Relationship deteriorating in last 12 months

[Andy665]

Don't know if its just me, if I'm being unreasonable or if others are in the same boat as me

Married coming up 17 years now, some rough times but last couple of years have been pretty good.

Since the 1st lockdown I'm feeling increasingly bored, feels like an existence rather than a life, there is less conversation, more time being spent in different parts of the house etc

I work from home so actually don't get much interaction with other people, rarely go out (apart from to walk the dogs), OH does go out to work and gets a decent amount of interaction with other people. Until yesterday I was the one solely responsible for the home learning which at times was stressful and always time consuming.

I'm getting snappy, accusing her of not appreciating how claustrophobic it feels to rarely leave the house, having no interaction with others, I have very little to talk about apart from work because I'm not actually doing anything other than work. I have told my OH I'm bored and that I feel unappreciated - she says she does not know what to do and that she is happy

Not really sure where I'm going with the post, maybe some of you could give me some pointers, is there anything I can / should be doing, is it a case of seeing how things go when restrictions start to be lifted.

I'm feeling very confused about how I feel at the moment, only thing that seems to lift me is being outside working on the cars on my own - the solitude and fresh air and having something to focus on really helps but I'm concerned that I am feeling more lethargic, more distanced and less interested in the outside world with every day that passes

[goforbroke]

For the last few years, my wife and I were just plodding along. We loved each other, but something was missing. Then last year when lockdown happened, we were in exactly the same situation. I was WFH, and she was at the office every day.

I was getting more and more pissed off being stuck in, and our relationship suffered. We realised we didnt feel the same about each other, and being locked down was intesifying it. We have 2 boys, 11 and 13, so not small kids. We ended up splitting up in the summer last year, and she moved out. We rent, so dont have a mortgage to deal with

It was hard at first, but now I think we made the right decision. We are amicable and friendly, we have the kids/dog a week at a time, and we help each other out when we need to.

I like her as a person, but i dont miss living with her, and I imagine she feels the same. For us being locked down just highlighted the cracks and i'll be honest and say I feel quite lucky now that we have managed to deal with this like adults and we're both much happier now.

[MattS5]

goforbroke said:

For the last few years, my wife and I were just plodding along. We loved each other, but something was missing. Then last year when lockdown happened, we were in exactly the same situation. I was WFH, and she was at the office every day.

I was getting more and more pissed off being stuck in, and our relationship suffered. We realised we didnt feel the same about each other, and being locked down was intesifying it. We have 2 boys, 11 and 13, so not small kids. We ended up splitting up in the summer last year, and she moved out. We rent, so dont have a mortgage to deal with

It was hard at first, but now I think we made the right decision. We are amicable and friendly, we have the kids/dog a week at a time, and we help each other out when we need to.

I like her as a person, but i dont miss living with her, and I imagine she feels the same. For us being locked down just highlighted the cracks and i'll be honest and say I feel quite lucky now that we have managed to deal with this like adults and we're both much happier now.

Sounds like a carbon copy of my relationship.
Covid really gve us chance to finally sort it out. Financial seperation agreements signed and in place in October, she had the old house, I bought another one.
I was fortunate enough to be able to rent the property for the last 4 months and purchase completed on Tuesday this week.

Kids are happier (we share 50:50 parenting) and we're happier. Life feels so much calmer for all involved.

It's the one thing I can thank Covid for, giving us the time to finally sort stuff out.

Totally amicable as well which seems to amze a few of our friends.....but then if one of you isnt cheating, why would it be anything other than amicable.

[Prof Prolapse]

It's very stressful times and unusual circumstances. It doesn't sound like it's beyond repair, what about counselling? At the very least you've been together a long time, so I'm sure it's worth at least trying to do everything to save it?

MattS5 said:

Totally amicable as well which seems to amze a few of our friends.....but then if one of you isnt cheating, why would it be anything other than amicable.

One piece of advise to anyone, and I'm sorry Matt, is never be so naïve to believe that.

As soon as there's money involved, or people aren't willing to move on, or resent you moving on, things get breathtakingly fked quicker than you can blink, and can get fked worse than you can imagine. Always protect yourself, and be ready for it to go sideways. Never, ever, assume it won't happen to you.

[worsy]

You have to work at marriage. It doesn't help with the current situation but long and successful marriages are not 50 years of heart fluttering shagfest. you need time and space, hobbies and interests.


Suggest you start planning some activities, days out, pub lunches, holidays etc. Do you have a wide circle of friends, maybe have a zoom night, socialise a bit and have some external conversation topics.

TLDR - It's crap at the moment.

[MattS5]

worsy said:

You have to work at marriage. It doesn't help with the current situation but long and successful marriages are not 50 years of heart fluttering shagfest. you need time and space, hobbies and interests.


Suggest you start planning some activities, days out, pub lunches, holidays etc. Do you have a wide circle of friends, maybe have a zoom night, socialise a bit and have some external conversation topics.

TLDR - It's crap at the moment.

I'd agree with this.
Id been married for 20 years and in the relationship for 30 in total, Believe you me, we worked at it, but busy careers, the stress of life, bringing children up to ensure they have the best start in life etc, all piles into the time we spent together.
We had some great times, and I'd not change that, but ultimatley we left little time for oursleves, and grew apart.
It ended up where we had a freindship, as opposed to a relationship.

By all means try and work at it, but like a used car, it can get get to a point where it isnt worth spending anymore time on it, you have to write it off and start again.

[MattS5]

Prof Prolapse said:

One piece of advise to anyone, and I'm sorry Matt, is never be so naïve to believe that.

As soon as there's money involved, or people aren't willing to move on, or resent you moving on, things get breathtakingly fked quicker than you can blink, and can get fked worse than you can imagine. Always protect yourself, and be ready for it to go sideways. Never, ever, assume it won't happen to you.

Agreed about counselling and making it work. (so long as your partner doesn't agrue with the counsellor.....and tell them they're wrong with what they're saying...it just makes it harder!) and good luck getting an appointment, the 6 in our 20 mile radius were all booked up 4 months in advance prior to Covid.

I don't think I'm being blatantly naive, but have considererd that the vast majority of break ups turn sour due to someone cheating, then the financials, losing the family home, access to kids, etc.

Obviously it could well go wrong once a new relationship is started by either of us, but I think we've got through the most obvious causes of resentment,

When did it go wrong for you in the process? (sssuming you're talking from experience)

Edited by MattS5 on Thursday 11th March 13:49

[Prof Prolapse]

Yes I have experience, it's not just me, my partner is the same with her ex, and a good friend of mine, it's a familiar story, just please protect yourself.

From what I've seen it's usually poison in someone's ear. You're all fine, then someone suggests things are unfair, then they can't see past it, then they retaliate, and that retaliation can only be over your money or kids as they're the only things left.

I started typing out my story but I honestly doubt you'd believe it. It's not a universal truth either, I truly hope you can keep things civil, as it's the kids who suffer the most.

Edited by Prof Prolapse on Thursday 11th March 16:30

[Jamescrs]

I feel like I can sympathise with where the OP is coming from. I have felt for a while now like I am existing rather than living my life.
I am fortunate in that I have worked right through the pandemic leaving rhe house daily as does my wife but even so we both agree we go to work, come home and basically wait to go back to work again, I dont think it's an uncommon feeling currently.

Others have posted.saying that the pandemic has brought things to.a head for them and they have made their decisions but I would say try and think back to what life was like pre pandemic, was it good? Was it not? If it was good pre pandemic then I would pause to consider if in a few months things do free up and somewhat go back to as they were would that make you happy? If the answer is no then you probably have your answer.

[MattS5]

I'd say thats a sensible way to approach it for sure.
If it wasnt broken before, then it shouldnt be after.


My situation was different, we'd been in a rut for 2 to 3 years.
Covid gave us the time to sit down and get stuff sorted with solicitors, which was something we'd spoken about multiple times in the few years previous, but just didnt have the free time to do it.

[knitware]

After my wife, just now, finished screaming at me I came here to take my mind away and read irrelevant topics but found this thread which is good timing for me, I am not alone.

[ben_h100]

knitware said:

After my wife, just now, finished screaming at me I came here to take my mind away and read irrelevant topics but found this thread which is good timing for me, I am not alone.

Things are tense for a lot of people right now.

Go for a long walk - if not today, then tomorrow morning. I find that getting some fresh air helps in these situations.

[Chicken_Satay]

Andy665 said:

I have told my OH I'm bored and that I feel unappreciated - she says she does not know what to do and that she is happy

I think everybody is bored to some extent given the limited opportunities under the current circumstances. However, you should still have hobbies, a mission, and a purpose and not be especially bored. You need to fix that. Your wife is supposed to compliment you, not complete you.

I'd suggest fixing yourself first so that you feel engaged/happy/interested/driven and then be sure that your wife joins you for the ride (so to speak). If it still doesn't work out, despite you being in a good place yourself, then that's when you'd need to re-evaluate the relationship.