Any advice on how to stop asking - 'Why me?'

[toohuge]

All,

It's been a little rough mentally for me following a traumatic incident when I was 18 (I'm 32 now). I am pleased to say, that I am a million miles better than I was back in 2016/17 following a marriage breakdown etc.

Anyway, recently, I have had some set backs re. finding an internship after coming back to Uni and things have been really unpleasant in my head for a while, there have been times I've just cried driving home from work (I'm on an internship year atm from uni) as the voices in my head keep telling me I'm useless and that things will never be better and I'm a fool for going back to Uni etc etc. As you can imagine it is pretty unpleasant.

When things get bleak and I have time to think myself I slip into this dark place, fuelled by angry and frustration, that spirals into me always questioning 'Why me?'. Which I hate as it takes me back into victimhood vs. survivor and totally smashes my confidence.

I am looking into EMDR therapy to help resolve the ptsd symptoms as when I start to spiral, I get really, really violent flash backs of times where I have been hurt in the past - and there's no other word for it, it's savage.

I guess I'm trying to really move past the victim stage and onto something better, more stable and ultimately happier for myself. Anyone dealt with this before?

Thanks guys

[frisbee]

Getting an internship this year is an achievement. My company was one of the few that is still doing internships during the pandemic. The intern I work with said only 5 people on his course managed to get one this year.

People who go back to study always impress me. I got all my (formal) learning out the way in one go, I don't think I could motivate myself to go back.

It's very easy to focus your own negatives and skip over the positives.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

toohuge said:

When things get bleak and I have time to think myself I slip into this dark place, fuelled by angry and frustration, that spirals into me always questioning 'Why me?'.

2 things.

1. The harsh reality.....Why not you? Crap stuff is always going to happen, so why should you be exempt? What makes you so special, that traumatic accidents should somehow bypass you.

2. The optimistic view......if you feel sad because you have no shoes, meet the bloke with no feet. No matter what your traumatic accident was, and no matter what you're going thru, there's loads of people at there going thru much worse. So ask yourself "why me....why have I avoided a terminal illness/house burning down/born in a war zone/victim of famine etc. etc.

[CinnamonFan]

A few things here.

First, are the voices inside your head or outside? Can you hear them as if its someone stood close to you speaking? If so, see a psychatrist or failing that your GP.

Second, you are not at fault for what happened to you. You are responsible for how you manage it.

Yes its difficult, but you can make progress with it. Little by little, one day at a time.

[toohuge]

CinnamonFan said:

A few things here.

First, are the voices inside your head or outside? Can you hear them as if its someone stood close to you speaking? If so, see a psychatrist or failing that your GP.

Second, you are not at fault for what happened to you. You are responsible for how you manage it.

Yes its difficult, but you can make progress with it. Little by little, one day at a time.

The voices in my head, sound like my own voice - but as if someone is speaking next to me. It's debilitating at times, and totally soul crushing to hear your own voice telling you these things.

Yes - I am well aware it is up to me to manage what has happened, it's a fairly major incident and sadly, not an accident.

[Terminator X]

I guess it is far more complex than this but surely you can't do anything about past events so just make the best of what you have now.

TX.

[QuickQuack]

Following longterm experiences from childhood onwards rather than a single event, I found that my feelings eventually turned from being a victim and inadequacy to anger and fury. At first the anger was useful, but eventually began to damage me, and finally I started EMDR. It has made an enormous difference to me and to my family too. Two and a half years ago, I was in a very dark place, but now I feel completely transformed. EMDR hasn't been a bed of roses, but it has given me my life, my wife and my children back.

It's ok to be angry, it's actually a very useful feeling, especially if you can channel it into something positive. It may be useful to try to concentrate on the injustice of being the victim and allowing the anger to rise a little (but not letting get destructive).

Good luck.

[toohuge]

QuickQuack said:

Following longterm experiences from childhood onwards rather than a single event, I found that my feelings eventually turned from being a victim and inadequacy to anger and fury. At first the anger was useful, but eventually began to damage me, and finally I started EMDR. It has made an enormous difference to me and to my family too. Two and a half years ago, I was in a very dark place, but now I feel completely transformed. EMDR hasn't been a bed of roses, but it has given me my life, my wife and my children back.

It's ok to be angry, it's actually a very useful feeling, especially if you can channel it into something positive. It may be useful to try to concentrate on the injustice of being the victim and allowing the anger to rise a little (but not letting get destructive).

Good luck.

Thank you for sharing.

I’m very encouraged to hear about the progress you’ve made with emdr. I read about it in a book recently and I’m aware it’s not guaranteed to work - but the success rates are impressive.

I’m fed up with the compromises/ affects it’s had on and continues to have on my personal and at times, professional life and it’s totally exhausting.

[MWM3]

toohuge said:

All,

It's been a little rough mentally for me following a traumatic incident when I was 18 (I'm 32 now). I am pleased to say, that I am a million miles better than I was back in 2016/17 following a marriage breakdown etc.

Anyway, recently, I have had some set backs re. finding an internship after coming back to Uni and things have been really unpleasant in my head for a while, there have been times I've just cried driving home from work (I'm on an internship year atm from uni) as the voices in my head keep telling me I'm useless and that things will never be better and I'm a fool for going back to Uni etc etc. As you can imagine it is pretty unpleasant.

When things get bleak and I have time to think myself I slip into this dark place, fuelled by angry and frustration, that spirals into me always questioning 'Why me?'. Which I hate as it takes me back into victimhood vs. survivor and totally smashes my confidence.

I am looking into EMDR therapy to help resolve the ptsd symptoms as when I start to spiral, I get really, really violent flash backs of times where I have been hurt in the past - and there's no other word for it, it's savage.

I guess I'm trying to really move past the victim stage and onto something better, more stable and ultimately happier for myself. Anyone dealt with this before?

Thanks guys

I'm lucky not to be one that really struggles with my mental health. I know it is easy to say but I always try and look for the positives in every situation, good or bad. Remember and hold onto the positives and use the negatives to learn from and move forward.

If I am pissed off I also tend to let it out there and then, rather than hold onto it and let it expotentially boil up. That way 5 mins later I am over it and can move on and be productive again.

Also I would recommend talking to friends/family and share your thoughts, again don;t let it boil up inside of you, you will feel much better once the negativity is out of your mind. Your friends and family will help you realise it isn;t as bad as you think it is in your own mind.

Remember we all have st we go through (absolutely everyone), it isn't just you, it is everybody! Remain strong, look for positives and don;t let the negatives boil up.

Apologies in advance if this come off, as just a "man up" post, it is not intended in that way.

And as a final bit of advice I tell myself everytime something gets difficult, you may be having a tough time now but you will get through it, this challenge will be over soon. You will look back in an hour, day, week, month or year and think that was a bit crap but I made it through and I'm stronger for it now. Always look for the positives.

Edited by MWM3 on Saturday 27th March 09:55

Edited by MWM3 on Saturday 27th March 09:57

[toohuge]

Thank you for all of your input guys.

No apologies needed from any of you and I appreciate those who have taking the time to respond to my initial post.

I have had a bit of a roller coaster 2 weeks, meeting a new person in my life, that in actual fact, would have been bad news. It has certainly been a journey.

With all that said, I have proactively working on removing the victim mindset from my life, and using a lot of the suggestions mentioned here. I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote the initial post, I was confused and frustrated with my confusion and lack of ability to think in a more positive, optimistic manner.

Since the OP, I have been researching ways to improve my wellbeing and self acceptance, the last point seems to be a huge thing for me, but I am pleased that this is all coming up now. I am fed up with how my life has been guided by my insecurities and although painful, I am determined to make progress on this to live a better, more fulfilling and ultimately more authentic life.

[Skyrocket21]

toohuge said:

All,

It's been a little rough mentally for me following a traumatic incident when I was 18 (I'm 32 now). I am pleased to say, that I am a million miles better than I was back in 2016/17 following a marriage breakdown etc.

Anyway, recently, I have had some set backs re. finding an internship after coming back to Uni and things have been really unpleasant in my head for a while, there have been times I've just cried driving home from work (I'm on an internship year atm from uni) as the voices in my head keep telling me I'm useless and that things will never be better and I'm a fool for going back to Uni etc etc. As you can imagine it is pretty unpleasant.

When things get bleak and I have time to think myself I slip into this dark place, fuelled by angry and frustration, that spirals into me always questioning 'Why me?'. Which I hate as it takes me back into victimhood vs. survivor and totally smashes my confidence.

I am looking into EMDR therapy to help resolve the ptsd symptoms as when I start to spiral, I get really, really violent flash backs of times where I have been hurt in the past - and there's no other word for it, it's savage.

I guess I'm trying to really move past the victim stage and onto something better, more stable and ultimately happier for myself. Anyone dealt with this before?

Thanks guys

What you're describing is most likely intrusive thoughts, we all like to believe we're in control of our thoughts, in the background it's running automated all the time, that dialogue can be negative or positive, it can be very stressful too, some people can believe they're going crazy.

In times of high anxiety and stress these thoughts come to the forfront of our minds and can take on a life of their own, so we start to focus on them and they can become the actual problem and very painful.

You need to look at what you can do right now, there is all sorts of things from cognitive behavioural therapy, to head space apps, I honestly believe if you can try some intense exercise such a riding a bike or going for a run, a rowing machine etc, something that will distract you and tire you out, if you're not into such things, then any highly focused thing will help, gardening, music art, that's your free time from whatever troubles you.

There's all sorts of things out there from yoga to mindfulness that may well help, reading a book at night time when your head could be mulling over things, have a decent routine to quieten your mind, seperate yourself from the thoughts, not many people realise this is possible.

If like you say you may well be experiencing post traumatic stress, then the EMDR therapy will help hugely with the intrusive thoughts. Does your mind sometimes feel out of conrol and you get rapid thoughts or is it all negative background chatter? You could well be suffering some bad anxiety, look up "complex post traumatic stress disorder" it may fit the bill.

Remember you are not your thoughts, so telling them to go away or shut up if they're unhelpful is sometimes a way of seperating yourself from them. If it's a reoccuring theme relating back to your trauma, I would seek out some talking therapies, you're not alone, so if you feel in a really dark place, seek out help even if it's just a quick chat.

Remember there's a lot of time since this trauma passed, you're not the same person anymore, you're stronger and more capable at what life throws at you now, so turn that anger energy into someting productive and postive, hopefully through some help and self care you can move forward from the past and maybe confront it and accept it, this might be a big long climb, you'll get there though, take care, it will get better!

[105.4]

toohuge said:

Anyway, recently, I have had some set backs re. finding an internship after coming back to Uni and things have been really unpleasant in my head for a while, there have been times I've just cried driving home from work (I'm on an internship year atm from uni) as the voices in my head keep telling me I'm useless and that things will never be better and I'm a fool for going back to Uni etc etc. As you can imagine it is pretty unpleasant.

Anyone dealt with this before?

Yep, been there, done that.

Sorry to hear that your head is in a dark place. I know first hand just how utterly awful it can be, and sometimes I still find myself getting close to that point.

I’ve highlighted the bit about you feeling useless as IMO this is the easiest bit to fix, (easy being the relative word).

What have you achieved? You’ve gone back to Uni, got an internship during very difficult financial times and against I imagine, so pretty stiff competition.

You’re far from useless. Truth be told, you’re probably the cream of the crop.

Look, you’ve got two choices. You can either sink or swim. You’re seeing just how bad sinking can be, and to sink completely is going to be worse, much worse, than what you’re going through now. You don’t want that do you?

How I got my head straight during my bad wobble back in 2008 was by turning off the doom & gloom on the news channels, eating healthily and exercising. Slowly but surely, over a few months, the state of my head improved. I slowly walked in to a happier place.

There’s only one person who can make that happen for you. It isn’t a Shrink. It’s you. You’re the one who’s got to take that tough first step and say ‘I ain’t going to live like this any more’. You’re not alone. So many other people have walked the same crappy path before you. If they can do it, so can you.

Another couple of things that I think are important to concentrate on, (which other posters have already mentioned), is the fact that you can’t change what’s already happened in the past. That stuffs done and dusted. All you can change is what happens today, tomorrow, next week and next year.

Sure, there’s going to be ups and downs. That’s life. You remember that scene from the film Forest Gump, “life is like a box of chocolates”? Well, every once in a while you’ve got to eat one of those awful strawberry creames.

And most importantly of all, however bad you think things are going for you, just stop and take a look around. You’ll see that there are people far worse off than you. Concentrate on the good things, the positives, focus on your strengths. You’re not perfect, nobody expects you to be, and despite the bluff and bullst from some people, nobody is perfect. We are all flawed.

What are your strengths? What are your achievements? I’ll wager there are loads. Try listing them and I bet it will be a lot bigger list than you’d expect it to be.

[toohuge]

105.4 said:

Yep, been there, done that.

Sorry to hear that your head is in a dark place. I know first hand just how utterly awful it can be, and sometimes I still find myself getting close to that point.

I’ve highlighted the bit about you feeling useless as IMO this is the easiest bit to fix, (easy being the relative word).

What have you achieved? You’ve gone back to Uni, got an internship during very difficult financial times and against I imagine, so pretty stiff competition.

You’re far from useless. Truth be told, you’re probably the cream of the crop.

Look, you’ve got two choices. You can either sink or swim. You’re seeing just how bad sinking can be, and to sink completely is going to be worse, much worse, than what you’re going through now. You don’t want that do you?

How I got my head straight during my bad wobble back in 2008 was by turning off the doom & gloom on the news channels, eating healthily and exercising. Slowly but surely, over a few months, the state of my head improved. I slowly walked in to a happier place.

There’s only one person who can make that happen for you. It isn’t a Shrink. It’s you. You’re the one who’s got to take that tough first step and say ‘I ain’t going to live like this any more’. You’re not alone. So many other people have walked the same crappy path before you. If they can do it, so can you.

Another couple of things that I think are important to concentrate on, (which other posters have already mentioned), is the fact that you can’t change what’s already happened in the past. That stuffs done and dusted. All you can change is what happens today, tomorrow, next week and next year.

Sure, there’s going to be ups and downs. That’s life. You remember that scene from the film Forest Gump, “life is like a box of chocolates”? Well, every once in a while you’ve got to eat one of those awful strawberry creames.

And most importantly of all, however bad you think things are going for you, just stop and take a look around. You’ll see that there are people far worse off than you. Concentrate on the good things, the positives, focus on your strengths. You’re not perfect, nobody expects you to be, and despite the bluff and bullst from some people, nobody is perfect. We are all flawed.

What are your strengths? What are your achievements? I’ll wager there are loads. Try listing them and I bet it will be a lot bigger list than you’d expect it to be.

Thank you 105.4

I really appreciate you taking the time to give your opinion and advice, especially considering what you have your plate right now, in your other thread.

I realise this is now the time to deal with all this, as in my moments of darkness, I have found myself saying: 'I'm fed up, I can't continue to live my life like this'. I am on a journey of self discovery and really, really need to learn to love, accept and be proud of myself.

[105.4]

toohuge said:

Thank you 105.4

No worries

If ever you want to PM me to bh and moan, feel free to do so.

Good luck and keep on smiling. Tomorrow is a new day

[Prof Prolapse]

That's the thing a lot of people don't understand about going through hell, you often end up carrying a piece of it with you.

I can't offer you much sage advice in terms of what help you should get, we're all different, but any help is better than none. Anything that keeps you going is worth doing.

It's normal to feel doubt at times of huge turmoil, especially with underlying mental health issues, but ultimately you are the master of your fate, not your negative voices. You've only just begun this new journey, only you have the power to succeed or fail, and you made these choices for good reasons. So, in the absence of an alternative path, why don't you give it absolutely everything and see where you end up?

I'm nothing special, but it worked for me.

[MWM3]

I don't know if motivational videos will help you but if they do check out David Goggins... a fat overweight man who was a bit of a loser turned himself into one of the hardest men on the planet.

He has a straight talking no nonsense approach. You'll think he is crazy at first but he actually talks a lot of sense.

[105.4]

MWM3 said:

I don't know if motivational videos will help you but if they do check out David Goggins... a fat overweight man who was a bit of a loser turned himself into one of the hardest men on the planet.

He has a straight talking no nonsense approach. You'll think he is crazy at first but he actually talks a lot of sense.

I’ve never heard of him, but I’ll be sure to check him out now on the strength of your recommendation

[Four Litre]

MWM3 said:

I don't know if motivational videos will help you but if they do check out David Goggins... a fat overweight man who was a bit of a loser turned himself into one of the hardest men on the planet.

He has a straight talking no nonsense approach. You'll think he is crazy at first but he actually talks a lot of sense.

I have a two conditions that leave me in permanent pain. However I try to think - why not me instead of why me. Like others have said it can always be worse- somehow. Sounds morbid but when I read an article of somebody with something way worse than me I recall it when Im having a bad day and think WTF am I moaning about. Even saved a few shocking articles!!

Look up Dave Goggins on insta as Ive found him to be quite motivational. Remind yourself that everyday wont be perfect and some days the sun will always shine.

In the wise words of Goggins ‘Stay Hard!’

[ReverendCounter]

OP, you can shut those voices down, you know. You take control, you're the one holding the power over them, not the other way around.

Next time you hear this critical voice, you shut it down by being as aggressive as you want, as it needs to be. You tell them to shut the fk up and to fk off. And you take any one of the beautiful memories and experiences you've had in your life, and you focus on those. Play through those memories and images - holidays, barbecues, funny events, nights out etc etc etc. Recall your successes, your wins and re-establish control by revisiting them when you start to feel bad or helpless. Train your mind to shut down the negativity and switch to positive experiences. Make a list if you want.

You scare the st out of those voices by telling them to fk off. You haven't just had a bad experience in the past, you've survived it and flourished by going back to uni to better yourself. You tell that voice that you're better than them - you make the decisions around here, not them. You're the one making the choices on how to deal with issues that come up outside of your control, not them. They're not capable of doing what you are. You hold the keys to your success. You fight those bds.

[oldbanger]

I had a very turbulent childhood and have had anxiety and depression off and on since childhood, particularly characterised by intrusive thoughts. I also had flashbacks right into my late 20s.

If you haven’t spoken to any professionals then I strongly suggest you do so. EMDR can definitely help - this is something I have tried in the past. I’ve also used sensorimotor psychotherapy, CBT, TRE.

Ultimately the thing that has helped me most of all is mindfulness. Although it hasn’t ‘cured’ me, things are massively better and i have understood that a lot of my thoughts are basically mental tics. A lot of eastern traditions ( Buddhism, Taoism, Jainism etc) see the mind as an additional sense with mindfulness often used as a technique to separate thinking from the self. One person who has quite successfully translated this thinking for the west is Eckhart Tolle.

In the west we also have the likes of Claire Weekes and the Stoic movement which came out of Ancient Greece and is still very popular with senior politicians.

I would also add that a few other things will affect your ability to tolerate anxious thinking - deficiencies such as magnesium and vitamin D3 are strongly linked to anxiety disorders; caffeine, alcohol, veg oil (omega 6) and sugar intake can have an effect; fish oil supplements (omega 3) can also influence mood, poor sleep raises cortisol levels; and increased exercise and sunlight are also believed to raise mood. None of these are magic bullets but if you want an all round lifestyle change then they can definitely help.

Good luck. Well done on the internship. You have done bloody well, your thinking is not telling you how it really is

Edited to add - also don’t be afraid to speak to your GP and possibly trying medication as a short to mid term thing to keep you going whilst things are feeling tough.

Edited by oldbanger on Monday 5th April 03:09