Partner is bullying our child

[LP200]

Hi all. I'm a fairly regular user and I'm posting here as I have registered as a new user so not allowed to post in The Lounge for 14 days.
Not sure where to start on this but could really do with advice on where to turn to assistance. Basically, my partner has been bullying our autistic son (10). It has been going on for a few years and is mainly verbal but has spilled over to physical lashing-out. Each time it happens I try to convince myself that it will stop but it always happens again. I make my disgust known to her but she honestly seems to think she is not in the wrong and blames my son for 'getting on her nerves' etc. Yes, like every 10 year old boy he can be cheeky and bolshy but she seems to almost not believe that challenging behaviour , verbal stimming etc is part of his diagnosis. Even if it wasn't - child bullying is wrong.
All I want is for it to stop and for the family to be harmonious but as long as she is in denial I cant see that happening. Part of me wants to report it to 'the authorities' but i dread to think of the implications there. She clearly has anger issues and I want her to get help for them but a) she is in denial and b) My first priority is protect my son.

Any words of advice, especially of based on experience, would be very much welcome.
Thank you

[Taita]

Is she the mum or your partner (eg not the bio mum)?

[LP200]

She is his mum. We've been together since before his was born.

[Mastodon2]

When you say "bullying", what do you mean? What does she say to him? What level of physical contact are we talking about?

[Drive it fix it repeat]

Depends what she is doing to your son, whatever it is for you to be here posting about it clearly it has gone too far already. Don’t stand for it. Abuse against a child is sickeningly pathetic on the part of the abuser. Next time you see her do it give her the hairdryer treatment and see how she likes the feeling of being intimidated.

[Muzzer79]

Mastodon2 said:

When you say "bullying", what do you mean? What does she say to him? What level of physical contact are we talking about?

This.

The action will depend on what exactly your wife is doing to him.

Drive it fix it repeat said:

Next time you see her do it give her the hairdryer treatment and see how she likes the feeling of being intimidated.

Don't do this.

[LP200]

Mastodon2 said:

When you say "bullying", what do you mean? What does she say to him? What level of physical contact are we talking about?

Everything from aggressive looks, clenching fist, phycological bullying (e.g. saying she can't stand him and his sister doesn't love him), name- calling to face and loudly within earshot, swearing at him, pushing, grabbing arm and digging nails in, pushing grabbing face, grabbing neck

[extraT]

LP200 said:

Everything from aggressive looks, clenching fist, phycological bullying (e.g. saying she can't stand him and his sister doesn't love him), name- calling to face and loudly within earshot, swearing at him, pushing, grabbing arm and digging nails in, pushing grabbing face, grabbing neck

Seriously? You’re asking on a car forum what to do, when you see physical acts of violence? Get a grip man, give your head a fking wobble and get down to the police station - get a restraining order and get the fk away from her. That is your child and your are his father- it’s your job to protect him.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

[okgo]

fking hell, how do people live with this stuff and let it go?

That is shameful behavior that needs sorting now, before it's too late in many different ways, not least your son bearing lasting damage, mentally and perhaps one day physically.

Act quickly.

Edited by okgo on Thursday 8th April 10:59

[Gary29]

extraT said:

LP200 said:

Everything from aggressive looks, clenching fist, phycological bullying (e.g. saying she can't stand him and his sister doesn't love him), name- calling to face and loudly within earshot, swearing at him, pushing, grabbing arm and digging nails in, pushing grabbing face, grabbing neck

Seriously? You’re asking on a car forum what to do, when you see physical acts of violence? Get a grip man, give your head a fking wobble and get down to the police station - get a restraining order and get the fk away from her. That is your child and your are his father- it’s your job to protect him.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

Yep that sounds levels above some friendly advice from a car forum and a job for the local authorities.

I know there are a few chaps on here with experiences of working in social services, so hopefully they can guide you in the best direction to get the help required.

[bristolbaron]

First step would be:

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-supp...

To speak with someone who will better understand what you’re going through and offer support based on experience.

You’re also welcome to PM me your number, I’m happy to chat in confidence.

[carlove]

It’s clear from your post you still care for her, but my first thought is she needs to go. She sounds like a really nasty piece of work, there’s much nicer women about who would treat your son a lot nicer.

I doubt she’ll change, and I think it’ll only get worse, and it will have a detrimental effect on his mental health as he gets older (if it hasn’t already). I have seen the effects this has as the child reaches teenage years, and it’s really very sad.

[BoRED S2upid]

Is she with him alone while you are at work? I’d be concerned it could be worse when you aren’t there. Could you record this bullying? Maybe if she sees her behaviour she may not be in denial but either way it’s got to stop the police may help and I don’t mean by taking her away but by having a word.

If I were you and you don’t want to go to the authorities I’d be removing him as soon as you see any bullying take him away from her to let her calm down.

There are probably charities out there to help parents who can’t cope.

[Mastodon2]

LP200 said:

Everything from aggressive looks, clenching fist, phycological bullying (e.g. saying she can't stand him and his sister doesn't love him), name- calling to face and loudly within earshot, swearing at him, pushing, grabbing arm and digging nails in, pushing grabbing face, grabbing neck

Aha, I was interested to know what you meant by "bullying", whether it was just calling him thick and giving him an aggressive prod in the chest while telling him off or if it was something more. Sadly you have confirmed my fears - this sounds more like child abuse.

I'd probably try and get some of this behaviour on camera, even covertly, because it might be useful to have some of that footage in your back pocket when the st hits the fan.

Your son needs you to look out for him and protect him from his mother, she doesn't sound fit to be around children.

[dudleybloke]

She sounds like she could be on the spectrum herself.
Nonetheless, it's no way to treat a child and she needs a good kick up the (metaphorically of course).

[mike9009]

It's sounds very difficult, as presumably you love your partner too.

The behaviours your partner is demonstrating will be emulated by the child. And it will continue to escalate.....as your son responds in a similar manner.

You need to calmly sit down with your partner and explain this and 'maybe' suggest counselling to help with her 'anger' fuelled behaviour. It will then allow your son to calm down too. I'd clearly explain where this might all end up, social services, police etc. Maybe get her to read this thread??

You still need discipline with your son (and partner) but she needs methods to express her displeasure. ( Sending to room, grounding, talking to Dad, whatever might work). Conversely positive praise is a great way of turning it around and 'almost' ignoring the bad behaviour.

I have similar but less extreme issues between my wife and daughter occasionally, which escalate into full blown rows. Trying to coach my wife through it, that when my daughter makes a snide remark to not react, but react when something good happens.....

Hope it can be turned round. Best of luck.

Edited by mike9009 on Thursday 8th April 11:22

[LP200]

Thank you for your replies so far, everyone. It really is a horrible situation. I have some proof but not video. I have kept notes on my phone of some of the occasions and have an audio recording of me asking him about an instance but sadly I don't think this will be enough.

[BoRED S2upid]

LP200 said:

Thank you for your replies so far, everyone. It really is a horrible situation. I have some proof but not video. I have kept notes on my phone of some of the occasions and have an audio recording of me asking him about an instance but sadly I don't think this will be enough.

I doubt it will be as presumably he can’t confirm what has happened? It will be your word against her and your a man. You need evidence. IMO.

Does she leave marks? You said finger nails in arm. Photos of that?

[usn90]

As sad as this sounds I encourage you to gain some video evidence before going down any official route.

What happens when she gets wind that you’ve reported her and she then claims it’s you who is doing the abusing?

It’s wrong but the stereotypes of the father or mother being the abuser is stacked in the mothers favour with the majority.

I’d also be extremely worried about leaving him with her alone, if she does all that with you present I’d dread to think...

[HRL]

bristolbaron said:

First step would be:

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-supp...

To speak with someone who will better understand what you’re going through and offer support based on experience.

You’re also welcome to PM me your number, I’m happy to chat in confidence.

^^^ This. A kind offer and one you should probably take up on. PH does have its moments.