This evening my wife passed
Discussion
I know this is a very odd thing to do, post this on the internet to strangers. But forgive me because I need some advice, not from groups and experts, but from men that have had to deal with this.
My wife has leukaemia. I mentioned this in a few other threads and received help on how to deal with this news, stem cell treatments etc.
Today I saw my wife at 11:00 and left a midday , such is the hospital visiting hours under covid. One hour per day. At 16:00 I get a call to say come quick, upon arrival I am unable to go into the room because they crash Team are helping her. She has vomited and had a seizure. One CT scan later she’s in intensive care, where she is now receiving 72 hours of assistance before she will pass. Her brain has bled so much there is no hope. The 72 hours is U.K. law, if she does wake the brain will not respond... or something they said. So the end is here.
I’ve just given this news to my two children. 15 and 12.I have no idea how to deal with this. Please help with your experience on how to support children. Thank you
My wife has leukaemia. I mentioned this in a few other threads and received help on how to deal with this news, stem cell treatments etc.
Today I saw my wife at 11:00 and left a midday , such is the hospital visiting hours under covid. One hour per day. At 16:00 I get a call to say come quick, upon arrival I am unable to go into the room because they crash Team are helping her. She has vomited and had a seizure. One CT scan later she’s in intensive care, where she is now receiving 72 hours of assistance before she will pass. Her brain has bled so much there is no hope. The 72 hours is U.K. law, if she does wake the brain will not respond... or something they said. So the end is here.
I’ve just given this news to my two children. 15 and 12.I have no idea how to deal with this. Please help with your experience on how to support children. Thank you
Edited by oldaudi on Monday 23 August 23:18
k - so sorry to read this. I'll have a a word with my wife and see if I can get her to contribute (she went through this several years ago)I am so sorry.
Re your children, how old are they? How candid you should be will depend on their ages and temperaments, I suspect.
We made the mistake with our then ten year old son of keeping the fact that his grandmother was going downhill fast from him. He was, in fact, quite able to cope with the news of her death in the final analysis and rather resented having had things kept from him. He also took his grandfather’s death a year later completely in his stride, despite having been very close to both of them.
I just let him process and talk about things at his own pace FWIW.
Re your children, how old are they? How candid you should be will depend on their ages and temperaments, I suspect.
We made the mistake with our then ten year old son of keeping the fact that his grandmother was going downhill fast from him. He was, in fact, quite able to cope with the news of her death in the final analysis and rather resented having had things kept from him. He also took his grandfather’s death a year later completely in his stride, despite having been very close to both of them.
I just let him process and talk about things at his own pace FWIW.
OldAudi sorry to hear this and i echo everyone else's thoughts above and i wish you and your family the best dealing with this.
My wife passed just over 5 years ago after a cancer battle. My 2 daughters were 17 and 12 at the time not too much different to your children's ages.
The day she went into hospital for the final time i had to sit the children down in a small room with me and tell them their mum probably wouldn't live thru the night it was probably the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
It sounds like you have 'overcome' that horrible hurdle and all you can do now is get and provide the best support you can for YOURSELF and your children as they will rely on you to be there for them and whatever you may think they are a massively lot more resilient than we think.
If possible make sure they can spend time with their mum even a bit on their own if they can so they can talk to her even in her poorly state. I'm sure it will be something they never regret.
Sorry if I've rambled on but you and your children WILL get through this although it will be very tough and raw presently.
Take care.
My wife passed just over 5 years ago after a cancer battle. My 2 daughters were 17 and 12 at the time not too much different to your children's ages.
The day she went into hospital for the final time i had to sit the children down in a small room with me and tell them their mum probably wouldn't live thru the night it was probably the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
It sounds like you have 'overcome' that horrible hurdle and all you can do now is get and provide the best support you can for YOURSELF and your children as they will rely on you to be there for them and whatever you may think they are a massively lot more resilient than we think.
If possible make sure they can spend time with their mum even a bit on their own if they can so they can talk to her even in her poorly state. I'm sure it will be something they never regret.
Sorry if I've rambled on but you and your children WILL get through this although it will be very tough and raw presently.
Take care.
Thank you. They’ve made a choice tonight to go and see their mum tomorrow, even though she is being kept alive by machines. It will be tough for them, but I will allow them. They’ve not really seen their mum much the last 5 weeks, with one single visitor she just managed to creep outside on a few weekends to see them.
The lasting images of their mum in ICU will be tough but perhaps something they want to see, they may change their mind when we get into the waiting area. Who knows. I have my 12 year old in my bed next to me tonight, she will find this rough.
Life is weird. I’ve gone through every emotion the last weeks with cancer, how successful or not the treatment will be, waiting for bone marrow results and nothing but fear and worry. I believed she would deal with this, in the end we’ve been thrown a real curve ball as they say. Something out of the blue which was not even mentioned as possible side effect!
The lasting images of their mum in ICU will be tough but perhaps something they want to see, they may change their mind when we get into the waiting area. Who knows. I have my 12 year old in my bed next to me tonight, she will find this rough.
Life is weird. I’ve gone through every emotion the last weeks with cancer, how successful or not the treatment will be, waiting for bone marrow results and nothing but fear and worry. I believed she would deal with this, in the end we’ve been thrown a real curve ball as they say. Something out of the blue which was not even mentioned as possible side effect!
Edited by oldaudi on Monday 23 August 23:38
Your patience will be sorely tried in the near and possibly not so near future. I don't know whether you do this kind of thing as a family, but perhaps a quiet conversation among all of you, letting them know that you will need their help to be able to help them. No feelings are wrong, nothing cannot be expressed (try not to express shock or irritation if one of them says something which you would otherwise jump on...) so they have nothing to feel guilty about, for instance. Try to keep n even temper and just be there for them. They will be there for you too, I'm sure. I don't think we give children, generally, enough credit for toughness and resilience. You may be surprised. I hope you all get through this as best you can.
oldaudi, so very sorry to hear your news. My husband, DodgyGeezer above, asked me to say a few words....
I lost my first husband to Leukaemia 13 years ago and our children were 15 and 17 at the time, so my heart is very sad that you now have to tread the same path.
My children chose to visit their dad when he was in that last stage of deep sleep. It was upsetting for them but I think it helped them to say goodbye and perhaps come to terms with what was happening, though they were upset and angry. They had also visited him throughout the various hospital stays - not as often as me, but they were at school and the hospital was some 30 miles away. I think it is important to let your children ask questions and for you to be honest in your responses, though obviously not being too graphic with details!
Be gentle with yourself and your children. They need you to be there caring and supporting them as and when they need it. There may be some days when they are angry and may say things out of frustration or denial, but this is because they think it is unfair that their friends all still have their mums. It is also likely that they won't know any peers with the same experience, so find it difficult to talk, or their friends just don't know what to say or how to support them. It will be hard dealing with anger and tantrums, but they will take their moods out on the nearest person to them, you.
Think about counselling when you feel ready. My son kept a lot of his emotions tucked inside - he still does that today, but he did not want to talk to a counsellor. My daughter found talking about her experience very healing, as did I. There is a group called Young and Widowed, or there may be a local group, which can be a good support network, when you reach the 'acceptance' stage.
The children's school will have a pastoral team and I'm sure they will support them in September when the new term starts.
The other key thing is to keep busy, yourself and the children. It helps you to carry on rather than wallow in grief. There will be lots to do because you will be doing the work of both parents running the home and working. It will take time and there will be setbacks. Your children need your love, support and being there, as and when they need you. These first few months will be hard and then the realisation that everyone else has moved on with their lives, is a shock, when you are still struggling to cope with it.
Life is so unfair sometimes. Keep strong for your children. I hope you too have support.
I lost my first husband to Leukaemia 13 years ago and our children were 15 and 17 at the time, so my heart is very sad that you now have to tread the same path.
My children chose to visit their dad when he was in that last stage of deep sleep. It was upsetting for them but I think it helped them to say goodbye and perhaps come to terms with what was happening, though they were upset and angry. They had also visited him throughout the various hospital stays - not as often as me, but they were at school and the hospital was some 30 miles away. I think it is important to let your children ask questions and for you to be honest in your responses, though obviously not being too graphic with details!
Be gentle with yourself and your children. They need you to be there caring and supporting them as and when they need it. There may be some days when they are angry and may say things out of frustration or denial, but this is because they think it is unfair that their friends all still have their mums. It is also likely that they won't know any peers with the same experience, so find it difficult to talk, or their friends just don't know what to say or how to support them. It will be hard dealing with anger and tantrums, but they will take their moods out on the nearest person to them, you.
Think about counselling when you feel ready. My son kept a lot of his emotions tucked inside - he still does that today, but he did not want to talk to a counsellor. My daughter found talking about her experience very healing, as did I. There is a group called Young and Widowed, or there may be a local group, which can be a good support network, when you reach the 'acceptance' stage.
The children's school will have a pastoral team and I'm sure they will support them in September when the new term starts.
The other key thing is to keep busy, yourself and the children. It helps you to carry on rather than wallow in grief. There will be lots to do because you will be doing the work of both parents running the home and working. It will take time and there will be setbacks. Your children need your love, support and being there, as and when they need you. These first few months will be hard and then the realisation that everyone else has moved on with their lives, is a shock, when you are still struggling to cope with it.
Life is so unfair sometimes. Keep strong for your children. I hope you too have support.
Edited by Waylanderwife on Tuesday 24th August 00:29
Thank you everyone for the advice and suggestions. Especially the very long replies. Appreciated
Clearly I’m not sleeping, I can hear my girls snoring so at least they’re getting some sleep. Today will be tough, I really don’t know if my youngest should see her mum. Her personality tells me it’s probably not a good idea.
Thank you
Clearly I’m not sleeping, I can hear my girls snoring so at least they’re getting some sleep. Today will be tough, I really don’t know if my youngest should see her mum. Her personality tells me it’s probably not a good idea.
Thank you
I went through this eight years ago. Our children were 15 and 16. One was already in councilling and it did him a lot of good. I and the other didn't get on with councilling and he's had a harder time of it.
They have both been through very dark times, and now are both very much the other side of them.
If you need to talk DM me.
They have both been through very dark times, and now are both very much the other side of them.
If you need to talk DM me.
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