, social life or lockdown is equally to blame.
Do you have couples therapy or is the therapy just for you?
Not to sound uncaring but it does sound like a grass is greener episode. I have two young children and quality time with my wife can be hard to get, I do not expect her to be my therapist but I do expect her to support me when I need a minute or a break....I also make sure she is offered the same, if you can look in the mirror and say you offer her what you expect in the relationship then maybe you are better apart.
Either way I hope you find some happiness.
Is it just that you feel alone? That she behaves in a possibly narcissistic way? What if you were really alone and had nobody to support you - would you be better off then? I can't help but feel that there are many many single people who have no parents and no partner to talk their problems through with, and they just have to get on with it. I bet they wish they had someone in their life to talk to. In fact I know they do. My only living parent has dementia and can say the most hurtful things without meaning to. I certainly can't talk to her. And I have a stressful job and nobody to talk about it with. And I really wish I did.
You have a family unit and you have children and it seems to don't hate each other. It's just that your wife isn't supportive of you. Think carefully about whether life would be better if you lost your home, your children and your marriage. Would you really feel better? Or a lot worse?
The thrill of the chase when you're free to date again may seem exciting, but proceed VERY carefully indeed.
You have a family unit and you have children and it seems to don't hate each other. It's just that your wife isn't supportive of you. Think carefully about whether life would be better if you lost your home, your children and your marriage. Would you really feel better? Or a lot worse?
The thrill of the chase when you're free to date again may seem exciting, but proceed VERY carefully indeed.
I'm in Northampton if you want a beer and to shoot the s
t about cars or whatever.
Was in a relationship with a violent suicidal alcoholic for years, did at least make me a good listener though
You're quite possibly depressed, and a lot of people for all the good will in the world do not understand it and will often make it worse despite meaning well. I know as I was one of those people before I then had depression myself for 5 or 6 years.
Staying together with a brave face isn't necessarily best for the kids. I'm sure others will chime in with first hand experience, but generally the gist here tends to be that the kids can tell, and ultimately by being miserable but pretending not to be etc, they're being deprived of their real dad and not setting good relationship precedents.
You could always try the nuclear option and just ask your wife frankly whether she feels like the two of you are still working, and whether she's considered divorce.
Wish you all the best anyway, welcome to PM me if you want to chat or vent etc.
t about cars or whatever. Was in a relationship with a violent suicidal alcoholic for years, did at least make me a good listener though
You're quite possibly depressed, and a lot of people for all the good will in the world do not understand it and will often make it worse despite meaning well. I know as I was one of those people before I then had depression myself for 5 or 6 years.
Staying together with a brave face isn't necessarily best for the kids. I'm sure others will chime in with first hand experience, but generally the gist here tends to be that the kids can tell, and ultimately by being miserable but pretending not to be etc, they're being deprived of their real dad and not setting good relationship precedents.
You could always try the nuclear option and just ask your wife frankly whether she feels like the two of you are still working, and whether she's considered divorce.
Wish you all the best anyway, welcome to PM me if you want to chat or vent etc.
OP.
Have you properly talked to her been totally honest.
You have kids and if you went down the divorce route there would be consequences, you’d only get to see them every other weekend you’d lose half your pension likely the marital home and have to pay spousal maintenance and child support.
You’ll likely not be able to buy an equivalent house in fact say you were in a nice 3 bed semi you may struggle to get a stty studio in a rough area.
That aside maybe that is the best outcome?
You say you feel so lonely/no friends. Easiest way to change that is to take up a sport, volunteer at sports clubs (scouts guides etc) where you kids go. Naturally new people will be met and you can build from that.
I’d say the last two years so many will feel so isolated lonely and forgotten how to small talk build an interest in what someone else has.
Chatting/posting online to random usernames (some likely to be Russian Bots) as the only interaction is the worst possible thing.
As for the fun of the chase….. we’ll I’m wavering your in your 40’s, it’s not the same at that age finding someone when on a night out. They would be single either because they are problems or not interested in settling down or the same situation as you (with baggage).
A divorce will take YEARS and it will be agony so traumatic on everyone. Plus she could really cut you out of everything so you’d not know where the kids go to school apply for things in your name (I say this as a friend has had just this - yes he is going to the police but the hurt it causes is bad and he suffers from depression).
Grass always appears greener.
How often are you having sex? Has it dwindled to single numbers for a whole year and then barely worth it? Has she stopped coming into the bathroom when your in the bath to use the toilet. Do you trim each other’s hair (you know what I mean).
Have you properly talked to her been totally honest.
You have kids and if you went down the divorce route there would be consequences, you’d only get to see them every other weekend you’d lose half your pension likely the marital home and have to pay spousal maintenance and child support.
You’ll likely not be able to buy an equivalent house in fact say you were in a nice 3 bed semi you may struggle to get a s
tty studio in a rough area. That aside maybe that is the best outcome?
You say you feel so lonely/no friends. Easiest way to change that is to take up a sport, volunteer at sports clubs (scouts guides etc) where you kids go. Naturally new people will be met and you can build from that.
I’d say the last two years so many will feel so isolated lonely and forgotten how to small talk build an interest in what someone else has.
Chatting/posting online to random usernames (some likely to be Russian Bots) as the only interaction is the worst possible thing.
As for the fun of the chase….. we’ll I’m wavering your in your 40’s, it’s not the same at that age finding someone when on a night out. They would be single either because they are problems or not interested in settling down or the same situation as you (with baggage).
A divorce will take YEARS and it will be agony so traumatic on everyone. Plus she could really cut you out of everything so you’d not know where the kids go to school apply for things in your name (I say this as a friend has had just this - yes he is going to the police but the hurt it causes is bad and he suffers from depression).
Grass always appears greener.
How often are you having sex? Has it dwindled to single numbers for a whole year and then barely worth it? Has she stopped coming into the bathroom when your in the bath to use the toilet. Do you trim each other’s hair (you know what I mean).
944 Man said:
Weirdo
Very whiney, anyway. I got bored after the first couple of paragraphs.OP: get a grip and either (a) decide your marriage is worth saving (although you don’t seem to have a lot of respect for your wife from the tedious drivel I did manage to read before I got bored) or (b) stop making excuses and walk away if it isn’t.
It’s not rocket science.
Welshbeef said:
How often are you having sex? Has it dwindled to single numbers for a whole year and then barely worth it? Has she stopped coming into the bathroom when your in the bath to use the toilet. Do you trim each other’s hair (you know what I mean).
Re 'weirdo': I was referring to this clownI read your post and had a good think.
You need to have a serious talk with your wife, perhaps with a new therapist
you should not be feeling alone in the entire universe. Of course your partner cannot fix everything and cannot understand everything but SOME understanding is required. The whole point of having a partner is to have someone to share moments, good and bad with, who can help. That's why it's called a "partnership". Like carrying a long log - it's easier with two, but both halfs have a responsibility.
If you divorce, yes, it can be hard with the house, the pension, the kids, if she is reasonable, she may not be "difficult". I'm sure it's mentioned on here about women being difficult but there are plenty of cases that women are NOT difficult and do want to also move on in an efficient manner.
As you say, life is short. Choose carefully but whatever you do should be after some deliberation.
Do NOT stay together just for the children. Kids aren't stupid, they can sense it. They would rather have a loving mummy and a loving daddy who are single than a miserable mummy and a miserable daddy who are together. You can go for joint custody as well if this suits your work, where you have the kids more regularly (aiming for 50-50).
Ignoring the "dating new people" thing (yes, new relationships always have that "spark" Aka Honeymoon period) , let's say that for two years, you could not have any romantic relationships would you still proceed with a breakup? Or are you just getting "a bit bored" ?
The lockdown(s) have been very hard. I understand that a lot myself, and no doubt, this has not helped.
I wish you luck in your decisions.
(My advice would be to anyone reading - Don't get married! I say that as a married man, luckily we are both retired so if we did divorce I don't have much to give anyway...)
You need to have a serious talk with your wife, perhaps with a new therapist
you should not be feeling alone in the entire universe. Of course your partner cannot fix everything and cannot understand everything but SOME understanding is required. The whole point of having a partner is to have someone to share moments, good and bad with, who can help. That's why it's called a "partnership". Like carrying a long log - it's easier with two, but both halfs have a responsibility.
If you divorce, yes, it can be hard with the house, the pension, the kids, if she is reasonable, she may not be "difficult". I'm sure it's mentioned on here about women being difficult but there are plenty of cases that women are NOT difficult and do want to also move on in an efficient manner.
As you say, life is short. Choose carefully but whatever you do should be after some deliberation.
Do NOT stay together just for the children. Kids aren't stupid, they can sense it. They would rather have a loving mummy and a loving daddy who are single than a miserable mummy and a miserable daddy who are together. You can go for joint custody as well if this suits your work, where you have the kids more regularly (aiming for 50-50).
Ignoring the "dating new people" thing (yes, new relationships always have that "spark" Aka Honeymoon period) , let's say that for two years, you could not have any romantic relationships would you still proceed with a breakup? Or are you just getting "a bit bored" ?
The lockdown(s) have been very hard. I understand that a lot myself, and no doubt, this has not helped.
I wish you luck in your decisions.
(My advice would be to anyone reading - Don't get married! I say that as a married man, luckily we are both retired so if we did divorce I don't have much to give anyway...)
See therapist for yourself.
See therapist as couple (a better one).
Possible gp visit for antidepressants if needed.
Spend more time with wife doing nice things.
Spend more time as family doing nice family things.
Talk to you wife but be wary of making it sound like you just don’t like her. More along the lines of I love it when you spoon please do it more rather than you never spoon me anymore your crap.
After all this if your still unhappy then you can think about what you need to do going forward. Look after yourself and try and enjoy your family and wife more.
See therapist as couple (a better one).
Possible gp visit for antidepressants if needed.
Spend more time with wife doing nice things.
Spend more time as family doing nice family things.
Talk to you wife but be wary of making it sound like you just don’t like her. More along the lines of I love it when you spoon please do it more rather than you never spoon me anymore your crap.
After all this if your still unhappy then you can think about what you need to do going forward. Look after yourself and try and enjoy your family and wife more.
85Carrera said:
944 Man said:
Weirdo
Very whiney, anyway. I got bored after the first couple of paragraphs.OP: get a grip and either (a) decide your marriage is worth saving (although you don’t seem to have a lot of respect for your wife from the tedious drivel I did manage to read before I got bored) or (b) stop making excuses and walk away if it isn’t.
It’s not rocket science.
85Carrera said:
Very whiney, anyway. I got bored after the first couple of paragraphs.
OP: get a grip and either (a) decide your marriage is worth saving (although you don’t seem to have a lot of respect for your wife from the tedious drivel I did manage to read before I got bored) or (b) stop making excuses and walk away if it isn’t.
It’s not rocket science.
Amazing. OP: get a grip and either (a) decide your marriage is worth saving (although you don’t seem to have a lot of respect for your wife from the tedious drivel I did manage to read before I got bored) or (b) stop making excuses and walk away if it isn’t.
It’s not rocket science.
Shhhhhh!
Porsche boys full of sympathy tonight , fk sake if you have nothing decent to add just don’t . My view , OP and wife have views crossed and are reading each other’s reactions differently, 2+2=5 scenario . Open discussion with each other would be a starting point , know where the relationship stands and progress from there .
k sake if you have nothing decent to add just don’t . My view , OP and wife have views crossed and are reading each other’s reactions differently, 2+2=5 scenario . Open discussion with each other would be a starting point , know where the relationship stands and progress from there .944 Man said:
Welshbeef said:
How often are you having sex? Has it dwindled to single numbers for a whole year and then barely worth it? Has she stopped coming into the bathroom when your in the bath to use the toilet. Do you trim each other’s hair (you know what I mean).
Re 'weirdo': I was referring to this clownAnyhow enough of Welshy's problems back to OP.
You seems to be at that make or break point that comes in many marriages. Not unusual However one of the problems that oftena manifest is a lack of outside input, sounding boards & a lack of interest outside home & family. It becomes easy to be so inwardly focussed that you forget the things that did used to give you pleasure or allow you to work off the stress (I somehow doubt "trimming each others hair" was one of those, despite Welshy seeing it as a measure of a marriages health) . Your partner doesn;t understand you, well very often they don;t but it needn't be fatal to the marriage. See if you can make some space/time for yourself, within the marriage, not just after she has gone to bed. See if you can expand your personal social circle, find somebody to be able to vent those frustrations to who might understand, probably better they are not the opposite sex. I don;t know what you did before you were married or even met her that gave you pleasure but do those things in that time.
Perfect relationships & families like Welshy's get by by living in each others pockets, doing everything together. Most don't most have "me time" "me space". See what you can do to create that then see how the marriage goes.
Find a couples therapist. We did and it changed everything, before the therapy we just didn’t see eye to eye on things, always arguing and thought we had come to and end. The first session was the major change, we came out with a new perspective and understanding, since then we’ve been much much happier and getting along great.
Don’t listen to any of the usual comments on here like ditching her, running off, she’s having affairs, get a lawyer, secure your investments..etc. Just get support
Don’t listen to any of the usual comments on here like ditching her, running off, she’s having affairs, get a lawyer, secure your investments..etc. Just get support
Boom78 said:
Don’t listen to any of the usual comments on here like ditching her
Thats a very single track way of looking at it. Therapy worked for you, it doesn't for everyone. I 'ditched' mine and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life. To leave her and all the st behind was life charging and things have just got better and better ever since. You might be able to repair a broken relationship, but if you leave you might actually find the love of your life
hucumber said:
Boom78 said:
Don’t listen to any of the usual comments on here like ditching her
Thats a very single track way of looking at it. Therapy worked for you, it doesn't for everyone. I 'ditched' mine and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life. To leave her and all the st behind was life charging and things have just got better and better ever since. You might be able to repair a broken relationship, but if you leave you might actually find the love of your life
If she beats you up or makes your life terrible, if might be worth leaving.
If she occasionally overcooks your macaroni cheese, perhaps you should be more forgiving. Swings and roundabouts.
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