Death of one parent - relationship with the other

[ComoEstas]

My mother died late 2019 and with lockdown no doubt making matters worse for him, my relationship with my father has deteriorated rapidly. One of the problems is that he doesn't see it that way. He had some face to face counselling prior to lockdown, which was continued with online counselling some months later (perhaps 10 sessions in total).

The situation has not been helped by his desire (focus) to get me and my narcissist brother talking again after he made the decision to cut me out of his life when mine started to move forward. There are elements even today in comms with my father that to me feel like he is still being directed by my brother ie "I'm not going if he's going" sort of behaviour. Has anyone else had similar issues with the remaining parent? Do I just keep contact to birthdays/Christmas etc for my sanity?

[dirky dirk]

its not since my dad popped off i realised my mum is a complete berk,

anything we do now, is purely because its the right thing to do, its not out of love,


id suggest you tell your dad you dont envisage your brother relastinoshi changing, and him forcing it is damaging yours

[ComoEstas]

Thanks yeh I've mentioned that to him a few times. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't. He's got a very selective memory when it comes to things we've said in the past, which isn't helpful. Recently my father also put his foot in it with my in-laws and seems incredulous when I say he should make amends.

[How u doing]

dirky dirk said:

its not since my dad popped off i realised my mum is a complete berk,

anything we do now, is purely because its the right thing to do, its not out of love,


id suggest you tell your dad you dont envisage your brother relastinoshi changing, and him forcing it is damaging yours

I can relate to this. Sounds like your dad needs a project, and reuniting siblings is it.

[ComoEstas]

I think you're right, he's in denial about it.

Getting on for three years ago when my mother spoke to my brother on the phone on what turned out to be her last weekend alive, she told him that if she had a final wish, it would be to see her two sons in the same room again, to which my brother's reply was "nah, not gonna happen".

I'm talking about a now 40-year old professional who would continue to bad mouth me and my wife at my mother's funeral, but to other family members, not to us directly. Cutting him off is the best thing. Just a shame I might have to do the same with my father.

Thanks for the replies!

[Pit Pony]

My single, bitter 56 year old sister who lives alone and whose hobbies are basically those of my parents, has been a right cow to my wife and kids for most of the last 28 years.
All very subtle though. Butter would not melt.
The other week she started to create some st at my sons wedding, which luckily my brother in law put back in its place and pretty much warned her to shut the fk up.
When my parents do die, both in their 80s, I doubt I'll keep in touch. But the current problem I have is that I want my parents to visit, but I don't want her to come. And she lives near them and will try to take control, and turn it into a st fest.

[Pothole]

ComoEstas said:

Cutting him off is the best thing. Just a shame I might have to do the same with my father.

Thanks for the replies!

Will it really be that much of a shame? It's a shame you haven't been able to have a really good relationship with the old boy, but given that's the case, will it really be something to lament if that not great relationship doesn't continue? The time comes when you need to look after you.

[ComoEstas]

Sorry to hear about that Pit Pony.

Pothole, you're right, it won't be a shame once a bit of time has passed, most likely. Once my mother's ashes are done, that'll be it as far as I'm concerned.

[zedstar]

ComoEstas said:

I'm talking about a now 40-year old professional who would continue to bad mouth me and my wife at my mother's funeral, but to other family members, not to us directly. Cutting him off is the best thing. Just a shame I might have to do the same with my father.

I don't know whether this is a possibility, but, why not suggest you're quite happy to discuss the matter during some form of family counselling. If it is as important to him as he makes out then this at least gives you an environment to discuss openly with him where he is forced to listen.

IME parents are often being coaxed and manipulated by one child and its very hard for them to see 'sense' when the input from one of them is 10 times the other. I'm not saying don't cut him off but your dad may be in a vulnerable position.

[ComoEstas]

zedstar said:

but, why not suggest you're quite happy to discuss the matter during some form of family counselling.

Thanks for this and it's a good point, and whilst I've previously suggested one-2-one as opposed to family counselling, his response is "I don't need counselling, how dare you" etc. I suspect he'd say the same to the suggestion of family counselling, as he'd well know his argument would not stack up to a third party either.

Once I've been to the second scattering of my mother's ashes, whenever he has that sorted, I'm going to leave him to it. He's away for a month soon so perhaps a change of scenery might do him good.

Editing to say you're spot on with your point about one being 10 times louder than the other!

[anonymous-user]

dirky dirk said:

its not since my dad popped off i realised my mum is a complete berk,

anything we do now, is purely because its the right thing to do, its not out of love,

id suggest you tell your dad you dont envisage your brother relastinoshi changing, and him forcing it is damaging yours

With regards to the bit in bold: I really hope it doesn’t happen for many years, but myself and my brother have had a conversation and both agreed that whichever of our parents dies first, it will potentially become a nightmare for us.

If our Dad is left on his own, he will just instantly become someone who cannot look after himself in the slightest. He has never cooked, cleaned, bought himself clothes, paid the household bills, done the shopping, and so on. My mother was highly efficient at all that, he just had to work and earn money, which he was extremely good at. He will just fall apart if he doesn’t have someone organising all the domestic stuff for him.

If it is our Mum who is left on her own, we suspect she will become very demanding and attempt to be controlling over us, likely using money/inheritance as a tool or threat to achieve this. She has always been very strict and old fashioned, when we were in our 20’s she would tell us to get rid of girlfriends she didn’t like and was practically attempting arranged marriages at one point. She used to cry and throw a tantrum if one of us did something like changed jobs without ‘speaking with her first’ as she is ‘the mother of the family’ and that sort of thing continued into our 30’s. It was real ‘Downton Abbey’ stuff. My Dad always kept her in check much of the time, but if he isn’t around then we dread to think what she will be like, especially as older age seems to be bringing out a more belligerent streak in her.

Fun times.

[dirky dirk]

Lord Marylebone said:

dirky dirk said:

its not since my dad popped off i realised my mum is a complete berk,

anything we do now, is purely because its the right thing to do, its not out of love,

id suggest you tell your dad you dont envisage your brother relastinoshi changing, and him forcing it is damaging yours

With regards to the bit in bold: I really hope it doesn’t happen for many years, but myself and my brother have had a conversation and both agreed that whichever of our parents dies first, it will potentially become a nightmare for us.

If our Dad is left on his own, he will just instantly become someone who cannot look after himself in the slightest. He has never cooked, cleaned, bought himself clothes, paid the household bills, done the shopping, and so on. My mother was highly efficient at all that, he just had to work and earn money, which he was extremely good at. He will just fall apart if he doesn’t have someone organising all the domestic stuff for him.

If it is our Mum who is left on her own, we suspect she will become very demanding and attempt to be controlling over us, likely using money/inheritance as a tool or threat to achieve this. She has always been very strict and old fashioned, when we were in our 20’s she would tell us to get rid of girlfriends she didn’t like and was practically attempting arranged marriages at one point. She used to cry and throw a tantrum if one of us did something like changed jobs without ‘speaking with her first’ as she is ‘the mother of the family’ and that sort of thing continued into our 30’s. It was real ‘Downton Abbey’ stuff. My Dad always kept her in check much of the time, but if he isn’t around then we dread to think what she will be like, especially as older age seems to be bringing out a more belligerent streak in her.

Fun times.

My dad was a gent, no mither at all, even during prolonged cancer ops,
my mum on the other hand complained about going with him to christies

hed been ill for sometime never been to the doctors in fifty years,
mum queries outcomes and results most days and never has a good word to say,
the end result for us, is taking her for various second opinions, and appointments which she insinuates malpractice are pretty much a full time occupation for my sister,
shes a depressive narcissistic, and berates everyone,

last time i was there she was telling me she cant walk, and cant see
the time before that he was telling the wife about the ladies in the local shops are very nice,and how she was knitting hats for a baby unit

must have the correct tv guide must have a particular cat food,must have pre grated cheese, rather than use a grater,
manys the night ive had a text from her saying the lights are off and the heatings on etc etc, and ive drove round and its never been the case
i must say though shes as sharp as a tack, facebook amazon ebay you name it, not bad for 87