Helping wean a 19 month old from my wife

[a311]

Current sutuation is we've separated my 19 month old son from my wife at bed time. I put him to bed every night and he settles fine. Problem is he will wake anywhere between 2 and 4 am usually and won't settle so my wife tends to go in and nurses him back to sleep. According to the wife he'll often wake and mess about often being awake from 0530hrs. When I try settle him she's not keen on having him kick off too much so he doesn't wake our 4 year old. I'm going to take a week off in the next couple to try and break the current habbit.

Appreciate any advice from other parents on what worked/didn't.

Cheers

[Bill]

IME any habit like this takes 3 days being consistent to sort and the fear of trying is far worse than what transpires.

[mr_spock]

This book helped us get our son to sleep consistently. He's 21 now and quite hard to wake up, so I guess it worked:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-P...

[TVR1]

I’d say don’t.

Think about it for a moment. You’re trying to force a child to be separated from the only people that gives them comfort. He’s confused (but doesn’t yet have the mental capacity to understand) so that’s why he’s playing up. He’s scared.

I’m a firm believer in co sleeping.

If you and her are actually happy, rather than thinking we should do this, back up and go back to sleeping together.

Ok, I’m no longer in a relationship so don’t have to share a bed but my 6 year old co sleeps with me.

It’s good for both of us.

Im sure, at some point, she won’t want to but until then, go the path of least resistance.

[a311]

TVR1 said:

I’d say don’t.

Think about it for a moment. You’re trying to force a child to be separated from the only people that gives them comfort. He’s confused (but doesn’t yet have the mental capacity to understand) so that’s why he’s playing up. He’s scared.

I’m a firm believer in co sleeping.

If you and her are actually happy, rather than thinking we should do this, back up and go back to sleeping together.

Ok, I’m no longer in a relationship so don’t have to share a bed but my 6 year old co sleeps with me.

It’s good for both of us.

Im sure, at some point, she won’t want to but until then, go the path of least resistance.

Yeah we're past this. It's all on my wife through the night and she's at the end of her tether. I'm definitely all for the path of least resistance. He's effectively co sleeping with the wife in the spare bed once he wakes but he often doesn't go back over for some time.

[Gazzas86]

My Wife and I have just weaned our 2 Yr 4 Month old daughter successfully which took us about a week for her to stop asking for it in the morning.

The way we did it was, firstly bought her a bigger bed, we removed the cot bed and went for a double.

I started putting her to bed, reading books with her, lying down in her bed until she fell asleep, for the first couple of nights she was upset that mummy wasn't putting her to bed, a little cry etc. but explained that mummy was 'going to work' etc. to Distract her from what she really wants (boob)

When she woke up at night, usually midnight/1am where she would dream feed normally, I would go in lie down with her, and she would go back to sleep after a little moan. and for the first couple of nights she would wake every hour or two, however as I then stayed in her bed as it was big enough, I could sleep and she could feel as though someone was there.

When it got to wake up time, I would say Mummy has just got home, and she would rush into our room to see her, for the first couple of mornings my little one would ask for boob, but we had brought up a banana or cereal biscuit to distract her with.

After about a week, Things got better, she actually started sleeping through, which she has done more in the last month than the whole time she has been alive, If she does wake she settles within minutes.

My wife has always been very pro BF, and we knew we we're going to have to wean at some point, our plans to wean moved left because we are expecting no.2 now. (we conceived whilst she was BF so whoever said BF is a form of contraception was lying).

We both feel what we have done was the most gentle way possible to wean her, looking back the last week or so, I feel we have all benefitted.

Good Luck

[CubanPete]

My daughter is a bit over Three and has just gone in her own room, she chose to, and there hasn't been a battle.

She has never needed very much sleep, only recently going to bed before we do... and didn't sleep through till she was gone 2, we chose to Co sleep as it was less disturbing for us as much as her than if she was in a different room.

I can't offer any advice, only that all children are different - good luck!

[okgo]

Bill said:

IME any habit like this takes 3 days being consistent to sort and the fear of trying is far worse than what transpires.

That has been the magic number for me.

My son younger than yours at 7 months but when weaning him off night feeds, sleeping unswaddled, in own room, without white noise etc all things that he didn’t like initially - all of them took 3 days to break.

That said I did hear that the older the child is the harder these things become to break. But it’s got to be worth trying, a kid sleeping in my bed for years would be an absolute no for me but everyone is different.

[ClaphamGT3]

We had both our daughters in their own room from 2 weeks. At 17 weeks for the eldest and, I think, 15 for the youngest, we moved to giving a dream feed at 11.00pm and then leaving them to sleep through. It took two or three nights of being firm before they were reliably sleeping through. Never ever had a problem with either of them sleeping.

[okgo]

ClaphamGT3 said:

We had both our daughters in their own room from 2 weeks. At 17 weeks for the eldest and, I think, 15 for the youngest, we moved to giving a dream feed at 11.00pm and then leaving them to sleep through. It took two or three nights of being firm before they were reliably sleeping through. Never ever had a problem with either of them sleeping.

I had a night nanny for a few nights early on as my son had reflux or colic or some st and wouldn’t sleep at all. What she said resonated - almost all the issues she was called in to fix were because of the parents, not the kids - and the more you read and hear the more truth there is to that.

Did exactly what you did, and then at 21 weeks cut the 11 too and he’s slept through since. Tough for a couple of days but so worth it IMO.

[CubanPete]

okgo said:

ClaphamGT3 said:

We had both our daughters in their own room from 2 weeks. At 17 weeks for the eldest and, I think, 15 for the youngest, we moved to giving a dream feed at 11.00pm and then leaving them to sleep through. It took two or three nights of being firm before they were reliably sleeping through. Never ever had a problem with either of them sleeping.

I had a night nanny for a few nights early on as my son had reflux or colic or some st and wouldn’t sleep at all. What she said resonated - almost all the issues she was called in to fix were because of the parents, not the kids - and the more you read and hear the more truth there is to that.

Did exactly what you did, and then at 21 weeks cut the 11 too and he’s slept through since. Tough for a couple of days but so worth it IMO.

Your nanny had a solution. Your child was ill or 'had some st' and wouldn't sleep, after 3 days, he accepted neglect and exhausted, he slept. That being the right solution for you, does not mean it is right for all, including your children.

It is only the last century, and only in western culture it has been decided that co sleeping is bad, and neonate evolution hasn't had time to catch up with the thinking of early 20th century parenting. That it is convenient for many parents to excuse letting their children 'scream it out' in exchange for a couple of hours watching the Telly and a bit more sleep doesn't make it the right decision for everyone. There is lots of reading to be done, and we chose to co-sleep...

https://www.uio.no/studier/emner/sv/psykologi/PSY4...

[Gazzas86]

CubanPete said:

Your nanny had a solution. Your child was ill or 'had some st' and wouldn't sleep, after 3 days, he accepted neglect and exhausted, he slept. That being the right solution for you, does not mean it is right for all, including your children.

It is only the last century, and only in western culture it has been decided that co sleeping is bad, and neonate evolution hasn't had time to catch up with the thinking of early 20th century parenting. That it is convenient for many parents to excuse letting their children 'scream it out' in exchange for a couple of hours watching the Telly and a bit more sleep doesn't make it the right decision for everyone. There is lots of reading to be done, and we chose to co-sleep...

https://www.uio.no/studier/emner/sv/psykologi/PSY4...

Fully agree, We co-slept for 2 years, it worked for us, we have friends who let them 'cry it out', some of them we're glad they did it, some regretted it. Everyone makes their own choice and has their own opinions.

[okgo]

Neglect is a bit strong.

I don't know many adults that would say a child at 6 months sleeping 7-7 in their own room is not the ideal situation.

FYI the nanny solved nothing in that regard, she just said that after having seen hundreds of babies that it was certainly reflex and or an intolerance, we went to the doctor with that in mind (we also hired her as we couldn't function as he was up most of the night, and I could afford to do it) and the following week we were able to start as if we had a totally normal baby, it then took a few weeks to get to the above point.

[elanfan]

I recommend all parents get hold of a book called toddler taming.

[Bill]

CubanPete said:

Your nanny had a solution. Your child was ill or 'had some st' and wouldn't sleep, after 3 days, he accepted neglect and exhausted, he slept. That being the right solution for you, does not mean it is right for all, including your children.

It is only the last century, and only in western culture it has been decided that co sleeping is bad, and neonate evolution hasn't had time to catch up with the thinking of early 20th century parenting. That it is convenient for many parents to excuse letting their children 'scream it out' in exchange for a couple of hours watching the Telly and a bit more sleep doesn't make it the right decision for everyone. There is lots of reading to be done, and we chose to co-sleep...

https://www.uio.no/studier/emner/sv/psykologi/PSY4...

What's with the passive/aggressive defensiveness?

BTW neonate evolution... How is that supposed to work?

[CubanPete]

Bill said:

What's with the passive/aggressive defensiveness?

BTW neonate evolution... How is that supposed to work?

I responded to a passive aggressive post...

Evolution takes more than a few generations.

[Bill]

What's the evolutionary advantage of co-sleeping Vs not?

[ClaphamGT3]

CubanPete said:

Bill said:

What's with the passive/aggressive defensiveness?

BTW neonate evolution... How is that supposed to work?

I responded to a passive aggressive post...

Evolution takes more than a few generations.

Okgo's post wasn't passive aggressive in the slightest.

Each family will do what is right - whereas you seem to have a 'my way or the highway' outlook. For us, getting our children into their own room within a fortnight and sleeping through as early as possible has worked brilliantly for them. As small children they were always well-rested and energetic and now, as adolescents, they have excellent sleep habits and we don't have issues with them going to bed late/sleeping badly/laying in bed & being lethargic all day.

It was interesting that, when they started school, their prep-year teacher, who was a very experienced teacher in her fifties with thirty years prep/reception experience said that she could tell within a week which children have good sleep habits based around a clear routine and which children don't.

[Prof Prolapse]

TVR1 said:

I’d say don’t.

Think about it for a moment. You’re trying to force a child to be separated from the only people that gives them comfort. He’s confused (but doesn’t yet have the mental capacity to understand) so that’s why he’s playing up. He’s scared.

I’m a firm believer in co sleeping.

If you and her are actually happy, rather than thinking we should do this, back up and go back to sleeping together.

Ok, I’m no longer in a relationship so don’t have to share a bed but my 6 year old co sleeps with me.

It’s good for both of us.

Im sure, at some point, she won’t want to but until then, go the path of least resistance.

Always interesting to see a controversial viewpoint. Personally we teach our children to sleep on their own fairly quickly because we believe it's a vital skill for them to learn. We have a newborn and in the next six months he'll be in his own room (hopefully).

We won't routinely share a bed past that. We're lucky to enjoy physical intimacy as part of our relationship.

A child's lack of understanding isn't critical to us as parents. Whilst we try to explain the reasons for things to all of them, we fully accept our children don't always understand what's best for them, even when they do, they often still won't do it (just ask our 11 year old). That's why they're under our care until they do, and why they follow our direction.

It may be, for now, the "path of least resistance", but many a rod for a parent's back was started by that phrase. For instance, this isn't meant to sound cruel, but habitually co-sleeping at six is unusual, there's a big social stigma there which you'll both potentially have to deal with, no matter how good your intentions.

OP needs to persevere. I can only offer the same advice already given however, and the best of luck.