What to tell family… cut people out. Long read.
Discussion
I have been a practicing GP for some years. So when I noticed a lump on my breast I knew a screening was in order. The cancer grew quite fast and a mastectomy was unavoidable. It saved my life and I continued with my own practice.
Coming from a large family. There are 7 of us brothers and sisters. My dad’s side is huge with 12 brothers and 1 sister. The family have always had a vested interest in dad.
Dad was the favourite growing up. He was left a hefty chunk of inheritance. Naturally, some family members became bitter. It set us up and medicine at Oxford was funded. When dad passed the estate went to me.
Anyhow, my mum now has Stage 4 cancer and she has temporarily moved in with me. What started as a summer holiday visit to see grandchildren ended with a hospital visit.
Mum was looking quite poorly. She collapsed after profusely sweating. She thought she had a cold but far from it.
That’s the background. A toxic and bitter family not full of well wishers by any means.
My sister leaked to the family that mum is battling cancer. The same members who thought I was using a mastectomy as an excuse to cut them off are back to their games. Going through that was no fun and they showed their true colours. I was accused of faking it. Then pressured for updates and evidence. It was incredibly stressful.
It was always about dads house though. The one he left me because they felt entitled. I sold it not long ago and moved. Initially they thought I still lived alone in an 8 bedroom house. Until the mole spoke.
The so-called extended family are pestering me for my address to send mum flowers. In particular they are pressing my sister. It’s not about mum and we can all agree on that. It’s about where I live, how big the house is… and the usual jealousy.
As I said it’s a messy family with too much bitterness. They struggle to be happy for me. One aunt even said it on her death bed and her dying words were: “Your dad never deserved the inheritance. I hope you all rot in hell.” It was said to mum and I.
The sister that leaked the information about mum is now complaining to me how she feels stuck in the middle. How I have put her in a difficult position because people want to visit mum.
I’ve tried to problem solve it and said she could receive flowers at her address but she has declined. I have told her to say mum will be back at her own home in a month but she has declined. It’s not helping things because mum doesn’t want to be seen like this.
Mum has lost all her hair. We haven’t even chosen a wig yet. She’s not up for visitors. It’s such an emotional time for her. However, the leaky sister thinks mum should suck it up because family every right to see her.
Feels like between a rock and a hard place. If she had kept her mouth shut we could keep mums stress levels down.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Coming from a large family. There are 7 of us brothers and sisters. My dad’s side is huge with 12 brothers and 1 sister. The family have always had a vested interest in dad.
Dad was the favourite growing up. He was left a hefty chunk of inheritance. Naturally, some family members became bitter. It set us up and medicine at Oxford was funded. When dad passed the estate went to me.
Anyhow, my mum now has Stage 4 cancer and she has temporarily moved in with me. What started as a summer holiday visit to see grandchildren ended with a hospital visit.
Mum was looking quite poorly. She collapsed after profusely sweating. She thought she had a cold but far from it.
That’s the background. A toxic and bitter family not full of well wishers by any means.
My sister leaked to the family that mum is battling cancer. The same members who thought I was using a mastectomy as an excuse to cut them off are back to their games. Going through that was no fun and they showed their true colours. I was accused of faking it. Then pressured for updates and evidence. It was incredibly stressful.
It was always about dads house though. The one he left me because they felt entitled. I sold it not long ago and moved. Initially they thought I still lived alone in an 8 bedroom house. Until the mole spoke.
The so-called extended family are pestering me for my address to send mum flowers. In particular they are pressing my sister. It’s not about mum and we can all agree on that. It’s about where I live, how big the house is… and the usual jealousy.
As I said it’s a messy family with too much bitterness. They struggle to be happy for me. One aunt even said it on her death bed and her dying words were: “Your dad never deserved the inheritance. I hope you all rot in hell.” It was said to mum and I.
The sister that leaked the information about mum is now complaining to me how she feels stuck in the middle. How I have put her in a difficult position because people want to visit mum.
I’ve tried to problem solve it and said she could receive flowers at her address but she has declined. I have told her to say mum will be back at her own home in a month but she has declined. It’s not helping things because mum doesn’t want to be seen like this.
Mum has lost all her hair. We haven’t even chosen a wig yet. She’s not up for visitors. It’s such an emotional time for her. However, the leaky sister thinks mum should suck it up because family every right to see her.
Feels like between a rock and a hard place. If she had kept her mouth shut we could keep mums stress levels down.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Edited by Super_G on Thursday 12th August 06:31
Edited by Super_G on Thursday 12th August 06:34
Trying to get my sister to see that but she doesn’t find the reasoning good enough. I am planning on meeting her this evening and having it out. Not something I want to do or usually do but I don’t see any other way. She’s the type of sister who won’t talk to mum in years. No message no call no visit. Then pops up barking orders and acting like social services. The way I see it.. you’re either part of it or not.
Can't add to what's already said as I agree. Respect mum's wishes.
What I will say though is that have you thought about seeing someone yourself to help you deal with all this? Don't take this the wrong way, but GP's aren't great when it comes to looking after their own mental health. Might be worth having a chat with someone in the CMHT... Or look out of trust if you're worried about reputational damage.
What I will say though is that have you thought about seeing someone yourself to help you deal with all this? Don't take this the wrong way, but GP's aren't great when it comes to looking after their own mental health. Might be worth having a chat with someone in the CMHT... Or look out of trust if you're worried about reputational damage.
Yes I did. I did the Harley Street thing for £250 a pop an hour. It was actually enlightening. Helped me let go of a lot of things. I think I may need to go back though to learn how to manage toxic relationships. I have emailed the family updates but it’s not cutting it. People are pushing to see her and she doesn’t want to be seen that way. I know I wouldn’t. The option now appears to be to take her to a brothers house and they can visit her there and then I can bring her back to look after her. Ultimately we’re looking at end of life care and they can then visit her in the care home. For now she wants to spend some time with us and have some kind of normality. She has about 3 weeks left before we get that bed. They can all see her then but just cannot seem to help themselves.
Might be worth routing around the mole, and sending out a status update directly , which stamps on the idea of sending flowers (and anything else to get your address) i.e. Doris is doing well, and will be in a position to accept visitors at the end of September. The treatment means she is sensitive to flower pollen/the colour purple, so if you want to send flowers, please send some to your local hospital, and send us a picture. She sends love to all.
There seems to be two different issues here.
If it’s about your nice house and their jealousy then I’d say suck it up, you have nothing to apologise for and nothing to hide from them. If they don’t like it then they should stop looking but either way you need to remind yourself that none of that is a problem for you.
If it’s about your Mum’s choices and privacy then you go with what she wants every time and they (including your sister) have to accept it.
Just focus on looking after your Mum and stop thinking about their motivation or issues.
If it’s about your nice house and their jealousy then I’d say suck it up, you have nothing to apologise for and nothing to hide from them. If they don’t like it then they should stop looking but either way you need to remind yourself that none of that is a problem for you.
If it’s about your Mum’s choices and privacy then you go with what she wants every time and they (including your sister) have to accept it.
Just focus on looking after your Mum and stop thinking about their motivation or issues.
Super_G said:
I have been a practicing GP for some years. So when I noticed a lump on my breast I knew a screening was in order. The cancer grew quite fast and a mastectomy was unavoidable. It saved my life and I continued with my own practice.
Coming from a large family. There are 7 of us brothers and sisters. My dad’s side is huge with 12 brothers and 1 sister. The family have always had a vested interest in dad.
Dad was the favourite growing up. He was left a hefty chunk of inheritance. Naturally, some family members became bitter. It set us up and medicine at Oxford was funded. When dad passed the estate went to me.
Anyhow, my mum now has Stage 4 cancer and she has temporarily moved in with me. What started as a summer holiday visit to see grandchildren ended with a hospital visit.
Mum was looking quite poorly. She collapsed after profusely sweating. She thought she had a cold but far from it.
That’s the background. A toxic and bitter family not full of well wishers by any means.
My sister leaked to the family that mum is battling cancer. The same members who thought I was using a mastectomy as an excuse to cut them off are back to their games. Going through that was no fun and they showed their true colours. I was accused of faking it. Then pressured for updates and evidence. It was incredibly stressful.
It was always about dads house though. The one he left me because they felt entitled. I sold it not long ago and moved. Initially they thought I still lived alone in an 8 bedroom house. Until the mole spoke.
The so-called extended family are pestering me for my address to send mum flowers. In particular they are pressing my sister. It’s not about mum and we can all agree on that. It’s about where I live, how big the house is… and the usual jealousy.
As I said it’s a messy family with too much bitterness. They struggle to be happy for me. One aunt even said it on her death bed and her dying words were: “Your dad never deserved the inheritance. I hope you all rot in hell.” It was said to mum and I.
The sister that leaked the information about mum is now complaining to me how she feels stuck in the middle. How I have put her in a difficult position because people want to visit mum.
I’ve tried to problem solve it and said she could receive flowers at her address but she has declined. I have told her to say mum will be back at her own home in a month but she has declined. It’s not helping things because mum doesn’t want to be seen like this.
Mum has lost all her hair. We haven’t even chosen a wig yet. She’s not up for visitors. It’s such an emotional time for her. However, the leaky sister thinks mum should suck it up because family every right to see her.
Feels like between a rock and a hard place. If she had kept her mouth shut we could keep mums stress levels down.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
i think you have been incredibly brave against the oddsComing from a large family. There are 7 of us brothers and sisters. My dad’s side is huge with 12 brothers and 1 sister. The family have always had a vested interest in dad.
Dad was the favourite growing up. He was left a hefty chunk of inheritance. Naturally, some family members became bitter. It set us up and medicine at Oxford was funded. When dad passed the estate went to me.
Anyhow, my mum now has Stage 4 cancer and she has temporarily moved in with me. What started as a summer holiday visit to see grandchildren ended with a hospital visit.
Mum was looking quite poorly. She collapsed after profusely sweating. She thought she had a cold but far from it.
That’s the background. A toxic and bitter family not full of well wishers by any means.
My sister leaked to the family that mum is battling cancer. The same members who thought I was using a mastectomy as an excuse to cut them off are back to their games. Going through that was no fun and they showed their true colours. I was accused of faking it. Then pressured for updates and evidence. It was incredibly stressful.
It was always about dads house though. The one he left me because they felt entitled. I sold it not long ago and moved. Initially they thought I still lived alone in an 8 bedroom house. Until the mole spoke.
The so-called extended family are pestering me for my address to send mum flowers. In particular they are pressing my sister. It’s not about mum and we can all agree on that. It’s about where I live, how big the house is… and the usual jealousy.
As I said it’s a messy family with too much bitterness. They struggle to be happy for me. One aunt even said it on her death bed and her dying words were: “Your dad never deserved the inheritance. I hope you all rot in hell.” It was said to mum and I.
The sister that leaked the information about mum is now complaining to me how she feels stuck in the middle. How I have put her in a difficult position because people want to visit mum.
I’ve tried to problem solve it and said she could receive flowers at her address but she has declined. I have told her to say mum will be back at her own home in a month but she has declined. It’s not helping things because mum doesn’t want to be seen like this.
Mum has lost all her hair. We haven’t even chosen a wig yet. She’s not up for visitors. It’s such an emotional time for her. However, the leaky sister thinks mum should suck it up because family every right to see her.
Feels like between a rock and a hard place. If she had kept her mouth shut we could keep mums stress levels down.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Edited by Super_G on Thursday 12th August 06:31
Edited by Super_G on Thursday 12th August 06:34
do what you think is right for your mum and yourself - you know best and will act in your mums best interests
i thank god, lol - i have no contact with any family members since my parents died a few years ago
relatives - bloody parasites on a feeding frenzy
Sorry to hear about your situation, OP. Sounds extremely tough.
I can only speak from observation, and not from experience. If I’m wide of the mark please do ignore. And apologies for the length.
You have rightly identified there are lots of things going on here, which I think can be roughly split down into:
1. You mum’s health
2. Your own health - mental/emotional as well as physical
3. The relationship between you/your siblings/your mum over your mum’s health
4. The one you haven’t mentioned - but important not to lose sight of - your immediate family
5. Your ongoing relationship with your siblings
My thoughts:
1. Your mum’s health is a priority and she will need two things from you: your practical and professional knowledge and experience to get the best outcomes for her and also you love and compassion. It sounds like she’s getting both, which is wonderful and you should be proud you can do that for her. But there is going to need to be some give and take on your mum’s part - see 3 below.
2. This is the essential thing - right now you’re in the middle of everyone and potentially approaching a crisis point faster than you realise. I would take the advice above and find someone to speak to urgently. This is a priority and don’t try to push it to the back of your mind.
3. These guys are easy! As advised above, cut out the middle man and write to all of them. Treat them equally and openly (now is not the time for the petty battles of old). Explain clearly what the situation is, what your mum’s wishes are and then - most important - what you will do to try to help everyone meet in the middle. But that comes with a proviso - they also need to be willing to put down their personal interests in favour of your mum’s preferences (and that includes no fighting).
The second most important bit: your mum is going to have to swallow her pride and see her other kids. In many ways, it’s better she does it sooner rather than later as it is on her terms and not if she is in a de-personalised care environment. So you’re going to have to persuade her that she should do this now and that you will support her.
4. Not sure how old your own children are. But it’s worth speaking to them and explaining as best as you can. If they’re older/adults then they need to be able to self-support and to support you. But don’t place an unnecessary burden on them. If younger who can help with their care?
5. Deal with this later. It’s pretty clear how this will go. Remember point 2 - your own health is essential.
Good luck and check back in here when you want to vent….
I can only speak from observation, and not from experience. If I’m wide of the mark please do ignore. And apologies for the length.
You have rightly identified there are lots of things going on here, which I think can be roughly split down into:
1. You mum’s health
2. Your own health - mental/emotional as well as physical
3. The relationship between you/your siblings/your mum over your mum’s health
4. The one you haven’t mentioned - but important not to lose sight of - your immediate family
5. Your ongoing relationship with your siblings
My thoughts:
1. Your mum’s health is a priority and she will need two things from you: your practical and professional knowledge and experience to get the best outcomes for her and also you love and compassion. It sounds like she’s getting both, which is wonderful and you should be proud you can do that for her. But there is going to need to be some give and take on your mum’s part - see 3 below.
2. This is the essential thing - right now you’re in the middle of everyone and potentially approaching a crisis point faster than you realise. I would take the advice above and find someone to speak to urgently. This is a priority and don’t try to push it to the back of your mind.
3. These guys are easy! As advised above, cut out the middle man and write to all of them. Treat them equally and openly (now is not the time for the petty battles of old). Explain clearly what the situation is, what your mum’s wishes are and then - most important - what you will do to try to help everyone meet in the middle. But that comes with a proviso - they also need to be willing to put down their personal interests in favour of your mum’s preferences (and that includes no fighting).
The second most important bit: your mum is going to have to swallow her pride and see her other kids. In many ways, it’s better she does it sooner rather than later as it is on her terms and not if she is in a de-personalised care environment. So you’re going to have to persuade her that she should do this now and that you will support her.
4. Not sure how old your own children are. But it’s worth speaking to them and explaining as best as you can. If they’re older/adults then they need to be able to self-support and to support you. But don’t place an unnecessary burden on them. If younger who can help with their care?
5. Deal with this later. It’s pretty clear how this will go. Remember point 2 - your own health is essential.
Good luck and check back in here when you want to vent….
Edited by OMITN on Friday 13th August 13:33
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