Mental Health - How do you know if yours is bad?
Discussion
Something happened today which gave me the push to write this post. Now I'm not sure what I expect to get out of it, but sometimes its good just to write things down.
Today I get a text out of the blue from a friend to say one of my old school friends was found dead yesterday aged 38. It came as a huge shock, as its not someone you would expect to die so young, and to be honest its shaken me up a bit. I knew her from the age of about 12 and we where good friends at school, mixed in the same groups of friends and even dated for a bit in my early 20's. I haven't seen her properly for about 10years, I moved areas and you start new lives but she was on my FB so you kind of see how they are getting on from a distance. She got married, had two kids and seemed happy with life. I got a random message about 18months ago from her as she had seen me when she drove past and was asking how I was and how was the family etc. It appears her marriage had broken down and she back at her parents. That was last we spoke, and today I get a message she was found dead. Apparently she had been having issues with alcohol and was suffering from depression and was in a bad place, so you assume suicide or an accident due to booze.
Sat in my office I found myself crying about it. Now I know part of it is because she was a friend and you think what a waste of a life, but also she leaves behind two young kids. I know the family well and you think about how much they most be going through right now. The big part of why I was crying is because it reminds me of my dad. He died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 26 (39 now), and I feel I have never got over it. When ever I think about him I cry and often feel regret and guilt. Mainly because i also feel I missed out on lots of opportunities when I was younger to spend time with him. I was quite immature and always wanted to see mates, and spending time with my parents wasn't fun. He was a bit of a old school bloke, emotional vacant, but I feel that since he died I have sort of become the same. I am happy in my life today, and have a fantastic girlfriend, amazing friends, great family, but always have this regret / guilt with my dad.
No doubt the last 18months have been bad for a lot of people, and many are in a much worse places, but how do you know how good or bad your mental health is?
I have always suffered from low self esteem (although i hide it quite well with bravado), and as I have got older become more anxious, and struggled with self belief but never actually done anything about it. I'm happy to take the easy option at times and not willing to push myself or take a risk.
Reading this back, I realise that I do need to reach out and talk to someone to get things off my chest, but for other people how did you release your mental health wasn't as good you thought and maybe talking to someone was a good first step to get it improved?
Sorry for waffling and its a random post, but thought writing it down was a better option even if some of it doesn't make sense.
Cheers
Today I get a text out of the blue from a friend to say one of my old school friends was found dead yesterday aged 38. It came as a huge shock, as its not someone you would expect to die so young, and to be honest its shaken me up a bit. I knew her from the age of about 12 and we where good friends at school, mixed in the same groups of friends and even dated for a bit in my early 20's. I haven't seen her properly for about 10years, I moved areas and you start new lives but she was on my FB so you kind of see how they are getting on from a distance. She got married, had two kids and seemed happy with life. I got a random message about 18months ago from her as she had seen me when she drove past and was asking how I was and how was the family etc. It appears her marriage had broken down and she back at her parents. That was last we spoke, and today I get a message she was found dead. Apparently she had been having issues with alcohol and was suffering from depression and was in a bad place, so you assume suicide or an accident due to booze.
Sat in my office I found myself crying about it. Now I know part of it is because she was a friend and you think what a waste of a life, but also she leaves behind two young kids. I know the family well and you think about how much they most be going through right now. The big part of why I was crying is because it reminds me of my dad. He died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 26 (39 now), and I feel I have never got over it. When ever I think about him I cry and often feel regret and guilt. Mainly because i also feel I missed out on lots of opportunities when I was younger to spend time with him. I was quite immature and always wanted to see mates, and spending time with my parents wasn't fun. He was a bit of a old school bloke, emotional vacant, but I feel that since he died I have sort of become the same. I am happy in my life today, and have a fantastic girlfriend, amazing friends, great family, but always have this regret / guilt with my dad.
No doubt the last 18months have been bad for a lot of people, and many are in a much worse places, but how do you know how good or bad your mental health is?
I have always suffered from low self esteem (although i hide it quite well with bravado), and as I have got older become more anxious, and struggled with self belief but never actually done anything about it. I'm happy to take the easy option at times and not willing to push myself or take a risk.
Reading this back, I realise that I do need to reach out and talk to someone to get things off my chest, but for other people how did you release your mental health wasn't as good you thought and maybe talking to someone was a good first step to get it improved?
Sorry for waffling and its a random post, but thought writing it down was a better option even if some of it doesn't make sense.
Cheers
For me, there's been two things pushing me to improve my mental health: (1) feeling I wasn't getting much out of life - couldn't sustain a relationship, for example. This has been the case for most of my life. (2) feeling desperately anxious and unhappy - last summer.
Mental health is like physical health: why wait until you're really sick before doing something about it. Most of us enjoy life more when we're physically fit, it's the same with our mind and emotional sides.
Finding a really good counsellor who saw clearly why I've always struggled, and has been able to help me move forward, was the best thing I have ever done. I would recommend it. I'd also say be choosy - shop around for someone good, it's like test driving a car.
I'm a lot older than you, but my advice is: take a step as soon as you can. Life goes fast (& it gets faster), and we only get to do it once......
Edited to add: you have 'good' reasons to have at least an intial chat with a bereavement counsellor.
Mental health is like physical health: why wait until you're really sick before doing something about it. Most of us enjoy life more when we're physically fit, it's the same with our mind and emotional sides.
Finding a really good counsellor who saw clearly why I've always struggled, and has been able to help me move forward, was the best thing I have ever done. I would recommend it. I'd also say be choosy - shop around for someone good, it's like test driving a car.
I'm a lot older than you, but my advice is: take a step as soon as you can. Life goes fast (& it gets faster), and we only get to do it once......
Edited to add: you have 'good' reasons to have at least an intial chat with a bereavement counsellor.
Just to preface my comments with "I'm no expert" but bereavement and the grief that comes with it hits people differently but it always tends to hit hard. When my mother died I felt everything from sadness which I thought was understandable through to absolute anger at her and my family which I found very difficult to cope with.
I don't know the answers by any means but talking about it helped me.
I don't know the answers by any means but talking about it helped me.
To answer your initial question - you don't most of the time. This is why unfortunately, as you've experienced, people realise at a stage where a lot of damage is already done, or worse still, don't realise at all.
I went through a bad patch in late 2018 / early 2019 for various reasons (large disruptive life events) and I didn't realise to what extent I was suffering until of all people, the dentist pointed out that I had started chattering my teeth at night subconsciously. I had not noticed the damage, but she completely out of the blue asked me if I had been under any recent stress. It was pivotal for me because it really made me come to terms with the fact I had not been in a healthy position at all. I'd effectively isolated myself over a period of several months. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped being interested in socialising, used to go to bed at 7:30 pm every evening to hide away. Behaviours I was justifying to myself internally that were okay but with the benefit of hindsight I see now I really, really needed to come to terms with my unhappiness and why it was present. Even my partner was fairly oblivious because for all intents and purposes I was fully functioning. I am in a much better position now, but it has involved some behavioural therapy, some crisis talks and some life changes. I still have low points though.
I honestly think the majority of us have or will have battles with mental health over the course of our lives, albeit in varying levels of severity. Acknowledgement can be extremely difficult, but it is important to remember that a) it's perfectly normal, b) very common and c) can be treated and that help exists. Talking is the start.
I went through a bad patch in late 2018 / early 2019 for various reasons (large disruptive life events) and I didn't realise to what extent I was suffering until of all people, the dentist pointed out that I had started chattering my teeth at night subconsciously. I had not noticed the damage, but she completely out of the blue asked me if I had been under any recent stress. It was pivotal for me because it really made me come to terms with the fact I had not been in a healthy position at all. I'd effectively isolated myself over a period of several months. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped being interested in socialising, used to go to bed at 7:30 pm every evening to hide away. Behaviours I was justifying to myself internally that were okay but with the benefit of hindsight I see now I really, really needed to come to terms with my unhappiness and why it was present. Even my partner was fairly oblivious because for all intents and purposes I was fully functioning. I am in a much better position now, but it has involved some behavioural therapy, some crisis talks and some life changes. I still have low points though.
I honestly think the majority of us have or will have battles with mental health over the course of our lives, albeit in varying levels of severity. Acknowledgement can be extremely difficult, but it is important to remember that a) it's perfectly normal, b) very common and c) can be treated and that help exists. Talking is the start.
I don’t think you can gauge by yourself, but if you’re asking yourself and the PH massive the question then I think it is certainly worth speaking to a professional about it.
One thing I would say is when speaking to mental health professionals about yourself, don’t hold back or be ashamed, be frank and honest. Ask questions and do your own research. Many may have a basis in a general aspect and a therapy such as CBT, but many may not be able to discern potentially subtle hints at what might be the basis of what may be your potential concerns. Let it out and don’t be afraid about it. They will have seen it before and won’t judge.
Speaking from experience, it took until I was in my 40’s to be diagnosed officially and to be treated for high functioning ADHD, which many had dismissed previously. Had this been recognised as a child, then they would have understood more clearly why migraine treatments weren’t working as expected and other now very obvious things which have led to much more mental strife than was necessary. This led to a couple of cases of ‘depression’ which would have been much more successfully treated or even avoided if the ADHD was known. Instead the medication given didn’t work as expected again.
This experience now has brought lots into sharp relief. Mental health isn’t something to be ashamed about and in many cases, it can be from something you may not have much control about unless you’re aware of any underlying conditions you may have. The first step is speaking to someone. You may be generally fine but may find a session periodically helpful, then great.
One thing I would say is when speaking to mental health professionals about yourself, don’t hold back or be ashamed, be frank and honest. Ask questions and do your own research. Many may have a basis in a general aspect and a therapy such as CBT, but many may not be able to discern potentially subtle hints at what might be the basis of what may be your potential concerns. Let it out and don’t be afraid about it. They will have seen it before and won’t judge.
Speaking from experience, it took until I was in my 40’s to be diagnosed officially and to be treated for high functioning ADHD, which many had dismissed previously. Had this been recognised as a child, then they would have understood more clearly why migraine treatments weren’t working as expected and other now very obvious things which have led to much more mental strife than was necessary. This led to a couple of cases of ‘depression’ which would have been much more successfully treated or even avoided if the ADHD was known. Instead the medication given didn’t work as expected again.
This experience now has brought lots into sharp relief. Mental health isn’t something to be ashamed about and in many cases, it can be from something you may not have much control about unless you’re aware of any underlying conditions you may have. The first step is speaking to someone. You may be generally fine but may find a session periodically helpful, then great.
The NHS have a brief self assesment test on their website that gives you a guide
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-...
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-...
Bereavement counselling is needed. I've been in a very similar place to you before. Another death reminds you of losing someone close to you and it almost transports you back to a difficult time.
Do you have access to an employee helpline through your employer? A lot of office based companies do but don't even realise they have it. Speak to them to ask for emotional support and they will put you in touch with someone, plus pay for a few sessions for you. You can refer via NHS instead but the waiting lists are very long.
Do you have access to an employee helpline through your employer? A lot of office based companies do but don't even realise they have it. Speak to them to ask for emotional support and they will put you in touch with someone, plus pay for a few sessions for you. You can refer via NHS instead but the waiting lists are very long.
I work with a guy who tried to get under a train - jumped off the platform in front of it, and dropped into a bloody great hole beneath the tracks, so the train went over him without a problem. It was dark, so he hadn't seen the hole. Super intelligent, very nice guy.
The most alarming thing about it was that as far as he was concerned,if you'd told him that morning he was going to try and kill himself, he'd have laughed at you. He had no inkling that anything was wrong - he was busy, a bit stressed, but nothing more than normal. Something "snapped in his head" that afternoon, and that evening, he was standing at a platform, unsure how he really got there.
The most alarming thing about it was that as far as he was concerned,if you'd told him that morning he was going to try and kill himself, he'd have laughed at you. He had no inkling that anything was wrong - he was busy, a bit stressed, but nothing more than normal. Something "snapped in his head" that afternoon, and that evening, he was standing at a platform, unsure how he really got there.
Challo said:
The big part of why I was crying is because it reminds me of my dad. He died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 26 (39 now), and I feel I have never got over it. When ever I think about him I cry and often feel regret and guilt. Mainly because i also feel I missed out on lots of opportunities when I was younger to spend time with him.
I very much doubt your dad ever expected anything different. Lots of people in their teens or 20s think their parents are a bit sad, and it's maybe not until they get to their 30s that they realise they might have been wrong. It's not your fault he died and you never got that chanceI have 2 sons in their 20s and although we get on great, I'm completely relaxed with them thinking deep down that I'm a bit of a w
ker.There's an old saying along the lines of, "when I was 20 I thought my dad was a total fool. I'm 30 now and I can't believe how much he's learnt in the last 10 years".
One way I find useful with clients is to ask, "How do you feel on a scale from 1 to 10, where 10 is amazing, it's your birthday, all your friends have thrown a party and you've got the most amazing gifts, to 1 where 1 is utterly awful, you just want to stay in bed all day?" 6+ is fine, we all have down days, below 5, I'd probably be looking at ways of remedying things whether that is therapy, counselling, self-regulation techniques (mindfulness, yoga, whatever).
Please don't connect your mood with how you feel about self esteem.
I've no idea who you are, however when I used to teach (secondary) of all the nasty, horrible, useless, feckless idiots I taught...not one of them, not a single one I disliked. They had bad days, bad lessons, break ups and fights, however I never once met anyone who I disliked that much.
I'm reasonably certain then that you're okay, a good person, good at what you do and have friends and people who love you!
Therefore your mood is out of whack, my father died aged 49 when I was 20 and my mum in 2020 when I was 47!
It's left me somewhat empty I have to say, not especially miserable, just tired of most things.
Try and surround yourself with people who understand, talk to them, most people struggle (most of the time) and put brave faces on things.
If you're able to, avoid people who knock you down, they're probably empty and miserable inside too, however don't let them take it out on you.
If you'd like to, talk to the GP and get help, get online and chat.
Take care!
I've no idea who you are, however when I used to teach (secondary) of all the nasty, horrible, useless, feckless idiots I taught...not one of them, not a single one I disliked. They had bad days, bad lessons, break ups and fights, however I never once met anyone who I disliked that much.
I'm reasonably certain then that you're okay, a good person, good at what you do and have friends and people who love you!
Therefore your mood is out of whack, my father died aged 49 when I was 20 and my mum in 2020 when I was 47!
It's left me somewhat empty I have to say, not especially miserable, just tired of most things.
Try and surround yourself with people who understand, talk to them, most people struggle (most of the time) and put brave faces on things.
If you're able to, avoid people who knock you down, they're probably empty and miserable inside too, however don't let them take it out on you.
If you'd like to, talk to the GP and get help, get online and chat.
Take care!
Sorry for your loss - bereavement can act as a trigger to bring up many repressed/suppressed emotions and unresolved issues. A friend died suddenly many years ago which was the trigger to take a much deeper look inside - I spent many years travelling the world, meditating, working with therapists and generally having a blast in life which I had been missing. Previously I had more than enough money and things - zero self fulfilment.
I would say take the time to dive bit deeper rather than just cover over the cracks to get by - as others have said be willing to open up to what's going on inside you and follow it.
I would say take the time to dive bit deeper rather than just cover over the cracks to get by - as others have said be willing to open up to what's going on inside you and follow it.
Thanks All. The comments are very useful, and given me lots of food for thought. While I don't believe I am suffering from depression, I agree that its worth while speaking to someone, and opening up a little bit. I defiantly don't do that now, and everything is kept to myself.
We have healthcare through work, and I know that due to COVID they have put more resources into mental health and the support they will provide. I will speak to my HR rep and see what options are available and take it forward.
Thanks again though...as I said its sometimes easy to write it down and talk to complete strangers rather than the people you love and care about.
We have healthcare through work, and I know that due to COVID they have put more resources into mental health and the support they will provide. I will speak to my HR rep and see what options are available and take it forward.
Thanks again though...as I said its sometimes easy to write it down and talk to complete strangers rather than the people you love and care about.
I don't know the answer to your question but you're not alone, and anxiety/depression is definitely a thing.
If you knew me you'd assume I was pretty robust (martial arts for decades), successful businessman etc. The loss of my Dad totally destroyed me emotionally to the point that I just wanted to be alone and cry like a baby. Nobody knew this because I bottled it up.This was 21 years ago and I still don't like thinking about it even now. The only thing that got me through was the knowledge that my family and colleagues relied on me for their incomes, so outwardly I soldiered on.
Dark days indeed.
As the saying goes, time does heal. Not completely but it becomes less potent.
Hope it works out for you.
PS: Wouldn't surprise me if Paternal Loss is actually a thing for males.
If you knew me you'd assume I was pretty robust (martial arts for decades), successful businessman etc. The loss of my Dad totally destroyed me emotionally to the point that I just wanted to be alone and cry like a baby. Nobody knew this because I bottled it up.This was 21 years ago and I still don't like thinking about it even now. The only thing that got me through was the knowledge that my family and colleagues relied on me for their incomes, so outwardly I soldiered on.
Dark days indeed.
As the saying goes, time does heal. Not completely but it becomes less potent.
Hope it works out for you.
PS: Wouldn't surprise me if Paternal Loss is actually a thing for males.
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