psychology/ how the brain works
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I wonder if anyone might be able to help with this ...
why a certain person I see everyday can control your mindset by what I assume can only be reverse psychology by saying the same thing each day /nagging about it (asking for something to be done ) and making it into something negative .to be prevented and not done and they are the overthinking type
for some reason a while ago it was thought or suggested I wasn’t looking after my teeth correctly or even looking after them at all and and so it escalated from there until I found myself in this strange complex mind set of not caring.i use mouthwash though but not brushed in over 3 months .maybe it’s also like a self control thing or possibly another form of self harm or the overthinking has got to me aswell without realising it.
I have always questioned if she actually cares much or not and if things like this are just mind games.
Also I have been thinking of just moving out one day so it might give me some thinking space .i could also just try and explain it all but I think that would only make it worse
I know it’s stupid .you don’t need to say the obvious but there is more to this
But only asking for any new perspective on this or constructive comments
why a certain person I see everyday can control your mindset by what I assume can only be reverse psychology by saying the same thing each day /nagging about it (asking for something to be done ) and making it into something negative .to be prevented and not done and they are the overthinking type
for some reason a while ago it was thought or suggested I wasn’t looking after my teeth correctly or even looking after them at all and and so it escalated from there until I found myself in this strange complex mind set of not caring.i use mouthwash though but not brushed in over 3 months .maybe it’s also like a self control thing or possibly another form of self harm or the overthinking has got to me aswell without realising it.
I have always questioned if she actually cares much or not and if things like this are just mind games.
Also I have been thinking of just moving out one day so it might give me some thinking space .i could also just try and explain it all but I think that would only make it worse
I know it’s stupid .you don’t need to say the obvious but there is more to this
But only asking for any new perspective on this or constructive comments
Edited by Jack.77 on Thursday 2nd September 23:34
k about other people's opinions. Do what is right for you.I'm not sure if I've interpreted your post correctly, but I think these are the facts? Please correct me here...
You live with a woman
Said woman regularly mentions you aren't looking after your teeth, or generally comments / criticises your dental hygiene
You don't brush your teeth, but do use mouthwash.
Instead of encouraging you to change your behaviour (and presumably brush your teeth) her comments have pushed you the other way / strengthened your resolve not to change your ways.
I think that's what you were saying? Is the question whether that's an expected response, or what her motivation is for the comments or what she expects to happen etc?
What is your relationship with this woman, is it intimate or is she a friend or relative or just a random you happen to share living space with? Would help give a bit more context as to what her motives / expectations might be and whether she has any justification having them.
As some examples, if it is an intimate relationship, perhaps your teeth aren't in great shape and she finds it visually unappealing / off putting, perhaps she has a funny thing about hygiene, perhaps your breath doesn't smell very nice. Lots of people aren't very good or tactful with how to communicate their feelings so perhaps it's a concern of hers and she doesn't know how else to tell you.
If she's a close friend or relative, perhaps she worries that by not brushing your teeth they aren't going to be in good shape and you may have issues with them. Then as above, perhaps she's just not good at communicating her concern. Her perception that brushing your teeth is important is pretty understandable, it's one of those things that people have drummed into them from a young age about brushing your teeth twice a day etc. there are lots of horror stories about bad teeth and so on, so even if you don't agree that brushing is required, you can surely understand her reasoning for thinking it is.
If she's just a randomer you happen to share living space with, perhaps a house share or even just cross paths in the communal area of a building, then it's starting to stray in to the "mind your own business" camp.
Realistically though, you shouldn't let this sort of thing influence your behaviour, it pushing you to be more against caring for your teeth is ultimately still a response to this person, and being deliberately contrary just to make a point isn't realistically a 'reasonable' thing to do, either ignore it entirely and carry on as you were, or if you have any respect for the person, attempt to understand their viewpoint, evaluate it and putting your own opinion aside, try to make a judgement as to whether it has any objective merit. If so, listen to it, if not, go back to ignoring it.
You live with a woman
Said woman regularly mentions you aren't looking after your teeth, or generally comments / criticises your dental hygiene
You don't brush your teeth, but do use mouthwash.
Instead of encouraging you to change your behaviour (and presumably brush your teeth) her comments have pushed you the other way / strengthened your resolve not to change your ways.
I think that's what you were saying? Is the question whether that's an expected response, or what her motivation is for the comments or what she expects to happen etc?
What is your relationship with this woman, is it intimate or is she a friend or relative or just a random you happen to share living space with? Would help give a bit more context as to what her motives / expectations might be and whether she has any justification having them.
As some examples, if it is an intimate relationship, perhaps your teeth aren't in great shape and she finds it visually unappealing / off putting, perhaps she has a funny thing about hygiene, perhaps your breath doesn't smell very nice. Lots of people aren't very good or tactful with how to communicate their feelings so perhaps it's a concern of hers and she doesn't know how else to tell you.
If she's a close friend or relative, perhaps she worries that by not brushing your teeth they aren't going to be in good shape and you may have issues with them. Then as above, perhaps she's just not good at communicating her concern. Her perception that brushing your teeth is important is pretty understandable, it's one of those things that people have drummed into them from a young age about brushing your teeth twice a day etc. there are lots of horror stories about bad teeth and so on, so even if you don't agree that brushing is required, you can surely understand her reasoning for thinking it is.
If she's just a randomer you happen to share living space with, perhaps a house share or even just cross paths in the communal area of a building, then it's starting to stray in to the "mind your own business" camp.
Realistically though, you shouldn't let this sort of thing influence your behaviour, it pushing you to be more against caring for your teeth is ultimately still a response to this person, and being deliberately contrary just to make a point isn't realistically a 'reasonable' thing to do, either ignore it entirely and carry on as you were, or if you have any respect for the person, attempt to understand their viewpoint, evaluate it and putting your own opinion aside, try to make a judgement as to whether it has any objective merit. If so, listen to it, if not, go back to ignoring it.
DanL said:
Yes it does. OP you sound like you need some space so start there and see how you go. If you feel better away, happier, healthier... then you kind of know what you need. Reading your post you sound unhappy and the relationship sounds dysfunctional. Get away for a bit and see how you go.SturdyHSV said:
I'm not sure if I've interpreted your post correctly, but I think these are the facts? Please correct me here...
You live with a woman
Said woman regularly mentions you aren't looking after your teeth, or generally comments / criticises your dental hygiene
You don't brush your teeth, but do use mouthwash.
Instead of encouraging you to change your behaviour (and presumably brush your teeth) her comments have pushed you the other way / strengthened your resolve not to change your ways.
I think that's what you were saying? Is the question whether that's an expected response, or what her motivation is for the comments or what she expects to happen etc?
What is your relationship with this woman, is it intimate or is she a friend or relative or just a random you happen to share living space with? Would help give a bit more context as to what her motives / expectations might be and whether she has any justification having them.
As some examples, if it is an intimate relationship, perhaps your teeth aren't in great shape and she finds it visually unappealing / off putting, perhaps she has a funny thing about hygiene, perhaps your breath doesn't smell very nice. Lots of people aren't very good or tactful with how to communicate their feelings so perhaps it's a concern of hers and she doesn't know how else to tell you.
If she's a close friend or relative, perhaps she worries that by not brushing your teeth they aren't going to be in good shape and you may have issues with them. Then as above, perhaps she's just not good at communicating her concern. Her perception that brushing your teeth is important is pretty understandable, it's one of those things that people have drummed into them from a young age about brushing your teeth twice a day etc. there are lots of horror stories about bad teeth and so on, so even if you don't agree that brushing is required, you can surely understand her reasoning for thinking it is.
If she's just a randomer you happen to share living space with, perhaps a house share or even just cross paths in the communal area of a building, then it's starting to stray in to the "mind your own business" camp.
Realistically though, you shouldn't let this sort of thing influence your behaviour, it pushing you to be more against caring for your teeth is ultimately still a response to this person, and being deliberately contrary just to make a point isn't realistically a 'reasonable' thing to do, either ignore it entirely and carry on as you were, or if you have any respect for the person, attempt to understand their viewpoint, evaluate it and putting your own opinion aside, try to make a judgement as to whether it has any objective merit. If so, listen to it, if not, go back to ignoring it.
I read it that he looked after his teeth, and has stopped (now only using mouthwash) - if it’s the other way around as suggested in your post then it’s less gaslighting and more as you suggest I think…You live with a woman
Said woman regularly mentions you aren't looking after your teeth, or generally comments / criticises your dental hygiene
You don't brush your teeth, but do use mouthwash.
Instead of encouraging you to change your behaviour (and presumably brush your teeth) her comments have pushed you the other way / strengthened your resolve not to change your ways.
I think that's what you were saying? Is the question whether that's an expected response, or what her motivation is for the comments or what she expects to happen etc?
What is your relationship with this woman, is it intimate or is she a friend or relative or just a random you happen to share living space with? Would help give a bit more context as to what her motives / expectations might be and whether she has any justification having them.
As some examples, if it is an intimate relationship, perhaps your teeth aren't in great shape and she finds it visually unappealing / off putting, perhaps she has a funny thing about hygiene, perhaps your breath doesn't smell very nice. Lots of people aren't very good or tactful with how to communicate their feelings so perhaps it's a concern of hers and she doesn't know how else to tell you.
If she's a close friend or relative, perhaps she worries that by not brushing your teeth they aren't going to be in good shape and you may have issues with them. Then as above, perhaps she's just not good at communicating her concern. Her perception that brushing your teeth is important is pretty understandable, it's one of those things that people have drummed into them from a young age about brushing your teeth twice a day etc. there are lots of horror stories about bad teeth and so on, so even if you don't agree that brushing is required, you can surely understand her reasoning for thinking it is.
If she's just a randomer you happen to share living space with, perhaps a house share or even just cross paths in the communal area of a building, then it's starting to stray in to the "mind your own business" camp.
Realistically though, you shouldn't let this sort of thing influence your behaviour, it pushing you to be more against caring for your teeth is ultimately still a response to this person, and being deliberately contrary just to make a point isn't realistically a 'reasonable' thing to do, either ignore it entirely and carry on as you were, or if you have any respect for the person, attempt to understand their viewpoint, evaluate it and putting your own opinion aside, try to make a judgement as to whether it has any objective merit. If so, listen to it, if not, go back to ignoring it.
Most people brush their teeth twice a day, and if it’s someone you’re intimate with then she may find it off putting if you don’t… I’ll set aside whether she’s right or not as I have no idea!
Thanks for the replies.
I do want to brush but it’s like as an example if I was to spit blood said person would be probably waiting to do a running commentary which will only put me off doing it more.
She randomly approached me yesterday when I had a headache with her phone in hand with some article on brushing and held it right in my face .i didn’t get that either
I do want to brush but it’s like as an example if I was to spit blood said person would be probably waiting to do a running commentary which will only put me off doing it more.
She randomly approached me yesterday when I had a headache with her phone in hand with some article on brushing and held it right in my face .i didn’t get that either
Jack.77 said:
Thanks for the replies.
I do want to brush but it’s like as an example if I was to spit blood said person would be probably waiting to do a running commentary which will only put me off doing it more.
She randomly approached me yesterday when I had a headache with her phone in hand with some article on brushing and held it right in my face .i didn’t get that either
If they're joining you in the bathroom then presumably this is a romantic partner as opposed to a random stranger?I do want to brush but it’s like as an example if I was to spit blood said person would be probably waiting to do a running commentary which will only put me off doing it more.
She randomly approached me yesterday when I had a headache with her phone in hand with some article on brushing and held it right in my face .i didn’t get that either
If this person was not part of your life, would you brush your teeth?
As I mentioned earlier, some people just aren't very good at communicating things. I would imagine realistically this person cares about the condition of your teeth (either for your benefit, or their own, in terms of the condition being off putting or even just the thought of their possible condition being off putting) and is (badly) attempting to get you to do something about it.
If they're that bad at communicating things, or rather their method of communication doesn't work for you, perhaps they're not a great partner for you.
Independent of that, if you want to brush your teeth, brush your teeth. I think it's generally pretty widely accepted as a good thing to do. Most bathroom doors have a lock, perhaps explain to her that her reaction to your tooth brushing isn't helpful, and as such you'll brush your teeth, but will lock the door whilst doing so and she is to leave you to it?
SturdyHSV said:
If they're joining you in the bathroom then presumably this is a romantic partner as opposed to a random stranger?
If this person was not part of your life, would you brush your teeth?
As I mentioned earlier, some people just aren't very good at communicating things. I would imagine realistically this person cares about the condition of your teeth (either for your benefit, or their own, in terms of the condition being off putting or even just the thought of their possible condition being off putting) and is (badly) attempting to get you to do something about it.
If they're that bad at communicating things, or rather their method of communication doesn't work for you, perhaps they're not a great partner for you.
Independent of that, if you want to brush your teeth, brush your teeth. I think it's generally pretty widely accepted as a good thing to do. Most bathroom doors have a lock, perhaps explain to her that her reaction to your tooth brushing isn't helpful, and as such you'll brush your teeth, but will lock the door whilst doing so and she is to leave you to it?
Yes I find the method of communication mostly unhelpful and would rather just keep it to a bare minimum most of the time .If this person was not part of your life, would you brush your teeth?
As I mentioned earlier, some people just aren't very good at communicating things. I would imagine realistically this person cares about the condition of your teeth (either for your benefit, or their own, in terms of the condition being off putting or even just the thought of their possible condition being off putting) and is (badly) attempting to get you to do something about it.
If they're that bad at communicating things, or rather their method of communication doesn't work for you, perhaps they're not a great partner for you.
Independent of that, if you want to brush your teeth, brush your teeth. I think it's generally pretty widely accepted as a good thing to do. Most bathroom doors have a lock, perhaps explain to her that her reaction to your tooth brushing isn't helpful, and as such you'll brush your teeth, but will lock the door whilst doing so and she is to leave you to it?
I should clarify I currently living with my mum which obviously isn’t ideal .(I've got my own place sitting empty in another town far away but the work is here at the moment) .
I have spoken with a friend a lot of the issues in general and just seem to go around in circles
I think that person probably wants you to brush your teeth. The only person not to suffer from bad breath is often the person with it.
I appreciate these comments may not help the wider issue but I cannot understand any of the issue in your post and suspect it is more of a mental issue in the general sense.
I appreciate these comments may not help the wider issue but I cannot understand any of the issue in your post and suspect it is more of a mental issue in the general sense.
Hi Jack. I'm a qualified counsellor. I think it would be good for you to have a chat with someone face to face, as I suspect there's more going on than just anxiety about loss of control. Either find someone local to you (just a general counsellor, but lots do work with anxiety), or look up the BACP website where there is a list of all recommended counsellors. Good luck.
Jack.77 said:
Yes I find the method of communication mostly unhelpful and would rather just keep it to a bare minimum most of the time .
I should clarify I currently living with my mum which obviously isn’t ideal .(I've got my own place sitting empty in another town far away but the work is here at the moment) .
I have spoken with a friend a lot of the issues in general and just seem to go around in circles
It's your mum, she's just trying to look out for you. She's just a person so she's not perfect, hence perhaps the poor communication or whatever, but ultimately her intentions are good and understandable.I should clarify I currently living with my mum which obviously isn’t ideal .(I've got my own place sitting empty in another town far away but the work is here at the moment) .
I have spoken with a friend a lot of the issues in general and just seem to go around in circles
Perhaps just brush your teeth for your own benefit (as mentioned previously, it's pretty accepted that it's a good idea) and lock the bathroom door when in there.
Feeling a weird compulsion to do the opposite of what your parents say is pretty standard, many people grow out of it or later come to understand it when they find themselves saying the same things to their own children. Perhaps try to put yourself in that position, if your child wasn't brushing its teeth, what would you do? Yes she could perhaps go about things a better way, but sticking resolutely to that point isn't going to progress anything.
popeyewhite said:
Hi Jack. I'm a qualified counsellor. I think it would be good for you to have a chat with someone face to face, as I suspect there's more going on than just anxiety about loss of control. Either find someone local to you (just a general counsellor, but lots do work with anxiety), or look up the BACP website where there is a list of all recommended counsellors. Good luck.
Hi thanks for getting in touch , sorry to bore you with this .I have thought several times about counselling within the last 5 years or so with other stuff .I believe it’s easier to just live with stuff and not talk about such things which cannot be changed,I get though that it can work in some cases so not against it in any way .motorway driving is one of the biggest problems as just avoid them whenever possible (since first car 6 yrs ago or so that was the main reason for wanting a car to travel) still want to travel around uk etc at some point I guess that could probably be anxiety of losing control as you describe. but on that subject also I got lost some years ago on a small scooter and ended up on motorway in the fast lane on a bike that only goes 50.the other week I had to go on one of the motorways for work in the vw golf as was shaking with fear .its pathetic
Jack.77 said:
I wonder if anyone might be able to help with this ...
why a certain person I see everyday can control your mindset by what I assume can only be reverse psychology by saying the same thing each day /nagging about it (asking for something to be done ) and making it into something negative .to be prevented and not done and they are the overthinking type
...
I have always questioned if she actually cares much or not and if things like this are just mind games.
Also I have been thinking of just moving out one day so it might give me some thinking space .i could also just try and explain it all but I think that would only make it worse
I know it’s stupid .you don’t need to say the obvious but there is more to this
But only asking for any new perspective on this or constructive comments
Sometimes it can be intended, but mostly it is being with someone who you are not compatible with.why a certain person I see everyday can control your mindset by what I assume can only be reverse psychology by saying the same thing each day /nagging about it (asking for something to be done ) and making it into something negative .to be prevented and not done and they are the overthinking type
...
I have always questioned if she actually cares much or not and if things like this are just mind games.
Also I have been thinking of just moving out one day so it might give me some thinking space .i could also just try and explain it all but I think that would only make it worse
I know it’s stupid .you don’t need to say the obvious but there is more to this
But only asking for any new perspective on this or constructive comments
Move out and end the relationship.
Jack.77 said:
popeyewhite said:
Hi Jack. I'm a qualified counsellor. I think it would be good for you to have a chat with someone face to face, as I suspect there's more going on than just anxiety about loss of control. Either find someone local to you (just a general counsellor, but lots do work with anxiety), or look up the BACP website where there is a list of all recommended counsellors. Good luck.
Hi thanks for getting in touch , sorry to bore you with this .I have thought several times about counselling within the last 5 years or so with other stuff .I believe it’s easier to just live with stuff and not talk about such things which cannot be changed,I get though that it can work in some cases so not against it in any way .motorway driving is one of the biggest problems as just avoid them whenever possible (since first car 6 yrs ago or so that was the main reason for wanting a car to travel) still want to travel around uk etc at some point I guess that could probably be anxiety of losing control as you describe. but on that subject also I got lost some years ago on a small scooter and ended up on motorway in the fast lane on a bike that only goes 50.the other week I had to go on one of the motorways for work in the vw golf as was shaking with fear .its pathetic
Not sure why you ended up in the outside "fast" lane as you could have stayed on the inside lane. There is nothing to fear from driving on the motorway, it is just something that you need to sort out in your thought process.
Do get some help though and things will improve in time.
So i thought I’d revisit this topic .it took a while to start brushing again then it starts again yesterday and now more today .I just feel like I don’t want to do it now and even more low mood sets in .Before this all started I was obsessed with taking care of them and on low sugar eating now it’s like I don’t see any point in any of it .I thought about trying to explain but it would only make it worse for me .
Also reading this again i mentioned about motorway driving .I think this was mostly down to a day when I crashed the car and overthinking (The first year after that I hardly drove anywhere ).anyway it’s finally improving I do short motorway trips at last and hoping to build it up.
My chances in life were never going to be good after finishing school with hardly any qualifications (it was over ten years ago and I’m still stuck in the past ,for years i was bullied and I didn’t properly engage with any of the education system .as of a result I never even collected the gcse even after all these years later.one of the worst things out of the experience was that my brothers were not interested in trying to help as it could have impacted on there friends and status etc .
Also reading this again i mentioned about motorway driving .I think this was mostly down to a day when I crashed the car and overthinking (The first year after that I hardly drove anywhere ).anyway it’s finally improving I do short motorway trips at last and hoping to build it up.
Edited by Jack.77 on Wednesday 19th January 18:09
My chances in life were never going to be good after finishing school with hardly any qualifications (it was over ten years ago and I’m still stuck in the past ,for years i was bullied and I didn’t properly engage with any of the education system .as of a result I never even collected the gcse even after all these years later.one of the worst things out of the experience was that my brothers were not interested in trying to help as it could have impacted on there friends and status etc .
Edited by Jack.77 on Wednesday 19th January 18:53
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